It's Been One Hell of a Week

By O.T Strange

As Humanity embraced the values of virtue and peace. Heaven's population rose to unacceptable levels.

To counteract this problem, God and The Devil agreed to alter the criteria for entry into hell.

With the increasing population, The Lake of Fire was no longer a sustainable form of punishment.

Hell needed to modernize and modernize fast...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9780244392789

Book preview

It's Been One Hell of a Week

It Has Been One Hell of a Week

Copyright

Copyright © 2018 by O.T Strange

All Rights Reserved.  This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the user of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing: 2018

ISBN #: 978-0-244-69509-5

www.Twitter.com/The_Dissenters

For the Hell of It

Acknowledgments

Thanks to the actual real-life Mr Peacock, Ruffy Roy and others for inspiring this tale, whilst every character in this book are of course entirely fictional, each character is held under copyright owned by OutaTownStrange Holdings, although any resemblance to any person either living or dead is entirely co-incidental of course.

Other thanks go to all of those in the machine and finally thanks to the bile and vitriol that fuelled this tatty little tale.

Chapter 1

A

puffy looking woman of an indiscernible age was sat behind a desk, picking at her nails, staring at her phone and tapping the spacebar on her keyboard intermittently, to prevent the lock screen from displaying.  Janet spent most of her days going through this routine multitasking, whiling the day away trying not to spend too much time watching the clock, or worse having to carrying out any actual productive activity.

Naturally there were moments where she was required to do some work, however all this entailed was occasionally having to call out someone’s name with varying degrees of indifference, then adding, ‘…you’re next’ to the end of it.  Of course, such an activity required some administration, although for the most part such activities were ignored, and this was especially true on a Monday.

Janet, can you send the next one in please., a voice said over the intercom, much to Janet’s irritation.

Mr Horker, Mr William Horker…You’re Next., Janet called out with irritated indifference.

A middle-aged man lifted himself out of his seat and made his way nervously towards Janet’s desk and uttered quietly, ‘I am very sorry, but think that there has been some kind of a dreadful mistake…"

Mr Peacock can see you now., Janet interrupted coldly, not even bothering to look up from her nails, simply pointing with her other hand towards Mr Peacock’s office.  Looking worried and confused Mr Horker shuffled slowly towards Mr Peacocks door, before knocking tentatively.

There was a brief pause before Mr Horker was greeted with a smiling face and a gleam of light shining off a balding man’s head, Mr Horker?, Mr Peacock enquired.

Yes, I am Mr Horker., Mr Horker replied nervously.

Mr William Horker?, Mr Peacock added.

Yes sir, I am Mr William Horker., Mr Horker added.

Well come on in then Mr Horker, firstly I must apologise for all the formalities, however it is most important that we must get these things on the correct footing from the off.  Come now Mr Horker, you are among friends here please do take a seat., Mr Peacock said gesturing towards a weathered blue leather office chair that had was placed infront of a basic looking wooden office desk.

Apologies for the basic accommodation, only we are moving offices shortly we are very much ‘having to make do’ unfortunately., Said Mr Peacock as he sat down behind his desk.

No problem, it is perfectly fine., Mr Horker said with a weak smile.

Who do we have here then?, Mr Peacock said casually, as he picked up a brown banded cardboard file and began examining its contents.

I understand that you are a stamp collector?  That must bring you a great deal of pleasure?, Mr Peacock enquired.

My collection? It’s just something to pass the time really., Mr Horker replied, feeling a little confused and fearful as to where this conversation might be heading.  Whilst Mr Peacock had not given him any actual reason for being afraid, a voice inside was screaming that he had every good reason to be very afraid.

Have you had the chance to complete the survey that my receptionist will have provided you?, Mr Peacock asked, continuing to browse through Mr Horker’s file.

A Survey?  Sorry, I am not sure what you mean?, Mr Horker replied nervously.

Mr Peacock rolled his eyes with a sense of familiar frustration before pushing the button on the intercom and saying, Janet, we seem to have another client who appears to have ‘slipped through the net’.  If I recall, we did speak about this in your ‘one 2 one’ recently and I want to re-iterate that it imperative that the survey is completed prior to the consultation, if we want our customers to get the appropriate service.

Yes, Mr Peacock., Janet replied with her standard tone of distain.

Thank you very much Janet., Mr Peacock replied, knowing full well that his complaint would not register within Janet’s mind whatsoever before returning his warm smile to Mr Horker.

She has only been with us 300 years, so in all fairness she is still ‘learning on the job’ so to speak., Mr Peacock said with a gentle shrug of acceptance.

Anyway, enough about me and my problems, let’s find out some more about you, then shall we?, Mr Peacock said with the warmth of a kindly high school careers adviser.

I don’t think that there is very much to say really…, Mr Horker began, before Mr Peacock interrupted him.

Come now William, or is it Bill?  I would like to think that we are hopefully beyond the awkward formalities by now.   If it helps break the ice my name is Kevin., Mr Peacock added whilst reaching out with his hand in a friendly greeting.

Nervously Mr Horker leaned over to accept the handshake before adding, Most people call me Bill, although I prefer William if I am honest., Mr Horker replied.

Then Bill it is!, Mr Peacock grinned with a subtle glint in his eye.

It is unfortunate that my assistant Janet did not prepare you sufficiently, however I shall be more than happy to fill you in on the details if you wish?  Or we could just proceed with processing your application?, Mr Peacock enquired casually.

To be honest sir, I am not sure where I am, or why I am here., Mr Horker replied quietly.

Mr Peacock smiled and shook his head wearily, It was for this very same reason that I had the leaflet produced. , taking a brief pause Mr Peacock held down the intercom button and said primarily for Janet’s attention, THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE RECEIVED PRIOR TO YOUR CONSULTATION!, I more than anyone understand that the transition can be quite challenging at first, so I created the leaflet to try and help those just joining us adjust, to soften the blow if you will.  If you do not receive the leaflet then I suppose it is not a great deal of good is it!, Mr Peacock laughed loudly.

If it would assist you I would be more than happy to give you a summary of the leaflet, then we can set about completing your application?, Mr Peacock said helpfully.

Yes please, to be honest I am very confused right now., Mr Horker said with a weak smile.

Of course, no problem at all, after all these years in this role I am quite used to this by now., Mr Peacock beamed.

Firstly, let us get the awkward bit out of the way.  You are dead, and it is my job to define the parameters for your afterlife., Mr Peacock explained casually.

I’m dead!?, Mr Horker said in wide eyed shock and exclamation.

Bill, I am really truly sorry and please remember that I am just trying to do my job here.   Everything will be ‘alright’., Mr Peacock replied with finger quotes around ‘alright’.

You have a kind face Mr Horker and I cannot lie to you so if I am completely honest, it won’t be alright.  In fact, right now you could not be much further away from being ‘alright’.  Firstly, you are of course dead and secondly it has been decreed that you are to spend your eternal afterlife here in hell., Mr Peacock explained matter of factly.

I can see this may take some getting used to, but right now I need you to focus on our discussion as it will help me ensure that your afterlife is designed to reflect your own individual requirements.  After all it is my job to apply and define exactly what shape and form your souls eternal torment will take.  Whilst it may not pay a great deal, it is a job and besides it provides me with enormous satisfaction., Mr Peacock said warmly.

I am in Hell? But why? I lived my life doing good for others, being kind, supporting charity.  All the kind of good things that people are supposed to do., Mr Horker wept.

You would not believe how many times I hear this tale of woe, things have moved on you see and unfortunately God and the Devil had to adjust the sin bandings, once it started getting too crowded up there in the good place.  Processes were needed to be put in place, levels of management, structures and the delegation of responsibilities. all laid out within a formal federalised transformational governance framework.

All that said, just because we are all dead does not mean that we cannot continue to be productive members of society within the afterlife.  And fear not, just because you are in hell, there are still opportunities to progress up the career ladder.  If you have the skills, work hard and receive a bit of luck who knows what you can achieve.  Look at me, I started off stoking the flames of the eternal fire when I first arrived and here I am., Mr Peacock smiled with pride.

Mr Horker sat motionless as the shock took hold, not only had he discovered that he was dead, he was also going to spend the rest of his eternal afterlife in Hell.  As if those two items were not bad enough to come to terms with, on top if it all he would also have to get a job.

I do understand that this a lot to take in all in one go Bill, but this is Hell. And making its occupants time here as unpleasant as possible is pretty much all that it is here for., Mr Peacock chuckled before once again stretching out his hand to pat Mr Horker on the hand in an attempt to reassure.

Oh, and please do accept my assurance that I do not take any pleasure in this process whatsoever, that is someone else’s job entirely., Mr Peacock whilst added patting Mr Horker’s hand once more.

If this is hell, how come you are so happy?, Mr Horker said in desperation.

Me?  Happy?!  Oh goodness no I am not happy, far from it!  While you ask. even in up there in Heaven you pretty much need to know the right people to be truly happy.  Despite what you read Heaven is not all it’s cracked up to be either and it most certainly isn’t all about just sitting around on a cloud eating bacon off of supermodels., Mr Peacock explained a hint of bitterness.

I am a vegan, so in all honesty the lack of bacon won’t really bother me., Mr Horker said proudly.

A vegan you say?  Interesting, very interesting., Mr Peacock said with his thumb held to his chin before adding some notes to the papers in the file.

What are you writing in there?, Mr Horker asked quickly, trying to pull the file towards him so that he could read the contents.

Uh oh, I did not realise that we had a snatcher here!, Mr Peacock said with wide eyed surprise, pulling the file against his chest, then adding some additional notes to the file and now keeping a very careful eye on Mr Horker.

I am really very sorry, Mr Peacock!  I did not mean to cause any offence, I am just really struggling to understand how on earth I have ended up here, not only am in Hell, but somehow I also need to find a job of some description., Mr Horker exclaimed.

This is of course a very natural reaction Bill, none of us wanted to end up here, sometimes you have to make the best of a bad job and accept your circumstances.  After all there is always someone worse off than you, for example those poor souls who had a propensity to stand in the middle of public doorways for no reason whatsoever, they are living in a hell worse than most people’s imagination could conjure., Mr Peacock began to explain.

What do you mean their hell?  What on earth is my hell? Surely Hell is well you know…Hell?!, Mr Horker stammered.

Unfortunately, I am unable to disclose the details of another person and/or group’s hell, there are data protection rules around personal data.  Besides your own Hell is still yet to be fully defined and it would be a great shame to drop any ‘spoilers’.  Now let us return to reviewing your file…, Mr Peacock smiled opening up the cardboard file once more to further inspect its contents.

It states here that during your life time that you obstructed the entrance to a public building/shop/amenity approximately 49,194 times., Mr Peacock tutted, before adding, "Fortunately for you, this is just below the threshold for ‘standing in public door way hell.’

That sure sounds like a lot of times, I didn’t that realised I had obstructed an entrance once, let alone nearly fifty thousand times., Mr Horker smiled with a sense of relief.

That’s what they all say., Mr peacock shrugged.

However, I should say that we are not out of the woods yet…Not by a long stretch., Mr Peacock said with a frown.

In addition to your crimes against the free passage of other persons in a public area, you also have in excess of 33,000 hours of you telling people that you are a vegan. This pushes you very close to albeit not quite into vegan hell., Mr Peacock explained.

I cannot imagine what that might entail., Mr Horker shuddered.

Trust me Bill, it is far worse than whatever you might have in your head right now., Mr Peacock laughed.

Where does this leave me then?, Mr Horker said with a growing tone of impatience.

Back in the waiting room I am afraid, as I have a management meeting to attend., Mr Peacock said abruptly before extending his hand to shake the even more confused Mr Horker.

But we haven’t finished though?  I have been sat waiting for goodness how long, that is hardly good customer service is it?, Mr Horker burst as the building emotions suddenly got too much for him to hold back anymore.

Mr Horker, Bill if I may.  You are in Hell and as you will soon discover, it is not the fire and brimstone that you need to fear oh no, they are long gone., Mr Peacock paused for dramatic effect that was punctuated by a conveniently placed yet unexplained scream coming from the waiting room.

You see the big red guy realised many years ago that in fact an endless maze of bureaucratic tedium, pointless and endless chores, add a few levels of tailored torment for every individual and boom!  You have a far more potent method of ensuring maximum eternal suffering for all., Mr Peacock enthused.

But when, when will I find out what is going to happen to me?, Mr Horker cried weakly as Mr Peacock ushered him out of the door.

In due course Bill, all in due course.  In the meantime, if you do have any questions I am certain that my receptionist shall be more than happy to take a note and add it to my stack here.  And I shall look forward to speaking to you again., Mr Peacock said grabbing his files and marching out of the waiting room leaving Mr Horker frustrated, confused and alone.

Take a seat Mr Horker., Janet called out from her desk in her disinterested nasal drawl.

As Mr Horker looked around the now much busier waiting room, he noted that his seat had been taken and there were no free seats were available. 

Welcome to Hell., Janet growled before casually tossing a welcome to Hell leaflet in his general direction.

…

As Mr Peacock made his way through the winding maze of corridors towards the room where the management meeting was, he found his mind wandering back to his encounter with Mr Horker.  Despite having been in the business of creating and applying personal hells for many years, the look on each individual face as they were told the news of their hell was imprinted in his memory forever.  One of the jobs draw backs that fuelled and enhanced his own personal suffering, after all Hell took great pride in its efficiency in the delivery of suffering.

Creating bespoke hells based upon every new individual’s fears, irrational hatreds and other social preferences, whilst trying to express his personable nature was not always easy to balance.  As you might imagine being the architect of someone’s eternal suffering was not something that was easy to live with, that said he had learned a long time ago that it was usually better to go with the flow and accept your fate, after all Hell was somewhat unpleasant pretty much most of the time.

The way he saw things was that his situation could be worse, he could be the one of the poor souls having to work in the sanitation department for the big red man himself.  And having done his time there was no way he was going back to that, the physical and mental injuries he suffered whilst working there to this day still caused him pain, a great deal of pain.  Hand lifting every giant steaming turd that fell out of overweight reality TV stars backsides would take its toll upon even the most stoic of individuals.

As he reached the central elevator column for the building he noted