Five Uneasy Pieces

By Larry Lindstrom

You Will Not Want to Miss this Memoir!

 

An Intimate and Honest Look into the Life of an Addicted, Depressed, Obsessive-Compulsive, Gay Stutterer

 

     Larry Lindstrom, born on Groundhog Day 1955, grew up in suburban northern New Jersey. Read about Larry's childhood living in a "house on the corner" in Pequannock, NJ growing up in the 1960s. He encounters a new world at the age of 18 when he loses his father, and at the age of 29, his mother. Eighteen years later he would lose his younger brother.

     Larry seems to drive in the fast lane, discovering addictions to sex, alcohol, marijuana, and food. Depression takes hold and puts up many roadblocks to growth. The road ahead is looking impassable. He discovers a strange set of obsessions and rituals that begin to control his thinking and his behavior. It feels like his car is out of control. He labels this as OCD.

     Larry makes many friends, but fears betraying them with his secret life of homosexuality. Unable to fully embrace the gay community, he suffers in silence trying to fit in. The outcome is inevitable, failure, and frustration. As a final pothole in the road of life, Larry is plagued with a stutter, a speech disability, that seems to draw the spotlight to his inadequacies.

     It seems Larry is forever driving to the gay and exciting life of the city, or clinging to his comfortable memories of his hometown. A passion develops for driving that mirrors his search for his true identity. He likes adventure and finds it, all while discovering who he really is and where he will eventually wind up. It is a blinding road at times but Larry perseveres.

     Larry wrote his memoirs over a ten-year period that reveals the challenges and growth he experienced as he was writing. This is a book that shows how one man endures a life of addiction, depression, OCD, gay identity, and stuttering. Different from all the rest, Larry gives it his best, to find peace, within his "Five Uneasy Pieces."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Larry Lindstrom
• Release date: Jun 4, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393146155

Book preview

FIVE UNEASY PIECES

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FINDING PEACE LIVING WITH ADDICTION,

DEPRESSION, OCD, SEXUAL IDENTITY/HOMOSEXUALITY, AND STUTTERING

A MEMOIR

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BY LARRY LINDSTROM

Five Uneasy Pieces

Copyright ©2020 Larry Lindstrom

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief use of quotations in a book review.

FIVE UNEASY PIECES

Finding Peace Living with Addiction, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Homosexuality, and Stuttering

A MEMOIR

By:  Larry Lindstrom

[e-mail]

An intimate and honest look into the life of an addicted, depressed,

OCD, gay, stutterer.

Published 2020

THIS BOOK IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED

TO THE LIFE OF MY BROTHER

STEVEN LINDSTROM

I am glad you came along; I am glad you were in my song.

Sir Paul McCartney

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PREFACE

PROLOGUE

1: P I E C E S   E X P L A I N E D:  A D D I C T I O N

2: P I E C E S   E X P L A I N E D:  D E P R E S S I O N

3: P I E C E S   E X P L A I N E D:O B S E S S I V E - C O M P U L S I V E  D I S O R D E R

4: P I E C E S   E X P L A I N E D: S E X U A L  I D E N T I T Y / H O M O S E X U A L I T Y

5: P I E C E S  E X P L A I N E D: S T U T T E R I N G

6: P I E C E S  E X P L A I N E D: T H E  S T O R Y  O F  M Y  L I F E

7: 1 9 5 5  T O  1 9 6 0  -  A G E  0  T O  5

8: 1 9 6 1  T O  1 9 6 5  -  A G E  6  T O  1 0

9: 1 9 6 6  T O  1 9 7 0  -  A G E  1 1  T O  1 5

10: 1 9 7 1  T O  1 9 7 5  -  A G E  1 6  TO  2 0

11: 1 9 7 6  TO  1 9 8 0  -  A G E  2 1  T O  2 5

12: 1 9 8 1  T O  1 9 8 5  -  A G E  2 6  T O  3 0

13: 1 9 8 6  T O  1 9 9 0  -  A G E  3 1  T O  3 5

14: 1 9 9 1  T O  1 9 9 5  -  A G E  3 6  T O  4 0

15: 1 9 9 6  T O  2 0 0 0  -  A G E  4 1  T O  4 5

16: 2 0 0 1  T O  2 0 0 5  -  A G E  4 6  T O  5 0

17: EZ WRITER EXPLORES THE WEST

18: 2 0 0 6  T O  2 0 1 0  -  A G E  5 1  T O  5 5

19: M A R I J U A N A  M E M O R I E S

21: WHY I HATE BEING GAY: A REBUTTAL

22: 2 0 1 1  T O  2 0 1 5  -  A G E  5 6  T O  6 0

23: 2 0 1 1  T O  2 0 1 5  -  A G E  5 6  T O  6 0

24: SEASON OF GLASS

25: 2 0 1 6  T O  2 0 2 0  -  A G E  6 1  T O  6 5

26: 2 0 2 1  T O  2 0 2 5  -  A G E  6 6  T O  7 0

EPILOGUE

A F T E R T H O U G H T

APPENDIX

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A B O U T  T H E  A U T H O R

PREFACE

Well, it is finally here. I cannot believe it. Today is the day. It is a sunny day. It is a cold day. It is a February day. It is a Friday. It is way in the future. It is 2008. I am 53 years old. It is time to write my memoirs. I never thought this day would come when I would be an older man looking back at my life. Of course, I keep redefining older. At first, it meant when I would become a teenager. I remember someone in childhood saying that his friend was 10.  I thought that was old. Then there was the time I turned twenty. That was old.

I remember being younger and thinking that anyone over the age of 25 was too old to date. Then I became 25. And, of course, then I was 30. Is there anyone who has not thought about killing themselves if things didn’t change by the time they became 30, or simply because they became 30? I did. I survived. Then all of a sudden, I was 40. Oh, that 40th birthday, it was the big one and a memorable one. All I remember is clinging to the saying, life begins at 40, and hoping that it would never pass 40.

Then came something I was obsessed with since childhood. The year 2000 was approaching, that far-off in the future date, surely never to arrive. I recall calculating early in life how old I would be in the year 2000. Good God, I thought. I would be an old man. I would be 45! What would life be like then? Surely, that would never come, and even more surely, would never pass. Well, I look back now and wish I was 45!

Now, it is yet another decade. I turned 50 three years ago. Surprisingly, I look quite the same. I pride myself on my mantra of, full head of hair and no gray, always being sure to emphasize the no gray.  I wonder how long that will last. So far, three years later, it is holding up. I looked OK, but just after 51, not 50, was when I began to feel different. Body aches and pains appeared. Health became a daily activity, not just a one-semester course in high school. Life stretched out behind me more than it did in front of me.

I continued to postpone this old thing, though. I remember vowing to create my last will and testament at age 50. I got too busy. I’ll do it at 55. That is when I will really be old.  I redefine myself as a young elderly person. After all, I do get AARP magazine, after this company hounded me so many times that I finally succumbed to their declarations that I was indeed over 50. Plus, if I subscribed, they promised me a free road atlas. I gave in and admitted that I was 50. I never got my free road atlas.

From where I sit now, with my full head of hair and no gray, I know I am older, but still don’t define myself as old. I feel and think, and often act as I did many years ago. However, I do feel the passage of time. Why is it going faster now? I feel a lot of wisdom and experience behind me. Is this what they call maturity? I feel I have a story to tell, and I feel that I need to tell it before I get too old. How old will that be? Right now 60 will be too old. I want to get a jump on it so that when the magic number comes, I will be ready with my memoirs. Is 60 really the magic number? I don’t know. I can’t imagine it. I guess the trick is to stay in today. So, it is today, the day that I thought would never arrive, today, that I will begin writing. Today is a good day to start to do anything. Today is my reality. Today I will write about everything that has brought me to this point.

If I were to sit down and predict my life years ago, I never could have envisioned how it would turn out. I could never have written a work of fiction as diverse as the feelings and facts I have lived through. The nice thing is my book is already written. It is an amazing journey. I think each one of us writes a book as we live our own lives. Often the story surprises us. All that is left is to tell it before we get old. But wait a minute. I am not old yet; maybe I never will be. What a discovery. I just need to keep living to keep writing the next chapter. The book will never close.

Looking back can be a wonderful thing, a review of the spontaneous nature of nature. We are born into this world and things happen, we experience life. Sometimes, I have it way too much. Sometimes, I have resisted it. Sometimes, I have embraced it. There were times I wanted to hasten it; times I wanted to cherish it. Life just goes as it goes. It is in looking back that I appreciate it. But don’t look back too long because then I am trying to relive it. Richard Nixon, of all people, once said, Don’t look back. In other words, keep looking ahead even when the pull of the past is strong. There are times I don’t want to grow up, to get old. But when I let go and let it happen, old becomes redefined. It is not as bad as I thought and is in fact quite exciting.

So, as I continue to move into that scary area known as way into the future, I will take a look back. I will look back from today, not live back, but look back to see what life has given me. I already know there are feelings, experiences, lessons, and surprises. The beauty is every one of us has this in our repertoire, our own sculpture of this experience called life. Someone once said, Happiness is a memory.  I hope to share some happiness. I am happy to share a memory. After all, it took 53 years to create it.

Larry Lindstrom, February 8, 2008

Editor’s Note: Ten Years Later:

I always marvel at the coincidences in life. I have taken a long time to write my book, often pausing for months, even years in the process. It finally did get completed. Tonight, I decided to start proofreading the entire manuscript. I just read the introduction and noticed the date at the end; I always date everything. Today happens to be February 8, 2018, exactly ten years later! I did not know this when I randomly opened up the manuscript to review it. Life is full of coincidences.

Is there any meaning to this? I like to think so. However, I can’t figure out exactly what it would mean except that I have been working on this book for a very long time. It just happened to be a coincidence that it is now ten years later to the day. Talk about growing older, I thought I was old ten years ago! I guess I have to again redefine that word, old, and finish this book before another ten years goes by.

Larry Lindstrom, February 8, 2018

PROLOGUE

THE LIFE OF LARRY LINDSTROM

T

his book is about finding oneself and accepting oneself for who he is. This book is about the discovery of oneself. It is about overcoming shame and self-hatred. It is about transformation. It is about learning to respond to the situations that life hands us, and making these situations define us, rather than denigrate us. It has been a long and arduous journey. I often find it hard to write about my shame and guilt in living a life of denial. I write about my life to show that perseverance and understanding can transform one into embracing the life he has been given.

I have played the victim too often. It is not a fulfilling role at all. My life included five major traits that I denied and tried to hide. I often was successful in passing as someone without these traits, as someone who is normal. The pain in my life was not these five traits that I wanted to be gone. Ironically the pain came from trying my best to pretend they were not there at all. I discovered one could not have a fulfilling life lived in fear, denial, and hate. Love and acceptance create a life of peace and joy. This memoir reveals how I travelled from not knowing who I was, to hating who I was, to discovering who I am, to accepting who I am, and finally to loving and accepting who I became.

My five uneasy pieces, as I call them, are an addiction, depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, homosexuality, and stuttering. I never believed that any of these traits could be me yet all of them defined me. I became a person in denial of my very being. I was fearful of discovery by others. Most of all I was afraid to find out for myself who I really was dealing with.

Life has a way of naturally changing us. One cannot break or ignore the laws of nature. If I have a cut on my leg no amount of denial or ignorance will change this fact. In fact, if I deny the cut on my leg, it will only fester and perhaps turn into a bigger cut, an infection, or maybe even an amputation! I had problems in my personality that I chose to ignore. These problems soon became larger than life. I had to deal with them before they consumed me. This is the story of how I confronted my unexpected birth right of addiction, depression, OCD, homosexuality, and stuttering.

They were with me all along. The difference is that now they are part of me, and nature will have it no other way. Rather than resist these traits, which I did all my life, I slowly embraced them and made them part of my life. Now I don’t know who I would be without them. Life reveals not only who we are but how we respond to who we are. I remind myself almost every day of this quote from author Albert Ellis, a law of nature, It should be this way because it is this way. Why would I think anything other than this? I don’t know, but I do all the time. I think things should be different, that I should be different. My response to what is and what I think should be, creates the journey called life. This book explains discovering, accepting, and embracing addiction, depression, OCD, homosexuality, and stuttering, all of which are a part of that person I have come to appreciate, namely me. You can take a similar journey in your life.

I divide the book into chapters that examine these five traits in my life. Each chapter focuses on a five-year time period. I describe the world as I knew it and myself as I fit into the world. I describe my thoughts of each five-year time period. I then delve into the five personality traits, discuss how they affected me, and how I responded to them. It is a story that only I could live to be able to write about. I never thought this would become my truth, but it has. Thankfully, with a lot of help, I have been able to approach Maslow’s hierarchy of self-actualization, to thy own self be true. That is, after all, what each of our lives is about. Here is a story of how I discovered who I really was, and how I dealt with each of my five uneasy pieces, to become the self-accepting person that I am today.

The time of the writing of my book is left intact, providing an interesting insight into how I felt when I wrote each section. The book is written over a ten-year period, believe it or not, and is now going on year eleven! Just as my life has progressed, and I write about it here, I took a good one-sixth of it to write about it in real-time. It is most interesting that I began the writing of my life story on February 8, 2008, having no idea when I would finish. It is the irony of ironies that I am writing the final pages starting on February 8, 2018, exactly ten years later. You saw this when you read the introduction.

Why did it take so long to write such a book? I can only speculate that while writing the book, I was still living with my five uneasy pieces and still doing, as they say, life on life’s terms. Writing has not been a full-time occupation, number one. Number two is I get distracted and diverted, sometimes for years at a time, just not doing anything to further the writing of the book. I think about it but don’t do anything. I have found that thinking about doing something is the crippling part. When I actually take action and do something it rarely is as difficult as I thought it would be.

I believe that my five uneasy pieces have played a major part in the longevity of the creation of this book. Addiction, or in my case, recovery from addiction, takes time. I attend 12 step meetings and do work on healing my addictive self. Sometimes, I would fall into a slump like a food binge. One cannot write clearly when one is binging on donuts and ice cream.

Depression, I think is the biggest detractor of activity. It is difficult to do anything when you just don’t have reason or motivation to even get out of bed. Depression can keep one away from creativity, not to mention even performing the most mundane of life’s chores. When I went for a long period between my writings, I think it was primarily due to depression.

OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, can be a block to creativity. The all too familiar writer’s block comes when I think too much about writing. Again, the maxim applies, thinking about it is worse than doing it. Once I take action, I find the words flow. OCD also has a way of running your life according to numbers, schedules, rituals, and other things you feel you have to do. Sometimes, it is easier to follow a known ritual than to sit down and creatively work on a book. I don’t know, but this is probably a factor as well.

The last two traits, homosexuality and stuttering, I don’t think had anything to do with delaying the writing of the book. Being gay is my most burdensome piece of myself, by my own actions admittedly, and perhaps I was uncomfortable writing about it. However, that is the reason I wanted to write about it, to come to terms with it. Even at this late date in finishing up the book, I considered replacing homosexuality and gay with relationships. I even thought of going so far as having two editions of the book, one dealing with relationships for my straight friends, and one dealing with homosexuality for my gay friends. Yes, that is how deep it went! That is how long it took to chisel away at the armor I buried myself and my identity in. I now see the absurdity and folly of this. However, when I was writing the book, I probably took a pause many times as I was digging too deep, and it became too painful. I am glad I persevered to get to the bottom of the whole thing, and that I am able to speak my truth.

Finally, stuttering is something I have always wanted to write about. I came to grips with my disfluencies very early on in my life. Support groups were the key here. I have been involved with stuttering support groups since the age of 22. The shame and isolation of being a person who stutters melted away in the company of other people who stutter. Therapy helped me to talk, but support and friendships with other people who stutter made it OK whether I was fluent or not. Stuttering might have appeared as hesitations when I spoke, but I don’t think I hesitated to write about it in my book.

1

P I E C E S   E X P L A I N E D:   A D D I C T I O N

I

t behooves me to do a little research for the reader, and for myself, about each of these five uneasy pieces, to give some veracity to what I am talking about. This research has also allowed me to learn about others with these maladies, and to learn about just how extreme they can be.

Each piece is a malady in and of itself. Imagine having all five of them! It is good to write about an objective subject and not just about me, me, and me. I find that I learn more about myself as I study each subject independently from my life. I give examples of some extremes that sometimes have been a part of my life, and sometimes, thankfully have not.

Addictions are compulsions to repeat behaviors involving substances over and over again, despite negative consequences. Even when the high is long gone, is no longer appropriate, is no longer fun, or is leading to serious consequences, an addict will continue the behavior. The addict has to continue the behavior, because to not continue is more painful and uncomfortable than stopping the behavior, initially. This is an important caveat, initially.

Something feels good, so we do it. We do it again. Soon we are doing it whether we want to do it or not. Soon we don’t care about the consequences. Soon there are consequences. Soon we wish to stop but discover sometimes we simply cannot. Why is this so? Life soon illusively becomes meaningless, and empty, without the imagined high of the addiction. Even when the high is real, it wears off all too quickly. One would constantly have to be using to maintain the high.

This is especially true of food addicts. Food has the shortest shelf life of any drug. Food addicts know that once they swallow, they need another fix. It is impractical to eat all the time. However, an addict will find a way to come close. Isolation and binging become commonplace. Self-hate and bewilderment follow. Why can’t I just stop? The addict scratches his head as do those around him watching him destroy his life. Here I use food, but one could substitute pretty much any addictive drug into the above scenario.

I found an interesting article from Psychology Today dated 12/15/08, written by Stanton Peale Ph.D. It is interesting to look at some common addictions. Peale rates seven addictions from easiest to hardest to quit. Let’s take a look at his findings.

Number seven is cocaine. This is a popular drug, but for me personally never drew me in. Yes, I tried a few lines, but I would be lying if I told you I wanted more. It was numbing to an extent but basically did nothing for me. Others have gotten very addicted to it, however. Writer David Musto asks, why do people stop? The answer is, of course, the unmanageability of life, and the negative consequences that come with being addicted to anything. Cocaine could be called the poor man’s drug, as people with less in life have less to gain by stopping. This could explain the epidemic of crack cocaine use in the traditionally poorer inner cities.

Next up in difficulty to stop is alcohol. This is very common and is the most written about, particularly in memoirs. Alcohol is surely included in my memoir. However, it is almost an asterisk to my main story. Yes, I found alcohol the easiest to quit of my addictions. I also have seen people unable to quit, people who ruin their lives with the need to drink alcohol. There is plenty of help for the alcoholic, most notably Alcoholics Anonymous support groups, with literally thousands of members right here in the United States.

Alcoholics Anonymous is an amazing program and organization. I have seen it first-hand. It relies on no dues or fees from members. It is free. It is loosely organized and has no president as such at the local level. It is truly anonymous; all people are welcome.

The program, as many refer to it, works on a simple concept of one addict helping another. It is amazing how one of the key components of AA, its meetings, are attended by many, regardless of when and where they are held. The meetings follow a structure that is determined by the meeting itself. People willingly come to these meetings to primarily talk about their addiction to alcohol, and ways to stay away from using. People share details of their lives, and their feelings, to work through problems that would perhaps lead them to the temporary comfort of a drink. With an alcoholic, though, there is no such thing as a temporary drink.  One leads to another ad infinitum.

Additionally, each member of the group is encouraged to get a sponsor, someone from the group to befriend him and to guide him through life without drinking alcohol. It is amazing how people willingly, for no recompense whatsoever, help others to abstain from alcohol. Finally, there is the book Alcoholics Anonymous, fondly referred to as the Big Book, that lays out twelve steps to living a life free from addiction. These twelve steps have been used to address addictions other than alcohol. They become a way of life.

The success of Alcoholics Anonymous is that it directly attacks the isolation and loneliness felt by the compulsive drinker. It provides an empathetic audience to share stories and feelings. The group is more powerful than the individual, and provides a concrete method, complete with a sponsor, to quit drinking one day at a time. This is a well-known support group, Alcoholics Anonymous, and what addicts and alcoholics need is support. It is invaluable to be able to commiserate with someone who is going through the same ordeal, even better when there are many of those someone's to help you through your addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous, and other support groups have saved and changed the lives of many people.

The next less difficult drug to quit is Valium, according to Dr. Peale. Sedatives are reportedly hard to stop. I recall when New York TV newscaster Jim Jensen was reported to be in a deep depression. It was shocking to me at the time, as Jensen was the lead anchor-man for the WCBS TV news. It was reported he could not eat or sleep regularly. I found out that Jim Jensen had quit cocaine, but he found Valium, used to calm his nerves, much harder to quit. People now use antidepressants instead of Valium.  I am lucky I have no experience with Valium.

The next least difficult of the top seven to quit is reportedly heroin. Like Vicodin and OxyContin, heroin is hard to quit, but not for all people. I never would mess with this scary-sounding drug; however, I know people who have. I picture the heroin addict as a junkie as portrayed in films, sitting in an alley and shooting up, or snorting glue from a bag. There are probably addicts like this I am sure.

I know people who actually can, supposedly, casually use heroin. I wonder why they do it. Apparently, there is a high using it that is incomparable to any other high. I have no desire to find this high. The people who use it casually, of course, run the risk of becoming addicted to it. I know I would become addicted to it. I think the key is the addictive personality.

I have friends who can casually drink beer and smoke pot, and although they drink and smoke heavily, they do not use around the clock. They are not compulsive and do not have the need to drink or smoke all the time. This puzzles an addict like me. I don’t think these regular people have the same preoccupation as the addict has with using. The addict is so preoccupied with the substance that he can only find relief by using, thus setting the whole addictive cycle into motion. I would not think it possible to casually use heroin, but apparently, some people are just not wired for addiction.

As I write this in a bagel café in Haledon, NJ, the TV is on tuned to the local news channel. Wouldn’t you know it; a story comes on about heroin addiction? The subject is from Asbury Park, an urban shore community in New Jersey. This person got hooked on heroin. He had been to rehab nine times. Nine times and he still couldn’t stop. He eventually turned to crime to support his habit. He was arrested at a Garden State Parkway rest area in New Jersey, selling heroin itself. He was booked and faced serious prison time.

The story continues. The man went to court and was referred to his tenth and final rehab center. Here he found counselors and support. Here he was willing to help himself. He had nowhere to go but up. Sometimes, one has to lose everything, and I have witnessed this, in order to have the motivation to win his life back. Rehab Centers are the first line of defense in the war on drugs; however, they are just that, a defense after all else fails. All else will fail before a person is motivated enough to surrender to rehab treatment. I, fortunately, have never been to rehab, a word that became commonplace in the 1980s.

The third from the top hardest to quit drug from the list is, not surprisingly, cigarettes. These are very hard to quit, yet there is a noticeable absence of support groups or therapists that specifically deal with this addiction. Perhaps this is because cigarettes have long been socially acceptable. Times have changed dramatically, and cigarettes are much stigmatized. The health dangers are proven and well known. Smart people keep away from cigarettes.

I remember when The Flintstones TV show, a cartoon no less, was sponsored by Winston cigarettes. Winston tastes good like a cigarette should. I smoked Winston on occasion. They did not taste that good. Marlboro was much better. Both are deadly. I am glad I quit for good over 15 years ago. There is nothing good about being addicted to a cigarette.

I bought a 2014 car, and it doesn’t even come with an ashtray. These used to be standard in all cars. Barbershops used to be full of smokers. Ironically Alcoholics Anonymous used to and may still have smoking meetings, where people can smoke cigarettes as they work to stay free of alcohol addiction. I have friends who still smoke. I am not bothered by it. I know it can be enjoyable and is hard to quit. I even remember the calming effect and the taste of a good Marlboro, and I haven’t had one in 15 years. I could easily light up tomorrow and be right back to being a regular smoker. The draw of the cigarette is that strong.

The second hardest addiction to defeat is listed as food. Yes, food is hard to give up. Food, or more accurately the misuse of it, deprives many people of added years of life. Food addiction seems to be tolerated in our society. There are big and large clothing stores; there are drive around food carts in stores for people who can’t walk because of obesity. The prolific promotion of gastric bypass surgery is evidence that this is a stubborn problem in American life. Additionally, there are many hospitals and clinics that are treating the deleterious effects of obesity. Many health problems, such as heart and circulation problems, occur due to being overweight.

This begs the question, that if people know being obese is dangerous and unappealing, why don’t they simply just stop eating the wrong foods in the first place? The key here is the wrong foods. Many think that well you have to eat, so giving up food is difficult. Yes, true, but you don’t have to eat Twinkies, donuts, ice cream, and large quantities of chips. No, you don’t have to, but you do. I know I do. I love these foods. In fact, I love them too much. I can eat them all day long, or at least until my stomach bursts. Even though the effects are deleterious to my health, I can see why others and I are addicted to food.

Food for me was my last bastion of addiction. I was puzzled why I craved so many foods, and why I always wanted more. Friends even noticed my huge helpings of cake and the like. I struggled with food addiction until I succumbed to a self-help program and joined other people who recognized food addiction for what it is. It is here that I heard similar stories to my own. People typically have tried all kinds of diets and weight loss programs and have failed. These programs may work for people who are not addictively wired, but for those of us who are, being in a weight loss program is like throwing a thimble of water on a raging fire. The addiction will return, and the weight will be gained back.

I find that there are certain foods I have to abstain from. That is a popular word. The theory, and I have proven it myself many times, is I have a somewhat allergic reaction to certain foods that will cause me to want more and more. I don’t know why this is, but it is the hallmark of addiction. It defies common sense. Why can’t you have just one? Why can’t you have just a little piece? I can, but I would be miserable. My mind would be obsessed with having more. I would be thinking of nothing else, and I would be in pain. The only solution would be to have more and to feel the absolute pleasure of eating my favorite food. Beware, that as soon as the food is swallowed, I immediately crave more. I repeat the process and keep repeating it because it feels so good. The binge ends when I run out of food, which I would just go out for more, get a stomachache, or go to sleep.

Food addiction is very strong. The number of obese people is at epidemic levels. You see it everywhere you go. Hospitals are full of people with obesity-related diseases. Make no mistake about it; food addiction is very real. Sugar is usually the culprit. Many food addicts abstain from flour and wheat, as well. I still crave and desire sugary products. I have no desire to eat fruits, vegetables, and non-processed food for the rest of my life. However, I find myself coming very close to doing just that. I will never lose weight until I change my eating habits. Nothing changes if nothing changes is a true mantra.

I now eat fruit and oatmeal for breakfast. I used to eat bagels and donuts. I carefully watch what I eat for lunch. I don’t unbelievably eat any bread. I am told that bread, along with the ever-present unwanted carbs, has sugar in it. When I go to a Burger King or to a McDonalds, it is not uncommon for me to order three double cheeseburgers! I remove the buns and only eat the beef. This way it becomes a protein meal. Would I rather have the burgers with the bun? Of course, I would. However, I find that I feel better, and can achieve my weight loss goals, if I forego the bun. I once was at a friend’s house for a barbecue. He told me later he couldn’t figure out why he had more buns left than burgers. Then he remembered, Oh, Larry doesn’t eat bread.

Dinner is usually cooked at home. I avoid any kind of dessert, snacks, chips, chocolate, and sweets. I have a good healthy dinner with no ice cream for dessert.  This is a humongous change for me. How can anyone do such a thing? I have found that only with support from other people, and a determination that I want to better myself, can I achieve such a thing I once thought was unthinkable. When the pain is greater than the pleasure, one will change.  I got a lot of pleasure from eating. However, as I neared 300 pounds, I re-evaluated the meaning of pleasure. I am thankful, one day at a time, that I am managing my food choices, with the help of others in the same situation.

The top reported addiction, the absolute most deleterious and deadly, the one most difficult to quit, reportedly is love. Yes, love is definitely an addiction. Domestic violence is an everyday occurrence. Crimes of passion, often murder and suicide, are a result of love addiction. Studies show it is extremely difficult to break up with spouses, as evidenced by the number of abuse victims who stay in the marriage. This seems to be the rule rather than the exception. The pull of the security of supposed love is stronger than the withdrawal of facing life alone.

People can get addicted to people. There are many books about co-dependency where people are entranced by others and will literally do almost anything to please them or to be with them. There are stalkers who feel controlled to connect with their victims despite the consequences. Breakups often involve extreme violence, such as shootings, suicides, and rape. Be careful in love. Be very careful.

I have experienced this love addiction, and I assure you it is painful. I was in a nine-month relationship with a young man from Queens. He broke up with me on Valentine’s Day. I remember yelling through the phone, demanding to know why he was doing this to me. I felt like I was being assassinated. I had a sick feeling in my chest, right where the heart is. I felt heaviness on my chest. It was the worst feeling, and it lasted all day long. I thought about the breakup all day long. I went over every possible scenario that could have caused the breakup, all day, every day, to no avail. I went to see him, and he was like a zombie. The relationship was gone, and so was my identity. I was drowning in my own tears, and there were a lot of them. I have often said that this pain was worse than losing my father, my mother, or my brother, probably because the person is still walking around, and you can hardly function.

I again sought out help in a group for people who are co-dependent, or who overly rely on others for their happiness. I was there, alright. I found others in this group who were experiencing the same pain. It took much time before I finally got over this breakup. I have not had a serious relationship since.

Thinking is distorted. I remember constantly blaming myself for not recognizing the great relationship that I had finally found. When I shared my feelings with a close friend, I distinctly recall a puzzled look on her face. She told me I didn’t feel like that at all, and the relationship was not like I was describing it. One tends to romanticize the past, I guess. I was in love with being in love. I still maintained I liked the person, and I really did. I tried so hard to get a second chance with him, but it was not to be.

Years later, we became connected with the ever-popular Facebook. He had moved on, and at first was in an abusive relationship. This was right at the time I was literally begging him to come back to me. I would think he would be running back to escape the abusive relationship. He did not. I later found out that my friend changed into a woman! I was saddened by this, as I liked him as a guy. I, of course, respect and understand his feelings. It surprised me that he really felt he was a female. I guess it would not have worked out had we gotten back together after all. 

Believe me, though, at the time, I was withdrawing from love addiction, and I was willing to do anything to relieve the pain, up to and including suicide. In fact, one person who I knew from my New York support group for co-dependents did just that. He committed suicide. At the next meeting, we laid a red rose on his seat. I was numb, as I always felt that this was the one person who I identified with the most in the group. That is how strong this addiction is. It is little wonder that love truly is the hardest addiction to quit.

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P I E C E S   E X P L A I N E D:   D E P R E S S I O N

D

epression is defined as persistent feelings of sadness and worthlessness and a lack of desire to engage in formerly pleasurable activities, says a December 27, 2015 article in Psychology Today. Depression involves the body, the mind, and the thoughts of the depressed person. Depression, make no mistake about it, is an illness that cannot be wished or willed away. It must be treated, or it will persist.

Major depression can impair most of the basic functions of life, such as eating, sleeping, working, and relationships. It is a general mood disorder that permeates every aspect of the depressed person’s life. Dysthymic disorder depression is less severe but is long term. People with this condition find it difficult to function or to feel normal. They just do not feel good. People with dysthymic disorder depression often have periods of major depression during their lifetime. Bipolar depression is not as prevalent as the two other depressions discussed. Bipolar involves severe highs and lows often coupled with compulsive behavior.

Symptoms of depression include difficulty sleeping, concentrating, and feeling emotions.  Depression may also include headaches, digestive problems, and chronic pain. There is no known cause of depression. Experts tend to agree that depression is a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. It is definitely a disorder of the brain. Trauma is often cited as a cause of depression. This could be from the death of a loved one, a failed relationship, or any number of life situations that are interpreted as stressful.  Stress and trauma are major ingredients in a person who is depressed.

Experts report that women have twice the rate of depression as men. However, men tend to have a higher death rate due to heart and other health problems related to stress and depression. Men can become compulsive at work, act out on addictions, and engage in reckless behavior as a response to depression. There are over six million men in the United States who are depressed each year. Four times more men than women die from suicide attempts.

Senior citizens can be especially susceptible to the adverse effects of depression. Blood vessels that can already be hardened through age can cause a subcortical ischemic depression. I once went to the hospital for numbness in the face and just general discomfort. I do recall after being held overnight for observation the word ischemic was on the report when I was released. Depression, especially in males, can cause a life that is unfamiliar to even yourself. I remember engaging in numerous addictions, becoming a workaholic, and surely participating in reckless behavior.

The good news is that depression is highly treatable, as states the article in Psychology Today. I will go with just treatable. It takes a long time to find which therapies and medications, literally A through Z, will work for you. It may be highly treatable but not easily treatable.

Antidepressants are probably the first and most popular defense against depression. They are confirmed not to be habit-forming or addictive. There is what is called a black box warning on antidepressants, that ironically, they may cause suicidal thoughts in people under the age of 24. Here is a drug that is supposed to prevent me from killing myself, part of the definition of severe depression, that has a warning on it that it may do just that, albeit for a select age group of people.

Talk therapy should go hand in hand with the use of antidepressants and should really be the first defense against depression. Isolation and being alone with one’s thoughts, especially dark and dreary thoughts, is practically the definition of depression. A mind that is diseased with depression logically cannot be the same mind that lifts or solves the depression. The disease of depression tries to convince you otherwise. You feel foolish talking about your problems and feelings to someone else. You feel stigmatized. You fear being judged and labeled as crazy. This is the stereotype of the past that is quickly and thankfully disappearing in today’s world.

Depression is a disease and needs treatment. Psychologists talk to you about depression to help you to cognitively combat it. Psychiatrists administer the drugs to help your brain function better so that you will be able to more easily function in everyday life. Take advantage of what these professionals offer. Depression can be treated successfully with the right combination of talk and medication therapies.

Today there is much talk about herbal remedies. A depressed person is willing to try just about anything. I know. The popular herbal remedy is a plant called Saint John’s Wart, an unusual, almost comical name. Surely that should put a dent in this serious malady. One study of 336 patients cites that half were given St. Johns Wart, and the other half were given a sugar pill placebo. There was no difference in the outcome of the depressed patients; in other words, St. Johns Wart is apparently not a cure at all.

Finally, the most important sign of recovery from depression is to be with others again, to engage in social activities, and to enjoy life. Many twelve-step groups that deal with addiction have, by nature, people who are also on the depression spectrum. Once the addiction is dealt with and put down, many people now must reintegrate back into a community-based lifestyle. Support groups