Hard Hats Mandatory, Sanity Optional

By Richard Farley

If you are looking for a funny book that will make your job feel like a blessing then you need this book. 

 

This is quite likely the only humorous book about the construction industry and the people working there. Why? Well, you try to find a writer who has been there and survived, or a construction worker who can write a book. 

 

In this one of a kind book the reader will join the author in discovering:

 

Clothing styles unique to construction

The Greenhouse that never grows plants

Secrets of a gourmet construction lunch

Unique characters in each trade

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richard Farley
• Release date: Jun 3, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393074212

Book preview

Why Barricades Have Peep-Holes

Plywood walls surround construction sites in the city. Like the barricades in a zoo, they separate one dangerous species from one curious species. They protect unprotected spectators from workers carrying contagious craziness.

Years ago, a contractor hit upon a brilliant idea. Mindful of the need to attract new blood to the work-force without increasing the chance for bloodshed, the contractor installed viewing holes in the barricades. It didn’t take long before curious passer-byes peeked through the openings. Eventually, some of those curious onlookers took the bait and applied for jobs in construction. Proving once again that curiosity mixed with hunger will hook a fish every time.

This book will take you inside that world for a close, in-depth look at what it takes to survive and succeed in the construction trades.  Hopefully, as you read through these pages, you will find the right trade for you.  A trade where you can enjoy those strange and disgusting habits that make you the unique individual you are. When that magical moment happens, when personality and perversion come together, you will see the world through new eyes. At least they will seem new, what with all the red overtones that those little eyeball blood vessels cause.

When you find that perfect job, rejoice and take heart. The entry requirements are not as difficult as you may have heard.  All you need is a valid birth certificate, proving that you exist, and a social security number telling Uncle Sam how to tax you for existing. 

For some dangerous and/or technical jobs, you will need a passing score on a urine test. Fear not, this test is not to detect substance abuse. It’s measuring hand-eye coordination. The test is rewarding and is fairly easy to pass.  Usually, a few hours of study will get you through with flying colors.

Once established as a taxable, resource with close to human intelligence, you will be on your way to joining the ranks of some pretty rank and unforgettable people. Some of them you have seen walking the streets of your town pushing shopping carts full of empty beer cans and talking to fire hydrants.  If you haven't seen them yet, you will, now you are on the road before the sun comes up and driving through the parts of town that the police avoid. Coming home from work is scarier than driving to work since those empty cans are now money for a variety of mind-altering goodies.

To the uninformed eye, those blank-eyed people shuffling along the road are the cast-offs of a cruel system that uses workers while they are young and then tosses away the remains. Although sometimes this is true, in the construction worker’s case there are additional facts to examine. Usually, the blank-eyed look results from trying to remember where they parked their car. The shopping cart is usually full of empty beer cans and not belongings. As for the conversations with fire hydrants, well, that is just a construction worker’s desire for networking.

So, stop peeking through that barricade like a sissy. It’s time to learn the ropes... just be sure to keep a rope cutting knife, for a quick escape.

Work Side of Job Site Fence

Where the real shit happens.

Observation Side of Job Site Fence

Where normal humans get their curiosity satisfied.

Construction Terminology

Before we study the individual trades, it is important that you have a working knowledge of the words and phrases used in the construction industry. For some of you, these words may already seem familiar, providing you had a rotten childhood, you grew up on a Navy vessel, or made a youthful habit of letting your mother brush your teeth with soap. Many  of you will no doubt recall words that sound familiar, or are spelled the same as the construction terms.  Trust me; this is where the similarity ends, so try to not confuse the issues with facts. 

For the sake of better understanding, I have included the normal meaning of these words where I felt it would aid your understanding.  Use them as a reference only, and then forget them. Any desire to speak or act normally will only hamper your career as a construction worker.

One final note before we get to the words themselves.  You notice I have not listed these words in alphabetical order.  Doing so would only slow down your advancement in the construction trades. Holding on to the false belief that logic, organization, and attention to detail are desirable qualities will only make you stand out as someone who will need a lot of extra training.

Now, let's look at the words you will need to know as a construction worker, regardless of your particular trade.

Please remember that this list is not complete. I have to assume that you already have a commanding fluency with four-letter words, colorful metaphors and advanced potty-mouth techniques. If you don’t you should give serious consideration to night classes at a local biker bar.

Safety Equipment

Construction workers bitch about being forced to use safety equipment. It’s like farmers bitching about the weather and politicians bitching about how hard they work giving themselves pay raises. But, get those same construction workers telling stories and you will hear tales of close calls on the job that could have been serious, had it not been for those annoying hard hats, glasses or ear plugs. On the job these stories add to a worker’s esteem. Off the job they may just bring a little sympathy from the opposite sex or, with a little luck, sympathy sex.

Contractors agree on one thing, safety. Many have put a