Life In A Two Story Outhouse

By Richard Farley

Follow Richard as he stumbles his way through mishaps with animals, computers, gardening, the outdoors and DIY catastrophes in this humorous collection of true stories. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richard Farley
• Release date: Mar 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393791461

Book preview

Pets and Pests

What humorous book would be complete without a section dedicated to those sometimes wonderful, sometimes infuriating animals sharing our lives?

Like many of you I have had an array of pets share my life. Growing up in a little mountain town in northern California and the youngest of five kids pets were a big part of my life. Over the years the usual collection of cats and dogs joined our family, along with a few unusual pets, like an owl, a turtle, pigeons, and parakeets.

Hell, at one time we had a squadron of bats flying formation around our vaulted ceiling living room. We all agreed that the bats were not pets, none more so than my mother and sister. My older brothers would take turns standing on the steep stairs leading up to an attic room and scoop the intruders out of the air with a fishing net. Now, that’s country living.

In the gardening section of this book there is a story called; Counter Terrorism in the Garden, check it out for a glimpse at what a small herd of sheep can do to a vegetable garden., I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

A Dog’s Tale

Iwas enjoying myself in the backyard, doing what male dogs love to do, lick their crotch. I know, humans get all grossed out when dogs do that, but hey, if you can reach it enjoy it I always say. Well, I don't say it, since I can't talk, but I think it a lot. And, I’m sure that humans would be a lot happier if they could do it to.

So there I was, doing my thing, minding my business when my owner flies out the back door with one of his wild-eyed human looks all over that flat, bare human face of his. Nothing new there except he was looking right at me with that look. The smell of his excitement made me forget about my personal grooming and perk up my ears.

I thought about running over to him wagging my tail and do that excited dog dance around his feet, but something told me to play it cool and see what this was all about. I didn't want to encourage him until I found out what my role in this excitement would be.

Rex. Come on over here buddy, he said in that sweet voice.

No, I'm good where I am, over here in the dirt. I gave him two tail wags so his feelings didn't get hurt.

I will buy a female dog for you to mate with and make money selling the puppies. It will be great. No work, no hassle, nothing to go wrong.

Wait... What?... Female?... Mating?... Me? Well, he had my attention now, I tell ya.

I wanted to play it cool, but the thirty foot leap to his side may have tipped my hand a little. I didn't care that my enthusiasm showed... in more ways than one. This is the news every male dog dreams of. A business plan where I only had to romance the ladies. Yip, yip, yip! I'm all over this.

So, in what seemed like weeks, but was only hours, he came back out the back door to say he had researched suitable breeding partners for me. A nearby breeder had a fine female just perfect for a suitable partner.

(Oh momma, I liked the sound of those words... suitable breeding partner)

I set aside my male canine subtlety and I all but shoved him through the back gate towards the driveway. I would not be begging to join him on this drive. I had important grooming to attend to.

By the time I had groomed my private parts three more times and rolled in the fertilized flower bed for that irresistible male dog aroma, I heard him pulling into the driveway with my future passion flower.

I hid the pins and needles as I sat waiting at the gate. I had to keep my cool. The only outward signs of my anxiety? Just some constant whining and high-speed tail wagging. Well, all right, maybe a lot of whining and trembling, but who could blame me.

Minutes later the gate opened and in walked the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. Actually the only female with four legs my eyes had ever laid on, but who’s counting? My gaze saw perfection in every way. She was female, alive, and in my yard with no means of escape.

To make the best first impression I went straight for her tail for my most charming sniff-and-greet. And, that’s where everything went south.

I didn't know a female could be shy and sweet one second, and the next a snarling, snapping demon from hell. I guess I thought females were stable and predictable like us guys. Was I ever wrong.

"Holy Gravy-Train," as I tried to enjoy my first sniff, she whirled around and almost took my nose off. When she proceeded towards my butt, I hoped she had reconsidered. That dream died when she took a bite out of my ass that almost severed my tail.

Only my owner's quick actions to step between us, and my macho, high-speed retreat to the most distant corner of the backyard calmed the less than perfect introductions.

Being the sly-dog I am I hid my anxiety over the female’s rejection. I would not give her one hint of my damaged ego, and except for my drooping ears and the occasional whine I pulled off my deception well.

The social shunning lasted for some time, (thirteen days, six hour and forty-one seconds, but who counts?) The next day things took a positive turn. 

I was enjoying the afternoon sun on the small, side patio when the lady of the house came out and sat in the chair beside me. I wagged my tail in appreciation as she scratched behind my ears and petted my side. She was more gentle than the male human and that made me relax into her touch. I stretched out in front of her to enjoy the attention.

I closed my eyes as she rubbed my belly.

I love this human. She makes me feel... Wait... What... Oh my! Where have you been all my life, sweet lady human?

After-wards, I laid there basking in the afterglow of sweet, sweet love. She was my first and I would shower her with tokens of my affection forever.

After what seemed like an eternity, I found the strength to sit up. I watched as the lady of my dreams approached the female with something that looked like one of those meat baster thingies the humans used when cooking outside.

How thoughtful to share this expression of love with my counterpart. Sure, I was a little taken aback that the lady pitched for both teams, but being progressive I refused to judge.

The female wanted none of the lady’s attention. With her tail tucked between her legs, the female scooted for the corner of the fence and stayed there. She even had the nerve to utter a low growl a time or two.

You snooze, you lose bitch. Stupid female dog didn’t know what she was missing out on.

My heart ached for the lady human when I saw the sad look on her face. I vowed that I would make up for the female dog’s rude behavior towards this sweet, giving human.

Even though the passion of our relationship never again reached such exquisite heights, I continued to show the lady human my affection with fresh flowers whenever she came outside. After all, a stud knows that fresh flowers are the way to a lady’s heart... and, with any luck, her hand.

Sadistic Squirrels, Devious Deer

Gardening of any sort is a lesson in futility. I guarantee, any attempt to get Mother Nature to reimburse you for hard work will incur her wrath. That wrath comes in the form of four, six, and eight-legged terrorists.

Why are people so bipolar about the minions Mother Nature sends against us? Oh sure, most of us challenge the six and eight-legged varieties with every chemical and mechanical marvel known to gardeners, without a second thought. But, mention to a group of friends the countermeasures you use against deer and squirrels and you are asking for a modern-day equivalent of tar-and- feathering. Tofu-and-feathering is what they call it. Tofu now replacing tar because of environmental concerns, but no less effective when you heat the tofu to a pain inducing temperature. For those more sensitive to environmental concerns this method is biodegradable.

I don’t get it. How can logical people show such a double standard thinking for the countermeasures used against deer and squirrels?

Come on people. Open your eyes and turn on your brains.

Take away the big eyes of the deer and the fuzziness of that squirrel and what do you have? Shrink down that deer, add a few legs and you still have a plant-eating terrorists. Except now we call it a locust and think nothing of spraying, squashing, and searing it into oblivion.

Or, take that cute little squirrel, shave its tail, and see what you get. A fricking rat! A tree-climbing, garden raiding rat who has left the subterranean shadow world for the easy-pickings of above-ground gardens.

OK. I realize that the only way I will convince most of you that these are not the ravings of a lunatic with a persecution complex is to forsake my unbiased logic and make my point with personal examples. What follows is the unemotional recounting of actual traumatic skirmishes I’ve had with these back-yard insurgents.

I have nothing but respect for our special ops troops. Their feats of bravery like night parachute drops into enemy territory amaze me. But I have to say they didn’t invent HALO (high altitude, low opening) maneuvers. Sorry guys, but that distinction goes to nature’s elite special operator, the squirrel.

Anyone living in the country, and some city folks will tell you that a squirrel will overcome any obstacle to reach a desired food source. Their determination coupled with a lack of fear guarantees they will get what they are after every time. If you need proof, just watch You-Tube videos about the obstacle courses people have created in feeble attempts to defeat these little masters of human humiliation.

Since few people live where shooting guns is legal, and fewer still brave enough to face the social shunning for killing helpless animals, some have tried to drive squirrels away using sling-shots and rock throwing. I don’t advise this dangerous tactic. The damage to one’s ego from a dispassionate squirrel watching projectile near misses is severe. There are a few polite squirrels who will show you the kindness of moving to the back side of the tree before laughing, but most have no problem giving you one of those, Pffft, is that all you got? looks.

Historians claim that the reason American families migrated from the farm to the city was because of better job opportunities. Anyone who has ever lived in the country knows this conclusion is wrong. People who once lived off the land moved to the city to get away from deer.

Nothing will kill your chances of having a successful garden like a devious deer taking possession of your land. It is the deer’s land and you are the deer deli caretaker. Any foolish attempts to disprove this will not end well for the human.

Why do I make the claim that deer are devious? Think about