Pep Talk Man And Other Stories!

By John McDonnell

What do a cranky princess, a sassy devil, a werewolf, a couple of joyriding aliens, and an incompetent superhero have in common? Well, they sprang from the wacky imagination of John McDonnell. Based on John's popular short plays, these stories will give you plenty of laughs. The writing style is a cross between P.G. Wodehouse and Groucho Marx, with a little Seinfeld thrown in for good measure. Laughter is a healing force, and you'll get lots of healing from Pep Talk Man And Other Stories! Enjoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: John McDonnell
• Release date: May 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463763759

John McDonnell

John McDonnell is a British Labour Party politician who was appointed the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer in September 2015. He became the Member of Parliament (MP) for Hayes and Harlington at the 1997 general election, and has retained his seat from then onwards.

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PEP TALK MAN

AND

OTHER STORIES!

Copyright 2020 John McDonnell

Discover other titles by John McDonnell at Smashwords.com.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication:

To my wife Anita for her eternal support, and to my amazing children.

INTRODUCTION

What do a cranky princess, a sassy devil, a werewolf, a couple of joyriding aliens, and an incompetent superhero have in common? Well, they sprang from the same imagination – mine. I do many types of writing, but comedy is my all-time favorite. The reason is that laughter is a healing force in the world, and I think we all need that kind of healing these days. I had a lot of fun writing these stories, and I hope you have as much fun reading them. Enjoy!

See more of my books at Smashwords.com.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ALWAYS ASK A PRINCESS

JUST FIRE ME, PLEASE!

BAD HAIR DAY

THE FLEMISH ARE TO BLAME

PEP TALK MAN

ALWAYS ASK A PRINCESS

It was a day like any other in the forest, which meant that amazing, stupendous, magical things were always about to happen. You just couldn’t have a boring, ordinary day in this forest, no matter how hard you tried. If you took a stroll in this forest, for instance, you might meet a hideous mountain troll, all purple and green and slavering, or you might encounter a talking bird, or an ugly old witch with warts all over her face, or perhaps a tree that would give you a poisoned apple to eat, or any one of a hundred other hideous things. It was known as the Hideous Forest, and you had to expect hideous things to happen when you walked in it.

In the middle of the Hideous Forest there was a rickety wooden bridge high above a raging river, and on the other side there was rumored to be a dragon’s cave. The bridge was guarded by a seedy old man named Old George, and it appeared that he was quite blind. You might think that this blindness would be an impediment to his job as guardian of the bridge, but Old George was actually a very effective bridgekeeper. He compensated for his blindness by being extremely clever, although in a humble, apologetic sort of way.

On this particular day Old George was sitting on a tree stump near the cliff minding his own business, when there came a crashing sound in the forest and someone stumbled into the clearing. This was Princess Meredith, her hair full of leaves and twigs, and in a foul mood because she’d been walking all day and was very hot and tired and sick of meeting the hideous forest creatures and having to run away from them and get brambles in her hair. She was not in the best of spirits, then, and when she saw the old man sitting on the tree stump, she approached him and called out crossly.

Hello, you disgusting seedy old man. What are you doing out here all alone?

The bridgekeeper blinked and looked in the opposite direction from the princess.

Hmm? Who’s there?

Princess Meredith strode up to within a few feet of him, and said, My name is Princess Meredith, and I am on a quest to find a magic ring. Who in blazes are you?

The bridgekeeper was listening intently, but he was still turned in the opposite direction.

This made the princess very annoyed. What’s the matter with you? I’m over here! Can’t you see me?

The bridgekeeper wrinkled his face in concentration, then said, There may be someone talking to me at present, but I can’t be certain. Come a bit closer if you are there, please. I’m blind, you know. Don’t be afraid. I’m just Poor Old George, the Poor Old Keeper of this bridge. Can’t see his hand in front of his face, can Old George. Now, where would you be located, if I may ask?

Princess Meredith stood right next to Old George and shouted at the top of her lungs. ARE YOU DEAF? I SAID I’M OVER HERE!

This caused Old George to jump several feet in the air, and when he landed he turned and faced her.

Why, there you are! Actually, me ears don’t work so well neither. And the nose is on the bum, too. Can’t smell worth a nickel. And that affects me taste buds of course – everything tastes like stale bread to Old George. But me sense of touch -- why, that’s still tiptop! I can tell anything about a person by touching them.

To prove his point, Old George started running his hands over the princess. Now, for example, I can tell you’re female, you’ve been perspiring quite a lot, you’re oh, I’d say 23 years old, and you have quite a nice set of—

That’s enough! cried the princess, shoving Old George away. I’ll thank you to keep your hands to yourself, you smelly old goat!

The bridgekeeper groveled a bit in apology. Sorry, Miss, sorry. It’s just that I don’t see many young ladies around here. Afraid of the dragon, they are. He likes to eat young ladies, that one.

It was not what Princess Meredith wanted to hear. "You mean there’s a dragon over there on the other side of that bridge? Why