The High Heeled Dragon Hunter

By John McDonnell

Someone committed a crime in a fantasy kingdom. The suspect is a fearsome dragon.
Jimmy Delehanty and Enid O’Malley, hardboiled private detectives and dragon hunters, are on the case.
Enid’s the brainy one.
Jimmy?
Not so much.
Along the way they meet a wacky cast of characters – a narcissistic woodsman, a feisty leprechaun, a giant with body shame, a tortoise who can’t get over his childhood, a bad-tempered oak tree, and a witch named Francine.
The High Heeled Dragon Hunter is a mashup of fantasy, pulp fiction, and a healthy dose of romantic tension between two fantasy world detectives.
Will Jimmy and Enid find the dragon? If they do, will they get turned into barbecue? Will these two crazy private eyes realize they’re in love with each other? You’ll find the answers to all these questions in this comic fantasy that’s part detective story and part fairy tale.
And you’ll find yourself laughing at every page.
It’s a wacky detective story where the laughs come at machine gun speed and the fun never stops.
Get it today!

• Language: English
• Publisher: John McDonnell
• Release date: Apr 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215898727

John McDonnell

John McDonnell is a British Labour Party politician who was appointed the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer in September 2015. He became the Member of Parliament (MP) for Hayes and Harlington at the 1997 general election, and has retained his seat from then onwards.

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THE HIGH HEELED DRAGON HUNTER

By John McDonnell

Copyright © 2021 by John McDonnell

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the publisher

except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing, 2021

ISBN 0-9000000-0-0

John McDonnell Publishing

www.johnfmcdonnell.com

FICTITIOUS DISCLAIMER

This book is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and situations within its pages and places or persons, living or dead, is unintentional and co-incidental.

DEDICATION

To my wife Anita. Thanks for all the laughter.

CHAPTER ONE

A troll in the office.

I told myself I was finished with detective work for clients in mythical kingdoms, and I meant it too, but what’s a guy to do when he’s got a twelve foot tall green troll with purple hair, cauliflower ears, and yellow teeth sitting across from him crying?

You must come and ‘elp us, guv’nor, the troll said, his large body shaking as he sobbed. The kingdom is in mortal danger. We’ve no one to turn to but you. We’re in a most desperate situation, you see.

Maybe it sounds heartless, but I wasn’t falling for the troll’s sob story. For one thing, I just paid some of my hard-earned money to get my office carpets shampooed and this big lug was slobbering all over them. I’d have tossed him out on his gigantic ears except my partner Enid St. James had enough of the sympathy gene for both of us. Enid took a tissue out of her purse and gave it to the troll, then said, You poor sap. Pull yourself together and tell us the problem.

Let me tell you a bit about my partner. She was the complete package, Enid was -- a crack shot with a .38, a left hook that would stop a truck, a set of legs that didn’t quit, a brain that would make mincemeat out of Albert Einstein on his best day, and a heart like – well, Enid was a sucker for a tale of woe, even if it came from a green troll.

She patted the troll on his warty skin and encouraged him to go on with the sad tale.

The big palooka blew his noise loudly and pulled himself together, then started the story again.

As I was saying, guv’nor, we’re in a bad state. An evil witch ‘as put us under a spell, and the kingdom is falling apart. It’s like a dark cloud come over us. Except dark clouds usually bring rain, and we ‘aven’t ‘ad no rain in months. We’re all dying of thirst. I’m surprised I’ve got enough water left in me to make tears, I am.

A witch’s spell? I said, laughing. You don’t need me to handle that. Any garden variety wizard can help you find the antidote. Even a dimwitted troll must know that.

He got a little ruffled by that comment. He sat up straighter in the chair, which groaned under his weight, and huffed. Of course I knows that! Don’t you think we tried the wizards? None of ‘em can do a thing. They’re all stumped by this witch. She’s a right smart one, she is! No, we need special ‘elp this time. We need your services, Mr. Delahanty!

I snorted derisively. I have a hard time believing you can’t find a wizard in your whole kingdom who can help, but no matter. I’m out of the fairy tale business. Through. Finished. Done. You’ll have to find another sucker this time.

My partner wasn’t happy with that answer. What’s the matter with you, you big mug? she said. Can’t you see how upset he is? It must be something pretty serious to make a troll cry like that. Their kingdom needs help. Why wouldn’t you want to give them a hand?

She was trying to push my guilt button, but I wasn’t having any of it.

Look, I said. You know what happens every time we go back to Fairy Land for one of these capers. It never ends well for us.

I don’t know about that, she said. I like it there. They’re a friendly bunch, and gee, everything seems more alive in that world. The colors pop more. There’s always music in the air. And there’s always something happening, unlike here, which can get pretty depressing and gritty.

I prefer my reality depressing and gritty rather than living in a fantasy land, Enid, I said. I’m done with fantasy. Give me the real world any day. I’m a cheap suit and three day stubble kind of guy myself, you know that.

Does that mean you won’t ‘elp us? the troll said.

You guessed the answer to the $64,000 question, Chief, I said. I’m out.

But what are we to do? the troll said. We need ‘elp, desperate like.

I opened my desk drawer, took out the phone directory, and tossed it across the desk.

Here you go, I said. Just look up private detective agencies in the Yellow Pages and you’ll find plenty of guys stupid enough to take this job. You can include me out of that group, though.

The troll began to sob again, and I knew it wasn’t because he realized his huge fingers were not suited to paging through a phone directory.

We’re doomed! he wailed, his large body shaking with each sob.

Jimmy, you stupid mug, look what you’ve done, Enid said. There was no call for that. Well if you’re too much of a coward to take on this job, I’ll do it without you. I’m not scared of any witch. She patted the troll on the knee. I’ll help you out, she said.

Oh, thank you miss, he said, smiling through his tears. The citizens of Fairy Land will be very grateful to ‘ear that.

Enid shot me a look that called my manhood into question, and I have to admit it shook me. We were a team, and she’d never taken a job on her own before. I thought she was a great chum, and I couldn’t bear the thought of having her in danger in a fairy tale kingdom, so I gave a weary sigh and said, All right, I’ll tag along on this caper, even though it’s against my better judgment. I’m telling you right now, though, the first time things get screwy I’m out of there.

Oh thank you, sir! the troll said, grinning from ear to ear and showing a massive array of disgusting yellow teeth in the process.

Don’t thank me yet, I said. Enid and I have to be paid well or we’re backing out.

Oh, don’t worry about that, sir, the troll said. We’re prepared to pay ‘andsomely for your services. In fact, I’ve been authorized to give you an advance. He reached into the pocket of his loose fitting pants and pulled out something round and gold and shiny, and set it on my desk.

Enid gave a whistle. Holy cow, is that what I think it is?

The troll smiled again. Yes it is, miss. A golden egg, that it is.

So the kingdom has a goose that lays golden eggs, I said. That’s a new development. What’s the story behind this goose?

The troll’s face wrinkled in confusion. Goose? It didn’t come from no goose, sir. No, it’s a much rarer thing than a goose egg. It’s from a platypus. Didn’t think of that, did you? He smiled again in triumph.

What in the Sam Hill is a platypus? I said.

It’s a semiaquatic egg-laying mammal endemic to eastern Australia, including Tasmania, Enid said.

I smacked my forehead in astonishment. Who would know a thing like that? Only Enid. Enid has a brain that’s crammed full of facts, and I never know when it’s going to cough up something wiggy like that.

By the way, she continued, it’s also called the duck-billed platypus because of the fact that it has a bill. It’s a strange looking specimen, I’ll grant you, with that duck bill and a tail that looks like a beaver’s, and its webbed feet. It hunts for prey through echolocation, which makes it similar to bats. It also has a spur on its hind foot that delivers a powerful venom, which is used—

Okay, I get it, I said, waving my hand. Enough with the biology lesson. The question is, what’s a platypus doing in Fairy Land?"

Oh it’s a rare creature, I grant you sir, said the troll. There ain’t but one of ‘em in the whole kingdom. She’s a cute little creature, she is. But of course, that’s the problem now. The witch wants ‘er for ‘erself, and she won’t release us from the spell till we gives ‘er up. But the princess is fond of the little thing, and she wants to keep ‘er as a pet.

A pet? Enid said, chuckling. You’ve got the whole kingdom under a witch’s spell because of a princess’s pet? I’d wrap that marsupial up in a big bow and give it to the witch in a New York minute.

The troll considered this. Oh, you’ve got a point, miss, and believe me, the subject ‘as been broached with ‘er ‘ighness. She actually did come around to the idea of giving up the platypus, but, well, there’s another problem—

What? I said.

The troll frowned. The platypus ‘as disappeared.

How can a platypus disappear? Enid said. They waddle like ducks when they walk. The thing couldn’t have gotten far. Have you searched for it?

We ‘ave, the troll said sadly. It’s nowhere to be found. That’s why we need your ‘elp, sir. There’s no ‘ope for us if you don’t come to our aid.

Well, I’ve heard enough, Enid said, unfurling those killer legs and standing up. Let’s get this show on the road. Jimmy, you’d better bring some firepower. Something tells me we’re going to need it. And I’ll just hang on to this, she said, scooping up the golden egg and putting it in her red purse in one smooth motion, then snapping the purse shut. Sometimes I think that purse of Enid’s is as big inside as Grand Central Station. The thing is so small it fits in the palm of her hand, but I’ve seen her put more in there than ever comes out.

I opened my desk drawer and pulled out my snub-nosed .38 special (affectionately known as Betsy), tucked it in my shoulder holster, creased the crown of my fedora and snapped it on my head, then followed Enid and the troll down in the elevator to the basement, where we made our way down a maze of corridors to the yellow door to Fairy Land. The door had a sign on it that read, Warning: Do Not Enter Unless You Are Authorized For Alternate Realities. We all stood in front of the camera above the door so the program could verify our identities, then the door unlocked with a click and opened with a slight creaking noise, and we went inside.

CHAPTER TWO

Who turned off the water?

It takes a little while to make the passage to Fairy Land, mostly because on the other side of the door is a long corridor that finally leads you outside where you have to climb on the back of a giant tortoise, who is the official transporter to the Castle Of Happiness. The tortoise has seats strapped to its shell, and Enid and I climbed up, sat down, and buckled our seatbelts. It’s always been a mystery to me why we have to use seatbelts in the first place, though – this tortoise was never going to break any speed records, if you get my meaning.

And he was a pretty bad-tempered customer. When I asked what our estimated time of arrival was, the old boy snapped at me.

We’ll get there when we get there, the tortoise snapped. You’re not in the Real World anymore, sir, and things go at their own pace here.

I just asked a simple question, I said. No need to get sore about it.

No lip from the passengers, if you please, he replied.

So I had a lot time to think while the tortoise plodded on, and I decided I was going to do everything I could to find the missing platypus and get out of there as soon as I could. I’ve had too many screwy things happen in Fairy Land, and I didn’t trust the place, to be honest with you.

Enid was different. She loves the place, always has, and her spirits get a boost every time she walks through that yellow door. Although this time she could tell right away something was different.

What happened here? she said. The place looks like hell.

She was right. Fairy Land literally looked like hell. For one thing, there was a haze in the air like you get in my neighborhood on a day in July when the heat and the smog just lays heavy like a quilt your Aunt Matilda made and gave you for a birthday present you didn’t want.

And there was more. Lots more.

The flowers, Enid said. They’re all gone.

I gave a whistle to indicate I agreed. Normally there were enough flowers growing all over the place to make a honeybee turn somersaults. I’m not a guy who knows the names of every flower in existence, but I can tell you there were big ones, small ones, sweet-smelling ones, and in every color in the rainbow, and some that weren’t invented in the Real World yet.

Now they were gone. There was nothing left but the dried up remains of the flowers all over the landscape. And the birds who normally flitted around from tree to bush to flower bed, they were all gone too.

Something’s screwy here, I said. I never seen the landscape so bare.

The troll let out a massive sigh as he trudged beside us. It’s true, sir. All the pretty flowers is gone. And the birdies too. All gone forever. It’s the curse we’re under, you see. We ‘aven’t had rain in forever and a day here, and all the flowers has died of thirst. It’s terrible, it is.

I’ve never seen Fairy Land without flowers, Enid said. It sure looks different.

The tortoise had his own opinion about that.

Flowers? Just think how hard it is on tortoises these days. Can’t get a drop of water to drink, he said. "Tortoises need water