Edna's Employment Agency

By Wred Fright

They say that the only thing worse than having a job is not having a job, but they're wrong.

There is something worse than not having a job.

It is being so desperate in looking for work that you show up at Edna's Employment Agency where her team of charlatans, ne'er-do-wells, and screwups probably won't find you a job, but they will find you some laughs as they loudly discuss their sex lives, fake drug tests, break into the office, burn down the office, dig donuts out of the trash, get punched in the face, make fun of resumes, drag coworkers into the restroom, hide under desks, get drunk, look for better jobs themselves, treat cancer as a bad excuse for missing work, plot their way through office politics using bagels, take smoke breaks during their smoke breaks, watch training videos from the 1980s, use copious amounts of profanity to prepare for meetings, engage in slapstick to express their status, war against the I.T. department, fume that people who don't even know how to spell make more money than they do, and, sometimes--just sometimes--, actually work.

And that's just the staff of the staffing firm. Then there are the temps . . .

You'll meet them all in Edna's Employment Agency, the book you shouldn't bring to a job interview because you're dressed nicely, so you don't want to piss yourself laughing.

Unless, you know, it's that kind of job . . .

If you like television shows such as The Office and Parks And Recreation, then you likely will enjoy this novel of workplace humor.

Edna's Employment Agency is the fourth novel by Wred Fright. The other three are The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus, Blog Love Omega Glee, and Frequently Asked Questions About Being Dead. More info about the author and his books can be found at Wredfright.Com.

Praise for Fright and his works from fellow writers, literary critics, and scruffy publications:

"Wred Fright does it again. His almost-all-dialogue treatise on employment agencies comes fast and furious, or maybe furiously fast. Either way, it sets into motion manic episodes of grand proportions, a whirlwind of oftentimes zany characters who Fright gives gravitas to by intermingling snippets of their lives that read like some stream-of-consciousness-infused Winesburg, Ohio, and a tale that stomps the fringes of absurdity like a cowpoke riding a mad bull.

The kooky cast of Edna’s Employment Agency will almost make you wish you were out of a job just so you could have them find one for you." - Mark Justice, author of Gauge Black: Hell's Revenge

"[A]n innovative writer of fun new pop lit--a pioneer in the fight to revive American literature" - American Pop Lit

"[I]nfinitely preferable to the eye-glazing 'literary fiction' shoveled out by the bigger publishers" - Daniel Green

"I can't wait to read the next one!" - Eddie Willson

"Wred Fright is one of the best pseudo-fiction (maybe even just fiction) writers that I’ve ever had the luck to stumble upon" - James McQuiston

"This book is a trip, well worth checking out." - Razorcake

"I found myself laughing out loud a number of times, and that's a rare occurrence" - Zine World

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wred Fright
• Release date: Mar 5, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463160053

Wred Fright

Wred Fright is the penname of one of the many Fred Wrights in the world. A longtime zinester, blogger, and pal of the small press, he lives near Cleveland, Ohio USA. He is the author of the novels Blog Love Omega Glee, Edna's Employment Agency, Fast Guy Slows Down, Frequently Asked Questions About Being Dead, and The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus. Please visit WredFright.Com for more information and for more of his writing.

Book preview

They say that the only thing worse than having a job is not having a job, but they're wrong.

There is something worse than not having a job.

It is being so desperate in looking for work that you show up at Edna's Employment Agency where her team of charlatans, ne'er-do-wells, and screwups probably won't find you a job, but they will find you some laughs as they loudly discuss their sex lives, fake drug tests, break into the office, burn down the office, dig donuts out of the trash, get punched in the face, make fun of resumes, drag coworkers into the restroom, hide under desks, get drunk, look for better jobs themselves, treat cancer as a bad excuse for missing work, plot their way through office politics using bagels, take smoke breaks during their smoke breaks, watch training videos from the 1980s, use copious amounts of profanity to prepare for meetings, engage in slapstick to express their status, war against the I.T. department, fume that people who don't even know how to spell make more money than they do, and, sometimes--just sometimes--, actually work.

And that's just the staff of the staffing firm.  Then there are the temps . . .

You'll meet them all in Edna's Employment Agency, the book you shouldn't bring to a job interview because you're dressed nicely, so you don't want to piss yourself laughing.

Unless, you know, it's that kind of job . . .

If you like television shows such as The Office and Parks And Recreation, then you likely will enjoy this novel of workplace humor.

Edna's Employment Agency is the fourth novel by Wred Fright.  The other three are The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus, Blog Love Omega Glee, and Frequently Asked Questions About Being Dead.  More info about the author and his books can be found at Wredfright.Com.

Praise for Fright and his works from fellow writers, literary critics, and scruffy publications:

 "Wred Fright does it again. His almost-all-dialogue treatise on employment agencies comes fast and furious, or maybe furiously fast. Either way, it sets into motion manic episodes of grand proportions, a whirlwind of oftentimes zany characters who Fright gives gravitas to by intermingling snippets of their lives that read like some stream-of-consciousness-infused Winesburg, Ohio, and a tale that stomps the fringes of absurdity like a cowpoke riding a mad bull.

The kooky cast of Edna’s Employment Agency will almost make you wish you were out of a job just so you could have them find one for you." - Mark Justice, author of Gauge Black: Hell's Revenge

[A]n innovative writer of fun new pop lit--a pioneer in the fight to revive American literature - American Pop Lit

[I]nfinitely preferable to the eye-glazing 'literary fiction' shoveled out by the bigger publishers - Daniel Green

I can't wait to read the next one! - Eddie Willson

Wred Fright is one of the best pseudo-fiction (maybe even just fiction) writers that I’ve ever had the luck to stumble upon - James McQuiston

This book is a trip, well worth checking out. - Razorcake

I found myself laughing out loud a number of times, and that's a rare occurrence - Zine World

EdnaAuthor

Thumbs up for business!

This novel is for mature readers, though those mature readers can be kind of immature in that they enjoy fart jokes and whatnot.

This is a work of fiction.

Copyright Fred Wright 2020

Published by Frighty LLC

Edna's Employment Agency

by

Wred Fright 

For anyone who ever had to jump through needless hoops in order to do something they never really wanted to do in the first place.

Table Of Contents

Chapter One:  Never Bring Flowers To A Job Interview

Chapter Two:  Vertical And Ventilating

Chapter Three:  Ken Garoo Jumps On That Job Offer

Chapter Four:  Best Of Luck In Your Future Endeavors!

Chapter Five:  The Only Thing Worse Than Having A Job Is Not Having A Job

Chapter Six:  He Showed Me His Birth Certificate, And, Yes, Danger Is His Middle Name

Chapter Seven:  Shit People Leave Behind

Chapter Eight:  I Just Brought You In For An Interview So I Could Check Out Your Ass

Chapter Nine:  What Kind Of Employee Are You?

Chapter Ten:  How Many Felons Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Chapter Eleven:  Career Homicide

Chapter Twelve:  My Resume Is So Awesome That You Should Skip The Interview And Just Hire Me

Chapter Thirteen:  It's Not The End Of The World, Just The End Of The Decade

Chapter Fourteen:  I Work To Live; I Don't Live To Work

Afterword

CHAPTER 1:  NEVER BRING FLOWERS TO A JOB INTERVIEW

Filing cabinets lined the walls of a shabby office.  In the middle were a few round tables, every seat filled with jobseekers, all of whom looked bored.  Off to the side, a small cubbyhole had a couple of computers in it, which were used for computer assessments.  At the front of the room were a couple of desks, each with a computer and a large pile of paperwork on it.  Sitting behind one of the desks was Sharon, a blonde-haired woman who seemed more dressed for a strip club than for an office.  She played with her cell phone.  An old man huffed and puffed and finally stood up and marched up to the desk.  Sharon ignored him and kept looking at Instagram or Snapchat or whatever dumb thing she liked to look at instead of working.

The man coughed.

Sharon continued to ignore him.

The man said, Excuse me.

Sharon sighed and put down the cell phone.  She looked at the man and pointed at her eyes.  My eyes are up here, she said.

The man stammered and said, Uh, yes . . . I was supposed to have an interview at 9 a.m., and I've been waiting here for an hour now . . .

Sharon stuck her hand up.  Wait, don't tell me.  You're tired of waiting.  You're a busy man, she said.

The man waiting for the interview said, Well . . .

Sharon said, You're unemployed.  You have nothing but time.  Look, our recruiters are very busy finding people like yourself jobs.  I'm sure they'll be with you any moment now.

The man said, Um, OK.

He went to sit back down but not before trying to get a better look at Sharon's cleavage.

On the other side of the wall from the jobseekers was an even shabbier office with a banner that said Regional Recruiters on the wall.  Various desks were grouped together, each desk with a computer monitor, but three workers--Army Guy, Jonathan, and May--were all gathered around one computer laughing and watching cat videos on YouTube.  Army Guy had a crew cut, wore a buttondown shirt with the elbows wearing out, and crouched like he was about to ambush someone.  Jonathan had thinning dark hair and a tie that glowed in the dark, but it wasn't dark, so everyone else just thought it was an odd color.  May was an Amazonian woman with long, dark hair and dressed in a style she liked to think of as cowgirl apocalypse.  May, crying from laughter and trying not to piss herself, said, Wait!  Did you ever see the one where the cat pees on the kid at the birthday party?

Army Guy said, I think so, is that the one where the uncle shits himself too?

May said, Uh, no, I don't think so.

Army Guy said, Oh, maybe I have never seen it.  Well, let's watch it then.

May said, I don't know.  Whew!  I can't laugh anymore.  This is hard work.  Anyone want to take a smoke break?

I still don't smoke, said Jonathan.

You've worked long enough here now to start, May said, What's wrong with you, Jonathan?

Army Guy looked out the window at the parking lot.  Wait!  She's here, he said.

Shit, I mean, Swiss! May said, I am trying not to swear, so I don't swear in front of Lana.  The last thing I need to hear from my husband is that I am teaching our three-year-old bad words.

She pouted, I really needed a smoke.  I suppose I better interview somebody though.  I can't believe everyone else called off and stuck me with that crowd.

May dug through a stack of applications on her desk.  She picked one up, Let's see, who's been waiting the longest?  Desmond!  No, no, Desmond was the name of my high school boyfriend who got me pregnant and wouldn't pay for the abortion.  Fuck Desmond, I mean, Fudge Desmond; I'll interview Brittany first.

How many chicks are named Britney? Jonathan said, And why are they all unemployed?

Have you ever met one? May said, slapping the application down on the table.

I've met some Brittnees before.  They were pretty nice, Army Guy said.

In bed, I'm sure.  Just for that, I'm interviewing Carl first instead, May said.

Hey!  I was just friends with one of them, Army Guy said.

What about the others? Jonathan asked.

Yeah, Army Guy said, I fucked all the others.

Jonathan and Army Guy went back to work at their desks.  Army Guy looked at his computer and slapped himself in the face.  No! Army Guy yelled.

What? May said.

This guy! Army Guy yelled, pointing at the computer screen.

What guy? May said, Jonathan?

What did I do now? Jonathan said.

No, not Jonathan.  This guy who I told not to come in.  He's coming in!

So what? May said.

"So what?  On the phone, he told me he was a CNC machinist, but when he emailed in his resume, it only had Burger King on it, and in the job description he wrote he 'banged hos in the bathroom with his flame-grilled sausage.'

Well, I'll give him points for honesty, May said.

I'm not giving him anything.  I'm tired of these retards lying to me on the phone- Army Guy said.

Jonathan interrupted, It's not nice to call someone a retard.

-Shut up, retard! Army Guy said, And then these retards come in and Edna yells at me for bringing in people we can't place.

Well, you never know, May said, if we get a job order for a ho banger, we're all set.

No, we're not.  After I got that resume, I called him back and left a message telling him that I was canceling the interview, but he's still showing up.

What's bad about that? Jonathan said, Half the temps we place in jobs don't show up the first day.  I like this guy already.

The door to the inner office opened, and Edna entered, moving quickly past everyone to reach her office in the back.  Edna was a middleaged woman who still fancied herself as athletic but got winded walking around the office.  She wore designer clothes, but they were designers who were generally unknown and stayed that way.

Everyone yelled out, Morning!

Shove it! Edna said, Someone find me some pillows.  My ass hurts.  Does anyone know why my girlfriend is suddenly into pegging?

Army Guy got up and left the room, I don't even know what that is.

That's what all men say, May said.

I don't.  I know what it is, and I'm happy to say that my ass has been pegfree since 2008, Jonathan said.

What happened in 2008? May asked.

Don't you have someone to interview? Jonathan said.

Yes! Edna yelled from her office, Why is that waiting room full of people?

They need jobs? Jonathan offered.

Well, then find them some and get them out of here.  That whole outer office smells like B.O.  What have you guys been doing?

Uh, working? May said.

Working, my ass!  Speaking of which, where are those pillows?

Army Guy entered the office carrying a pillow, This one was in my Jeep.

He handed it to Edna.  She took it and sniffed it, Which one of your twelve girlfriends did you have sex with on this one?

Army Guy took the pillow back and sniffed it, Uh, Lauren.  

He handed the pillow back.  Edna looked down at it and up at Army Guy, then shrugged and took it into her office.  She put the pillow down on her chair and sat down at her desk.  She bounced up and down on it for a moment then sighed and said, Is that the one with all the tattoos?

May said, No, that's Nicole.

Uh, actually that's Brittnany, Army Guy said.

I don't know how you keep them all straight, Edna said.

Jonathan looked up from his computer, Are you saying that being with Army Guy will turn a woman into a lesbian?

Edna said, No, I meant straight in that he remembers their names.  I don't know how you do it.  How do you ever not call one of them by the wrong name while you're doing it?

I keep quiet, Army Guy said.

They like the strong, silent type, Jonathan said.

Shut up, retard, Army Guy said.

You don't say anything? Edna said, That's creepy. 

The Neanderthal grunting says it all, Jonathan said.

Edna, I'm about to punch Jonathan in the face, Army Guy said.

Ooh, I'd pay to see that, May said.

Army Guy, please don't punch Jonathan in the face; we have a whole waiting room of folks to get through this morning, Edna said, I am still amazed that you haven't called one of them by the same name.  When I first started dating Peggy, I called her Monique all the time.

She didn't get mad? May asked.

I just kept pretending that I was drunk and slurring my words and saying things like 'You're Mo sexy, baby.  You're unique.'

'Baby.'  That's how I do it, Army Guy said.

What? Edna said, putting on her reading glasses to read email.

'Baby.'  I call them all baby.  That way I never mix up the names.

You are an all-star player, Jonathan said.

I don't know how you do it,  Edna said, My girlfriend is enough to deal with.  I don't think I'm going to poop for a week.

Filter! May shouted, We did not need to know that!

Fine! Edna said, snapping her fingers, Well, I need to know where we are with the welder at ABC Welding.

We're running out of letters in the alphabet, Jonathan said, The guy Samantha sent over yesterday already quit.

"What for?' Edna asked.

You'll have to ask Samantha to find out for sure, but she phoned earlier to say that she won't be in today.   She has chemo or something.  In any case, I think I know.  The boss over there is insane.  That's why he plows through welders, Jonathan said.

Well, we have to find someone!  I need that money coming in.  I might have to see a proctologist, Edna groaned, Just because her name's Peggy doesn't mean we have to peg.

Sharon pushed the door open and walked into the inner office.  She stomped to Edna's office, I need my sign back.

No!  Hell no!  Corporate almost crapped themselves when they saw that, Edna said.

Sharon snorted and turned around to face the the rest of the office, Will you please start interviewing some of those people?  The guys keep staring at my tits.

Jonathan stared at Sharon's tits and said, I don't know why.

May looked Sharon up and down, I do.  You need to cover those puppies up.  They're barking out of your blouse and about to bite someone.

It was the only clean thing in the house, all right? Sharon said.

Why don't you do laundry? Army Guy asked.

I don't have time.  I have a seven-year-old and a drinking problem.  But anyhow, who cares?  I don't know why I can't dress how I want.  That's why I need my sign back, Sharon said.

The 'Stop staring at my tits, mister, or I'll cut your dick off' one? Army Guy asked.

Yeah! Sharon said.

No! Edna yelled.

Edna dug in a bag beside her desk and pulled out a red shawl, Here, put on a shawl.

Sharon looked at what was in Edna's hand as if Edna had pooped in her hand and was handing the poop to Sharon to throw away, I don't want to wear a shawl.

Well, I don't want to see your tits, Edna said, So that makes us even, and since I'm the boss, I win.  Put on the shawl.

Fine! Sharon said, grabbed the shawl, stomped out of the office, and slammed the door.

She needs to get laid, May said, after wincing from the doorslam.

I'd volunteer, but I just got over syphilis.  I don't want it again, Jonathan said.

She doesn't have that anymore.  She has that other one, May said.

She does? Army Guy said.

Why do you want to know? Jonathan and May said.

No reason, Army Guy said and started staring intently at his computer screen.

Sharon stomped back in.

Now what? Edna said, dropping her reading glasses down her nose.

She's here!

No! Edna said, Don't we have a restraining order?

No! Jonathan said and started banging his head on his keyboard.

Your girlfriend! May said, cackling.

She's not my girlfriend!  I just had the misfortune of interviewing her because no one else would, Jonathan said.

She's your girlfriend.  That's why she comes in every day.  To see you! May pointed at him.

No, she comes in every day because she's eighty years old and has nothing better to do. Jonathan said.

Army Guy looked up from his computer screen and said, The woman wants to work.  Do your job and help her find a job.

Yeah, Jonathan, do your job, Sharon said, Are you coming?  Hurry up!  I'm not going back out there alone while she's there.  She already asked me if I was pregnant all because I'm wearing this stupid shawl

Are you pregnant? May asked.

No!" Sharon said.

Well, I think you look cute with the shawl, May said.

Thanks, Sharon said, taking it off, You can wear it and be cute also.

Edna snapped her fingers, Ut, ut.

Fine! Sharon said and threw the shawl back around herself.

That's better, Edna said, You know Peggy worked long and hard to knit that.

No, she didn't.  I have the same one.  I bought it at Rose's on clearance, May said.

She didn't knit it?  That's what she told me.

Well, she's lying, unless she lived in Pakistan then and worked in the shawl factory, May said.

What else could she be lying to me about? Edna asked, looking dismayed.

Maybe she's a man, May said.

She's not a man! Edna said.

That would explain why she likes pegging so much, May said.

Oh my God!  I could be pregnant! Edna exclaimed.

You can't get pregnant from your asshole, Jonathan said.

Then he looked at Army Guy and said, But you can get pregnant from an asshole.

Shut up, dick! Army Guy said.

That you can get pregnant from, for sure, Jonathan said.

But she missed a couple times!  Somebody get me a pregnancy test! Edna screamed.

You have nine months.  Right now, I have to get back in that lobby, and I'm not going alone, Sharon said and turned to Jonathan, Are you coming?

Jonathan stood up, Might as well get it over with . . .

In the outer office, the job seekers were all standing, except for one drunk passed out in the far corner.  They were chanting, What do we want!  Jobs!  When do we want them?  Now!

Wait! One young man wearing a t-shirt with a poop emoji on it said, I don't want to work really.  I'm just here because my unemployment compensation makes me apply for at least three jobs a week and going to crappy employment agencies like this counts towards that.  I really just want money.  Maybe we should be chanting that?

An elderly woman leading the chants by waving her cane like the baton of an orchestra conductor hit the young man with it, Shut up, whippersnapper!  Let's chant!

The group went back to chanting about jobs except for the young man who chanted about money.

What do we want? the elderly woman yelled.

Jobs! the crowd responded.

Sharon and Jonathan entered the room, and Jonathan whispered to Sharon, Actually, they just want money.  Most of them are too lazy to actually want to work.  I should know.  I was one of them until Edna hired me in.

The young man in the poop emoji t-shirt heard him and said, That's what I said.

When do we want it? the elderly woman yelled.

Now! the crowd yelled.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say in six months when the unemployment money runs out, Jonathan said to Sharon.

The young man said, Two for me, I'm almost done unless they extend it.  Let's hope for a recession, eh?

I like this kid, Jonathan said.

The elderly woman spotted Jonathan and pointed her cane at him, You!  Did you find me a job yet?

I'm working on it, Sue, Jonathan said.

That's what you tell me every day.  They should just give me your job because clearly you aren't working that hard if I'm still unemployed.

She does have a point, Sharon said.

Hey!  I work very hard! Jonathan said.

Sue whacked Jonathan in the crotch with her cane, Put your boner back in your pants, boy!  I know I'm a milf, but I don't want to hear about it.  Just find me a job!  I can do anything!  I have tons of experience!

Jonathan slowly crumbled to the ground holding his crotch.  Sue stormed out of the office.  Milf?  She'd be lucky to be a gilf, Sharon said, looking after her.

The crowd sat down and began playing with their cell phones again.  May came out and called out, I'm looking for Carl Alameda.  Carl?

The drunk in the corner woke up, raised his hand, and stood shakily up.  Oh, boy, May said and guided him to the back of the inner office for an interview.

Jonathan stood up, wincing in pain, and shuffled back to the inner office.  May was in the corner interview room interviewing the drunk, Edna was rubbing her ass in her office, and Army Guy was on the telephone scheduling an interview.  Jonathan limped in, hunched over.  Edna looked up, Did you find me a welder yet?

I need to find an icepack first, Jonathan said, gripping his desk to sit down in his chair.

That's a good idea! Edna said, "Can you find me one also?'

Jonathan looked at her, shook his head in wonder, stood back up slowly, and limped into the breakroom. 

Can you also bring me one of those cupcakes in there? Edna yelled.

Jonathan didn't reply.

Edna shrugged and said, Army Guy!

Army Guy hung up the phone and said, I have a name, you know?

Yeah, but I can never remember it, so I just call you 'Army Guy', Edna said.

Nice, Army Guy said.

At least it's not 'Baby'.  You know I'm talking to you.

Jonathan limped out of the breakroom with two icepacks and a cupcake.  He handed the cupcake and one of the icepacks to Edna.

Edna took the icepack and sat on it.  The cupcake she started to nibble on.  She sighed in relief, then asked, Where are you going to stick your icepack?

Jonathan turned and pointed at his crotch.

Did you have sex with Sharon in the utility closet again?  Well, this time, I hope you didn't break any lightbulbs.  The next ones are coming out of your paycheck, Edna said.

No! Jonathan said, My crazy temp caned me in the nuts.

Well, good for her!  I've been wanting to do that to some man for years, Edna said.

Are you all right? Army Guy asked Jonathan.

I'd be better if you took Sue off my hands.  Why don't you try to get her a job?  In fact, to make sure we don't get in this sort of jam again, let's not schedule any more interviews with senior citizens.

That would be ageism, Jonathan.  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, or E.E.O.C. as we like to call them for short, would not like that, and, therefore, neither would Corporate, Edna said.

Then let Corporate get hit in the nuts then, Jonathan said.

Sharon entered.  She looked at Jonathan holding his icepack on his crotch and said, You know, I don't have syphilis.

That's great news, Edna said, You realize that your desk is out there and not in here, right?

I can't take it out there anymore.  Not today with everyone else called off.  Now there's a guy out there with flowers.  At first, I thought he was a delivery guy, but he said he has an interview with May.

He brought flowers to a job interview, Army Guy said, What's his name?

Milton, Sharon said.

"Oh, no!  I told that moron not to