Blog Love Omega Glee

By Wred Fright

Two bloggers fall in love while the world falls apart in Blog Love Omega Glee, a comedic story set in 2012, with each chapter taking place on a different day counting down to the end of the Mayan calendar on 21 December 2012, when the world either ends or continues on much the same as before. The two central characters are Jake Falls, a twenty-five-year-old unemployed man living with his parents who spends most of his time blogging about pro wrestling, and Francine Apple, a twenty-nine-year-old barely employed woman who has dropped out of the American Dream to blog about various conspiracy theories. Other characters abound as well, including Jake's cats, family, and friends, and Francine's coworkers, housemates, and neighbors. The story is set in Cleaveland, a decaying industrial city in the northern part of the USA, and its suburbs on the shores of Lake Eerie. It's year 12 of a fascist regime, and a severed head named Dick with a soft drink vending machine for a body is president/dictator, but no one much notices because they're too busy watching television and obsessing over their personal lives to worry about wars overseas, the government swindling taxpayers, and the rich stuffing their already-stuffed pockets further with rapidly-depreciating currency. Some people find this worrisome, but most people just change the channel. Regardless, even though in many ways for the average person life is still better than ever before in the history of human existence since Eden, most people feel a vague sense of unease, as if the delicate stitching of society is about to come undone at any moment, pouring forth a centuries long buildup of too many human beings, anarchy in the streets, environmental collapse, and lots and lots of really bad coffee. Between existential dread, economic worries, presidential electioneering, electronic domineering, and large sweaty men in tights touching one another as entertainment, there's Blog Love Omega Glee!

Blog Love Omega Glee was originally published on Wred Fright's Blog as a blognovel or a blovel! Unlike, most blognovels and blovels, this one actually was finished, instead of being abandoned. Since the story has four parts, depending on how you look at it, it's either one really long novel, or a series of four novels. After being serialized on the blog, the novel is now collected as an ebook. One fun way to read it is a chapter a day during the course of a year or go for reading all 230,000 words or so in one lump!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wred Fright
• Release date: May 16, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301927999

Wred Fright

Wred Fright is the penname of one of the many Fred Wrights in the world. A longtime zinester, blogger, and pal of the small press, he lives near Cleveland, Ohio USA. He is the author of the novels Blog Love Omega Glee, Edna's Employment Agency, Fast Guy Slows Down, Frequently Asked Questions About Being Dead, and The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus. Please visit WredFright.Com for more information and for more of his writing.

Book preview

BLOG LOVE OMEGA GLEE

by Wred Fright

Blog Love Omega Glee

by Wred Fright

copyright 2011 by Fred Wright

Smashwords Edition

Overview 

Two bloggers fall in love while the world falls apart in Blog Love Omega Glee, a comedic story set in 2012, with each chapter taking place on a different day counting down to the end of the Mayan calendar on 21 December 2012, when the world either ends or continues on much the same as before. The two central characters are Jake Falls, a twenty-five-year-old unemployed man living with his parents who spends most of his time blogging about pro wrestling, and Francine Apple, a twenty-nine-year-old barely employed woman who has dropped out of the American Dream to blog about various conspiracy theories. Other characters abound as well, including Jake's cats, family, and friends, and Francine's coworkers, housemates, and neighbors. The story is set in Cleaveland, a decaying industrial city in the northern part of the USA, and its suburbs on the shores of Lake Eerie. It's year 12 of a fascist regime, and a severed head named Dick with a soft drink vending machine for a body is president/dictator, but no one much notices because they're too busy watching television and obsessing over their personal lives to worry about wars overseas, the government swindling taxpayers, and the rich stuffing their already-stuffed pockets further with rapidly-depreciating currency. Some people find this worrisome, but most people just change the channel. Regardless, even though in many ways for the average person life is still better than ever before in the history of human existence since Eden, most people feel a vague sense of unease, as if the delicate stitching of society is about to come undone at any moment, pouring forth a centuries long buildup of too many human beings, anarchy in the streets, environmental collapse, and lots and lots of really bad coffee. Between existential dread, economic worries, presidential electioneering, electronic domineering, and large sweaty men in tights touching one another as entertainment, there's Blog Love Omega Glee!

Blog Love Omega Glee is the second novel by Wred Fright, author of The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus, and was originally serialized as a blognovel on Wredfright.Com.  Excerpts also appeared in Go Metric, Outsider Writers, and on Textnovel.Com, where it was an Editor's Pick.  During its serialization from 2008-2010, the novel was noted by American Pop Lit (who called Fright an innovative writer of fun new pop lit--a pioneer in the fight to revive American literature), Attacking The Demi-Puppets, Cleveland Scene, Cool Cleveland (who wrote, and (perhaps best of all) it's set in 2012 in a city called 'Cleaveland' (not to be confused, wink-wink, with our city with the slightly different spelling)), The Rumpus by author Mickey Hess (who blurbed Goons and patriots, get ready! Wred Fright’s new novel scowls at your perfect sentences. There are gorgeous techniques and colorful dialogue, the book’s action, mood, the author himself. There are things this novelist should be allowed to do that the rest of us are not.), Try This At Home by novelist Eddie Willson (who wrote, After experimenting with multiple narrators in his novel The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus, Wred Fright continues to develop his fiction in inventive ways. Here he’s posting a new novel in blog form. Set in the near future the regularly updated narrative charts the lives of wrestling-fixated loser Jake and militant waitress Francine. I’ve got some catching up to do but this is addictive stuff. Here and elsewhere Wred’s big strength is in characterization-–he’s got a real gift for getting you rooting for characters whose lives have got a bit bent out of shape. This tale’s going to be taking up my lunch breaks for the foreseeable future. Highly recommended.), The Whirliblog (who wrote that It's tastier than Cap'n Crunk!), Xerography Debt, and Zine World.

Wred Fright is the penname of one of the many Fred Wrights in the world.  A longtime zinester, blogger, and pal of the small press, he lives near Cleveland, Ohio USA.  Please visit WredFright.Com for more information and for more of his writing.

 For Antigone

Table Of Contents

Blog!

Chapter 1: New Year, Old Fear (1 January 2012)

Chapter 2: I Breathe, Therefore I Blog (2 January 2012)

Chapter 3: The Cannibal Cookbook (3 January 2012)

Chapter 4: Jake's Dream (4 January 2012)

Chapter 5: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Grocery Cards (5 January 2012)

Chapter 6: Believe In Cleaveland (6 January 2012)

Chapter 7: Woo-Hoo! You've Fulfilled Your Biological Imperative! (7 January 2012)

Chapter 8: The Coyote And His Comics (8 January 2012)

Chapter 9: Rob Poorpeople For President! (9 January 2012)

Chapter 10: Trees Don't Vote (10 January 2012)

Chapter 11: Boxcutter Blues (11 January 2012)

Chapter 12: If You Keep Heading South Long Enough, Then Eventually You're Going North (12 January 2012)

Chapter 13: Twitchy On The Thirteenth (13 January 2012)

Chapter 14: Your Week Is A Weekend (14 January 2012)

Chapter 15: A Coffeehouse Conversation About The President's Dentist (15 January 2012)

Chapter 16: Clean At Last, Thank God Almighty, We Are Clean At Last (16 January 2012)

Chapter 17: Dinner With The Folks (17 January 2012)

Chapter 18: The Fudgepackers Vs. The Homophobes (18 January 2012)

Chapter 19: A Comic Book Reading Party (19 January 2012)

Chapter 20: Lou's A Morning Person (20 January 2012)

Chapter 21: Just A Minor Deity (21 January 2012)

Chapter 22: High Noon At Midnight! (22 January 2012)

Chapter 23: And Don't Play In Traffic Either! (23 January 2012)

Chapter 24: The State Of The Union (24 January 2012)

Chapter 25: Zine Rhymes With Keen (25 January 2012)

Chapter 26: The Litterbox Blues (26 January 2012)

Chapter 27: Eve In The Evening (27 January 2012)

Chapter 28: Human Factories (28 January 2012)

Chapter 29: The Church Of Superheroes (29 January 2012)

Chapter 30: Homeland Security Hair Alert Color Chart Advisory System (30 January 2012)

Chapter 31: Just My Two Cents (Unless Your Greedy CEO Wants Them Too) (31 January 2012)

Chapter 32: National Freedom Day (1 February 2012)

Chapter 33: Groundhog Filet (2 February 2012)

Chapter 34: With WCYA-AM On The Dial, You'll Soon Be Wearing A Smile (3 February 2012)

Chapter 35: Tony The Perv (4 February 2012)

Chapter 36: Radio Free Eschatology (5 February 2012)

Chapter 37: While The Rest Of The World Sleeps (6 February 2012)

Chapter 38: Convention On The Prohibition Of Military Or Any Other Hostile Use Of Environmental Modification Techniques (7 February 2012)

Chapter 39: Everybody Complains About The Weather, But Nobody Does Anything About It (8 February 2012)

Chapter 40: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Alien Vampire Fascists (9 February 2012)

Chapter 41: Why Can't The World Be Polite? (10 February 2012)

Chapter 42: The Panty Sniffer Vs. The Amazing Announcer (11 February 2012)

Chapter 43: Of Rulers And Rulers (12 February 2012)

Chapter 44: A License To Fuck (13 February 2012)

Chapter 45: Last Year's Valentine (14 February 2012)

Chapter 46: No Personality Required! (15 February 2012)

Chapter 47: The Ghost Of Checkers Nixon (16 February 2012)

Chapter 48: The President Vs. Poorpeople (17 February 2012)

Chapter 49: The Friend You Forgot (18 February 2012)

Chapter 50: Quickening And Sickening (19 February 2012)

Chapter 51: Peasants Day (20 February 2012)

Chapter 52: Paczki Paczki (21 February 2012)

Chapter 53: Wednesday Before It Turns To Ashes (22 February 2012)

Chapter 54: Blatant Product Placement (23 February 2012)

Chapter 55: Welcome Humans to Superautomatmarket! (24 February 2012)

Chapter 56: The Bodyslam Poet (25 February 2012)

Chapter 57: Pit Bull Continental Breakfast (26 February 2012)

Chapter 58: Melancholy Night, Mystery Novel (27 February 2012)

Chapter 59: Chris And Chris (28 February 2012)

Chapter 60: When In Doubt, Leap! (29 February 2012)

Chapter 61: What I Watched On Television Last Night And Other Important News I Must Report On My Blog (1 March 2012)

Chapter 62: Living La Vida Post Office (2 March 2012)

Chapter 63: Recommended Daily Allowance Of Fighting Words (3 March 2012)

Chapter 64: Where Does Time Go? (4 March 2012)

Chapter 65: The Senator And The Stripper (5 March 2012)

Chapter 66: Fiction Feeding Frenzy Fuels Fact Fixative (6 March 2012)

Chapter 67: So Goes The Nation (7 March 2012)

Chapter 68: How Much Fort Can You Afford? (8 March 2012)

Chapter 69: Talk About, Prop Music! (9 March 2012)

Chapter 70: Solicitors Blues (10 March 2012)

Chapter 71: The Hour That Never Was (11 March 2012)

Chapter 72: Why Do People Drive Automobiles So Badly? (12 March 2012)

Chapter 73: Who Moved My Paranoia? (13 March 2012)

Chapter 74: How We Will All Become Millionaires Someday (14 March 2012)

Chapter 75: The Last Socially Acceptable Form Of Bigotry? (15 March 2012)

Chapter 76: Rest In Peace Ed The Bedwetter Driphoski (16 March 2012)

Chapter 77: Manuel In The Morning (17 March 2012)

Chapter 78: Excuse Me, Could I Get A Refund? This Politician Is Defective (18 March 2012)

Chapter 79: Never Trust A . . . Fill In The Blank (19 March 2012)

Chapter 80: Spring Brings Singing Things (20 March 2012)

Chapter 81: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Automation, The Elderly, And Smokeless Tobacco (21 March 2012)

Chapter 82: George Orwell's Mustache (22 March 2012)

Chapter 83: I'm Feeling Near Mint Today (23 March 2012)

Chapter 84: Don't Submit, Organize! (24 March 2012)

Chapter 85: Yodel For Yahweh Before It's Too Late! (25 March 2012)

Chapter 86: The Hissing Woman (26 March 2012)

Chapter 87: Napoleon Invades The Grocery Store (27 March 2012)

Chapter 88: Reminded Again That It's Expensive Being Poor (28 March 2012)

Chapter 89: Blogging Maintains Mental Health Like Brushing Maintains Dental Health (29 March 2012)

Chapter 90: Your Services Are No Longer Required, So Please Die Quietly And In An Orderly Fashion (30 March 2012)

Chapter 91: Winifred Wings In (31 March 2012)

Love!

Chapter 92: Asteroid Strikes Earth! Ends Civilization! More News After This Commercial! (1 April 2012)

Chapter 93: Big Brother Wishes You A Happy Birthday! Now Please Register For Selective Service! (2 April 2012)

Chapter 94: I Like To Fly My Airplane Around Town (3 April 2012)

Chapter 95: Since The Public Isn't Educated, Why Not Abolish Public Education? (4 April 2012)

Chapter 96: You Don't Want Your Bladder To Explode (5 April 2012)

Chapter 97: Would You, Like, I Mean, Maybe, Consider, Just Think About It, Trading Links With Me? (6 April 2012)

Chapter 98: Please Be Polite, The Coyote Is Listening (7 April 2012)

Chapter 99: An Easter Smile (8 April 2012)

Chapter 100: How Dunkin Charles Funds His Crack Habit (9 April 2012)

Chapter 101: A Coffeehouse Conversation About The Difficulty Of Continuing A Conspiracy Across The Generations (10 April 2012)

Chapter 102: This Download Stinks! (11 April 2012)

Chapter 103: Herbert Hoopsnake Has All The Answers So You Don't Need To Worry About Thinking (12 April 2012)

Chapter 104: Date Or Dad? (13 April 2012)

Chapter 105: The Angry Housewife Finds A New Use For The Blender (14 April 2012)

Chapter 106: Be Hip! Get A Chip! (15 April 2012)

Chapter 107: A Visit To The Dentist (16 April 2012)

Chapter 108: Taxes Are Taxing (17 April 2012)

Chapter 109: My Struggle By Chess The Presidential Dog (18 April 2012)

Chapter 110: Why Don't You Stop Watching Wrestling And Grow Up? (19 April 2012)

Chapter 111: V2K12 (20 April 2012)

Chapter 112: Coffee, Tea, Or EMD? (21 April 2012)

Chapter 113: If We Save The Earth, Do We Have To Save All The Idiots On It Too Or Can We Just Let Them Die? (22 April 2012)

Chapter 114: Reading Is Fun From Left To Right (23 April 2012)

Chapter 115: Making Makeup (24 April 2012)

Chapter 116: Stocking Up On Books For The Apocalypse (25 April 2012)

Chapter 117: The Best Time To Commit A Crime (26 April 2012)

Chapter 118: That Tree Could Use Some Eyeshadow (27 April 2012)

Chapter 119: Nationalism In The Scrap Yard (28 April 2012)

Chapter 120: Blog Update Guilt (29 April 2012)

Chapter 121: A Drink In A Dive And A Dive In A Drink (30 April 2012)

Chapter 122: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Whether Or Not The Apocalypse Is Covered Under Homeowners Insurance (1 May 2012)

Chapter 123: The Ghost In The Vending Machine (2 May 2012)

Chapter 124: The League Of Intelligent Wrestling Fans (3 May 2012)

Chapter 125: Francine Feels Funky (4 May 2012)

Chapter 126: Meet The Nutjob (5 May 2012)

Chapter 127: To Blog Or Not To Blog? (6 May 2012)

Chapter 128: The Cats Say Hello (7 May 2012)

Chapter 129: Francine Asks Herself (8 May 2012)

Chapter 130: Lies, Spies, Eyes, Cries, Whys, Pies, Thighs, And Guys (9 May 2012)

Chapter 131: Love On A Thursday Afternoon (10 May 2012)

Chapter 132: Kitty O'Couscous Throws Her Hat (Along With All Her Other Articles Of Clothing) In The Ring (11 May 2012)

Chapter 133: North Goes South (12 May 2012)

Chapter 134: Zany In Zanesville (13 May 2012)

Chapter 135: The Coyote Vs. The Litterbug! (14 May 2012)

Chapter 136: The Pettifoggers Get Damages Awarded (15 May 2012)

Chapter 137: Television Reality Meets Reality Television (16 May 2012)

Chapter 138: A Trip To The Grocery Store, Or The Savagery Of Shopping (17 May 2012)

Chapter 139: A Read Of The Daily Newspaper, Or Rhapsodizing For The Rich (18 May 2012)

Chapter 140: The Top Of The Bottom And The Bottom Of The Top (19 May 2012)

Chapter 141: Masani By The Light Of The Refrigerator (20 May 2012)

Chapter 142: Jacob Contended With The Angel And Triumphed And Then They Formed A Tag Team (21 May 2012)

Chapter 143: Stolen Fuse Blues (22 May 2012)

Chapter 144: Standard Bribery Rates (23 May 2012)

Chapter 145: Undercover In The Underground (24 May 2012)

Chapter 146: Why America Loves Gangsters (25 May 2012)

Chapter 147: The Onus Of The Anus (26 May 2012)

Chapter 148: Some Fear Failure; Some Fear Success (27 May 2012)

Chapter 149: I Hope I Don't Remember This Memorial Day (28 May 2012)

Chapter 150: How Can A Politician Without A Sense Of Humor Be So Funny? (29 May 2012)

Chapter 151: Cain Vs. Abel, The Rematch You've Been Waiting For (30 May 2012)

Chapter 152: Do Office Supplies Make You Tingle? (31 May 2012)

Chapter 153: Got 'Em Out By Friday (1 June 2012)

Chapter 154: Reading, Riting, And Rassling (2 June 2012)

Chapter 155: Motion Sickness At The Moving Pictures (3 June 2012)

Chapter 156: Lake Jake (4 June 2012)

Chapter 157: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Ley Lines And Rock And Roll (5 June 2012)

Chapter 158: The Justice Junto Of Ohio (6 June 2012)

Chapter 159: Speller B Loses His C-O-O-L (7 June 2012)

Chapter 160: And Will The Real Vice-President Please Stand Up? (8 June 2012)

Chapter 161: Goodbye, Teeth! Hello, Wisdom! (9 June 2012)

Chapter 162: After All This Yogurt, I'd Kill For A Bilderberger (10 June 2012)

Chapter 163: Shakesberry Morning Goodness! (11 June 2012)

Chapter 164: A Book Of Stamps And A Conspiracy Theory (12 June 2012)

Chapter 165: I Really Thought The World Would Have Ended By Now (13 June 2012)

Chapter 166: An Artificial Intelligence Is Better Than None At All (14 June 2012)

Chapter 167: The Key To Your Heart Doesn't Work In This Deadbolt (15 June 2012)

Chapter 168: A Good Day For Blooming (16 June 2012)

Chapter 169: A Date With Dad (17 June 2012)

Chapter 170: The Mystery Of The Pamphlets (18 June 2012)

Chapter 171: Jolly Juneteenth (19 June 2012)

Chapter 172: The Solstice Of The Pamphleteer (20 June 2012)

Chapter 173: The Optimist And The Pessimist Argue Over How Much Water Is Left In The Glass (21 June 2012)

Chapter 174: Capitalization And The Class System (22 June 2012)

Chapter 175: Caution: Heel Turn Ahead (23 June 2012)

Chapter 176: We Are All Tenants In The World (24 June 2012)

Chapter 177: Hamlet In A Steel Cage Match (25 June 2012)

Chapter 178: Miss Mess's Version Of Teatime (26 Jun 2012)

Chapter 179: The President's Produce Stand (27 June 2012)

Chapter 180: Transhumanism Euphemism (28 June 2012)

Chapter 181: And His Opponent, From Mount Olympus . . . (29 June 2012)

Chapter 182: Print On Demand Lover (30 June 2012)

Omega!

Chapter 183: What's Our Omega Point, Baby? (1 July 2012)

Chapter 184: The Anti-Semitic Service Station (2 July 2012)

Chapter 185: He May Be A Bastard, But He's R. Bastard (3 July 2012)

Chapter 186: The Forthright Of July (4 July 2012)

Chapter 187: You Gonna Like Uganda! (5 July 2012)

Chapter 188: Voter Fraud Tattoo (6 July 2012)

Chapter 189: Who Stole The Championship Belt? (7 July 2012)

Chapter 190: Pick A Culprit, Any Culprit (8 July 2012)

Chapter 191: The Coyote Solution (9 July 2012)

Chapter 192: The Marching Hare (10 July 2012)

Chapter 193: World Population Day (11 July 2012)

Chapter 194: The Right To Lob Molotovs (12 July 2012)

Chapter 195: The Computer Science Of Wrestling (13 July 2012)

Chapter 196: Our Dude Of Passing Out Before We Run Out Of Beer (14 July 2012)

Chapter 197: Firework Follies (15 July 2012)

Chapter 198: Smokescreens Of The Illuminati, Stinkysmells Of The Kitties (16 July 2012)

Chapter 199: Your Resume Gave Me A Chuckle (17 July 2012)

Chapter 200: How To Read A News Magazine (18 July 2012)

Chapter 201: A Greengrocer Turns Blue (19 July 2012)

Chapter 202: Ramadan Rush (20 July 2012)

Chapter 203: You'll Have To Scream Louder; I Can't Hear You Without My Hearing Aid (21 July 2012)

Chapter 204: I'm Feeling A Little Less Immortal Today (22 July 2012)

Chapter 205: From A Lifelong Scumbag To An Overnight Saint (23 July 2012)

Chapter 206: Sovereign Immunity Means The Government Never Has To Say Sorry (24 July 2012)

Chapter 207: God's God (25 July 2012)

Chapter 208: Shredding The Wedding (26 July 2012)

Chapter 209: Parking Lot Pandemonium (27 July 2012)

Chapter 210: R. Bastard Finds the Belt (28 July 2012)

Chapter 211: If You Really Want To Help The Environment, Here's What I Recommend (29 July 2012)

Chapter 212: What You Call Being Paranoid, I Call Being Well-Informed (30 July 2012)

Chapter 213: Getting Paid To Read War And Peace (31 July 2012)

Chapter 214: How's The Shrimp-Fried Rice? (1 August 2012)

Chapter 215: The Coffeehouse Mumbler (2 August 2012)

Chapter 216: Snipers Stop Speeders (3 August 2012)

Chapter 217: The Tickler Will Make You Submit (4 August 2012)

Chapter 218: Shrinking, Surviving (5 August 2012)

Chapter 219: I'm Not A Failure; I'm Just A Success Waiting To Happen (6 August 2012)

Chapter 220: Garage Sale Intellectual (7 August 2012)

Chapter 221: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Whether Or Not God Believes In Us (8 August 2012)

Chapter 222: Lovers' Quarrel: Two Out Of Three Falls (9 August 2012)

Chapter 223: And They All Died Miserably Right Then (10 August 2012)

Chapter 224: Who Picks Up The Garbage After The Revolution? (11 August 2012)

Chapter 225: Mom Starts Writing A New Bible (12 August 2012)

Chapter 226: The Dangers Of Falling Asleep On The Couch (13 August 2012)

Chapter 227: Offline, Powerless, And Queasy (14 August 2012)

Chapter 228: Congressional Representative Waffles On Voter Implants After Pancake Battering (15 August 2012)

Chapter 229: A Screed In A Screed (16 August 2012)

Chapter 230: The Anti-Tipping Squad (17 August 2012)

Chapter 231: Baby Wants His Dinky (18 August 2012)

Chapter 232: The Devil Likes To Summer In Ohio (19 August 2012)

Chapter 233: The Shepherd Of The Drunk (20 August 2012)

Chapter 234: Bloggers, Politicians, And Reptiles (21 August 2012)

Chapter 235: Never Marry A Poet (22 August 2012)

Chapter 236: I Hate It When It Rains Indoors (23 August 2012)

Chapter 237: This Book Will Change Your Lunch! (24 August 2012)

Chapter 238: Dysfunction Needs F.U.N.! (25 August 2012)

Chapter 239: A Coffeehouse Conversation About The Global Warming Conspiracy To Sell More Air Conditioners (26 August 2012)

Chapter 240: Evil Journalista Reports Live From The Convention Floor (27 August 2012)

Chapter 241: The History Of Civilization Ends On A Golf Course (28 August 2012)

Chapter 242: We Love Teas! We Hate Taxes! (29 August 2012)

Chapter 243: Buying Magazines With Half-Naked Men On The Covers (30 August 2012)

Chapter 244: Would You Describe Your Mania As An Arrangement Attack Or More Of An Organizational Obsession? (31 August 2012)

Chapter 245: Please, Talk For Another Hour About The Lizard People (1 September 2012)

Chapter 246: My Lovelife Is A Conspiracy (2 September 2012)

Chapter 247: Why Do They Call It Labor Day When Everyone Has The Day Off? (3 September 2012)

Chapter 248: Wrestling With Antiquity (4 September 2012)

Chapter 249: Lovers Like To Lie (5 September 2012)

Chapter 250: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Why Fictional Detectives Don't Ever Need To Take A Shit (6 September 2012)

Chapter 251: I Find Libraries Depressing (7 September 2012)

Chapter 252: God, I'm Calling You Out! (8 September 2012)

Chapter 253: The Coyote Howls Again! (9 September 2012)

Chapter 254: Typing In Tongues (10 September 2012)

Chapter 255: Who Remembers The Maine? (11 September 2012)

Chapter 256: A Loser Leaves The Tip Match (12 September 2012)

Chapter 257: Who Would Steal A 1987 Buick LeSabre? (13 September 2012)

Chapter 258: Monarchy Is Mockery But A Royal Massage Is Really Marvelous (14 September 2012)

Chapter 259: The Secret Origin Of The Cleaveland Coyote (15 September 2012)

Chapter 260: Ringo Lingo Bingo (16 September 2012)

Chapter 261: I'm Going To Open You Up Like A Can Of Beans (17 September 2012)

Chapter 262: Hank Plays A Prank (18 September 2012)

Chapter 263: Talk Like A Pirate, Write Like A Poet (19 September 2012)

Chapter 264: Grudgefucking: The Musical (20 September 2012)

Chapter 265: When You Hear The Words National Security, Hide Your Money (21 September 2012)

Chapter 266: This Championship Is Under Construction (22 September 2012)

Chapter 267: Corporate Creeps From The Last Decade (23 September 2012)

Chapter 268: Bogged Down And Blogged Up (24 September 2012)

Chapter 269: America: New And Improved And Now With More Moral Fiber (25 September 2012)

Chapter 270: The People Who Delight In Saying That Wrestling's Fake Always Think That Politics Are Real (26 September 2012)

Chapter 271: The Business Cycle Of Emotional Capitalism (27 September 2012)

Chapter 272: Why Are People Scared Of Falling In The Bathtub But Not Of Falling In Love? (28 September 2012)

Chapter 273: There Is Something About Print (29 September 2012)

Chapter 274: If You Haven't Been Offended Yet, Then Please Keep Reading And You Will Be (30 September 2012)

Glee!

Chapter 275: Love Is Like A Wrestling Match (1 October 2012)

Chapter 276: I Love The People Who Made My DVD Player (2 October 2012)

Chapter 277: The Arithmetic Of Vengeance (3 October 2012)

Chapter 278: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Chinese Restaurant Sleeper Cells (4 October 2012)

Chapter 279: Love Letters To The Editor (5 October 2012)

Chapter 280: Wrestling The World (6 October 2012)

Chapter 281: Last Howl Of The Coyote (7 October 2012)

Chapter 282: Columbus Never Gave Up But Maybe You Should (8 October 2012)

Chapter 283: Happy Leif Erikson Day! (9 October 2012)

Chapter 284: It's Not An Identity Crisis; It's An Identity Opportunity (10 October 2012)

Chapter 285: Can We Please Just Get This Election Over With? (11 October 2012)

Chapter 286: My Uncle Spider-Man (12 October 2012)

Chapter 287: Moving In, Moving Out (13 October 2012)

Chapter 288: Another Shameless Commercial Disguised As a Chapter (14 October 2012)

Chapter 289: A Turkey Who Plays Chicken (15 October 2012)

Chapter 290: Deliver Me A Dashing Job, Dude! (16 October 2012)

Chapter 291: Pillow Talk, Pillow Fight (17 October 2012)

Chapter 292: The Missing Day (18 October 2012)

Chapter 293: I Sing Of Singularity (19 October 2012)

Chapter 294: The Healthy Hospital Loses Some Dead Weight (20 October 2012)

Chapter 295: Through Machines, We Can Live Forever (21 October 2012)

Chapter 296: I Find Revenge Very Therapeutic (22 October 2012)

Chapter 297: Library Laughs, Mother Mutters (23 October 2012)

Chapter 298: Zero Point Zero (24 October 2012)

Chapter 299: The Alley Of Asphyxiated Aspirations (25 October 2012)

Chapter 300: We Deliver Everything But Babies (26 October 2012)

Chapter 301: The Class War Turns Literal (27 October 2012)

Chapter 302: I Think I Have A Coupon For That, Too (28 October 2012)

Chapter 303: Boustrophedon Blues (29 October 2012)

Chapter 304: Piethrowing Mass Shooter (30 October 2012)

Chapter 305: Some Years Election Day Is Scarier Than Halloween (31 October 2012)

Chapter 306: Presidential Mythmaking Makes My Blood Pressure Lifttaking (1 November 2012)

Chapter 307: I Like My Vice-Presidential Candidates Extra Crispy (2 November 2012)

Chapter 308: I Once Was a Guest (3 November 2012)

Chapter 309: The Stolen Hour Gets Returned (4 November 2012)

Chapter 310: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Fast Food As Thought Control (5 November 2012)

Chapter 311: The Problems Of Democracy Can Be Solved With More Donuts (6 November 2012)

Chapter 312: The Government Rips Off The Government (7 November 2012)

Chapter 313: I Can't Believe I'm Talking With Somebody Who Actually Believes The TV News (8 November 2012)

Chapter 314: Can We Now Please Please Please Stop Talking About Politics For A While? (9 November 2012)

Chapter 315: Cain Vs. Abel: The Rematch (10 November 2012)

Chapter 316: Pillpopping Paramedics (11 November 2012)

Chapter 317: Losing The Battle Of The Thermostat, Winning The Frigid Life (12 November 2012)

Chapter 318: Oh, The Things I'm Going To Do To You (13 November 2012)

Chapter 319: The Mystery Of The Missing Water Bill (14 November 2012)

Chapter 320: Please Don't Light A Campfire In The House (15 November 2012)

Chapter 321: Horny Housewarming (16 November 2012)

Chapter 322: Would You Like To Buy Some Gently Used Snow? (17 November 2012)

Chapter 323: One Last Snowangel Before You Go (18 November 2012)

Chapter 324: Stop Discriminating Against Corporate Citizens! (19 November 2012)

Chapter 325: Basic Training Is Basically Draining (20 November 2012)

Chapter 326: The Amish Shall Inherit The Earth (At Least What's Left Of It) (21 November 2012)

Chapter 327: Portrait Of A Pumpkin (22 November 2012)

Chapter 328: Peanut Butter And Women (23 November 2012)

Chapter 329: Gimme That Old Time Rasslin' (24 November 2012)

Chapter 330: Having A Conscience In America Just Costs You Money (25 November 2012)

Chapter 331: Oc And The Three Cocks (26 November 2012)

Chapter 332: Why Are Lawyers Always Idiots? (27 November 2012)

Chapter 333: I'm Not On Facebook So I Don't Have Any Friends (28 November 2012)

Chapter 334: Only 22 More Shopping Days Before The End Of Days (29 November 2012)

Chapter 335: I Like Nice People (30 November 2012)

Chapter 336: Nothing Says I Love You Like Doing A Blog Together (1 December 2012)

Chapter 337: Surfing The Timewave And Wiping Out (2 December 2012)

Chapter 338: And This Year's Award For The Biggest Lie Goes To . . . (3 December 2012)

Chapter 339: A Coffeehouse Conversation About Symbols In Currency (4 December 2012)

Chapter 340: The Neighborhood Just Got A Little Less Cooler (5 December 2012)

Chapter 341: Yeah, Why Don't Bands Tour As Their Own Tribute Acts? (6 December 2012)

Chapter 342: It May Be Winter Outside (But In My Heart It's Spring) (7 December 2012)

Chapter 343: A Prone Math Lesson (8 December 2012)

Chapter 344: An Inadvertent Adam (9 December 2012)

Chapter 345: Bruce Goose Explains The 2012 Myth (10 December 2012)

Chapter 346: A Leak I Like (11 December 2012)

Chapter 347: Can You Giftwrap Love? (12 December 2012)

Chapter 348: Lonnie Lectures On Love (13 December 2012)

Chapter 349: Civilization Collapses (14 December 2012)

Chapter 350: The Best System Of Control (15 December 2012)

Chapter 351: Be Kind. Do Good. Have Fun. Don't Eat Shit. (16 December 2012)

Chapter 352: The End Is Near And I Need A Beer (17 December 2012)

Chapter 353: You Can Go Home Again (And Again And Again) (18 December 2012)

Chapter 354: One Can Never Have Too Many Cans Of Beans Apparently (19 December 2012)

Chapter 355: What Comes After Happily Ever After? (20 December 2012)

Chapter 356: The End (21 December 2012)

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New Year, Old Fear (1 January 2012)

Jake flees into the freeze.  No, he isn't the type of person who spends New Year's Day philosophically wandering around in the snow on some sort of annual visionquest or self-evaluation.

That is the problem.  Jake is afraid that he doesn't know what type of person he is.  Or he's afraid that he does know what type of person he is, and that's the type of person who ends up living under his parents' roof forever, not by choice because he loves them and they love him and they're one happy family--La la la! Everyone join hands and sing!  La la la!--who can't stand to be apart from one another, but only because he's incapable of doing anything else and being treated like an eternal twelve-year-old beats being homeless.

Jake checks off his characteristics as he walks north towards Lake Eerie.  He's unemployed.  Check.  He graduated with a master's degree in history and, to guarantee that he would never be able to get a real job or continue in his education, wrote a master's thesis on villains in professional wrestling entitled 'I've Been To A Lot Of Places Around The Country And I've Gotta Tell You, Your City By Far Has The Ugliest People I've Ever Seen':  A History Of The Heel In Professional Wrestling.  Check.  While writing his thesis, he apparently fell into a variation of method-acting and started acting like a badguy wrestler in real life, so his girlfriend dumped him right after he graduated in December, therefore throwing his future into what, if one were being extremely charitable, would only call a tizzy, and not a sinkhole filled with used cat litter from the two cats she also left behind when she left him.  Check.  As a result, at twenty-five, after years of being on his own, he has moved, cats in tow, back in with his parents.  Check.  Who, combined with his sister, are driving him batshit.  Check.  For example, when he decided the cold and snow were preferable to staying inside the warmth of the house, his father was yelling at the hockey players on television, his mother was yelling at his father that the hockey players on television couldn't hear him, and his hungover sister was yelling at them that, unlike the hockey players, she indeed could hear both of them.

Now, while walking the cold streets of Lackwood, Ohio USA, Jake realizes that he has nowhere else to go.  He wanders into a park, which appears to be deserted except for him, and looks out at the lake stretching all the way to Canada.  Lake gulls call to one another, and one flies over and shits on the front of Jake's coat.  Surprisingly, Jake takes it stoically and picks up some snow and rubs the still wet droppings off his coat.    He thinks Well, the gull has made it official.  I've bottomed out as an adult.  I'm the human equivalent of newspaper lining the bottom of a birdcage.  Depressed, he shuffles over to a bench and, not bothering to clear any snow away, plops down on it.  As the damp chill seeps into his jeans, he thinks, Well, at least I still have my blog.

I Breathe, Therefore I Blog (2 January 2012)

A lovely splash of blue rotating in the cool blackness of space, Earth has about seven billion human beings gabbling, jabbering, and yammering away at one another in various languages.  It's amazing that this racket doesn't reach across the cosmos, but each individual conversation usually only travels a few feet.  A quieter form of yakking though reaches further.  One may only hear the clacking and clicking of fingers tapping on a keyboard, but the blogger through the computer and Internet can potentially reach everybody else with a computer on the Internet all the way around the blue of Earth.  Of course, though there are millions and maybe billions of blogs, there's probably only a couple of readers each for most of them:  the writer and her or his mother.  Today, though, Jake hopes that his mother isn't reading because what he's writing about would upset her.

Yes, yes, we both know that he should be spending his time looking for a job, but it's Monday, and New Year's Day is being observed so everything's closed, so we'll let him slack off.  Besides, he doesn't really have anything better to do, and the blog keeps him off park benches and away from lake gulls anyway.

Jake's blog, Two Out Of Three Falls, gives him a voice in the mediasphere, and what does he use his freedom of speech for?  No, not to ponder on the meaning of life.  No, not to weigh in on political decisions.  Yes, he voices his opinions on the state of professional wrestling!

Today, he declares his love for The Cannibals, a heel tag team, who during their matches attempt to gnaw on their opponents, and before and after their matches scan the audience for whom they'd like to eat (That one there!  He's got a lot of meat on him!).  Jake would buy their t-shirt (Bring Your Pet!  We Want An Appetizer!) but he's trying to save what remaining money he has.

Tonight The Cannibals wrestle for the tag team championship.  Jake writes, This should be a great match!  I like the man munchers' chances to take the belts!  They just have to control their appetites, and not attempt to eat their opponents before they pin them for the 1-2-3!   In the past, they've been undone by hunger, like the time The Sideshow Slammers had one of their friends come to ringside.  Their friend, who specialized in being a human pincushion, stuck a skewer through his cheeks.  At the sight of this human shish kebab, The Cannibals became entranced and as a result both of them got easily rolled up for a loss.

At a loss for any remaining words, Jake chews on his fingernails.  His mother would say that cannibalism isn't funny, but then she's never seen The Cannibals wrestle in a Losers Are Lunch match.

The Cannibal Cookbook (3 January 2012)  

As a result of doing a blog, strange missives arrive in email or on the comments of a blogpost for Jake.  Today brings The Cannibal Cookbook.  On the comments section of yesterday's post about The Cannibals tag team, someone calling herself or himself The Cannibal Chef has written, Great post!  I hadn't heard about these guys but will check them out.  All too often cannibals get a bad rep in the media so it's nice to see some of us not being discriminated against.  I hope they win the belts too!

Jake is happy someone is actually reading his blog, but disturbed that it is apparently someone who asks Who's for dinner? and not What's for dinner? on a nightly basis.  He hopes it is a joke by his sister.  She sometimes reads his blog and posts fake comments on it just to rib him.  He clicks on the link to the cannibal's website, The Cannibal Cookbook, and realizes that no, it isn't his sister who left the comment.

The Cannibal Cookbook might be a joke, but it might be serious.  Jake can't tell.  There's an editorial complaining about cannibals being compared to poverty pimps because both eat their own.  The Cannibal Chef vehemently complains that the comparison is unfair because rich people are much more nutritious to eat than poor people, so a cannibal would never prey on the poor like a poverty pimp does.  

Another article proposes cannibalism as the solution to both overpopulation and world starvation and argues that the United Nations should implement Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal on a worldwide basis.  

Yet another article argues that cannibalism is environmentally-friendly and is a post-vegan lifestyle that preserves the dignity of animals and vegetables alike.  As a sidenote, the article applauds war because it rids the world of mass quantities of human beings, and thus minimizes the strain too many people impose on global resources, but laments that during wartime so much good food goes to waste before it can be preserved for later.  The Chef encourages armies to carry extra salt and refrigerators on every helicopter and tank. 

There's a personals section so people who want to eat people can meet people who want to be eaten.  One ad starts, Lovers nourish each other.  Let's do that literally.

There's a recipe section.  The first recipe is for finger food.  Jake doesn't read that part any further.

There's a book review of Cannibalism:  From Sacrifice To Survival by Hans Askenasy.  The book gets a rave review, and the Cannibal Chef says that the Caribs, whom cannibals were named after courtesy of Christopher Columbus's mispronunciation, said that the French were delicious, the English so-so, the Dutch tasteless, and the Spanish so tough as to be virtually inedible.  The Chef adds, I'd have to agree, but I like Asian food best anyway.  Next month, the Chef plans to review On Cannibals by Montaigne.  

There's a thumbs up for Catholicism because the Chef says that the transubstantiation at communion is an example of magic cannibalism wherein the eater gets to absorb the characteristics of the eaten.  He says it's a religion with rituals that he could sink his teeth into.  

There's a joke section that includes such classics as What did the one cannibal say to the other cannibal in Mexico City?  I'm tired of eating Mexican every night: Let's find a tourist and Jake's personal favorite, What does a cannibal call fast food?  A track team, but they could use a 'dash' of salt typically after all that running and sweating.  

Jake decides not to email the Chef or leave a message on the guestbook of the Cookbook, but instead writes a response beneath the Chef's comment on Jake's blog:  Thanks for the feedback!  Your website's a trip, Dude.  It's a put-on, right?  I dig The Cannibals' shtick in the ring, but I'm not into eating people.  I'm mostly a vegetarian who also likes bacon.  Bacon's too good to give up.  In fact, bacon is so delicious that I think the problems in the Middle East would disappear if all the people there sat down and had some BLTs together.

Jake hopes this is the last he'll hear from the Cannibal Chef.  He is hungry and wonders who, er, what is for dinner.

Jake's Dream (4 January 2012)  

Tonight, Jake's pillow feels like a rock.  He dreams of flying across the ocean, but not in an airplane.  He himself is the plane or maybe a bird.  He's not sure; it's a dream after all, as long as it fits into dream logic it doesn't matter.  In any case, he has an aerial view of the ocean spreading before him.  He spies a ladder or staircase in the distance with creatures going up and down between earth and the heavens.  They look sort of like large birds, but he can't make them out clearly.  As he's about to head in for a closer look, he hears an authoritative voice boom like an announcer in a film trailer:  And the gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations, and then shall the end come.  Matthew 24:14.

Jake is veered away from the thingy with the creatures as the voice booms and he finds himself flying across nothing but ocean for miles upon miles upon miles until he comes to a beautiful tropical island completely isolated.  It's so remote that Jake wonders if this place has even ever been on a map.  He hovers above the island, and he sees a ship approach.  On the shore two natives from the island gather to stare at the ship.  One of them throws a spear at the ship but it falls short into the sea and the other native laughs.  A small rowboat comes from the ship.  On it are two men, one black and one white.  The black man looks nervously at the natives as they approach the beach, but the white man, dressed in shiny white clothes, so as it seems to further emphasize his whiteness, stands up, spreads his arms as if to embrace them from thirty yards away, and smiles at them with a toothy smile that is so white it appears the man has been mainlining teeth whitening products.

As the rowboat gets closer to shore, Jake recognizes the white man as a televangelist with a bad toupee who often appears on the low rent television channel that broadcasts Christian wrestling.  Christian wrestling was usually pretty bad, with the storylines even more primitive than regular wrestling.  For example, the goodguys usually wrestled badguys who wore t-shirts with the name of one of the seven deadly sins on them.  The devil was often the champion, but you could bet Wrestling Jesus would win the belt before the end of the night.  Still it was wrestling so Jake watched it more often than not.  His favorite Christian wrestler was Reverend Revelation who had a finishing move on his opponents that was pretty cool.  It was called the End of Days Earlock.  After his opponents tapped out, he always made them accept Christ before he'd let go of their ears.  It was the gospel and a good gimmick.

Jake doesn't see Reverend Revelation though, just the blinding white televangelist, his nervous companion, and the natives.  The natives don't throw any more spears.  They seem transfixed by the approach of the men onto shore.  Once, on shore, the televangelist starts preaching.  It sounds as if he is speaking in tongues, but Jake can understand him.  He says, You people are the last people on planet Earth to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I bring you the good news that you have been waiting for.  You don't have television so I have to visit you in person.  You are very fortunate pagans.  

The televangelist goes on and on.  His companion pitches in with Yeses and Amens once in a while and even an occasional Testify! while the natives sit down crosslegged and listen.  At the end, the televangelist asks them, Are you ready to accept Christ into your life?

To which, one of the natives replies, No, but I'll accept you in my belly.  All white meat, you look delicious.

I want him extra crispy, the other native drools.

With that said, the natives spear the televangelist and kill him.  While they are so distracted, the televangelist's companion makes a mad dash for the rowboat and escapes to sea.  Upon his arrival, the ship leaves the island.

Nighttime comes and the natives roast the televangelist over a fire.  He feeds them for a few days.  There doesn't seem to be anybody else on the island, and all the natives do is sit on the beach occasionally munching on the remains of the televangelist.  Eventually one day, there is a large white flash on the horizon, and a tremendous noise reaches the island a little later.

What was that? the first cannibal says.

Oh, probably nothing.  Maybe one of the Gods farting, the second cannibal says, Pass me another finger.  You know I love those.

We're out.

We're out?

Well, even the pudgy ones don't last forever, and we ate everybody else.

I'm still hungry.  Who are we going to eat now?

The first cannibal looks at the second cannibal and salivates.

Jake wakes with a start, sits up in bed, and checks to make sure all his body parts are still there.  He puts his right hand to his forehead, and thinks, That's insane.  People are being born all the time.  Even two thousand years on from Christ, how could there ever come a time when everyone on Earth had heard the gospel and been able to make up their minds whether they believed in it or not, so the world could then end?  I must have read too much of the cannibal website and watched too much Christian wrestling yesterday.

Jake continues to hold his forehead in his right hand and looks at his left hand.  He swears to God that he will never chew his fingernails again.

A Coffeehouse Conversation About Grocery Cards (5 January 2012)

After spending all day home applying for jobs online, Jake changes his setting from a house to a coffeehouse, specifically Caffeine Eden, which is just around the corner from his parents.  Run by a married couple, Adam and Steve, who are happy all day long, seemingly wired on one of the many liquid stimulants they serve, Caffeine Eden has long been a sanctuary for all the freethinkers, bohemians, and grumblebunnies in Lackwood to gather when they feel the need to get away from home.  Three dollars rents Jake a seat for the evening as he milks his coffee for all it's worth, and for what it's worth he has no milk in his coffee, drinking it black just as his favorite coffee-themed wrestler, The Java Jolter, would do.  In fact, Jake has just opened up the book he brought, the biography of The Jolter (real name Bob Bean), when the conversation of two old men at the next table draws him in to eavesdrop.

The first old man, who has hair coming out of his ears, says, Do you ever go to Food Wigwam? 

The second old man, who has hair coming out of his nose, says, No, I hate that supermarket.  I burned my frequent shopper card from there.

You burned your frequent shopper card?

Yeah.

How come?

They stuck a little radio frequency identification microchip in it so they were tracking me throughout the store.  It's none of their business that I like to spend an hour or so 'browsing' the magazine section.

Wait?  They were tracking you through the store.  How do you know they were doing that?

Because the products would talk to me.  I'd be near a display and it'd say 'Good afternoon, Mr. Sweetkiss, would you like to buy some cereal to go with that milk in your cart?'  It freaked me out the first time I heard it.  I thought I was having an acid flashback to the trip where I sat around discussing the Vietnam War all day with a loaf of bread.  For the record, the bread thought the war was a bad idea too, he pauses and takes a drink of coffee, That never happened to you?

I never took acid.

No, I mean the Food Wigwam products talking to you?

Well, I don't go in there that often so I don't have one of their cards.  I usually go to Mart Mart.

Mart Mart!  Don't get me started on them.  I'll go on all night.  Anyway, I could have sworn that the prices would change too.  You know those electronic price displays they have under each product now?

Yeah?

Well, they would change when different people came near, like some people paid a lower or higher price for each item.

That's unAmerican! 

I know it!  It's in the Constitution that the customer is always right! Plus, I started getting worried.  I figured if Food Wigwam was keeping track of everything I bought, everything I picked up, and everything I even glanced at, how did I know, their privacy policy notwithstanding, that they weren't going to share that information with others, say my wife, or worse the government, and the government was going to tell me that I couldn't eat cheese anymore because I had to keep my cholesterol levels low so they could save on my healthcare costs.  And then the next time I'd go to Food Wigwam to buy cheese they wouldn't let me buy it.  They'd probably say it was for national security if I asked any questions.  I just don't understand why anybody else but me needs to know that I like to drink clam juice, for example.

You like to drink clam juice?

Yeah, don't you?

No, that's disgusting.

This from the guy who loves to spread yeast extract on toast?  To each his own.  Anyway, I was tired of being tracked so I went in front of Food Wigwam one day and I burned my frequent shopper card as a protest.  The manager yelled at me because the plastic in the card stank when I burned it, and I was scaring the other customers, but he knew I was right because he told me the corporate headquarters forced him to use the cards and he didn't like them himself.  After he stamped out the flames from the remains of my card, he gave me some free coupons and hoped I'd remain a loyal customer.  I told him that if we don't stop them with the cards, next they'll be wanting us to get a microchip implant in our hand just to save fifty cents on a can of beans, and he told me that was a good idea.

Putting beans on sale or the microchip implant?

I don't know.  I didn't ask.

Or instead of an implant, they might make us get a tattoo or something, and we'll need it to buy or sell anything in the first place like it says in The Bible about the number of the beast.

Speaking of the number of the beast.  I think it's number two.  You should have seen the one I had the other day.  I swear it had fangs on it.

Larry, I don't want to hear about your bowel movements.

Apples, Tom, I swear by them!  They'll make you regular!

I already am a frequent shopper where that's concerned.

As the old men continue to discuss defecation and national security, Jake moves to another table where it's quieter.  As he drinks his coffee, he wonders what Food Wigwam knows about him.

Believe In Cleaveland (6 January 2012)  

Francine is researching the wars in Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Korea, Pakistan, and Venezuela when the lights flicker.  Amazingly, the computer doesn't have to reboot, but the flicker shakes her out of a trance, and she realizes that she'll be late for work if she doesn't hurry up.  She tidies up, gets dressed, and is out the door minutes later heading to Believer Square where she'll catch the train downtown to serve the dinner shift at one of the last remaining frou-frou restaurants in Cleaveland.  She can make enough money working the weekend shifts so that during the week she can concentrate on her passions:  digging up the truth about politics and society through the disinformation and outright lies spewed by mainstream corporate-government-industrial-military complex media and then blogging about it.

On the way through the Square, a homeless man says, Excuse me, excuse me . . . but Francine keeps walking and ignores him, except to point at a Help Wanted sign in the window of a shop.

Oh, it's gonna be like that, the man says, before saying Excuse me, excuse me . . . to the next passerby.

It is late afternoon, but the days are still only gradually growing longer from the winter solstice, so in the west the sun is setting, flooding the square with its last rays.  Francine steps onto the train, flipping off one of the facial recognition software installed cameras on the station platform before boarding.  She swipes her transport pass and takes a seat far away from the gaggle of teenagers arguing over who gave whom a low hug in school today and which celebrity has the biggest cock or tits.

The train rolls into the setting sun, and Francine watches the neighborhoods and infrastructure deteriorate.  First, the stately but seen better days architecture of the Square, then projects and slums where people still live, then decaying landlocked wrecks that used to be people's homes but are now boarded up or half-charred, then parts of the city going back to nature complete with packs of wild dogs roaming what used to be city blocks, then rusted hulks of former industrial glory now turned to ruin, then the sinister towers of the corporate bubble of downtown Cleaveland.  Francine wonders why she stays here but seeing as wars over fresh water supplies are starting to break out around the world, it makes sense to stick close to a large body of fresh water such as Lake Eerie.  Plus, there are enough farms in the countryside still that locals will be able to survive when civilization collapses.

The lots of fun cultural things to do in the metro area until then are a bonus.   

Besides, since nobody else really wants to live here, the rent is cheap, and time not spent on working can be spent on doing things she actually wants to do.  The area really isn't as bad as its reputation suggests.  Cleaveland itself beyond the corporate bubble, or green zone, is pretty much anarchy put into practice, but Believer Heights where Francine lives still has a more or less functioning government.

The train reaches the downtown station, and Francine makes her way to the surface level.  The restaurant, Yaws, is a couple blocks away.  On the way there, Francine watches a car catch on fire.  A man gets out of the car, looks at the smoke pouring from the engine, opens the trunk, and takes out three gascans.  He puts one gascan under his left arm, picks up another with his left hand, and picks up the last one with his right.  He leaves the trunk up and calmly walks away.

The car continues to burn.  In the twilight, it almost appears picturesque.  Francine, along with some others, stops to watch.  One man in a business suit throws water into the rapidly-spreading inferno in a half-hearted attempt to extinguish the blaze.  It has no effect, so he throws the plastic water bottle into the center of the fire and backs away.  Francine watches the bottle melt.  Church bells ring, reminding Francine that she must get to work.  She doesn't hear any fire sirens as she walks away, but when she reaches the entrance of Yaws she hears an explosion.

This life can be like a strange dream, she thinks, Some days, it's hard to believe in Cleaveland.

Woo-Hoo!  You've Fulfilled Your Biological Imperative!  (7 January 2012)

A college friend sends pictures of her new baby to Francine in an email.  Francine replies with a tepid congratulation.  All around her, old friends seem to be coupling and offspringing, and Francine wonders why they even bother, The world's falling apart.  Why would they bring a child into it, or think that their little commitments, even when registered with church or state, which can barely survive everyday life, can survive global warming, nuclear holocaust, terrorism, economic depression, infrastructure collapse, the coming of the police state, wholesale environmental destruction, one world government dictatorship, corporate tyranny, radioactive waste, the coming dominance of artificial intelligence, cloning gone wild, mass extinction of  animal and plant species, the disappearance of the polar icecaps and tropical rainforests, 24-7-366 surveillance, anarchy in the streets, the tragedy of the commons, the privatization of everything, the dumbing down of the working class, the rigging of the system for the tiny rich elite, Bilderberg-A-Go-Go, the drying-up of oil and other fossil fuels, the disintegration of nation states and governments, war war war, and all the rest of the nasties this century has lined up for us?

And they think I'm nuts, Francine says aloud.

She sighs, crosses her room, and gazes in the mirror, thinking, Twenty-nine-years old, and those wrinkles will only grow deeper.

She spots a gray in her short blonde hair, I live in a house with two housemates on the edge of a city that's gradually becoming wilderness.  I'm semi-employed.  I spend most of my time working on my blog Franzine.  My old friends probably pity me, but I've never been happier.

She thinks of John, her old fiance, and wonders what she'd be doing right now if they stayed together, I'd probably be living in a bland, gated, private subdivision somewhere in the far suburbs.  We'd each be working overtime at corporate jobs we hated just to afford gasoline and mortgage payments.  We'd be expecting our first child, and then he'd be cheating on me yet again.  I'd be miserable.  He'd tell me he was sorry and he'd never do it again, and how we had to stay together for the baby's sake, or the mortgage's sake, or for appearances' sake, or because we loved one another, and then he'd be sure to do it again and again and again like he always did.  No, nobody's ever going to control me again ever.  They can call it love.  I call it emotional fascism.  The whole societal structure built upon love and the family was one big pyramid scheme scam.  They got you in debt, either financially or emotionally, and you stayed there evermore so they could control you.  But I'm free now, and I'm staying that way.

Francine winks at herself in the mirror.  She likes what she sees.

The Coyote And His Comics (8 January 2012)  

Francine wakes up late.  She has nowhere to go today though so it doesn't matter.  She gets up, goes to the bathroom, pees, and goes back to bed.

It's past noon when she decides to get up for good.  She showers, gets dressed, and heads downstairs.  Her housemates, Donald and Masani, are in the living room.  Donald is almost surrounded by comic books.  On the coffeetable sits an opened cardboard box.  Masani sits by the window reading a book.  Jazz plays softly in the background.  I take it your monthly comics shipment came yesterday, Donald? Francine says.

Donald looks up from the comic he's reading, which judging from the cover appears to be the latest issue of Fightin' Fun Comics.  Yes, good morning, Francine, Donald says, Would you like to read one?

Thank you, maybe later.  Morning, Masani.

Morning, Hot Stuff, how are you? Masani replies, setting aside her book.

Francine loves Masani's smile.  She has the cutest gap between her front teeth, Not bad, I did pretty well last night on tips.  Unfortunately some of the staff talked me into going to a bar after work, so I spent some of it.

Well, Honey, you gotta live.  It's good you got out.  You spend too much time up in your room writing on the blog, um hum.  You don't want to end up a recluse like me and Donald.  I don't think he's left the house in a week.

At this Donald looks up and points at the window, It is snowing.  Besides I have my comics, why do I need to leave the house?  People are too rude nowadays.  At least in the comics, most people are polite and the good guys usually win.

Masani holds up her book, You should read some books without pictures once in a while.

I read a Bucktoothed Ghost novel last week, Donald replies and goes back to reading his comic.

Bucktoothed Ghost?  What about Moby Dick or The Color Purple or some other classic novel? Masani laughs.

Donald looks back up, Moby Dick I have read, at least in the comic book adaptation.  I do not think they have done a graphic novel version of The Color Purple yet.

'I do not think they have done a graphic novel version yet', Masani shakes her head, I should throw this book at you and knock some sense into your head.

If you do that, then I will have to raise the rent,