Whythehellnot?

By Taylee Kind

A retired teacher. A former student. Both too broken to ever want love again. The unlikeliest of love stories. But this one...it really happened. Miracles do happen. And this miracle fell straight from Heaven in the most unexpected way. There is something at the end of hope. Taylee found Anthony. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Taylee Kind
• Release date: Sep 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393229148

Taylee Kind

Taylee grew up a quiet middle child in a tiny town. She loves writing, reading, playing the piano, singing in the shower, cuddling with her furbabies and her hubby, and watching really good TV. Oh, and laughing. Always laughing. The best is when the kids come and make themselves at home. Yes. That's the best thing. 

Book preview

Release Form

By proceeding to read this, I understand I am doing so at my own risk. If I am easily triggered by depressing subjects or grown-ass situations and think I may be tempted to harm myself or others as a result of reading such things, I will put this book down and slowly back away. If I have not done so at this point, I pledge to not act on any such temptations. If I lose my shit and do it anyway, I will in no way hold Taylee Kind responsible.

I acknowledge that Taylee Kind could possibly be the greatest writer ever, which means I could be taken to places known and unknown. I may cry. I may laugh until I pee. Then again, she may totally suck, and I could be bored to death, in which case I will also not sue her.

I acknowledge there are grown-ass things that young adult persons must sometimes deal with, which fucking sucks, but is exactly why books like this shouldn’t be kept from them. They need to know they’re not alone in this crazy-ass world. So, if I am a young adult person and, in reading some things in here, realize I need to talk to someone, I take responsibility to ask for help and do not hold Taylee Kind responsible if I choose not to. (But please do. -TK)

Signed,

Reader

Acknowledgements

First and foremost,  I want to thank God. I had lost all hope of this kind of love ever being part of my story and I’d actually accepted it. But You had other plans, and as this all unfolded, it became so clear why the pain had to come first. It was so worth it. I love You.

I need to thank Anthony, my loudest cheering section. Just by the way you stop and watch me while I’m writing, with that proud smile on your face. The way you talk about me, not only to me, but to everyone else - you make me feel like the most precious thing in the world. And you believe in me. To have someone like you right here by my side every day...the sound of your key in the door will always be a comfort to me. I don’t know if anyone else out there knows how great a gift that is. You know, I love you, is not enough.

Thank you, Samantha, my frister, for making the pact with me that made me so bound and determined to keep it that I walked through my panic attacks and went to the lake house to meet with Anthony in the first place. Thank you for being with me through all of this and standing with us on our wedding day. It was only appropriate. I love you.

And of course, Pardner. How can I not thank you, my big brother, for being the other man outside of my family that I could trust through all of this. Through anything. I love you, and I trust you with my life. Thank you for standing with us on our wedding day, and not vomiting during the ceremony. We both appreciate your self-control.

Reverend James and Becky. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for marrying us. For always being there throughout the years, supporting us individually, never realizing what an important part you were playing in the timeline of this love story. And for supporting us when our relationship started developing. As crazy as it may have seemed, you saw what was really happening. I love you.

Thank you to my family for opening your arms to Anthony as one of us, simply because you saw how very happy it made me to be with him. That’s all it took. You’re the family of families. I landed in a very special place when God placed me with you all. Or maybe I picked you, or we picked each other. I don’t know. But it sure worked out fantastically! I love you.

Thank you to Anthony’s/Deborah’s family - those of you who have been so kind and accepting. To Anna and Michael, for your strength, and for seeing things as they are. As hard as I know it has had to be, just...thank you. I do love you.

Thank you, Deborah. Thank you for coming to me and staying with me. I love you, and I am so grateful for your guidance.

Thank you, Grandma Toots, for continually giving me signs to keep going and not give up on this. To believe in myself and what I am doing. To be brave. To walk through the fear. You have been a constant for me. And yes, Grandpa Bader, I do see you right there, slightly behind her, with your hand on her shoulder in gentle support. I love you both.

Thank you to my friend, my very special friend, who told me about my gifts. Things began to make sense after meeting you. I love you.

To my children. My son – thank you for your appreciation, your respect, your love. I could not be prouder to be your mother. You’re my cherry on the sundae. My daughter – thank you for coming back home to me. I would wait as many lifetimes as it would take. Being your mother was my first dream come true.

I want to thank you. Yes, you. The reader. Because this kind of thing actually happens in this life, and people need to know that it’s not just a fairy tale. That it really can be this good. This easy. This amazing. That there is hope for the hopeless. I didn’t do this one for me, because it was scary as fuck to write some of it, but every time Anthony read something in it that he knew was agonizing for me, he would bring it back to me, with tears, and say, You have to leave that in there. And without you, the reader, picking up this book, being interested in what is inside, there would be no interest. And for myself, in the scheme of the big picture, that would be fine. I would be okay. But honestly, I do want to make a difference. And so often I say, Why should I flatter myself to think that anything I have to say would make that difference? It already has. Just by me taking risks and saying things that I know, when I heard them in my darkest places, it let me know that I was not the only one there. And the more of us who aren’t afraid to say it, the more chance that those in the dark will hear. So, thank you, Dear Reader, for wanting to hear it, because even if you’re not the one who needs it, maybe you know someone who is.

I have way too many wonderful, beYOUtiful people in my life to thank everyone, so I focused on people directly associated with this book. Please don’t think I am unaware or unappreciative of your love, support, or guidance in my life. I am so very, very blessed. Thank you!

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I don’t go everywhere in this book. You can’t go everywhere in one book. It’s too much. But I really do hope that for at least one person our story, at the very least provides some entertainment, and at the most renews your faith, if even a drop. Because a drop in a lake of glass can carry a ripple in every direction. If my life had a soundtrack, I would say that when I found Anthony - when we found each other - my song was She Used to Be Mine, by Sara Bareilles.

She’s imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won’t ask for help

She is messy, but she’s kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine.

I would say now, my song is Fight Song, by Rachel Platten.

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.

Introduction

Disclaimer: This is not a memoir. Yes, it is under the category of memoir, but a memoir is understood to be factual. Well, first of all, the people named in this story do not exist, so that’s one. Any resemblance to persons alive or dead is...well, it’s...quite intentional, but it can never be proven. Secondly, it’s written from one person’s point of view. How could that ever be considered factual unless there are no other people in the story whatsoever? Once there are others involved, the same event could be recalled several different ways by several different people. So, to be clear, this is a story. And we all have stories to tell. Do we not? Now, to also be clear, this story...this...story...it happened. It really fucking happened. Miracles happen. True love happens. There is something to be found at the end of hope. I found Anthony.

Preface

This is now. My new now. A now that I never expected I would be in. Sitting on the kitchen floor in my one-bedroom apartment in Lavoie, Ontario where I grew up. I’m 46 and did not plan on ever living in this town again unless I had my kids with me. I had wanted to move them up here, so they could spend more time outdoors in the woods with my dad and brother, chopping wood, shooting guns, not thinking about their phones or what someone said to someone else on Shitspace about that other person and their boyfriend. That would have been my reason for moving back here, but that wasn’t the case and I am still here, in this kitchen, on the floor, sifting through boxes, because I’m moving out of this apartment. Well, I actually haven’t been living here for several months, but now I have officially given my notice and I need to get my shit out. Always, when I’m packing, I end up finding sentimental things and get caught up in reminiscing. That turns into crying. Today’s crying has all been over my kids, especially my girl.

Reading her cards and letters to me...God! She used to love me so much! My heart cannot help but break over, and over, and over again, every day. Will she ever see me that way again? Will she ever love me like that again? Anthony says she will. If not sooner, she will after she has children of her own.

Or when I’m dead, I say.

Don’t you die anytime soon.

Even if I don’t die soon...it’s just too long. It hurts too much. And it