The Undertaker's Ball. Part two of 'The Care Home'

By Frankie Lassut

This is the second part of the care home. It contains vulgar scenes of abuse, especially concerning those who have that real turn off dementia. It features the Undertaker’s Ball an annual do attended by Undertakers trying to sell their wares i.e. coffins. They go around the dance hall with tape measures. So it’s just like a Clinton Eastwood movie. I think it has scenes of abuse in it too, not to the young mind you, to the old. There’s a real fun bit too with Zimmer frames. Oh, don’t be silly, I wouldn’t write stuff like that; I’m really nice when you get to know me. My ex-girlfriend would agree, but she’s buried in the garden and her big mouth is full of soil. No she isn’t and no it isn’t, I’m joking ... or am I?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Frankie Lassut
• Release date: Apr 21, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463916148

Frankie Lassut

I am the one being shaved; the other one Nim, is is a looney bin now!I went to see a psychic years ago who ended up as my girlfriend; she didn’t see that one coming! But she was extremely honoured. However it ended badly i.e. it rained heavily as I buried her body and I got soaked. No! You don’t really want to hear about it, it’s depressing; I was joking about the burial. She told me that I was to uncover a talent I had ... Well, another psychic told me that as the first one was dead; I was lying when I said I was lying. Nothing happened for quite a while. Suddenly I realised I needed a ‘job’ quite badly as I was beginning to drink halves. No, not a boob ‘job’! I went for the cheap option i.e. the surgeon gave some socks to shove up my jumper when I go out. I got a ‘job’ (have you got boobs on your mind?) because someone told me that bus-driving was easy because you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel. She was about six, a wise woman ... that’s called an oxymoron. Fantastic! I thought get the job and in a couple of days I’d be driving all the nice passengers around and about seeing all the sights for a fraction of the cost of a tour bus; and we’d have a roof in case it rained. Easy! First of all though there was the training; and I entered hell.I was born in Cumbria in a little ex-iron ore mining town called Millom. It was only small, a one- horse town; the horse was called Peg. It had a pedigree name too, but I can’t remember it at the moment: Peggy Suss? However, I got fed up and left as I was the only man in a town full of women and they were all lesbys; I’ve always been lucky. I went to Blackpool and attended the photographic college. I then moved to Coventry and met the psychic who would tell me what was going to happen. I could say now that the rest is history. Well it is, but obviously not history as that’s all made up anyway. Then I got the job bus-driving, which as I said is easy ‘you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel’. The bus station management weren’t pleased that she had said that though, so she was tried and sent to Guantanamo Bay; they have a section for young kids who are bad to the bone.The job was so mad that I thought it would be a good idea to write out some posters and stick them all on the wall of the bus station. The other drivers enjoyed them, but the management tore them down, the badstars (that’s an anagram of astards +B). I carried on and ended up with a manuscript for a book, which, by the way is ‘brilliant’. The management didn’t like it, but bollocks to them.I couldn’t stop writing after that episode and I’ve been writing ever since, mostly cheques to people, such as the mortgage people and the gas board etc. I am so brilliant that I’ve lost all my friends because I wrote about them in my style which I believe is called Bizzaro. My inner being is a bit of a crazy horse, because whatever I write it has to be in that style, even the horror. It just goes that way. ‘Ordinary’ writing to me is like lemonade minus the bubbles ... I can’t bring myself to do it; but thank God I can still bring myself off. I need a selfie stick as I do that because the close focus on the phone won’t do it; how else am I going to post them on the Dark Web?Writing is like a drug. When I was writing my Millom book, the pictures that flashed into my head were so funny to me that I laughed myself into hernia-ville; my stomach tore. I got injured writing.You see, hernia-ville, a retirement home for people with stomach hernias; no comedians are booked to appear at that place.So, my writing is brilliant, so read the bloody stuff!I have actually suffered for my art. I won’t go to hospital to get it fixed because, well, I’ve written about that friggin place too.All that and now I’m an international bestselling author. I’m the only author in this world who has sold books on Mars (eat your heart out Tony Robbins), so I can say with certainty that Martians have fabulous senses of humour.What a profile!

Book preview

Part Two

of

‘The Care Home’

Copyright by Frankie Lassut 2019

Published by Wonky Books at Smashwords

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It can be a bit lonely sitting in a room by yourself most of the day, writing. So I took it upon myself to sit in the common room where at least I could chat to the maintenance men as they carried on stretchers out of the ‘pleasure in disguise’ room; you’d call it a torture room but looks can be deceptive.

Well, you find out sometimes that an inmate; sorry, sorry ‘resident’ hadn’t flushed the loo after they had used it; which is disgusting! They made a mess too which you would have thought difficult with the full, healthy (starvation) diets they were on. Well, I could actually see the point ‘what’s the use of using ‘good food’ on the elderly, especially those with dementia? All some of them do is waste it! And rub it in their hair and on their clothes.

The ones with that ‘all systems shut down’ dementia just tend to shout incoherent things and bang their spoons on their plates. I felt like shouting as I occasionally passed by their rooms ‘it’s too late to join a pop-group now love!’. This statement would at least cause the nurses, both male