The Story of The Black Grouse

By Frankie Lassut

The Black Grouse is an English hero in Scotland, helping out where the Scottish can’t, mainly due to their love of barley based refreshments. With his team, not only does the Grouse perform well at the Highland games, but also in his mission. The villains are English too, a right mad duo, but are sorted out by the grouse and his friends. The real villain is a Scot, whose name, if you don’t read it properly, sounds like a fish Scotland is famous for (he has a thing about those ugly wind tower things).
I tried to write it in a Scottish accent, so it hasn’t been spell checked, as that task would have sent whoever attempted it quite in need of a good stiff drink.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Frankie Lassut
• Release date: Jul 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781910103524

Frankie Lassut

I am the one being shaved; the other one Nim, is is a looney bin now!I went to see a psychic years ago who ended up as my girlfriend; she didn’t see that one coming! But she was extremely honoured. However it ended badly i.e. it rained heavily as I buried her body and I got soaked. No! You don’t really want to hear about it, it’s depressing; I was joking about the burial. She told me that I was to uncover a talent I had ... Well, another psychic told me that as the first one was dead; I was lying when I said I was lying. Nothing happened for quite a while. Suddenly I realised I needed a ‘job’ quite badly as I was beginning to drink halves. No, not a boob ‘job’! I went for the cheap option i.e. the surgeon gave some socks to shove up my jumper when I go out. I got a ‘job’ (have you got boobs on your mind?) because someone told me that bus-driving was easy because you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel. She was about six, a wise woman ... that’s called an oxymoron. Fantastic! I thought get the job and in a couple of days I’d be driving all the nice passengers around and about seeing all the sights for a fraction of the cost of a tour bus; and we’d have a roof in case it rained. Easy! First of all though there was the training; and I entered hell.I was born in Cumbria in a little ex-iron ore mining town called Millom. It was only small, a one- horse town; the horse was called Peg. It had a pedigree name too, but I can’t remember it at the moment: Peggy Suss? However, I got fed up and left as I was the only man in a town full of women and they were all lesbys; I’ve always been lucky. I went to Blackpool and attended the photographic college. I then moved to Coventry and met the psychic who would tell me what was going to happen. I could say now that the rest is history. Well it is, but obviously not history as that’s all made up anyway. Then I got the job bus-driving, which as I said is easy ‘you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel’. The bus station management weren’t pleased that she had said that though, so she was tried and sent to Guantanamo Bay; they have a section for young kids who are bad to the bone.The job was so mad that I thought it would be a good idea to write out some posters and stick them all on the wall of the bus station. The other drivers enjoyed them, but the management tore them down, the badstars (that’s an anagram of astards +B). I carried on and ended up with a manuscript for a book, which, by the way is ‘brilliant’. The management didn’t like it, but bollocks to them.I couldn’t stop writing after that episode and I’ve been writing ever since, mostly cheques to people, such as the mortgage people and the gas board etc. I am so brilliant that I’ve lost all my friends because I wrote about them in my style which I believe is called Bizzaro. My inner being is a bit of a crazy horse, because whatever I write it has to be in that style, even the horror. It just goes that way. ‘Ordinary’ writing to me is like lemonade minus the bubbles ... I can’t bring myself to do it; but thank God I can still bring myself off. I need a selfie stick as I do that because the close focus on the phone won’t do it; how else am I going to post them on the Dark Web?Writing is like a drug. When I was writing my Millom book, the pictures that flashed into my head were so funny to me that I laughed myself into hernia-ville; my stomach tore. I got injured writing.You see, hernia-ville, a retirement home for people with stomach hernias; no comedians are booked to appear at that place.So, my writing is brilliant, so read the bloody stuff!I have actually suffered for my art. I won’t go to hospital to get it fixed because, well, I’ve written about that friggin place too.All that and now I’m an international bestselling author. I’m the only author in this world who has sold books on Mars (eat your heart out Tony Robbins), so I can say with certainty that Martians have fabulous senses of humour.What a profile!

Book preview

The Black Grouse

Copyright 2014 Dave Lassut

Published by Reader’s Highjest e books at Smashwords

EPUB ISBN: 978-1-910103-52-4

EBOOK ISBN: 978-1-910103-53-1

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

GONW

***

Frankie is a member (founder) of The Guild of Naughty Writers.

The Guild protects writers who say what they think.

Medmbership 0.0001

Chance of a victory in court: 0.0001%

THE UNBELIEVABLE STORY OF THE BLACK GROUSE

An Anglo Scottish Fantasy containing more truth than a Politician’s purpose. Told by Jimmy McDongle and recounted by Frankie Lassut.

To the memory of Rabbie Burns, who did a lot for the Scottish economy through the appreciation of the ‘golden necar’.

No, this isn’t a grouse, black or otherwise, don’t you know a buzzard when you see one?

The legend of the mysterious, still (very much) ‘living’ Black Grouse will be told by Jimmy McDongle, in the comfort of the ... a ‘secret’ pub location in Coventry. This wee fantasy is written in a Scottish accent by an Englishman who is half Polish ... it has nay been spellchecked because those involved haven’t got the years needed to fex the unfexable. Et reads ok if ye have a drenk ferst. Jimmy McDongle: (can’t be arsed with speech marks most of the time).

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I cannae possibly give out the true identity of the Black Grouse, but I can give you the correct pronunciation of his name, aye, his ‘second’ name to be exact. His second name, only used when he was in character was Grouse. Black is pronounced black, so there’s no problem there, but grouse, when you’re in the wilds of Bonnie Scotland, pronounced ScoUtland, if you are native to these fair, untamed romantic acres, is pronounced Grouuuuuuuuuse. Aye, d’ye get that? Grouuuuuuuse.

The Black Grouuuuuse (the number of u’s may vary).You would think that the Black Grouuuuuuuuse es Scottish, but nooo, he’s from that wee place full of Sassernachs the other side of Hadrian’s Wall, them lot who thinks they’re