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    The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased
    The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased
    The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased
    Ebook181 pages1 hour

    The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased

    By Claude Needham

    4/5

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    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGateways Books Tapes
    Release dateDec 1, 2000
    ISBN9780895564658
    The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased

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      Book preview

      The Original Handbook for the Recently Deceased - Claude Needham

      made.

      Apres Vie Check List A Basic Inventory

      If you do not take it with you, or send it ahead, you will not have it.

      Do you have a well-trained attention?

      Do you have at least a partially-trained attention?

      Do you have an attitude?

      Is this attitude like Whoa! That dude’s got an attitude or is it something like Yeah, sure let’s give it a go?

      Do you recognize that you’re dead? Or, do you still think that you’re alive?

      When you mutter under your breath to yourself, is anyone listening?

      When you see a naked hunk or babe of the appropriate sex do you get like all hot and anxious—if you know what I mean?

      Do you still have the habit of breathing?

      How about your heartbeat—is it still going?

      Do you have an irresistible urge to jump back into anything that resembles your previous life—even if it might only be a slightly warmed meat loaf sandwich?

      Are you carrying any weapons? If so, what caliber?

      Do you have any cookies or other goodies on you?

      Would you enter this warm, dark, safe looking hallway if I promised you a cookie?

      Do you have pockets?

      Do you have hands?

      Do you have any BardoMania trading cards in your hands or pockets?

      Do you have a copy of the Handbook for the Recently Deceased?

      It’s ten o’clock, do you know what time it is?

      Do you have matches and a pocket knife?

      Is your butt in the front or in the back?

      Do you have a face? If so, where is it?

      What’s your attitude about just sitting in one spot for a very long time, or do you have something really important to get back to?

      If you had to choose between having 1) Sex, 2) A cheeseburger, 3) A DeSoto four door, 4) A safe warm place to poo, or 5) none of the above ever again, which would you choose?

      If you could trade your kingdom, would you trade it for a 1) horse, 2) whores, 3) horrors, 4) hors, 5) horahs, 6) horst, 7) Horus, 8) houri, or 9) instructions to the nearest BardoMania Shop?

      If the answer to the above question is you would trade your kingdom for instructions to the nearest BardoMania Shop, then the next chapter will be of interest to you. If your answer was any of the other sound-alikes you will want to read the lovely chapter, What to do if you have evil, foul, disgusting, low-life, rebirth-seductive primate tendencies and/or a bad opinion of yourself. Or, perhaps, if you do not wish to confront even the smallest truth about yourself, you would rather proceed to the nearest escalator, dark hallway, frantically panting couple, small safe space or any one of several billion possible rebirth stations.

      What to do if you have evil, foul, disgusting, low-life, rebirth-seductive primate tendencies and/or a bad opinion of yourself.

      Here’s the part where we talk about cleansing radiations. They are your friend. They don’t ask to borrow money, they don’t hassle you for being a creep, they don’t lay an attitude on you, they don’t want you to take out the garbage, they don’t expect you to remember major or minor holidays, they don’t have any (not any) expectations of you. In fact, all that the cleansing radiations do is fry away various components of karmic attachments and tendencies, violent aggression, antagonism, anger, hatred, pride, arrogance, inability to wonder, intense desire, passions, uncontrollable hungers, envy, jealousy, rivalry, competitiveness, unconsciousness, apathy and sleep. Real bummers of companions if you want to keep any of that stuff around. The attitude of the cleansing radiations is something like if it can be fried off, it should be.

      Actually there isn’t much to talk about. When the cleansing radiations hit you will probably run freaking away as fast as you can. Or perhaps you are more the tighten-up-so-tense-that-even-if-the-cleansing-radiations-get-through-they-can’t-have-much-of-an-effect type. This is rather unfortunate if you wish to be a socially savvy bardo voyager, but at least you get to keep all that nifty stuff that you collected on your various sojourns to the Urth and other phenomenal vacation spots.

      If by some quirk of fate you heard about these cleansing radiations while you were alive and could bring yourself to practice new habits, then maybe you have half a chance.

      Just on the off chance that you may remember any of this book during your next incarnation — which you are most likely going to enter sometime during the next few minutes of subjective time, we will give you the Great and Glorious Partial Instructions For What To Do With The Cleansing Radiations.

      The Great and Glorious Partial Instructions For What To Do With The Cleansing Radiations

      Step 1 ) Find a source of cleansing radiations. (Urthside BardoMania shops sell an interesting variety of these.)

      Step 2) Sit, stand, crawl, writhe or whatever as long as you are there in front of the radiations.

      Step 3) Somehow welcome the radiations and try to let them do their work without too much resistance.

      Step 4) Do this a whole bunch.

      Step 5) Try to be grateful that you are getting fried in this way and not something even more revolting.

      Step 6) Look for cleansing radiations in the place where you find them.

      On the off chance that you are not in such rotten shape and a little spot cleaning might be sufficient to get you presentable for polite bardo company, try to get your nonphenomenal butt to a BardoMania shop on this side of the veil. They have radiation booths that can chip off the worst of it.

      The trick question is Have you got enough of your bardo warts burnt away so that you can get past the shocking ambushes of the bardo that lay between here and the next BardoMania Shop? If you are clean enough to make it to the next shop you can spruce up a bit.

      You can try a mantrum from the list below as you walk to the shop.

      I can wait at least until after I find a BardoMania Shop to worry about finding a soul-mate. You know, someone that is really spiritual, on the path to higher consciousness and has a great bod.

      I don’t need a hamburger right this minute.

      I can beat the ‘leftover digestive products’ out of that little creep after I come back from the BardoMania Shop.

      Even if the BardoMania clerk is a Venusian scum, I can overcome my pride and arrogance just long enough to schedule a cleansing radiation session from the little wart.

      Just because I’m not here he will get her, but that is okay, at least until I visit the shop for one cleansing session.

      If you can keep it together just long enough to make it to a BardoMania shop you may have a 1 quadrillionth of a chance of making it through the Bardo. If you are going to let the impossibility of the task get in the way of trying, then everything that all those folks said about you is true—and you are a doo-doo shee-shee head as well.

      The Next Chapter

      How to Find a BardoMania Shop

      If you are wearing red shoes, tap your heels together and repeat after me There’s no place like a BardoMania Shop, There’s no place like a BardoMania Shop, There’s no place like a BardoMania Shop.

      If the above did not transport you instantly and without delay to a BardoMania Shop, you will need to try a more direct approach.

      The Great and Amazing First Steps to Finding a BardoMania Shop

      Step 1) Check your pockets (if you have any) for a two-for-one ticket to a BardoMania shop—there is a map on the back.

      Step 2) Look for a sign or poster in the local vicinity.

      Step 3) Look for any individual wearing a BardoMania uniform—follow them. They are either your friend, a demon sent to deceive you or someone just as lost as you, and, whichever case, it should prove to be interesting.

      If you are wearing a BardoMania uniform, and you have developed the habit of handing out two-for-one tickets during your life on planet Urth, then simply head back to the BardoMania Shop for extra tickets. Let your habits carry you back the same way that an old plug can find its way back to the barn, especially at meal times.

      O’ great and glorious bardo voyager what do you do if none of the above suggestions have any relevance to your situation?

      Well, in a situation such as this, the first

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