Lifescripts: What to Say to Get What You Want in Life's Toughest Situations

By Stephen M. Pollan and Mark Levine

Expertly navigate any workplace conversation and come out on top

When confronted with difficult situations in the workplace, many people are at a loss for words. That’s why New York Times bestselling authors Stephen M. Pollan and Mark Levine created Lifescripts: What to Say to Get What You Want in Life's Toughest Situations. Using two-color flowcharts, Lifescripts maps out 109 difficult conversations, guiding you through discussion openers and effective responses reach the desired result. This completely revised and updated edition includes nearly 50 new business-focused scripts covering everything from apologizing for a misdirected email to requesting better meeting manners.

Inside, you’ll find scripts to fit any situation you’re confronting at work. Use the signature Lifescripts visual flowcharts to work your way through exactly how the conversation should go. Be it boosting employee morale or getting the raise you deserve, when the time comes, you’ll be prepared not only with the right words and phrases, but with the confidence you need to get what you want.

• Work your way through conversation scripts for terminations, performance reviews, negotiating job offers, asking for raises, and much more
• Learn a unique set of icebreakers, pitches, questions, answers, and defenses for each difficult conversation
• Easily develop a winning conversational strategy using the signature visual flowcharts unique to Lifescripts
• Get strategic tips on attitude, timing, preparation, and behavior to help make any conversation a success

This revised Third Edition of Lifescripts is here to help employees and managers communicate even more clearly and effectively. Whatever the situation, Lifescripts provides a road map to navigate the most perplexing, problematic dialogues for success.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wiley
• Release date: Mar 27, 2019
• ISBN: 9781119571964

Stephen M. Pollan

Stephen M Pollan is a New York City-based attorney, financial advisor, and life coach.

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Lifescripts was originally published in 1996. At the time, few people thought that there was a market for a book that told people exactly what to say to get what they want in difficult conversations. However, Stuart Krichevsky of the Stuart Krichevsky Literary Agency believed in the project. Lifescripts is just one out of hundreds of confirmations of Stuart's wisdom. His knowledge of the publishing industry is only surpassed by his loyalty and humanity.

Over the years Lifescripts became a cottage industry, expanding into ever wider areas. That required gathering input from a number of insightful and savvy individuals: Michael Caplan, Jonathan Epps, Andrew Frothingham, Erik Kolbell, Deirdre Martin, William Martin, Nick Morrow, Allison Noel, Aldo Pascarella, and Roni Beth Tower. Joining that list of experts in this new edition is Frankie Martin, whose expertise on managing a multigenerational, multicultural, and gender diverse workforce is unsurpassed. Thanks to all of these experts who've helped Lifescripts remain a powerful tool to empower readers to get the most they can out of life.

INTRODUCTION

To get what you want in life's toughest dialogues you need to plan exactly what to say: You need to develop a lifescript. No one, no matter how eloquent or quick witted, can possibly be ready to instinctively deal with every difficult conversation that comes up in today's workplace. And the consequences of saying the wrong thing, even unintentionally, get more serious with every passing year. Poorly chosen words may not just mean you don't get what you want; they could put your career or company in danger.

The 109 lifescripts in this book have been chosen to address the most common problematic dialogues in today's workplace. Each lifescript begins with a general discussion of the strategy you should use in the dialogue, touching on the general outlines of how the conversation should go. Next will be descriptions of the attitude you should project, timing you should follow, and behavior you should exhibit to get what you want from the dialogue. Turn the page and you'll find a flowchart, which offers a plan for how the conversation should proceed, including an icebreaker if you'll be starting the dialogue. You'll find potential pitches and responses to every likely statement or question by the other person. You can use the exact words in the script, or you can adjust them to fit your own speaking style. After the script you'll find potential adaptations of the lifescript for other situations and a simple list of key points that can serve as a crib sheet for right before your conversation.

Lifescripts has remained a perennial bestseller not just because it's a collection of effective icebreakers, pitches, questions, answers, and retorts. It's a complete approach to effective one‐on‐one communications you can apply to situations in the business of living, as well as business. There's no way any single book could cover every possible scenario you'll face in your career. Read through the lifescripts and you'll see they're the expression of a practical communications philosophy. Use them and over time you'll gradually absorb the philosophy and begin instinctively applying it to all your important one‐on‐one conversations.

To speed up your adoption of the Lifescripts approach here's a brief outline of its core tenets.

A DIALOGUE REQUIRES A BACK AND FORTH VERBAL EXCHANGE

To persuade someone you need to engage in a back and forth exchange. Texts, emails, instant messages, and social media may have revolutionized business and personal communications, but none of them allow for a dialogue. They won't convince your supervisor to give you a salary increase, for example. That requires you to make your case and respond to your supervisor's questions and concerns.

Communication mediums that are one‐sided do have their place in a lifescript situation: They can allow you to make a point without contradiction or interruption. Emails, for example, are convenient and effective replacements for memos that could detail your argument before a dialogue or document your points afterwards. Texts can be an excellent way to reschedule a meeting or conversation.

FACE‐TO‐FACE IS ALWAYS BEST

Lifescripts provide the exact words you should use, but they also offer guidance on attitude and behavior. That's because there's often a context to language that can only be understood by hearing tone and inferring intent. It's much easier to convey and understand the subtext of language when you're face‐to‐face with the other person because there's body language as well as tone. If your goal is to get what you want, it's always better to have a dialogue face‐to‐face so you can better convey your feelings and read the feelings of the other person.

Having a conversation face‐to‐face also demonstrates how seriously you take an issue. The more convenient the communications medium you use for an exchange, the less serious you appear to take it. Sending a text tells the other party you can't even be bothered to talk to them on the phone. Making a phone call tells the other party you can't be bothered to sit with them and have a conversation. Physically meeting with another person shows that you take the subject of the conversation so seriously that you're willing to forego the convenience of other means of communication. Meeting face‐to‐face always increases your chances of getting your way.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Where you hold those face‐to‐face meetings can impact your odds of getting what you want from a dialogue. The location of a meeting sends a subtle message about your attitude toward the topic and the other party, and the power differential between the two parties.

When you go to another person's office to speak with them you are humbling yourself to some degree. You are going to a place where they feel comfortable, where they are in charge. You are putting yourself in the position of a supplicant, even if just subconsciously. That will improve your chances if you are asking something of the other party, whether tangible, like a salary increase, or intangible, like forgiveness. This bonus will be even greater if you are normally in a position of authority over the other party. On the other hand, asking someone to come to your office for a meeting is an obvious signal that you have some power over them. That will increase your chances of getting what you want, even if the subject is outside your normal scope of authority.

STEER THE CONVERSATION

There are huge benefits to preparing exactly what to say in a difficult conversation. You won't be as nervous as if you were winging it. Your presentation will be smoother, and as a result, you'll seem more commanding. Most of all, preparation lets you steer the conversation in the direction you want it to go. Do this subtly, as is done in the lifescripts in this book, and you'll control the dialogue without appearing scheming.

The most obvious element of steering a conversation is being the one who starts the discussion. But that's not always possible. By choosing your words carefully you can narrow the other party's responses, whether you're initiating the dialogue or responding to the other party. That will let you steer them to responses which are better for you and for which you've prepared your own responses.

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY

It's human nature to be indirect in conversations, whether due to embarrassment, being unwilling to admit error, or lack of confidence. Being direct will help you get what you want by signaling your honesty, humility, and confidence. For example, don't just ask for a salary increase, ask for a specific amount and provide the reasons for your number and request. By being specific the dialogue will usually center on the number rather than on whether or not you deserve an increase.

Saying what you need to say is especially important when apologizing. The words I'm sorry, are powerful but rarely used. You're apologizing because you offended or hurt someone so don't say you're sorry if they were offended or hurt. And show that you understand the impact of your offense by spelling out that impact.

AVOID, ABSORB, AND DEFLECT ANGER

Displays of anger are rarely if ever effective in helping you get what you want in a dialogue. They are expressions of frustration rather than power. People show their anger because on some level they know they don't have a good argument or any power in the situation. Instead of showing anger, it's always better to calmly say that you're angry and explain why. Ironically, a statement of controlled anger usually has a greater impact than a display of anger.

If the other party in the dialogue displays anger either absorb it or deflect. Absorb anger by saying that you understand their feelings and by not responding in kind. Deflecting anger is the opposite response. Say you don't understand why they're angry with you and ask if they're angry about something other than the subject under discussion.

TAILOR YOUR APPROACH BASED ON DEMOGRAPHICS

It's possible that there are three different generations in your workplace: Millennials (1981–2000), Generation X (1965–1980), and Baby Boomers (1946–1964). Each generation has its own unique communication patterns. While the lifescripts in this book were written to work with members of any generation, you can increase their effectiveness by understanding how each generation views work and approaches communications.

Baby Boomers tend to view their careers as a lifelong adventure. They live to work. They prefer face‐to‐face communications and are often open to sacrificing personal desires for organizational need. They respect hierarchy and stability.

GenXers like work that is a challenge but look for work/life balance. As a result, they're looking for efficiency over longer hours. They usually prefer the telephone to face‐to‐face conversations.

Millennials are more receptive to shorter conversational discussions than longer formal dialogues. They see their work as a means to an end. They also respond better to specific instructions and directions.

MAKE SURE YOUR COMMUNICATION IS MULTICULTURAL AND GENDER NEUTRAL

The American workplace is more diverse than ever. It's likely your workplace will have individuals from different cultures and with varied gender identities. However, varying your communications to fit different cultures or gender identities, even for the best of motives, means you're treating people differently based on their culture or gender identification. Instead, your goal is to make your communication as culturally and gender neutral as possible.

The first way to maintain neutrality is to be entirely businesslike. Efforts to be personally friendly are not worth the risk of offense. Second, be culturally bland. That means not mentioning religious holidays, family issues, or cultural matters—even those holidays considered mainstream American holidays—at all. Finally, the same is true for gender issues. Make no assumptions about gender roles. Avoid gender‐specific language completely, even if it means violating grammar rules.

A FINAL THOUGHT

In a few of the lifescripts in this book you'll notice lines such as, I've already notified the boss about this, which effectively disarm threats from the other party. The assumption is you're actually going to do what the lifescript says. Of course, that doesn't mean you have to in order to use the line. That's something you'll have to decide for yourself. But here's one more word of advice: The most effective lifescripts are truthful.

I

Lifescripts

for Dealing with Supervisors

1

Meeting Your New Supervisor

STRATEGY

Your goal when meeting your new supervisor is to clearly demonstrate you're not a problem. You're smart, but not so smart as to possibly be construed as any kind of threat. If you're given the opportunity, make a full verbal presentation and then leave behind a formal memo outlining what you presented. If you're told there's no time, make your elevator pitch and set up another appointment; don't leave behind the full memo since it could be used to avoid a full meeting. If you're confronted with a problem that you anticipated, frame it as an obstacle and launch into your pitch. If you're surprised, explain that the problem is news to you and offer to get back to the supervisor with information as soon as possible.

TACTICS

Attitude: Be welcoming but entirely businesslike. You're a good soldier with a sense of urgency.

Preparation: Draft a formal memo reporting on the status of all your projects, your staff, and your budget projections. Use this memo to prepare an oral presentation that touches on all the important points. Then, develop an elevator pitch.

Timing: Initiate the meeting by setting up an appointment with the supervisor or their assistant.

Behavior: Dress the way you normally would at work. Make sure to maintain eye contact and use your formal body language.

Flow diagram depicting a course of action for 1. Meeting Your New Supervisor with an opening statement, four situations, and five responses.

ADAPTATIONS

This script can be modified to:

Meet one of your company's major clients or customers.

KEY POINTS

Initiate the contact.

Have a detailed memo, a full verbal presentation, and an elevator pitch prepared.

If you're short on time use your elevator pitch and set up another meeting.

Use the written memo as a leave‐behind, but only to back up your full verbal presentation.

2

Asking Your Supervisor for a Raise Outside of the Annual Review Process

STRATEGY

The days of individuals asking for raises is gone for all but the smallest businesses. Today most companies create a range of percentage salary increases, based on the company's performance, which are then linked to annual performance reviews. As a result, discussions revolve around the performance review rather than the raise. The only way to get a raise outside of this system is to leverage a job offer from another company. Unfortunately, even if this effort is successful you'll likely be marked as a flight risk and become number one on your supervisor's hit list. The answer is to either just accept the other offer and leave or ask for an employment contract or termination agreement in addition to a matching raise. This is probably a very difficult request for a supervisor or company to meet. The most you can expect is that your supervisor will do their best and get back to you with an answer. In that case, make sure to add time pressure since you already have another company waiting to hear from you. A savvy supervisor may offer you something other than money or match the raise but not the termination package. Keep in mind: Neither of those counteroffers will keep you from being targeted because of this.

TACTICS

Attitude: You love your current job, but you have to place the financial needs of your family first. No one can argue with that.

Flow diagram depicting a course of action for 2. Asking Your Supervisor for a Raise with an opening statement, four situations, and two responses.

Preparation: Have all the details about the new salary offer in hand and consider if there are any non‐financial counteroffers that could make it worth staying.

Timing: Make this approach as soon as you have a formal offer from the other employer.

Behavior: Do this in person if possible.

ADAPTATIONS

This script can be modified to:

Leave a long‐term supplier, vendor, or professional.

KEY POINTS

Express your love for your job and your desire to stay, but the importance of your family's financial security.

Insist on getting the security of an employment contract or termination agreement if you're going to stay.

Be ready to weigh non‐financial offers, if they include that termination agreement.

Give your supervisor time to research their options, but make sure to provide a deadline.

3

Having Your Pay Cut

STRATEGY

The bad news is your pay is being cut. The good news is that you weren't fired. Accept that there's no appealing this decision. There was a target on your back because of your salary. That target has, in theory, been removed. Going over your supervisor's head in a fruitless effort to reverse the decision will just put the target back. Instead, either ask for the reduction to be phased in gradually or for flex time. This cut will have an impact on your personal finances and either of these two options will give you a chance to deal with that impact. Don't hesitate