Diary of a Mad Deaf Woman

By Beth Hoyer

Diary of a Mad Deaf Woman. Have you ever wondered what the mind of a person with schizophrenia is like? It is chaotic, at times distress and always very inspirational. This is the diary of a mentally ill woman who is also deaf. It is creative, and creates understanding and sympathy for people who deal with oppressive inner voices, even that of a person who has never heard sound in her life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Beth Hoyer
• Release date: Jan 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463845295

Beth Hoyer

I'm currently a lover of cats. I love to type stories on my computer for hours. I like the science fiction fantasy genre with romance thrown in it when it comes to my stories. I like to take hikes through forests snapping photos to use as my covers for my stories. I'm an aspiring author of science fiction fantasy.AccomplishmentWe that seek goals and dreams,Seek many ways for the dreams,To be accomplished.We that seek the path to the goal,Know there will be many paths.Choosing the right one,Will take time.We that dream the impossible,To be accomplished,Will face many,Obstacles, bridges,And challenges,To be overcome in time.It will take time for,There’s no challenge too great,Nor too small that waits,To be conquered.

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Diary of a Mad Deaf Woman

By Beth Hoyer

Copyright Beth Hoyer 2012

Published at Smashwords

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this eBook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Well my therapist says I should write down what’s bothering me while having a mental illness so here goes since I decided to type them down via computer instead of written word:

Hi I'm a mad deaf woman no joke on the name. I’m writing this as a series of letters to Elizabeth as my way of coping with a mental illness of hearing a voice in my mind insulting me too much with no break from that and that I feel inclined to write this way as letters. I would like people to know what my life is like having a mental illness while having a hearing disability of being deaf. I decided to write letters anyway because I wanted to and I just felt like it. I feel like I would like people to know what’s my life is like. I will be ending them with Love me because I felt like it.

Dear Elizabeth,

I have problems and things I would like to share with you. Here's one, the truth I suffer from a mental illness I found out what it’s called Schizophrenia. A chemical imbalance (from adult teacher at the high school who I'm friendly with who I told of the mental illness) in my brain has me hearing a voice in my mind not by my ears that says various things to me and have at the moment of this letter insulting me which requires me to have medicines to take care of the problem. The chemical imbalance I call the voice calls me names such as:

Pig

You’re a pig."

I've been fighting this since the illness manifested in my junior year of high school late that time.

During that time my friends were having arguments and fighting among each other. It was friend against friend with me in the middle. One of them told me one night while sleeping over at her house during that time as a seventeen year old that her problems of taking out her anger onto her friends were related to finding out that they were insulting her about her weight calling her names hence she having problems with her weight at the moment. I noticed that this friend had a notebook she was jotting notes she claimed for weight issues so while she was sleeping I read an entry in her diary due to nosiness and read:

You’re a pig.

To myself and then suddenly the words started like an echo in my head, echoing the words over and over. I started writing to myself in diaries before the chemical imbalance started and I still do to this day. It took me a long time to write down the insulting words too. I was really upset and depressed a lot too. I would worry about things too. I would often read a prayer each night to help me feel better. I wanted religion to stop the chemical imbalance but no matter how I prayed for a miracle this didn’t seem to help so I turned to writing. Writing did help me feel better about myself when I do this. It helps me feel the chemical imbalance have no power over me despite saying something nasty to me and tearing my mood down quite a bit. I'm feeling tense right now. I feel like I want to stop typing this letter to you but I have to continue. The chemical imbalance insulted me calling me:

Pig.'

And that word kept repeating over and over. It was awful. I found out I wasn't happy putting up with this. I was sad a lot. I felt suicidal. I started staying up late as two am in the morning with the lack of motivation to sleep at an early hour even on school nights to attend high school. I would sleep late as noon or later on weekends despite having to get up at 6am for high school back then. It was a sad period in my life that I didn’t tell anyone about this problem despite appearing to look like I wasn’t getting enough sleep while attending high school. Then I discovered that reading books were an escape from the chemical imbalance’s chatter. I found out this after a teacher assigned us students in an English class to read a book for a book report. The book reading helped me escape from the miserable world and had me imagine many things. It's been interesting writing a letter to you on the computer. I usually copy what I write from a journal. Its not easy writing journal entries but I learned to cope.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

It took me some time of begging my parents to get me to a therapist due to that I figured out that I had a problem such as the chemical imbalance problem hitting me and needed someone to talk to about it. They got me to E which I'm using letters for people's names to protect people's privacy if this journal wounds up in the wrong hands like my friend's journal wound up in some boy's hand who spread the news of her weight problem through school. This friend wound up according to my Mom going to some private school for weight issues after I asked about her. Being with E was a relief for I was able to talk to her on anything hitting me including telling her what was really bothering me. I admitted that I hear a voice insulting me calling me

Pig.

I also admitted that I was scared and depressed. It scared me that I got suicidal a lot. It was E who told me to write down the nasty insulting mental illness words at first on paper but she did suggest that I try typing them down due to how horrible my handwriting was. I didn’t take her suggestion of writing them down for a long time at first till I dropped out of High School despite having problems with the mental illness. I managed to finish my junior year but decided not to go back to school. I told my parents that I wasn't going back due to mental illness problems but my Mother wound up yelling at me while Dad told me in my presence of Mom that I should give all summer to make up my mind on this instead.. I finally managed to do the typing after finding that E was having problems with reading my handwriting whenever I see her to show her my journals. E was easy to talk to because she knew sign language which is communication via hands. I learned sign language for years and I only saw E for a couple nights. According to my parents she was expensive but she couldn’t prescribe pills but it was nice talking to her. E recommended me to another therapist M who could prescribe pills. I saw M but I didn't have a close rapport like I had with E. She was no nonsense. She prescribed me some pills Mom would not let me take. Mom did not want me to take any pills due to thinking that they would make me act stupid. I don’t know where she got this idea anyway so I obeyed her by not taking the pills at all.

One summer night in June the chemical imbalance told me to kill my father gave me images of stabbing him. I complained that to C a clinician therapist via e-mail I managed to get therapy from due to that I moved out of town away from E and M’s offices area. My parents decided that I was bullied at school hence my wishes to drop out wound up moving to another town in another part of the state in the Northwestern part of it instead of near the shoreline area I was living at first. I'm told by my parents that I'm going to school period once summer was over whether I liked it or not.

Anyway as I was saying I also got the chemical imbalance I dub the mental illness telling me to kill myself. I refused and wrote this down. I was really upset about it. It's not the first time I got chemical imbalance telling me to kill myself. I tried to kill myself when the chemical imbalance started week in May before I started seeing C the therapist a month later after I moved to where I could get therapy from him. At one point the chemical imbalance got me sad and depressed so after high school let out for the day I wrote myself a suicide note while out on a park bench then walked home intending to drink some horrible chemical cleaner from the bathroom inside there at home. I was thinking of poisoning myself to death. I went into the bathroom and took a look at the drain cleaners attempting to pick one to drink. It was Mom who found me in the bathroom and got me to admit what was making me so upset due to finding me crying while in there. I complained about the mental illness but I doubt that Mom took me seriously when I voiced my complaint. I also I confessed I didn’t lock the door at this time hence she able to barge into the bathroom and caught me holding a drain cleaner in my hand. I admitted wanting to drink the drain cleaner due to wanting to kill myself because of the chemical imbalance's chatter. Mom and I had a heart to heart talk. Mom was nearly in tears when she talked to me about me committing suicide and what it'll do to her as in making her really devastated but she omitted saying anything related to the chemical imbalance. I later told this scene to E. She noticed that I smiled a bit each time I talked about the attempt suicide. I figured out according to her talk on my behavior that I unknowingly wanted attention and I got it from my parents.

I went to the mall today driven by my Dad who lets me wander around by myself while he does his thing. Whenever I'm done I would contact him via cell phone text. Anyway the chemical imbalance told me to go over the railing from the upper level. It told me to grab one of the large hanging ornaments. I got images of doing it. I felt scared and t freaked me out scared the living out of me that I got some money from the ATM machine and brought a jacket. It seemed that retail shopping seemed to help me overcome this problem. Unfortunately I don’t want to depend on this solution or I’ll be broke from all this buying and driving my parents crazy with all this shopping to buy things.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

I started reading, no continued reading a trilogy. I read a poem about character animals in the book and started hearing:

Don't read this book.

Over and over again, I asked why and hear:

Cause I said so.

That's the exact saying my mother used to say. She would say it over and over that it's drilled in my head. She said it when she gave me a lecture for misbehaving also for putting her foot down on subjects and arguments. Apparently the poetry in that book is why I can't read the book according to the chemical imbalance.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

I was in the hospital. I complained via e-mail to my clinician C about the chemical imbalance telling me to kill my father and myself. Oh for some unexplained reason my Mom decided to live in the shoreline of the state so she moved down there and got a job at a local grocery store while I live with my Dad. I'm still clueless if my parents are separated, divorced or still staying together married. The chemical imbalances talk scared the heck out of me. Well while at the mall, remember I told you, I had the chemical imbalance telling me to throw myself over the railing from the upper level at a mall. C and another Doctor when I arrived to there for therapy on an appointment wound up insisting that I go to the hospital for a check out along with both escorted me to the emergency room. I got my blood pressure checked by a nurse. Then I was escorted inside further the hospital to a waiting room having rooms with beds some appearing to have restraints in them. There even was an interpreter for me to communicate with the doctor there but the interpreting didn’t last long for I was left alone in that room for awhile. Also told to stay in the room and not come out period by the nurse on duty there. I didn’t have much to do while in that room but I was allowed my two books and magazine I brought along in a backpack to read but I didn't read the books. I was so bored with those books of mine that I read a magazine instead. Then the doctors came and did a physical test for my sanity involving me eyeing their finger along with running it my face to know how my touch sense was felt. It resulted of me being numb on my right side according to their touch senses test. I missed a TV show I regularly watch on Tuesdays while I was there. Dad came to my surprised and heard what the doctors asked me questions. It was really boring. I couldn't wait to get out of here. I took the first opportunity to leave. Dad drove me home. I'm not happy having to type this to you. I’m feeling really defensive. I'm feeling like I don’t like repeating what I wrote in my journal. I have a journal which I use for writing down stuff. I've been doing it for years. It helped me feel better about myself. I also use the journal for complaints. I also use it for recording things too.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

I heard:

Pig.

Today. I've been hearing it while during a visit at a mall. I heard that P word when I stopped reading a book. I started hearing:

You’re a Pig.

I'm still hearing it now. I feel relieved to have typed this to you. I feel like the word has no power over me when I write it down or type it. I have to put up with having a voice in my head telling me what to do. It told me how to dress my body along with wearing my hair in a certain style along with how I can leave my bedroom while holding an animal object in my hand like walking all four directions while holding the object then leaving the room. At first I thought it the chemical imbalance was a normal thing for people to have before I found out it was actually a mental illness by doing some research on it. I tried this for a couple days but it was awful.

Sometimes at night when I come in the house I hear some growling sound in my mind. I think I’ve feared imaginary things that walk during the dark time. I started hearing:

Take a shower now.

I'm glad I was able to get this out of the open. Being able to type this is a good thing. I find I can type this without feeling restrained. I feel like I can't write everything down when I write in my journal due to fears of the chemical imbalance retaliating against me by giving me an insult to tear me down. Typing a letter helps me feel better and it helps me be able to get things off my chest. I'm so glad.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

What really annoys me is the chemical imbalance is trying to convince me being infected with a tapeworm a parasite that attaches to the stomach lining of organisms and grows for lengthy lengths while inside. I get:

Tapeworm inside you.

A few times. I also have been feeling stabbing pains in my abdomen area. I don't know if it's true or not. I'm delusional about this. This really scares me. I told this to my therapist clinician C. He thinks I forgot what he told me about this. I had stabbing pain last night while feeling sick. I hope I'm not infected. I'm wondering is there a test to see if I'm infected? I’m so scared and freaked out about what the chemical imbalance said to me.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

While in the shower last night, I was ordered to open a window. I heard:

Open a window.

I felt tensed up so I opened the window and felt better. I heard:

Your problems left.

I still have some pain on the side of my face. I've been hearing:

Pig, you’re a Pig.

All day today. I heard it now. I heard it on the way to Grandmas. I spent my time having my nose in a book due to that my reading kind of drowns out the chemical imbalance’s chatter and this helps me get my mind off having a mental illness. It's nice that I'm reading books for that have been a good help with tolerating the chemical imbalance’s chatter by letting my mind wander whenever I read a book.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

Ugh. Yesterday I took my glasses off to wipe them on the way home from the mall. Yes I wear glasses for reading only. I took them off due to finding water getting onto them from an open window of rain pouring inside the car due to how hot the weather was outside. Dad who drove me refused to use the air conditioner.

I instantly heard:

Wash your face.

Wipe your face.

When I asked why mentally I got a:

Cause I said so.

Mom says that saying over and over. This computer is so slow that I'm getting bored already. Boy is I glad to type my complaints.

By the way the pizza people at the mall when I ate lunch gave me the wrong soda. I asked for an orange soda and got something else. I didn't do anything about the soda but drank it. The chemical imbalance proceeded to say:

Wrong soda.

Repeatedly told me to:

Bring it back.

I didn't. I only drank a few sips of that soda before throwing it out. I also had a few sips of dad's diet soda. Yech wasn't very tasteful.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

I went to a mall another one than the one I went to in a previous letter. Dad and I like to visit malls around the state but Dad has put his foot down on driving me to malls that take over an hour to get to there. He insisted on an hour limit for driving to a mall regardless of traffic being bad. My choices of malls haven't been much anyway. Well while at the mall I had a hard time wanting to buy products. I was bothered by the chemical imbalance telling me:

Buy it.

And:

Don't buy it.

I wanted to buy a book due to the bookstore was having a sale for the series books, buy one and get second one fifty percent off. I was tempted but the chemical imbalance bothered me. I looked in the new age store but the smell drove me off. I also got something like:

Go in.

Don't go in.

I don't remember. It was stinky of smoky smell of intense in there. Yuck. I had to go outside just to breathe some air.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

The chemical Imbalance proceeded to tell me:

You’re a pig.

Pig.

While I was exercising. I noticed that when I exercise I'm not thinking. I'm busy exercising to think. I just exercised working out.

I've been having some stabbing pains in my abdomen area. It comes and goes. I also get this:

It moved.

Followed by stabbing pain. The chemical Imbalance is trying to convince me I'm infected with a tapeworm hence the it. I also get:

It's moving.

Followed by stabbing pain in my side and the abdomen area. I see the doctor for physical for an appointment so I ought to complain about that. I wonder why I get these stabbing pains. I hope it's not a parasite but just muscle spasms.

Love,

Me

Dear Elizabeth,

I woke up this morning with a chorus of:

Take a shower now.

It's been like that all day. I got:

Too much power.

Ringing in my ears. I get this saying whenever I'm in the shower. I get it every time I put on shampoo. I don't want to take a shower. I'll take one tonight. It's ridiculous to take one. I'm glad I'm typing this down to you. I went out today. I was told to:

Cover head.

Cover hands.

Along with this saying:

Take a shower now.

I've been