Mr. Always Right, Until Along Came a Woman

By Michael Edwards

In 2007, Thomas Kearney had it all. He had just become the youngest bank president in US history and was living in the penthouse suite atop the Ritz Carlton on Miracle Mile in Chicago. Thomas loved Chicago, and Chicago loved him. After losing his dream job due to the banking collapse of 2008, Thomas moved back to the Southside and took a job working as a day trader.

Down but not out, he nevertheless remains a recluseuntil the day he attends the Cog Hill PGA event with a VIP pass he got from a friend. Its a day that changes his life forever and helps push him down the road to regaining his fameas well as winning back the only girl he has ever loved.

Thomas recaptures his notoriety with the help of two of his friends, Washington Roosevelt and Jack Hutchinson. The three of them, with the assistance of Renee Palmer, come roaring back to life and take the world by storm in this funny, whimsical rise to fame and fortune beyond their wildest dreams.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Apr 16, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491730775

Michael Edwards

Michael Edwards was born in Brixton and left school at fifteen to become a cabinet maker’s apprentice. He has worked in the City, as a flour factor and cereals importer, a director of a food packing company, and as a legal archivist. He lives in Bournemouth with his wife Ann.

Book preview

An Eventful Day

Thomas lost track of time as he reminisced about his first date with Renee during his entire drive to Cog Hill. Before long, he was easing his Mercedes into VIP parking at 10:15 a.m. The tournament didn’t begin until 11:30, but Thomas wanted to get there early to have a couple of drinks and chat with Michael, the bartender, if he was still working there. After all, it’d been two years since Thomas was last at Cog Hill.

Before he stepped out of the car, he grabbed his laminated VIP pass from the console and put it around his neck. As he made his way to the bar inside the clubhouse, he encountered a rather large, beer-bellied man dressed in plaid shorts, long white socks and a visor with binoculars hanging from his neck. Thomas stopped in front of the man and stared at him. His eyes steadily, yet intentionally made their way from his visor to his shorts and continued south to the wretched long white socks he was wearing. Thomas sarcastically quipped, I see Wal-Mart had a sale. He gave the man a slight grin, but didn’t give him a chance to respond. He kept walking until he reached the bar.

Michael, the bartender, immediately recognized Thomas and enthusiastically greeted him. Mr. Kearney, it’s been a long time. Where have you been hiding?

Thomas removed his sunglasses and replied, Just working, my friend. How’s life treating you?

It’s going to be a real busy day for me, Mr. Kearney.

Please, call me Thomas.

Okay, Thomas. What will it be?

A double Bloody Mary should help take the edge off.

It can’t hurt, chuckled Michael.

Thomas slowly looked around the room, soaking in the view. He’d always admired the Cog Hill country club for its opulent décor. As he scanned the room, he noticed a couple of women looking his way and one was pointing. Thomas had never cared much for attention. He’d had women buy him drinks and slip him their phone numbers many times. He was a ladies man in every sense of the term, and had certainly had lovers since Renee, but he really only wanted one woman now, and that was Renee.

While sipping his Bloody Mary and making small talk with Michael before deciding to go out onto the course, a woman entered the clubhouse. She was tall and beautiful with a mane of blonde hair that gently skimmed her mid-back. Her shorts and top suggested it was a cool seventy degrees outside. Images of Renee instantly interrupted his thoughts.

Thomas asked Michael who she was. Michael told him that she and her boyfriend used to frequent the clubhouse, but he hadn’t seen her in a few months. He said that he didn’t know anything else about her, other than the obvious fact that she was a looker.

She walked to the bar and stood right next to Thomas. She stared at him for a few seconds as though she was lost and finally asked him, Has anybody told you that you have the prettiest blue eyes?

Not in the last few weeks, he replied and smiled at her, and then asked, Are you here by yourself?

Yes. My ex-boyfriend and I have memberships here, but when I found out he wasn’t coming, I decided to come alone.

Can I buy you a drink? Thomas asked, as he motioned for Michael.

She smiled again and whispered, Do you think the bartender would make me a large Bloody Mary and put it in a to-go cup?

Thomas asked Michael, Would you mind making two more of what I’m drinking, to-go this time? Oh, and easy on the tomato juice, too, he added.

Coming right up, Thomas.

Thanks, Michael, Thomas said before turning his attention back to the girl.

I’m sorry, miss. I’m Thomas Kearney, and you are..?

How rude. I’m so sorry. My name is Jennifer.

Thomas gave one of the drinks to his new friend and threw a twenty on the bar as he reached for his drink. He yelled out to Michael, Mr. Jackson and I thank you. Thomas smiled and shook his hand goodbye.

Thomas turned to Jennifer and asked, Well, are you ready to watch a little golf and have some fun?

She replied, How can I not? I have a drink in one hand and I know what I’m having for dessert later. She giggled a little as they continued walking towards the door. Thomas smiled back at her. His smile, however, was feigned. He was taken aback by her comment, because it dawned on him that Jennifer was nothing more than a tramp. Renee hadn’t slept with Thomas on their first date. Although she looked like Renee, he imagined that a box of rocks had a higher I.Q., and intelligence was high on his prerequisite list.

Jennifer stopped dead in her tracks as she noticed her ex-boyfriend entering the clubhouse. She mumbled under her breath, Oh shit!

What is it, Jennifer? asked Thomas.

That’s my ex-boyfriend who just walked in, and he’s coming our way.

Just promise me that he’s not your husband and everything will be fine.

No, I swear, he’s my ex-boyfriend; that’s all!

The man spotted them right away and was now walking at a brisker pace, right towards them. He stopped in front of them and demanded in a raised voice, Who’s this puke-bag Jennifer? Huh? It’s obvious you’ve lowered your standards if you’re watching this event with this dope.

You could’ve heard a pin drop as all eyes and ears were now on the threesome. The men and women that were talking just moments before were now a captive audience. All of them waited and watched to see how Thomas was going to respond to this unsolicited provocation.

Thomas calmly asked, Are you done?

I’m done when I say I’m done, as he started poking Thomas in the chest.

Thomas said, I think you’re done now. He grabbed the man’s wrist in less than a second, and turned it in its opposite direction thus slowly putting the large man on his knees, writhing in pain. I really hate being embarrassed in public. So, how do you like it? queried Thomas. There were loud gasps by the onlookers who appeared to approve at the manner in which Thomas had dealt with the jealous ex-boyfriend. The women seemed equally as impressed as the men by what Thomas had just executed. No one moved. They just waited for what was going to happen next.

Please, mister. This hurts.

I know, and my name is Mr. Kearney. I’m going to let you up now, but not before you apologize. I want you to repeat after me. Are you ready?

The man was in severe pain as Thomas kept the pressure on his wrist. The man screamed, Yes, yes, I’m ready!

Thomas said, I want you to yell as loud as you can that you are a big, worthless loser.

The man yelled, I’m a big, worthless loser!

The group of people in the clubhouse started laughing. Thomas said, I hope you learned your lesson and left the man on the floor. He then reached for Jennifer’s hand and they continued their walk towards the exit.

Thomas never believed that violence was the remedy to a problem, but he never backed down from confrontations like these. His study of the various martial arts caused him to be confident. Moreover, his father always told him to never back-down from a fight that he knew he could handle. Thomas used his fighting prowess sparingly, because he was a financier, not a roughneck.

Thomas put on his sunglasses and watched his date from behind. She had a walk that would make a grown man bite his lip. Her walk also reminded him of Renee. Renee’s was similar, but was refined, and even more sensual. They stepped outside and Thomas marveled at his surroundings. The sunshine felt good on his shoulders and it felt good to be outdoors.

He caught up to Jennifer and grabbed her hand as they walked across the perfectly manicured golf course. The grass was a brilliant green, despite the two previous days of golf played on it. He was reminiscing about the days of being a member here when he stopped and asked her, Well, what hole would you like to stand at and watch? I like to pick one hole and watch all of the golfers from that vantage point. If you have a membership here, I’m sure you’re familiar with the 15th hole. It’s a par-5 and definitely reachable in two. I like watching their second shots.

Jennifer quickly nodded in agreement and added, There’s also a beer stand and restrooms nearby, so it’s a perfect choice.

They held hands as they continued walking and drinking their super-sized Bloody Marys. They chatted about current events and social issues. Thomas quickly realized how dumb Jennifer was, because she couldn’t add anything of value to their conversation. He wondered if a monkey could beat her in a game of checkers. He pictured her having a gyroscope in her skull to keep her walking upright.

They finally reached their destination on the 15th hole. The hole was approximately 525-yards long and Thomas chose to stand around the 290-yard mark on the right hand side near a newly located sand trap. They watched the golfers’ drives, and chatted some more.

Thomas liked golfer Johnny Alders. He admired him because he was young, aggressive and making a name for himself on the tour. He kept his eye on the leaderboard and noticed Johnny was making a late charge and was currently only one shot behind the leader. He asked Jennifer to follow him past the sand trap. He had a funny feeling that Johnny was really going to drive the ball, so they stood at the 330-yard mark.

Johnny teed up his golf ball. They saw him swing and about a half-second later, heard the noise of the clubhead contacting the ball. They saw Johnny motioning to the right as though it was headed in their direction, but Thomas and Jennifer never had sight of the ball. After what seemed like an eternity of not knowing if one of them was going to take a golf ball to the head, the ball landed about five feet in front of them. It was safely on the fairway, just on the other side of the rope line. He cleared the sand trap along the right side of the fairway. Johnny Alders had punished that golf ball.

A few minutes passed before Johnny reached his ball. Thomas was able to hear the conversation between Johnny and his caddy. He was in between a 2 and 3-iron. There were some suggestions expressed by both, as well as some concern. Although it’s the pro’s decision on which club to use, Thomas couldn’t help himself.

Excuse me, but I would go with the 3-iron. Johnny didn’t say a word, but he shot him a glaring stare. Thomas continued, If you use your two and overshoot it to the right, there goes your eagle chance. I’m suggesting a hard three, because it plays slightly downhill and you need to keep it shorter than you think and to the left. From this position, you’re going to have to put a draw on it.

Johnny didn’t say anything, but grabbed his 3-iron. He stood behind the ball and looked at the flag one more time. He took a couple of easy swings and then addressed the ball. He kept his head down and gave it a mighty swing. Thomas could actually hear him grunt a little bit, because he really had to draw it and put a lot of power behind the ball. To Thomas, it was as though he saw and heard the ‘shot fired from around the world’. The ball bounced once and checked up to within three feet of the hole. The crowd went hysterical and showed their support for Johnny. Johnny turned to look at Thomas one more time, before making his way to the putting green.

Thomas was intrigued that perhaps Johnny Alders, the up-and-coming golfing sensation, had listened to his suggestion. He grabbed Jennifer’s hand to walk to the 18th hole. As they were walking, she asked if he wanted to see Johnny putt for the eagle, and he said no. He said he wouldn’t miss a putt that was so easy to make, but he wanted to see if he could catch his attention at the 18th green.

A reporter and cameraman that overheard his comments to Johnny asked Thomas a couple of questions. Excuse me, but how did you know to suggest a 3-iron?

Because I’m smart, Thomas deadpanned.

What credentials do you have to give a professional golfer advice? Are you a professional player, asked the reporter.

No, I’m not a professional golfer. If I was, I would be playing today. Listen, he had two club selections, yet it wasn’t necessarily a 50-50 proposition. His adrenaline levels were high. Adrenaline is naturally produced in high-stress or physically exhilarating situations.

Then you must be a doctor, the reporter asked sarcastically.

No, I learned that in high school biology.

May I ask what you do for a living, uh Mr….?

Mr. Kearney, and no, you may not ask.

Thomas turned around and proceeded to walk with Jennifer. The reporter was somewhat frustrated and annoyed by his responses. The reporter hollered, I think you’re some guy who just got lucky; yet in all reality, I bet Johnny didn’t take your advice. Anyone could have suggested what you told him.

Thomas slowly walked back towards the reporter. He firmly retorted, You’re nothing more than a golf reporter. You obviously lacked ambition and motivation when you were a child. The most difficult question in your career is asking the winner of this tournament some asinine rhetorical question. Thomas continued his quick wit by mimicking the reporter. Now that you’ve just won the BMX Championship at Cog Hill, are you going to Disneyland or headed somewhere for a beer and a blowjob? The reporter was seething and Thomas knew it. He loved seeing people in this position, but from his perspective, the reporter had put himself at risk when he’d provoked him. Thomas dryly added, "You would choose Disneyland and regarding Johnny’s golf club decision, I knew I was right. I’m always right!"

Thomas and Jennifer turned around to continue their walk to the 18th green. He heard the thunderous ovation from the crowd surrounding the 15th green. He looked up and watched the scoreboard change to reflect Johnny’s lead in the tournament. Upon seeing the change, he merely smiled.

Thomas opted for a spot along the pathway that the players used to enter the trailer where they sign their scorecards. He patiently waited and finally saw Johnny making his way up the trail. Johnny noticed Thomas and nodded. It was not a nod of affirmation, but simply a nod of acknowledgement. That’s all Thomas wanted.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon and Thomas wanted to go home. He didn’t want to watch the rest of the tournament, because there was still one more day to go, and he wasn’t interested in seeing the last three pairings play. He asked Jennifer if she was ready to leave and she said, "Ready when you are, Mr. Always Right."

He chuckled and said, "Perhaps that was not the right comment to make, but I am right more often than wrong."

Jennifer giggled and reached for Thomas’s hand as they started making their way to the parking lot, but this time, Thomas did not reach back. Perhaps the booze had worn off, or perhaps he was thinking about Renee. It didn’t matter to Thomas. He had no intention of taking Jennifer home. She was nothing more than eye-candy to him. Jennifer was lacking a quality that Thomas wanted in a woman: A brain.

She asked, What’s the matter, Thomas? Why don’t you want to hold my hand? Did I do something wrong?

No, you did nothing wrong, but our date is over. I don’t want to mislead you by holding your hand on the way back to our cars, because it would cause an awkward situation for both of us.

Jennifer quipped, I understand, but it’s your loss. You’re not very bright if you’re going to turn me down.

I’m confident the thousand men you slept with could validate your statement, Jennifer.

Screw you, Thomas!

He shrugged his shoulders, smirked and kept walking. Thomas was brimming with confidence as he headed back to his car. His day was complete because he felt that Johnny had listened to him. That was far more important to him than bedding a raging lunatic. Notwithstanding, Thomas was an enigma to most people in general, and he wanted to keep it that way. After his dismissal from the bank, he’d kept his personal life well-guarded.

He got into his car and slowly made his way to the exit. He looked in his rearview mirror only to see Jennifer showing him her middle finger. He mumbled under his breath, slut. He made his way onto the Interstate and turned up the volume when he heard Poisons’ Ride the Wind on the radio.

Making Headlines

Thomas called Joe to let him know he should be back at the parking garage around 5:00 to pick up his Yaris. He arrived ten minutes late, but Joe was waiting for him. They exchanged keys and Thomas shook his hand before getting into his Yaris to head home.

As he drove home, he was thinking of what to have for dinner. He thought of canned soup, frozen pizza or making a sandwich. Everything he thought of caused

him to have a decrease in appetite, as he recalled all the times he had eaten in the finest restaurants in downtown Chicago for four years.

He parked his car on the street as he normally did. He was rather perturbed when he had to parallel park. This was almost a daily ritual, but there wasn’t much room for error this time. He had to put the tiny Yaris into forward and reverse twice in order to park correctly. He was frustrated upon exiting his car, but quickly noticed his neighbor and friend from the Bank of Chicago, Washington Roosevelt. Washington stuck his head out of his apartment window and yelled, Yo, Thomas, what are you doing tonight?

Watching TV and eating a frozen pizza. Bring some beer. I have a story for you.

Let me guess, you weren’t rude to anybody today? No, that can’t be it.

Bring the beer. Do you need any help hauling over the two dead presidents?

How many times do I have to tell you to quit making fun of my name? That’s not cool at all, Thomas.

You should worry when I stop making fun of your name. I’ll see you in a few.

Thomas liked Washington Roosevelt. He liked him because he could confide in him. They’d met while working at the Bank of Chicago. Washington wasn’t as smart as Thomas, but neither were most people in the world. Still, he valued Washington’s outlook on life. He commuted to the bank everyday by taking the Orange-Line train. Washington couldn’t afford the monthly $300 garage fees, yet he was never late. Even during the worst days of winter, he would find a way to make it to work on time.

Washington had a high school diploma and had started working as a bank teller. He did this for three years until he’d discovered the Bank of Chicago was hiring interns for loan officers. He had been on his way to becoming a junior loan officer at the same time Thomas was let go. He was just another casualty of the banking collapse who is now a loan officer, barely making ends meet. Like Thomas, he knows his time would come again.

Thomas knew one of Washington’s most cherished and guarded secrets; that he was raised in an orphanage and foster homes and he never knew his real parents. He left his last foster home right after high school and never looked back. He was a proud person and hated to ask Thomas for any type of help, but when he did; Thomas never let him down.

Thomas walked into his somewhat unkempt apartment and closed the door. He quickly threw away the empty pint of vodka and picked the clothes up from his bedroom floor. He also straightened up the bathroom and stacked the magazines that were scattered on the sofa. Thomas was a neat person. He liked things organized, especially when he had guests. Just as he finished tidying up, Washington opened the door without knocking and headed to the refrigerator to put away the beer.

So, what happened to you today, oh great one? asked Washington wearing his usual attire; white baggy surfer pants, and a gray t-shirt that had Dead Presidents stitched onto it. The shirt had been a present from Thomas. It’s urban slang for money, but nobody knew it was also an affectionate nickname for Washington Roosevelt that Thomas had coined.

I called this shot right. I know I did. The golfer listened to me.

What are you talking about? Washington asked, as he pulled two beers from the twelve-pack and put the rest in the refrigerator.

You’ve heard of Johnny Alders, right?

No, Washington answered as he handed Thomas a beer and sat down on the couch alongside him.

He’s a professional golfer. And why do you have to drink malt liquor? asked Thomas as he twirled the bottle examining its contents.

Why do you drink cheap vodka? Go on with your story.

I went to Cog Hill today, continued Thomas, and I told Johnny Alders which iron to use.

What color am I, Thomas?

About two shades darker than caramel, answered Thomas.

Damn, Thomas. I’m black. We don’t watch golf. We watch football, basketball and dominoes.

I can see you at nighttime, Washington, so you’re not black.

Do you see caramel as an option when you fill out the U.S. Census, Thomas?

"No, I don’t. But there is a place that states other. Check that one next time."

Washington shook his head, rolled his eyes and continued, Okay, so what happened today, Thomas?

I had a ticket to the Cog Hill event today and I met this blonde that would curl the toes on a corpse. It was my suggestion to head over to the 15th hole and…

Thomas, where’s the blonde?

I left her there. Let me finish my story.

Thomas, were you thinking about Renee? You have to forget about her my friend. She dumped you. Those days are long gone.

I dumped her! Thomas stated emphatically. And furthermore, keep her out of this conversation.

Washington saw the pain on his face. I’m sorry, Thomas. Finish your story about the golfer. What did you do?

Renee’s image flashed in Thomas’s head. He sat there for a while, but quickly reached for his beer to get his mind back on track. Besides, he didn’t want Washington to see that side of him, even though he was one of the few that really understood Thomas.

I was on the 15th hole and told Johnny Alders to use a 3-iron. He used it and made an eagle. I’m confident that he listened to me.

When did you become a caddy?

When his caddy couldn’t perform his job. Jesus, how hard is it to hand somebody a club? Seriously, how hard is that job? They have to know the yardage and hand them a club. Oh yeah, they have to wash their balls too.

Thomas, you’re a real piece of work.

Thomas reached for the remote on the coffee table and turned on the TV. He was flipping through the channels when he landed on the local news station airing their sports segment.

Washington, he shouted. That’s Johnny Alders putting for the eagle on the 15th. Look, I called it. I called it. Watch him sink this eagle. They both sat on the edge of the couch, but Thomas was far more interested than Washington. Johnny Alders walked from one side of the green to the other eyeing his upcoming eagle attempt.

Washington finally commented, Damn, you’d think this guy was putting the ball into the mouth of a clown for a free game.

Thomas raised his index finger to silence Washington as they watched the ball drop into the hole. Thomas angrily said, You’re welcome, Johnny! Did you tell the crowd who told you which iron to use?

At that very moment, the station aired a segment that would change Thomas’s life forever: A piece of footage that showed the reporter asking Thomas, Excuse me, but how did you know to suggest to Johnny Alders that he use his 3-iron? This was quickly followed by Thomas’s response, "I knew I was right. I’m always right!"

Washington slapped his forehead and said, Thomas, please tell me you didn’t say that on TV. What’s a matter with you?

Thomas sat