The Sadness Behind the Smile

By Anthony Hall

This book is about emotional abuse that many people go through and is something that can go undetectable especially when looking at a males point of view. Its everywhere and even in the unexpected places can be found. This book is a highlight and insight to my life and struggle with emotional abuse and its to show that everyone has their scars its just that some of mine are on the inside.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jun 12, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481796408

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© 2013 by Anthony Hall. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 06/10/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-9639-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-9640-8 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

My Introduction

Cast of Characters

The Prologue

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

My Introduction

It’s funny really, I’m a man skilled and trained into helping men and families who suffer from domestic abuse, or who are domestic abuse perpetrators. My role is to try and make their lives better, such a shame I could not help myself at the same time.

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as Physical abuse and in some cases the effects on the victim is far worse.

Below are real life accounts of my emotional, harrowing, traumatic, draining and painful life since 2010

I am Father, God parent, entertainer, dancer, performer, Singer, actor, Disc Jockey, Community volunteer shopper, parenting facilitator, family room coordinator, childcare practitioner, father’s project co-ordinator and Mentor.

I like to socialise and have fun with friends and family. I don’t like football but love to ride my bike, play tennis and squash. I love going to theme parks but don’t like heights. Nothing gives more satisfaction than to help people if and when I can. Riding my motor bike is my peace time. I love to party and go clubbing and can dance all-night which is the ultimate buzz for me, which when Emey sent me a friend facebook request I was on the dance floor in a club on a Friday night in March 2009.

I could not believe that Emey had requested to be my friend as she vowed never to talk to me again, we had a brief relationship a several years back which I ended. We soon rekindled our relationship and I thought I had met my SOUL mate. I had so I was lead to believe that I had finally met someone who accepted me for me, accepted my lifestyle and the multi tasking sometimes very busy life that I led. Sadly this was not the case but by the time the emotional abuse was laid upon myself, I had moved in with Emey with my son, changed his school and basically made commitments with Emey that were not easy to get out off. Once we got married, everything changed and I will never forget what Emey said to me once we became man and wife. YOU’RE ALL MINE NOW

This diary, text book, whatever you want to call it is what it is. It’s not about revenge, malice or set out to hurt anyone. On 18th December 2012 my wife and myself engaged unfortunately in a heated argument, again to my regret and in my moment of sheer madness I knocked over a clothes airier which apparently struck my wife on her left arm, to which she sustained a small bruise. The argument didn’t end there and as reported in the press and in court I pinned my wife down, which I accept I did. But what was not reported was that at the time my wife had a pair of scissors in her right hand and in self defence that is why I pinned her down.

On the 21st December 2012. I walked into a Police Station where I was arrested and charged with ABH, I spent 14 hours in a police cell and was then charged with Common Assault by Beating and placed on Police bail. For nearly 4 months I was not allowed to go back to the marital home to collect my belongings, or see and speak to my wife, I have not seen or spoken to my step daughter since 20th December 2012. I was put on Gardeners Leave from my main job and was totally ridiculed in the press, spat at, received negative comments from people, accused of BEATING my wife when I didn’t touch her.

People thought my life was Rosie, that I had the perfect marriage. well it was the opposite, thus my point in displaying my TEXT marriage is to basically show that there was a lot of sadness behind my smile and I suffered a lot of emotional abuse, but suffered in silence to the point where I had my moment of madness, I urge you to read the whole book then judge for yourself. Yes there are some personal texts, my life was personal until the media and press tried to label me as a wife beater. All I have left is to prove and show that I’m not a wife beater, I suffered abuse too.

Emotional abuse is harder to prove than physical abuse and this is the only way I can prove to you how I suffered. I have not changed any off the texts messages other than to change people’s names. How you read the texts and emails are how I sent them and received them. My other point is to say to anyone male or female, try not to let things get to where they did for me. I lost almost everything and if by reading what happening to me can stop this happening to you, then job done.

Cast of Characters

ANTHONY’S FAMILY

Son—Mitch

Son—Andy

Son—Ray

Mum—Mum

Dad—Dad

Cousin—Marlene

Cousin—Ruby

Uncle—James

Uncle’s wife—Mary

Cousin—Chanty

Cousin—Colin

Cousin—Cassie

Cousin—J

Cousin—Den

EMEY’S FAMILY

Son—Les

Daughter—Smurfet

Daughter—Angel

Dad—Grahdad

Step-mother—Pam

Ex Husband—Clint

Ex-Husband child—Amy

Step-father—Ken

ANTHONY’S FRIENDS

Lenny

Glen

Nat

Cate

Jenny

Sandra

Don

Den

Sandy May

Mat

Jessy

Candy

Brenda

Sally

Rik

Martin

Denny

Lin

Lala

Jane

Jamee

Cherry

Lucy

Hannah

EMEY’S FRIENDS

Lester

Dee

Kris

Liz

Ana

The Prologue

My Public Statement

19th March 2013

Firstly I want to publicly apologise to my estranged wife for what happened on the 18th December 2012.

I also want to apologise to my children for all the upset and suffering that they have endured for the last 3 months. I also wish to apologise to my step-daughters for any upset that I have caused them. I wish to apologise to my family and friends also especially to my father in law who I have the utmost respect for.

I make no excuse for my actions but you need to know the truth. What has been written about me in the papers and online is not totally accurate. Domestic Violence is wrong on both sides’ men and women but before people pre judge me hear me out then judge me.

I am NO wife beater; yes my estranged wife and I had a very heated and uncomfortable argument. Yes my estranged wife sustained a bruise on her arm. BUT as God is my witness I NEVER physically hit or beat my estranged with my fist, my feet or with an instrument. Yes I did as I was extremely upset with the way my estranged wife had treated me knock a clothes airier over which struck her on her arm, but I NEVER hit or beat her. The CCTV evidence also shows and confirms that I did NOT pick up and throw a foot stool at my estranged wife but yes I did throw the clothes airier away from my wife. I take no pleasure in what I did and feel that I have let myself down as I am not a violent man and I’d sooner cut off my hands than lay a finger on another person male or female. However we as humans all have a weak point, we all suffer pain upset and hurt. We all get angry for whatever reason and we all lash out in our own way. Yes I did throw some items but I’d sooner do that than hit a human even though still not good.

For 18 months I a MAN suffered in silence. I as a MAN suffered emotional abuse from my estranged wife. As a man who do you tell, who would believe you, Emotional abuse is hard to prove unlike physical abuse which is visible, Emotional abuse is internal. But still is damaging and hurtful all the same. I suffered in so many ways BUT alone. To the outside world I’m the sharmone master, I’m the bubbly chap who always seems to have a smile on his face, who always seems to be having a good time and living his life to the full. This was my way of coping with the emotional abuse I was enduring regularly. I loved my estranged wife, I love my step daughters and my sons so before you say why stay, why didn’t you just leave, life sometimes is not that simple. MEN who are abused whether it is physically or emotionally are simply not taken seriously and I was no different, You type in domestic violence on the internet and it always comes up women being abused, not men, where are the men’s refuges, there is only one in the whole of the UK, So yes I put up with it but in reality it was eating away at me internally. Again I make no excuse for my negative actions in December other than after 18 months of being put down, verbally abused, dictated to, constantly having to justify my every move, being isolated, ignored, falsely accused of things I had not done, breaking down my self esteem and self worth finally took its toll on me I’m no angle, I have my moments, I can be stroppy, argumentative, a pain in the back side at times, but I respect people, I respected my wife but I was suffocated by my estranged wife, I loved my estranged wife but she was draining the life out of me and what happened that night was not me, it was not what I’m about, it was not the person I am. Yes I did what I did and I am accountable for my actions to which I hold my hand up, but I’m not solely responsible for what happened. I am in no way trying to wriggle out of what I did and to this day feel ashamed, upset and know that I will never forget what happened till the day I die. But it takes two to start an argument and I’m NO WIFE BEATER… What happened on 18th December 2012 was an isolated incident. This was the first and only time that our level of argument to that stage. I have NEVER hit, struck, punched, kicked my wife before or thrown any instrument at her before. If I was a wife beater, which I am not, why would I have CCTV installed in my house?

The press need to write the truth.

I pleaded guilty to common assault by beating, I was not found guilty of BEATING my estranged wife. The bold headline from the CRaydon Advertiser in January 2013 JACKO TRIBUTE ACT BEAT HIS WIFE was so damaging to me, my children, my family, friends and colleagues. I have had people spit at me in the street, I have had horrible messages sent to me, lost so called friends, I have lost work because of this, I have lost my matrimonial home and personal belongings, I have not seen my step daughter for 3 months. I feel that I have been persecuted for the last 3 months in so many ways it’s hurtful to say. The courts and only the courts should be the one to punish me in whatever way they see fit. Not the Press, Not the Media and not society i.e. you.

Thank you.

Anthony

www.sufferinsilence.org.uk

DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE… .

Acknowledgments

I am grateful to so many people who led me through the mazes of my troubled life. In most instances, it was painful for them to witness my sadness and upset. In terms of human misery and regret, it didn’t really matter which side they supported. Those who believed in Emey are just as bereft as those who believed in me. While I am confident that this Text book diary will resonate with many of those involved in my sad journey, I am keenly aware that some others will disagree with my reasons for publicising what was meant to be personal and private information between husband and wife.

I want to thank my children who throughout my life have given me the power and dedication to achieve my goals, They have been in my life and have not only supported me in EVERYTHING I have done, but have been by my side endlessly. They are the reason why I am still here today. I want to thank my Mum for giving me breath, for standing by me in my ups and downs in life, for picking me up when I have fallen and for being my no 1 fan and to my step dad for being my dad since I was a teenager and taking me under his wing. I would also like to thank my friends, there are too many to list, some of you I have known since I was 3 years old and some only just recently. You have been what I call true loyal friends who have helped me so much during my 4 months of hell since being arrested and charged with Common Assault by Beating. To my extended family, no words placed here can express how much I want to thank you, you were there when I needed you, my Cousins young and old, my Uncle’s, Auntie’s, nieces, nephews and half-sister, I simply could not have survived my nightmare without your support. I want to also thank my god children who have sent me wishes of support and hugs. I want to thank my step daughter who was in my life since 2008 till 20th December 2012 for welcoming me into your life, for the fun times we had, for the everyday life we shared, laughter, smiles and tears. I hope that one day we will reunite. I want to thank my other step-daughter Ashley Smith (smurfet). The day you came to see me by surprise on the 2nd February 2013 and I cried for 10 minutes on your shoulder was so kind of you, for you to want to see me, want to so spend time with me, to call me daddy and wish to one day live with me, tells me im not a bad person. If it was not for you, I may never have written this text book story. Having read your book Just a Daddy’s girl, you published in 2009 gave me the strength to create my own and I so thank you for believing in me. I want to thank all my characters witnesses who took the time to write references to the court, without your input I believe my sentence would have been worse, including my pre-sentence report from my probation officer. Lastly I want to thank one man, this man has stood by my side, not only for the last 4 months but has believed in me and accepted me for who I am as a person since 2008. He is the only person who knew what I was going through, who tried his best to help me and his daughter Emey. He knows I could never do what Emey has sought to paint me as a Wife Beater. For him to side with his son in law over his biological daughter says so much. Grahdad (father in law) I simply can’t thank you enough for everything you have done for me and continue to do so. Although it saddens me to know that you and Emey are no longer communicating, I know that you have your reasons for this, that NO one can judge or criticise you for.

To Emey, I’m not jumping up and down with joy in anyway. It really saddens me that things have turned out they way they have for both of us. Our dream did not last; we are both victims from each other. We wanted to be soul mates, we waited 26 years to be together and we thought it would last well I did and I’m sorry, I’m sorry for one thing and that was for what happened on the 18th December.2012, regardless of who did what, it should never of happened. I wish you every happiness in the future and hope you find peace in your life.

When somebody hurts you, they take power over you—if you don’t forgive them then they keep the power. Forgive them and after you forgive them, forgive yourself.

Chapter 1

The First Signs

The emotional and mental abuse really started in March 2010. Emey had befriended a friend of mine called Sandra and immediately took a dislike to her, she was convinced she fancied me and we would have disagreements about it.

I have known Sandra and her family for more than 15 years and we were good friends. On one occasion I saw Sandra near her home and offered to give her a lift home. Emey and Sandra were friends on Facebook and they would both post messages on the Facebook Wall. Sandra posted a message on Facebook stating that I gave her a lift home, to which Emey saw and this caused yet another argument as my partner became so paranoid that she thought Sandra was doing this to annoy and wind her up. No matter how many times I told Emey that there was nothing in it Emey would not have none of it and put pressure on me to stop being friends with her to which I did not agree with. I suggested to Emey not to be friends with her but Emey was convinced still that she fancied me and that I was not to give her a lift in my car again or else there would be consequences.

Whenever I was to go out socialising Emey insisted that she came with me, if I ever went out with male mates,  Emey would always ask is it only men going or can women come which made it awkward for me as I had to let her come, even if it was just a lads night out and there would be times where she was the only female with us. The few times I was allowed to go out with males I would get all kinds of questions when I got in like were there women there, did I dance with them, what were the other men doing. It got to the point that I would not go out with my male mates so that there would be no argument and I would make up excuses to my mates that I was busy

On one occasion Emey and myself were at a club in Gypsy Hill with my cousins enjoying the dance atmosphere, when a woman came up to me and politely asked me to dance, I told her that I was married and declined her request, she then walked away. Emey immediately asked me what did she want I said she asked for the time as a sort of joke to which this caused another argument as Emey said that I should have came and told her straight away what the lady said. The fact that there was nothing to say as I dealt with it in a heartbeat was not