Red Flag Relationships: The Ultimate Red Flags You Should Know

By Debra S. Cole MEd LPC

In Red Flag Relationships, author Debra S. Cole, MEd, LPC addresses the issue of warning signs in personal relationships, business relationships, and several other types of relationships in a straightforward manner. Cole offers the ultimate red flags that pose the most threat, as well as a four-step strategy to help the reader learn how to respond to red flags.
Weve all either asked ourselves or heard another ask How could this have happened? There must have been a sign, how did I miss it?
Learning to recognize the warning signs helps, but one must also have a strategy of how to respond once a warning sign has been acknowledged. In a sense, learning what red flags to watch for on ones journey through life is a form of emotional emergency preparedness. In addition, there is a lot of practical information in this book about how we interact with the world around us. Cole explains what constitutes healthy vs. unhealthy relationships to help the reader improve all of his or her relationships. Having healthy relationships is the most reward-ing experience in life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jun 11, 2013
• ISBN: 9781475990737

Debra S. Cole MEd LPC

Debra S. Cole, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist and behavioral medical consultant. In addition to counseling, Cole worked for several years as a mediator. She provided mediation services in Healthcare, Divorce, IRS, and USPS sectors. Cole’s practice, Southwest Behavioral Healthcare, is located in Austin, Texas. Debra S. Cole, MEd, LPC is also the author of Pain Management Solutions: Managing Pain in Stages.

Book preview

RED

FLAG

Relationship

The Ultimate Red Flags

You Should Know

Debra S. Cole, MEd, LPC

32467.png

Red Flag Relationships

The Ultimate Red Flags You Should Know

Copyright © 2013 Debra S. Cole

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-9072-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-9073-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013908573

iUniverse rev. date: 11/05/2015

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter One Relationship Dynamics

Chapter Two The Ultimate Red Flags

Chapter Three Relationship to Self

Chapter Four Family Relationships

Chapter Five Neighborhood, School, and Church Relationships

Chapter Six Public Places

Chapter Seven Intimate Relationships

Chapter Eight Professional Services

Chapter Nine Business Relationships

Chapter Ten Government Agencies

Chapter Eleven Spiritual Relationships

Chapter Twelve Relationship with Nature

Closing Message

Sources

For Beth

Acknowledgements

Thank you, always, to my family and friends for your love and support.

A special thanks to Joe - after years of waiting for this book, it is finally finished. Your constant friendship means the world to me.

David, for your encouragement in not only my writing, but in life - I am ever so grateful.

Introduction

As we go through life’s journey there will always be strife, problems, or serious events that take us by surprise. Some of these events come out of nowhere and others can be, to a small degree, predictable.

We’ve all either asked ourselves or heard someone ask, How could this have happened? There must have been a sign or red flag, how did I miss it? Learning to recognize the warning signs helps, but we must also have a strategy of what to do and how to address them once a warning sign has been acknowledged. When we educate ourselves about being aware of our surroundings, this can help minimize stress and aggravation. In addition, when we take the time to really learn about potential warning signs, or red flags, then we can actually avert a possible tragedy. In a sense, learning what possible red flags to watch for on our journey through life is a form of emotional (and sometime physical) emergency preparedness.

Tragedies can be environmental, and they can occur within the confines of a relationship. When hearing the word relationship, many people automatically assume that it is meant in the context as an intimate relationship. According to Merriam-Webster, the definitions of relationship are as follows:

1: the state of being related or interrelated relationship between the variables>

2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as

a: kinship

b: a specific instance or type of kinship

3a: a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings relationship with his family>

b: a romantic or passionate attachment

In addition to relationships with our significant others, we also have relationships with our children, parents, extended family members, and friends. Additionally, we share relationships with other people, albeit not as significant as those with family and friends.

The most significant relationship we will ever have in our lives is our relationship with ourselves. If we are carrying any unresolved issues from our past or have unhealthy traits, these will not only impede our abilities to be truly happy, but these will flow into and affect relationships we will share with others. Learning warning signs and attempting to resolve issues will improve relationships. Having healthy relationships is the most rewarding experience in life.

We have relationships with our colleagues and employers, and if things are not going smoothly at work, the stress can become quite overwhelming, in some cases debilitating. The same can be said for our relationships with our neighbors; we have all heard some pretty horrifying tales about neighbors. When we become engulfed in negativity, our health suffers.

To a lesser degree, we have relationships with those at places we frequent, cashiers at stores, coffee shops, government workers, those whose professional services we use, and what is very much a lost art is having a relationship with nature.

In doing my research, I noticed a lack of information addressing red flags in all relationship types (not just dating), and more importantly, what to do about them – this served as motivation for writing Red Flag Relationships. I offer a list of the ultimate red flags that apply to all relationship types and a four-step strategy for responding to red flags. I have attempted to be as comprehensive as possible to help one learn about what red flags to look for in his or her life and how to address them.

Debra S. Cole

Chapter One

Relationship Dynamics

If we try too hard to force others to live in our world, because we think it is the real world, we are doomed to disappointment. – William Glasser, M.D.

What most people fail to understand about relationships is that they are the most natural and common life-long activities in which we automatically engage; we cannot escape them. Relationship dynamics are an integral part of our day-to-day lives, whether they are with our spouses, children, parents, extended family members, colleagues, friends or anyone else who is a constant in our life. Along with these relationships come the good times and the bad times; and sometimes there are serious indicators that a relationship is in jeopardy. These indicators are often referred to as red flags. A red flag is a warning of possible problems or even dangers.

Any relationship we share with a person throughout our lifetime may seem as though it is a given, yet the reality is that this merger of two individuals takes work to maintain. In any interpersonal relationship there is always give and take, and when one person refuses to give or disrespects the other, then the smooth rhythm they once had becomes bumpy. Also, when words spoken are not adequately explained, they can be taken out of context; if the words are outright harsh, this too can create problems. When any of these situations arise, they can be considered red flags.

Before getting into the red flags, it will be helpful to look at relationship dynamics and elements that make up healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Having an idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship is necessary in order to learn what a red flag is and why it is, and then how to approach and address red flags.

Relationship Dynamics:

There are several relationship dynamics; some of the basic ones are:

• Communication

• Listening Skills

• Boundaries

• Interdependence vs. Codependence Elements

• Empowering vs. Enabling Behaviors

• Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship Characteristics

Communication can contaminate (or ultimately destroy), or build a relationship. We all know that every individual and relationship experiences tough moments from time to time; this is a fact of life. When an individual has an event that causes him or her stress, it is up to the other to be especially mindful of what is said, how it is said and to be empathetic. Failure to do so will result in one or several things, such as:

• Anger (or frustration) will be expressed either in a healthy or an unhealthy manner, the latter causing further potential problems.

• Anger (or frustration) will be suppressed, thereby creating a fictitious filing cabinet in the mind, and a resentment file begins.

When the relationship experiences stressful events, this can place tension on the relationship. Depending on the communication skills of each individual, the outcome may be positive or negative. Examples of negative outcomes include:

• Blaming

• Name calling

• Throwing items

• Physical aggression

• Issuing threats

The most common interactive activity in which we engage every day we take for granted, yet many know very little about how it works – communication. Communication is intertwined with everyday living; for something that is so common, it truly is very complex. Every aspect of our daily life is affected by our communication abilities (or inabilities), and this includes people we really don’t know with whom we engage via the Internet.

Communication, as I define it, is the interchange or imparting of thoughts, opinions, or information via speech, body language in conjunction with speech, writing, transmitting, or by the use of signs.

We tend to use certain communication skills only in some situations. We basically have two relationship types: interpersonal relationships and basic relationships that are also referred to as acquaintances. Interpersonal relationships are generally defined as:

• Intimate Relationships

• Immediate and extended family members

• Relationships with children

• Friendships

• Team members

• Colleagues

In order for an interpersonal relationship to work well, it must contain certain elements. These include:

• Shared objectives and goals

• Similar interests

• Mutual respect (for example, respect of one another’s opinions and viewpoints)

• Trust

• Honesty and transparency

Then we have basic relationships, in which people have a set of expectations for behavior based on the pattern of interaction between them. These are interactions we share with those in the community we see from time to time, such as the letter carrier, shopkeeper, medical staff, hairstylist or cashier. These interactions may only involve verbal or electronic contact with an individual once in a while. Regardless, these relationships are categorically casual, yet they still need certain variables in order for the social interaction to be pleasant. These include:

• Courtesy and manners

• Respect

• Honesty and transparency

• Trust

• Dependability

Communication Faux Pas

Communication faux pas can lead to immediate or eventual trouble. Some of the more common ones are:

1) Covering up or withholding our feelings. Most people do this from time to time in an attempt to save another from upset; if done repeatedly, this can create problems. Many of us tend to mask our frustration/irritation/anger in an attempt to not start something at some point or another. When this becomes frequent, stress starts to build, and opening up that resentment file becomes problematic. Depending on the situation (and surroundings), it may be critical to exercise caution and withhold expressing negative emotion. However, in most cases if feelings are not spoken about, that resentment file will grow at an exponential rate. Taking ownership of one’s feelings and expressing them in a mindful way is a healthy communication component of any relationship (especially interpersonal). Taking ownership means avoiding using the pronoun you as much as possible, and saying, I think…. I feel….. I’m really upset…

2) The fear of allowing emotions to get in the way. This is a strong fear felt by many. Some people withhold feelings because they fear rejection of emotion. An individual’s upbringing as well as life experiences may create an uneasy air, thereby placing a psychological wall between his or her true feelings and what is expressed. In a relationship, this barrier will contribute to the deterioration of that relationship, because resentments build and actions may become bitter.

3) Blame. A common mistake that many people make throughout life (some more than