Portrait Of My Desire

By Rhonda Findling

Rhonda Findling's debut novel about a woman's recovery from a passionate obsessive love for an ambivalent man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rhonda Findling
• Release date: Jun 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370959372

Rhonda Findling

Rhonda Findling is a psychotherapist and author of the acclaimed Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go, Don't Text That Man! A Guide To Self Protective Dating In The Age of Technology, The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man, The Dating Cure, A Jewish American Princess Dethroned and Portrait of My Desire. Rhonda has appeared on national talk shows including CNN Headline News, Ricki Lake, Geraldo, Maury Povitch, Eye Witness News, Good Day New York, Carnie, Ilyana, Tempest and Judith Regan Tonight. She has led workshops and seminars in New York, L.A., Paris, Berlin and London. Rhonda has been featured in the New York Post, Los Angeles Times, The Boston Globe, Newsday, Rocky Mountain News, Cosmopolitan magazine, Latina Magazine, Glamour (UK and Paris editions) Le Progress, Life and Style, US Weekly, Femina, and Today's Black Woman.

Book preview

Portrait Of My Desire

Also by Rhonda Findling

Don’t Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go

Don’t Text That Man! A Guide To Self Protective Dating In The Age Of Technology

When He Can’t Commit: What To Do When You Fall For An Amibvalent Man

Don’t Lose That Man! How Women Sabotage Their Opportunities For Successful Romantic Relationships And What They Can Do To Change

A Teenager’s Memoir: Surviving Parental Abandonment In The Revolutionary 70s

Portrait Of My Desire

A Novel

Rhonda Findling

Copyright © 2009 by Rhonda Findling

Print ISBN: 9781547071463

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

The names of many of the individuals described in this book have been changed to protect their privacy.

E-book formatting by www.gopublished.com

CONTENTS

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

CHAPTER 1

Sharon shivered from the biting, icy cold draft coming through her bedroom window. Another dreary, lonely, Wisconsin winter night, she thought to herself as she sketched the dark, exotic looking man from the fashion magazine. The frenzied lashing of the howling wind intensified Sharon’s growing restlessness that she’d been trying to stave off for the past few months.

She put her new Saturday Night Fever album on the record player to keep her company while she drew. Inspired by the Bee Gee’s romantic songs of love and longing, Sharon went back to sketching the model’s almond shaped, deep, brown eyes, that almost appeared to gaze back at her. Examining the model’s picture more closely, she thought he was beautiful in a masculine way. As she drew his full sensual lips with charcoal, she imagined him kissing her passionately, then touching her. She could barely hold the charcoal anymore, as she felt his lips on her neck, her breasts, her stomach, her . . .

Stop it! she thought. You can’t do this. You’re not a teenager. You don’t even know what making love really feels like.

Frantically, she took off the Saturday Night Fever album, accidentally scratching the record with the needle. Her eyes burning with shame, she went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She looked searchingly into her violet eyes, framed by thick black lashes, reflected in her bathroom mirror. She knew she was pretty, because her father always said so. Standing sideways in front of the mirror, she admired her petite but shapely figure, grateful that she had at least made it to 5’2". Anything less would have been way too short.

Sharon? her mother yelled from the kitchen. Can you please help me get the Christmas ornaments down? I want to start decorating the tree before Nina and Ned get here.

In a minute! Sharon shouted back. Although Sharon was happy her sister Nina would be here soon, she was besieged by hopelessness that this was her 26th Thanksgiving in the house she grew up in, and wondered if her life would ever be any different. Nina, who was two years younger, had married Ned last year, and moved with him to New York where he had just begun working as an attorney in a large corporate law firm.

Holding a flashlight she lowered the ladder to the attic and climbed up. Shining the light over the dusty dark attic she saw her old Barbie dolls. She got a lump in her throat remembering how her father always bought her Barbie doll clothes when she was sick. He had mysteriously left her mother, Nina, and herself fourteen years ago when she was only twelve and Nina was ten. Unfortunately, her mother refused to talk about him, so they all pretended that he never existed. She still felt like crying when she thought of her father, even now, after all these years. Losing him was like a festering wound that never healed.

Sharon found the Christmas decorations near her old dollhouse. She reached over to get it, accidentally knocking over a box hiding a large old yellow envelope. Christmas cards and letters fell out. She thought it was her over active imagination when she saw a white envelope with her father’s name on the return address. She opened it and took out a birthday card with flowers. Her hands trembled as she opened the card and realized it wasn’t her imagination at all. It was definitely her father’s distinctive handwriting next to the card’s poem.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY

Sorry I haven’t written for so long, but I’ve been going through some difficult times and I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I figured things must be going well for you or else you would have written or called me. I’ve been moving around a lot, so the last phone number I sent you has changed.

My new phone number in case you need me or want to talk is 213-IN9-0902. Hope to hear from you soon.

All my love,

Daddy

P.S. Give my love to Nina.

The card was dated 7/12/66. Twelve years ago! Oh my God! He had tried to contact us! Frantically Sharon searched through the yellow envelope and found five other envelopes with her father’s name and different addresses in the upper left hand corner. They were all birthday cards. Six altogether. Three for Nina and three for herself. All the cards had short notes from her father asking why they didn’t call him, along with different phone numbers where they could reach him.

Sharon held the birthday cards to her chest. This meant her father hadn’t just disappeared. He had been trying to contact them. She had to speak to him immediately and explain that she had never called him because she had never received the cards. The most recent was postmarked 7/12/76. Two years ago!

Sharon hurried back down the ladder and ran to her bedroom. She dialed one of the numbers in the card. A recording came announcing the phone was disconnected. Damn! She called the rest of the phone numbers but they didn’t work either. She tried New York information.

Hello? Could you tell me if there’s a Michael Walters listed?

Sharon spelled out his name and gave the address.

Sorry there’s no Walters listed with the first name Michael.

Sharon hung up wondering who could have hid her father’s cards in the attic? She ran down the stairs and found her mother in the kitchen sprinkling paprika on a large turkey.

She looked all dressed up for the holiday, wearing a new brown, linen slacks outfit she just bought on sale and genuine pearl earrings that Sharon got her for Christmas two years ago. Some people said they looked so much alike they could pass for sisters.

Did you find the Christmas ornaments? her mother asked, scooping up corn bread stuffing from a bowl.

Did you hide these from me?

She dropped the spoon filled with stuffing when she saw the birthday cards in Sharon’s hand. I thought you were better off not seeing them.

They were addressed to me! Sharon waved the cards in the air as she spoke.

He didn’t deserve to see or hear from you.

That was my decision to make.

There were no checks or money with them, her mother snapped. He didn’t care if you were hungry or had a roof over your head?

He probably thought we moved, so he didn’t want to take a chance and put money in them. Remember you changed the phone number when he left?

He could have come back here to find out why you weren’t answering the letters.

Well, maybe he was sick or something. Even you said there were loan sharks after him.

That’s no excuse. If he wanted to support his children, he would have figured out how to get money to you. Did you forget what we went through after he left?

Of course I haven’t, but don’t you remember how much I missed Daddy? You know how close he and I were!

"He certainly shows his love for his children in a strange way.

By abandoning them!" her mother exclaimed, shoving the turkey in the oven.

Look, no matter what you say I want to talk to him. The last card he sent was from New York. I’ve called all the phone numbers and none of them work anymore. I’m going there to track down these addresses.

Closing her eyes, her mother placed her hand on her forehead, as if she were trying to center herself, Your sister and Ned are going to be here soon. I don’t want to discuss this anymore.

You never want to talk about Daddy. Well, we can’t pretend he doesn’t exist anymore. He’s obviously alive and I need to talk about him!

Leave me alone Sharon. It’s a holiday and I want to have a nice time.

You know you’re just as selfish as you say he is. You don’t care about my feelings. All you care about is hating Daddy for leaving you.

How dare you speak to me like that! She grabbed the cards from Sharon. I should have done this years ago. Her mother tore up the cards and threw them on the floor.

This is all I had left of Daddy! Sharon screamed, picking up the torn pieces, and you even try to take this away from me? She stood up defiantly. You bitch! No wonder he left you.

Her mother’s face contorted, taking on an expression of horror Sharon never saw before. Her mother’s hand lashed out and slapped her across the face. Sharon wanted to hit her back but controlled herself.

You ungrateful child! Did you see me deserting you and your sister? Did you forget that we had to go on welfare until I could get a job? And then we could barely make ends meet. All the years of struggling and this is the thanks I get?

I am not ungrateful! I could have left home and made something of my life. Gone away to school. Gone to New York or Paris and studied art. But no, I stayed here with you because I was afraid to leave you here alone.

You could have left any time you wanted, her mother yelled back sharply.

Every time I even talked about leaving, you’d tell me I was better off staying here with you in Wisconsin because I would have a hard time making it on my own.

I was trying to protect you.

Protect me. You’ve crippled me! Sharon cried out.

How dare you say that!

It’s true. I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve never even had a real boyfriend. If I could have talked to Daddy maybe my life would have turned out different. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up in this boring, Godforsaken, loser town.

Then go! Go to Paris. Go to New York and go find your father. Your marvelous loving father who walked out on you. Goo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! she shrieked.

I can’t believe I gave up all my dreams for you. I hate you! Sharon yelled, then stormed up to her room slamming the door. She was stunned that she had told her mother things she had thought and mulled over all of these years but never dare say. Trying to calm herself she went directly to her dresser and took out her two photographs of her father. She looked at her favorite. The worn out black and white one, where her father was holding her around the shoulders when they were standing outside a restaurant on her twelfth birthday. She was wearing a corsage with a pink carnation he bought for her. It was comforting to see that she resembled him around the eyes and nose.

She studied the other picture where her father was standing outside the car dealership where he worked. She remembered how happy he was because he sold three cars that day and got a huge commission. They gave him a free TV set for being such a good salesman, and took his picture. She figured he’d be fifty-seven by now. Probably, still as handsome.

While she scotch taped the birthday cards back together, she wondered what her life would have been like if she had been in touch with him all these years. Maybe she’d be in New York instead of living with her mother. She lay down on her bed and cried for all the years she lost with her father.

The sound of knocking on her bedroom door an hour later startled Sharon.

Figuring it was her mother coming up to apologize she put the pictures back in her drawer.

Sharon, it’s me, Nina.

Nina! Sharon squealed with delight when she opened the door and hugged her sister tightly. You look as beautiful as ever Ms. fashion plate, Sharon said teasingly, admiring her sister’s beautiful navy blue Chanel suit and designer pumps. Nina was the spitting image of her father, which made Sharon love her all the more.

You look great too, Nina responded, hugging Sharon again.

What’s going on? Mother’s all upset and you’ve been crying.

I found these birthday cards Daddy sent us with notes and phone numbers in them, Sharon said, handing what was left of the cards to Nina. Mother hid them in the attic.

Nina read the cards. I guess he’s in New York, she responded flatly.

Aren’t you even upset Nina? Those cards were addressed to you too.

Even if mother did hide the letters, he never even came to look for us when we didn’t answer him.

Don’t you remember, he thought bookies were after him?

Do you really believe that?

Well, that’s what mother told us.

What a loser. It’s probably better that he left.

How can you say that?

With all that dark stuff he was into, I just think it’s better that he wasn’t a part of our lives anymore.

Don’t you want to talk to him? Tell him all about Ned?

No. It’s been too long, but I agree mother should have given us the letters.

Well, I’m going to go look for him.

Just like that?

Mother told me to go.

She didn’t mean it. She’s just upset.

Nina, she slapped me across the face.

I can’t believe she hit you. It’s because you were talking about Daddy. She gets crazy if you even mention his name. Remember after he left how she wouldn’t get out of bed for weeks and we had to go grocery shopping by ourselves? We’d hitch hike to the store because she was so out of it. She couldn’t even handle driving the car. Sharon. All we had was each other. It was like we were orphans. That’s why I can’t forgive Daddy for leaving us like that.

I know what he did was wrong, but I still want to find him…I need to talk to him

Nina read all the birthday cards.

Nina, do you remember our making a pact that when we grew up I’d become an artist and live in Paris, and you’d come visit me and buy designer clothes?

How can I forget? Nina asked, looking up from the cards.

Well, maybe this is my chance to follow my dream.

You’re going to go look for him in Paris?

No. I want to go to New York. I won’t be able to go to Paris or anywhere for that matter if I don’t finally leave here once and for all.

What about your job?

It’s just an assistant manager job in an art supply store. My life is going nowhere. I still don’t have an agent. I don’t have a boyfriend. I need to get out of here. It’ll be so wonderful Nina. I’ll take art classes in New York and meet artists from all over the world. Sharon sat down next to her sister on the bed. Maybe finding Daddy’s letters happened for a reason. Maybe this is what I need to give me the strength to finally leave home.

Okay, then come back to New York with Ned and me. You can stay with us.

Until I find my own place. I’ve got some money saved up.

Don’t worry about it.

Are you sure it’ll be okay if I stay with you guys? I don’t want to be a burden to you.

Nina got Sharon’s suitcase out of the closet and threw it down on the bed. Big sister, this year you’re staying with me in New York, but next year I’m visiting you in Paris!

It’s a deal, Sharon said enthusiastically, holding out her hand to Nina. Laughing, they both shook hands and, for a brief moment, Sharon felt hopeful.

As Sharon closed her suitcase she thought about how horrible the past three days were. She and her mother barely spoke to each other. Nina and Ned tried to be cheerful but everyone just seemed to be making an

Reviews for Portrait Of My Desire

[femmeslm Legend · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This explained and healed many similar confusing dynamics I experienced in the last couple of years. I just wish it had been explained why David could never be faithful. I deducted why it may be, but one of the gifts of this story was of the situational clarity and I hoped that would have been clarity on that as well.