Sacred Journey to Ladyhood a Woman’S Guide Through Her Write of Passage: The Longest Journey Begins with a Single Step

By Connie Omar

Sacred Lady is a term coined by Connie Omari that emphasizes the highest degree to which
a woman creates her best self. Connie begins the sacred journey by inviting her readers to understand the ways in which a lack of a rite of passage for women in the United States severely hinders our emotional and psychological welfare. Recognizing the absence of such a formal ritual, Connie models the concept of a Sacred Lady by utilizing her clinical, educational, international, and spiritual experiences to create a rite of passage specific to the needs of women in the United States. The concepts included along this journey are self-confidence, intimate relationships, intuition, family, personal identity, and spirituality. By utilizing these themes, Connie incorporates her knowledge of evidence-based practices and her relationship with God to educate and empower her readers. In doing so, Connie dares to challenge societal norms and expectations, uncovers avenues for embarking upon personal healing, and creates a pathway for her readers to empower themselves, their families, their communities, and the greater world. Interested readers, Connie welcomes you to join the Sacred Journey to Ladyhood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481710046

Connie Omar

Connie Omari is a licensed professional counselor and national certified counselor. Her theoretical orientation is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is an evidence-based practice that emphasizes the concepts of mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, as well as emotional regulation techniques. In this present work, Connie utilizes her practice in DBT to conceptualize common themes inherent in young women and then provides a thought-provoking, spiritually motivating, and empowering journey to assist them in their transition to Sacred Ladyhood. Connie received her bachelor of arts from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in psychology and African American studies. As a college student, Connie traveled internationally to broaden her scope of understanding of the unique challenges inherent in minority communities across the globe. Connie’s philanthropic experiences were mainly fixated on the African Diaspora and included Ghana, West Africa; Cape Town, South Africa; and Ocho Rios, Jamaica. After college, Connie received her master of arts and her master of education from Teachers College, Columbia University, where she majored in psychological counseling with an emphasis on multiculturalism. She is currently pursuing her PhD from Regent University in counselor education and supervision. Connie’s compassion for mental health and minority affairs is deeply rooted in her childhood. She was raised in the small town of Norwood, NC, a quiet community in the South eastern part of the United States. It was here that Connie first became aware of the adversity imposed upon disadvantaged people as she observed various levels of overt cultural and institutionalized forms of oppression within her community. Utilizing a culturally sensitive and spiritually inclined awareness, Connie combines her experience with oppression, her professional training, and her international observations to use her voice to challenge institutional norms and provide empowerment for women around the world. Connie’s specialty includes assisting women with the following challenges: poor body image and self-image, addictive behaviors, poor conflict resolution skills, trauma history related to domestic and sexual violence, and healthy relationships. Connie currently resides in Raleigh, NC, along with her husband, Daniel Omari, and their Maltese, Jazz. For further information about the Sacred Ladyhood Journey, Connie invites you to join in the Sacred Journey to Ladyhood Movement. Her information is as follows: Email: [e-mail] Twitter: @ladyhoodjourney Facebook: Sacred Journey to Ladyhood Website: connieomari.com Blog: blog.connieomari.com

Book preview

Sacred Journey

to Ladyhood

A Woman’s Guide through

Her Write of Passage

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The Longest Journey Begins with a Single Step

Connie Omari LPC, NCC

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AuthorHouse™

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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© 2013 Connie Omari LPC, NCC. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/25/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-1003-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-1004-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013901672

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Dedication

Pre-Journey

Defining Ladyhood

Defining Dialectical Behavior Therapy

How to Use this Book

Introduction

Sacred Journey: Chapter 1: Self-Confidence

Sacred Journey: Chapter 2: Intimate Relationships

Sacred Journey: Chapter 3: Intuition

Sacred Journey: Chapter 4: Family

Sacred Journey: Chapter 5: Personal Identity

Sacred Journey: Chapter 6: Spirituality

Sacred Journey Journals

Sacred Journey Worksheets

Post-Journey

References

About the Author

Dedication

I dedicate this book to God for giving me the courage to trust myself, trust in the power of the Almighty, and take a leap of faith to create my vision. Every time my flesh and worldly experiences cause me to encounter doubt, I am reminded of Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Thank you for assuring me that no matter what, if you are for me, then who can be against me?

I dedicate this to my mother, Cyvonne Gaines, whose life has been a living testimony for my faith. As a child, I experienced adversity, but she always stood by my side no matter what. Together, we have overcome some major obstacles. Through it all, she gave me the confidence to believe in myself. In doing so, she often worked without end to create possibilities for me that I never knew existed. Her humility, perseverance, role modeling, and strength have created the foundation for me to be the Lady I am today. Thanks, Mama!

I dedicate this to my brother, Kearney Bryant, whose humor and unconditional support have helped me laugh at my faults and use them to become a better person. As the man in my life for most of my life, he never made me feel ugly or less than. In fact, he always held me on a pedestal, which sometimes even I didn’t think I was worthy of. I thank him for showing me how special I was, for teaching me how a man should treat a woman, and for having my back no matter what.

I dedicate this to my late grandmother, Edna Bryant, who spearheaded and nurtured my relationship with Christ while being my biggest fan. As a child, I didn’t understand why she forced me to go to church so often. I now understand that she was introducing me to the greatest part of my life: understanding and growing in my relationship with Christ. And while her earthly presence is no longer with us, I am blessed to know that she is living a life of eternity with our Heavenly Father. Because of Grandma Edna’s life, her spirit lives on in both her earthly and heavenly existence. And while I plan to live my earthly life in recognition of all she shared with me, I look forward to the magnificent moment when I will see her again. May your soul rest in perfect peace, Grandma.

In 2003, I was granted a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel to Ghana, West Africa. Thanks to the support of my international travel sponsors, this dream of mine came true. Thus, I dedicate this to those whose generous contribution made this possible. During this feat, not only did I find my life partner and best friend, but began a lifelong journey towards self-discovery which lead me to grow individually, interpersonally, intrapersonally, academically, and professionally. I have grown to think, to act, and to embrace life’s circumstances in a unique, yet rewarding manner, and this is reflected in all elements of my life. And while this can’t be definitively determined, my assumption is that my growth that was obtained as a result of this experience has positioned me to be better than I would have been without it. Though my international travel has since progressed, I credit this first excursion to paving the way for my lifelong passion for self-growth and awareness, diversity, and creativity, factors which have added greatly to my quality of life, while also allowing me to be a source of inspiration to many others. For those who made the sacrifice for me to be who I am today, I sincerely thank you.

I would also like to dedicate this book to my friends and family who have supported me in some way, shape, or form. There are too many circumstances for me to list them individually within this dedication, but if you ever took the time to share supportive words of wisdom, to pray with me, to pray for me, to give me a friendly hug, to let me lean on your shoulder in times of sadness, or to wipe away my tears, I want you to know that you have helped me grow. May you continue to spread your sunshine on those around you.

And finally, I dedicate this to my wonderful and loving husband, Daniel Omari. I honestly never saw myself being married during the earlier parts of my life. When marriage became of interest to me, I experienced major adversities, many of which were indicative of my lack of knowledge in the benefits and usefulness of marriage. As a result, I made a variety of poor choices. Then I met Daniel. He was just different. And while we have had our ups and downs, he has given me permission to be myself and let’s me know that that alone is enough. Through his love, I have been able to experience some major healing in my life. An example of this occurs after I share a vulnerable experience with him, and he reminds me, Remember that no matter what, someone loves you. Those words, which are wrapped in love, give me a sense of peace I have never felt from anyone else. Sometimes I still ask God what I have done to deserve such an amazing husband and marriage. Daniel has set the tone for our marriage, which includes God-fearing values, respect, and unconditional love. Daniel, you are my rock. Thank you.

You are about to embark upon an intense and compelling journey. In order to most effectively measure your progress, please conduct this pre-assessment which will measure your current position before your journey begins.

Pre-Journey

I have chosen to take this sacred journey because

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Defining Ladyhood

Being a Woman does not always make one a Lady.

~Anonymous

Ladyhood is the greatest extension of the concept of being female. Thus, to most accurately define the concept of Ladyhood, it is important to understand each level that exists before it. This clarification is critical to conveying the hierarchy of the femininity chain to Ladyhood. The chain that exists is composed of three levels: female, woman, and Lady. Notice that Lady will always be capitalized in this work because of the respect we will extend to the term. It is this ultimate form of femininity that you, as the reader, are expected to obtain. The Sacred Journey to Ladyhood will not be easy, but with the correct knowledge, you will learn to identify your innate ability to become the Lady you deserve to be. This work is intended to guide you along the journey. Let us define all levels of femininity so that you can fully appreciate the essence of being a Sacred Lady.

The first level within the chain to Ladyhood is the term female. The term female simply recognizes the presence of biological factors. These factors are usually developed from the double X chromosomes the female obtains at conception. The characteristics of being female are expressed internally (presence of ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus) and externally (presence of a vagina). At puberty, the female develops a relatively rounded body, which includes enlarged breasts, curvaceous hips, and a beardless face. Being female is the most basic of the identifiers and is determined at birth (or before if the parents choose) and on most occasions is the characteristic that will remain with her until the day she dies.

The next level within the chain to Ladyhood is the term woman. A woman is an adult version of a female. Usually a female becomes a woman once she is of age (either eighteen or twenty-one, whichever is supported by society). One would think that, given that womanhood represents a major milestone for females, there would be a greater emphasis on one’s transition from female to woman. Sadly, this is not the case. Women receive no training in what being an adult female is about and as a result remain unrefined and unpolished. Examples of this dilemma include the facts that women seek little guidance in proper etiquette, are relatively shallow in nature, lack moral reasoning, and are emotionally immature. They stay stuck in a vicious lifestyle contaminated with egocentrism that offers few opportunities for creativity and growth, and they live lives void of optimal functioning.

Fortunately, there is a level along this chain beyond womanhood, and it will be referred to in this book as Ladyhood. Ladyhood represents the epitome of womanhood. It includes not only the physiological makeup of females in their adult years but considers the way they manage their struggles, their strengths, their vulnerabilities, their desires, their inner and outer beauty, and their overall being. A Lady is someone who speaks with accomplishment and poise. When she walks into a room, she radiates both internal and external beauty, and anyone around her can recognize it. A Lady is not afraid to defy the norms and does so by creating an authentic aura around her; a Lady uses her knowledge to empower others. A female can become a woman who then becomes a Lady through the way she carries herself, through the values to which she adheres, and through the morals she upholds. And while a Lady is not expected to be perfect, a Lady is well prepared to identify her imperfections and use them to make a better version of her. The combination of these attributes creates a magnitude of strength that a Sacred Lady uses to positively impact herself, her family, and her community with grace, humility, and perseverance.

A Lady is always sacred because she is spiritually divine. She does not see spirituality as a separate entity. Instead, a Sacred Lady understands that the spirit lives within her. Leijssen (2008) provided the following description of the essence of being sacred: The sacred is a quality of experiencing life. It has to do with value, depth, wonder, reverence, touching the soul or the life force. [Ladyhood] can be deepened and enriched, even transformed, when the sacred is invited and the spiritual dimension is addressed … This will be elaborated upon in the final chapter, but please understand that the mindset of having an internal sacred spirit is important as you grasp each component along your transition to Ladyhood.

Many people are often intimidated by the concept of Ladyhood because of various misconceptions the term holds or has held in the past. Proper etiquette that was once considered Ladylike often created a picture of women who wore formal dresses, drank tea, and stayed at home with houses full of children all day. Their only purpose was to serve their husbands and children while sacrificing their own dreams and aspirations. This mindset has since become dated and is not something most of us wish to acquire. Thanks to the works of early feminists such as Mary Wollstonecraft (a published author and advocate for women’s education), Elizabeth Stanton (one of the first initiates of women’s rights and women’s suffrage in the United States), and Jane Adams (a leader in women’s suffrage and world peace), we now have the abilities to pursue things such as higher education and professional careers. For women, unfortunately, the emphasis on taking advantage of these opportunities has come at the expense of their matriculation into Ladyhood. The reason for this is because those who choose to remain labeled as women have subsequently placed a lack of emphasis on their innate qualities of Ladyhood in order to obtain things like power and wealth provided by feminism. This can be seen in a doctor who was so preoccupied with her career that by the time she realized she wanted to have children, it was too late. This can also be seen in a corporate lawyer who was so concerned with improving her career that she willingly defended rapists so they could be released into the community and rape again. This can also be observed in the independent woman who is so consumed with thinking about what people can do to benefit her that she forgets her moral obligation to do what she can to benefit and uplift others. With the plethora of scenarios such as these, one cannot help but think of how we have allowed the opportunity of feminism to redefine us in an unnatural manner. This perspective is not intended to be an attack on those magnificent Ladies who fought for women’s rights, because a Sacred Lady should be appreciative of all opportunities provided for her. Rather, this perspective should bring caution to the women who have allowed the efforts of others to distract them from their natural-born tendency to be Ladies. This does not mean that a Lady should then resume her role to her husband and her children as her only position in life (unless she wants to), but it does mean that a Sacred Lady recognizes the balance between the importance of living an independent life with opportunity and understanding fully her capacity and responsibility to make a difference to others by using the innate qualities that make her a nurturing, divine creature.

For the sake of emphasis, the terms female and woman will be referred to in this reading where the basic characteristics of being female are referenced. However, Lady, Ladyhood, and Ladyness will be the most commonly expressed terms because this is the direction this book is intended to steer its audience. With that, I introduce to you the concept behind the masterpiece: Sacred Journey to Ladyhood: A Woman’s Guide through Her Write of Passage.

Defining Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a treatment approach that was created by Dr. Marsha Linehan and has been determined to be effective for a variety of mental health concerns, particularly women with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder—a population I was exposed to largely as a domestic violence and substance abuse counselor. Dialects are things that seem to be in conflict but are not. When one is dialectical, he- or she understands that things can be black and white, but most often things exist in the shades of grey. It is within these shades of grey, where we find the most truthful and healthy understanding of life’s circumstances. Thus, DBT is a treatment approach that is created to help achieve balance in life by learning ways to effectively manage difficult life situations through conceptualizing and acting on things in a healthy manner (Moonshine, 2008, chapter 1).

DBT is composed of four key components: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Mindfulness is a practice that assists one with staying in the moment. This cautions a person about the challenges of feeling depressed about past experiences and worrying about future experiences. By staying present and in the moment, one can most effectively experience difficult things in his- or her life. Distress tolerance helps one manage stress in a healthy and productive manner, which is important for healing to occur. One understands that stress will exist in his- or her life but that the way he- or she handles it will determine the subsequent outcome of the stress-inducing occurrence. Emotional regulation assists with the implementation of healthy emotional control. It is especially important in first identifying emotions and then identifying creative avenues for responding to emotions in ways that are healthy and beneficial to the person. And lastly, DBT addresses interpersonal effectiveness. In this domain, a person is encouraged to more appropriately respond to the relationships he- or she shares with others by understanding elements such as compassion while learning to take responsibility for his- or her own actions (Moonshine, 2008, chapter 1).

How to Use this Book

In this book, you will find a variety of empowerment tools. These tools will include quotes from various resources, examples from my real-life professional and personal experiences, supportive empirically based research, and helpful interventions/techniques. Each chapter is built upon common themes that I have seen in the various levels of females within my clinical practice. While the chapters presented here are relevant to many women, they do not exist in any particular order. Hence, you do not have to necessarily resolve one chapter before beginning another. The goal, however, is to be aware of the role each chapter plays in your life and to do what you can to mitigate its challenges.

One of the most helpful attributes in this book is the ability to experience your own journey through the spaces provided within its pages. While it is not mandatory that you write in the book, I imagine that working through some of your problems through writing will assist you along the empowering Sacred Journey to Ladyhood. If the space provided is not sufficient for you, feel free to use additional pages to assist you along your journey. Also, in case you have not figured it out, the title substitutes the word writes for rites in an effort to emphasize the degree of importance I place on the writing component of this book. At the end of the book, you will find Sacred Journey Journals and Sacred Journey Worksheets. Sacred Journey Journals are topics I think might be great avenues for you to write about in order to create additional opportunities for a more sacred approach to Ladyhood. Sacred Journey Worksheets are similar to Sacred Journey Journals, except the Sacred Journey Worksheets have a more structured question-and-answer component. Sacred Journey Journals require more flexibility and creativity than Sacred Journey Worksheets. I hope that you can use both the Sacred Journey Journals and Sacred Journey Worksheets to maximize your potential for becoming a Sacred Lady.

At the end of each chapter, a DBT summary of the conflict between the overall themes will be provided, followed by an explanation for eliminating and improving the impact of the conflicts. After each summary, you will find a positive affirmation. An affirmation is essentially any statement we make either positively or negatively about an idea. Each chapter will close with a prayer. Each of these components is intended to reinforce the concepts of each chapter and to be a source of empowerment for you. If at all possible, read them out loud before going on to the next chapter. Good luck and I hope you enjoy the journey.

Dialects Defined

Note: A DBT summary will not be provided here because there are no two opposing forces that seem to be in conflict in this section. However, DBT summaries will be provided at the end of each chapter moving forward.

Affirmation

I do not know what this journey holds for me. However, I have chosen to embark upon this challenge. While I know the road to empowerment will be difficult, I will have an open mind, an open heart, and openness for change. I understand that change can at times be difficult, but I am willing to do it in order to become the best Sacred Lady I can be. I am deserving of this change, and I will embrace what this journey holds for me.

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to you today asking for your mercy. I am about to embark on a journey toward empowerment. I do not know what this journey holds for me. I do not know who will emerge within in me as I approach the end of it. But what I do know is that I can do anything as long as I have your support. I know you have directed me to this source for a reason, and I trust that you will use this source to assist me with my Sacred Lady empowerment journey. Thank you for always giving me what I need when I need it, and help me to trust you as I take this leap of faith. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

Introduction

Until lions start writing down their own stories, the hunters will always be the heroes

~Kenyan Proverb

Welcome, Sacred Lady in the making! Your journey will include challenges that are commonly experienced by many of the women I treat in my clinical practice. The common themes this Sacred Journey will explore are self-confidence, relationships, intuition, family dynamics, personal identity, and spirituality. For many, these experiences come with various trials and tribulations. And though most of us will experience difficulty as we go through these concepts at some point in our transition into Ladyhood, society supplies us with few resources to assist us with meeting the challenges. This journey has been created for you as a tool to assist you with managing these difficulties with the class and grace that is inherently within you. This journey helps you create and tell your story.

This book is for Sacred Ladies in the making within the age range of approximately eighteen to thirty-two. If you fall within my target audience, then you may find comfort in knowing that I am one of your peers. I am a late twenty-something-year-old Sacred Lady who has experienced and continues to experience challenges similar to those listed in this book. I wanted to reach out to you at this time rather than later in my life because I feel that I can be more effective with you now as one of your peers. I believe that waiting until much later would position me as a more seasoned person who cannot relate as well to what you are going through. I hope to use my experiences and similarities to add insight into your life and assist you with meeting challenges as you travel along your Sacred Journey to Ladyhood.

You will find that much of this journey is intended to challenge societal expectations and create avenues for you to authentically redefine yourself as a Sacred Lady. Let’s start this journey by challenging some misconceptions about what the world teaches us to be. The world gives us the perception that the twenties is a good time for young women. I know for me this was enforced by sayings such as, You should be having the time of your life or Don’t worry. You can always worry about children/marriage/career later because you have time. Despite societal expectations, we have our own unique feelings. Sometimes, the more I am told not to worry about something, the more I seem to worry. This was confusing to me as a Sacred Lady in the making, and I was in deep search of liberation from this mindset. After much studying, training, and spiritual growth, I became particularly cautious about the overwhelming discrepancies between societal expectations of what we should want and what we actually want.

Have you ever felt this way?

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I encourage you to have this conversation with your peers. Ask your peers how their perceptions of what they would like to do with their lives compares to societal influences. If you have, then you have probably found that these discrepancies between our desires and the expectations of society are common. (Trust me. Even if your friends are not talking about them, they are having them.) The reason for this is that most of societies’ expectations of what it means to be normal, directly conflicts with what our spiritually driven, Ladyhood desires, encourage us to do. Most of us do not know the first thing about who we are as spiritual beings, which is necessary to live a life of meaning and purpose. Without this knowledge, we can’t possibly be having the time of our lives in the sacred manner of which we are capable.

Dr. Meg Jay (2012), author of The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now, has more than a decade of experience working with twenty-something clients. She provides a thought-provoking and inspiring read that aims to challenge societal assumptions of the twenties as being a version of late adolescence and challenges societal norms. She discusses many of the challenges associated with not using your twenties as a time for securing a career, dating with the intention of marriage, or carefully considering your fertility. Within her book, she proposed that most of your life’s accomplishments will take place before the age of 35 (Jay, 2012)! Hence, why would one want to wait until the last few years to cram all the good stuff in, without thoroughly creating a platform for your accomplishments to grow and prosper? This book was particularly important for me as a therapist as well. I had the burden of treating clients in their thirties, forties, and sometimes even older who were battling challenges based on choices they made in their twenties that remained unresolved. It was during this line of work that I became particularly conscious of the magnitude of the misperceptions society places on our young twenty-something’s, especially our young women.

After contemplating this for quite some time, I decided to create a template to follow that included examples and feedback from myself and others regarding the challenges that interfere with our pursuit of Ladyhood. This project I have created includes you. If you feel I have addressed your concerns in any way, I want to invite you to join in this journey with me, and together we will work to empower you to become the best Sacred Lady you can be.

A Write Rite of Passage for Women

In times past there were rituals of passage that conducted a girl into womanhood, where other women passed along the wisdom and responsibilities that needed to be shared. But today we have no rituals. We are not conducted into womanhood; we simply find ourselves there.

~Anonymous

One reason I think it is difficult for women to smoothly transition into Sacred Ladyhood is that our society does not support a rite of passage that teaches us. Have you ever