Whispers from My Rocking Chair: The Transformation of an Incest Survivor

By Marcia J. Terpstra

This book is about the LIGHT in my life. This book is not my book. It belongs to HIM. After writing my first book, and His book too, "Splinters from my Rocking Chair" that depicts the very dark in my life as a result of incest, I knew I had to write about the LIGHT in my life; the LIGHT that saved me.
I lived in so much darkness through so much of my life as a result of incest but also because of my religious upbringing. This upbringing promoted the casting out of so many and I bought into it. I believed in them, not HIM. I then decided I had to stop fighting mankind and trying to prove my worthiness to them.
I went to the GOSPELS and there I found Jesus and that He was on my side, not theirs. He was against the so called religious. He was on my side, our side. He sought after the broken and the sick and all those who were so lost. He loved all those who had gone astray and the weak in spirit. He went after those who needed HIM.
This book is about my walk with JESUS!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477270639

Marcia J. Terpstra

My full name is Marcia Jean Terpstra. I was raised in Wyoming, Michigan. I now live back home in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I am an incest survivor. Once I understood the magnitude of what had happened to me, I went on a mission to do what I could to stop sexual abuse of any kind against children. I became determined to help. I wrote my first book "Splinters from my Rocking Chair". This book was of the raw pain in my life. The dark book that would hopefully shed light into the world as to what sexual assault of any kind does to a child; a stolen soul, an undeveloped heart, a lost spirit. But thankfully, I am a survivor so there must be a second book. This book is about my transformation. Because I am a survivor I had to write this book. I wrote both these books in order to fight the war against childhood sexual abuse. I wrote to do my part and when I am gone my fight will remain, so the world will forever know and will never forget. In the meantime, my next book will be about the matters of the heart!

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© 2012 by Marcia J. Terpstra. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

All Scriptures are from the Amplified Bible except where otherwise noted.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/15/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4772-6998-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7063-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012917156

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The Chapters

Loving-Kindness/Heart

Joy/Happiness

Peace/Rest

Patience/Time

Tenderness/Mercy

Goodness/Blessings

Faith/Faithfulness

Gentleness/Compassion

Self-Control/Discipline

Shelter/Protection

Truth/Promise

Gratitude/Humility

Creation

Grace

Countenance

Purpose

Belonging

Freedom/Surrender

Spirit/Wisdom

Restoration—Hope and Healing

The Children

Social Change

I am!

THIS,

my life

began in my mother’s womb

Then and thereafter I belonged to

HIM!

THE WORD

O Lord, You have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.

You know my downsitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off.

You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered] but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have beset me and shut me in—behind and before, and You have laid Your hand upon me.

Your knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high above me, I cannot reach it.

Where could I go from Your Spirit? Or where could I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol (the place of the dead), behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there shall Your hand lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me and the night shall be [the only] light about me,

Even the darkness hides nothing from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self (my soul) knows right well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought (as if embroidered with various colors) in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].

Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, [could I count to the end] I would still be with You.

from PSALM 139

There were two souls that walked this earth that saved me. There were two spirits that God proclaimed to be my guardian angels.

These two spirits were lovers of my soul. For without them I would have surely died.

And God knew it.

And Jesus breathed it in them to be like Him and to love me. Love was the Spirit in them.

These two souls; these two spirits; are my two sisters, Sharon and Diane; Diane and Sharon. I owe my living to them. I will be like Him and forever love them.

THE WORD

I will send to you a Comforter . . . a Helper . . .

And He did, through them!

from JOHN 14

…and JESUS breathed

in them

to LOVE

ME…

…for the most precious of all things,

is to love…

there is no greater place of

PEACE!

Loving-Kindness/Heart

THE WORD

And so faith, hope, love abide . . . these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:13a & c

But earnestly desire and zealously cultivate the greatest and best gifts and graces (the higher gifts and the choicest graces). And yet I will show you a still more excellent way [one that is better by far and the highest of them all—love]. 1 CORINTHIANS 12:31

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-5

Let everything you do be done in love (true love to God and man as inspired by God’s love for us). 1 CORINTHIANS 16:14

Living as becomes you, with complete lowliness of mind (humility) and meekness (unselfishness, gentleness, mildness), with patience, bearing with one another and making allowances because you love one another. EPHESIANS 4:2

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love’s complete perfection]. 1 JOHN 4:18

No man has at any time [yet] seen God. But if we love one another, God abides (lives and remains) in us and His love . . . is brought to completion (to its full maturity, runs its full course, is perfected) in us! 1 JOHN 4:12

The Lord is my Strength and my [impenetrable] Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him. PSALM 28:7

Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for and hope for and expect the Lord! PSALM 31:24

Mercy and loving-kindness and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other. PSALM 85:10

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. PROVERBS 4:23

She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit]. PROVERBS 31:20

There are many different kinds of hearts.

But theirs was the heart of Christ.

Sharon and Diane, Diane and Sharon—these are my two sisters.

Listed in birth order first, and listed again so there will never be a comparison to the measure of each one’s heart; each one’s individual love.

I saw Jesus in them and wanted more. Their love for me drew me in and I needed more. It was through them that I, for the first time ever understood what true love really is. It is only their love for me that began my healing. Without them I would surely be gone forever.

They accepted me with all my imperfections and never once pointed a finger at me to condemn me. They embraced me and listened to me and heard me.

They made countless personal sacrifices for me.

They visited me. We played, we laughed, we cried. We had conversations that mattered. They opened the door to my heart. They were faithful to me. They stayed in touch with me and always gave me their gift of Christmas. I waited anxiously for their boxes. They gave many other heartfelt gifts along the way; gifts that took much time and energy on their part; gifts truly from their heart. Their love was relentless.

Ever so slowly, without my even knowing, they were filling the gap between life and death for me. They became the provider I never ever had before and the protectors of my soul as I had never known before.

They saw the good in me and tapped into the fountain of love that was within me. I had suppressed it in me all my life. There were many reasons I did so; fear, lack of trust, no one to help me or comfort me. I was so all alone even in my few committed relationships, and in my friendships.

Something was missing and through my sister’s love for me I was finally able to understand what was gone from me—Jesus. He didn’t leave me but I had left Him. I saw His light through them. God used them to bring me home, back into His fold.

My sisters became the light in my life. It was through them that I saw His Light. They were full of Light and Love!

We had not always been close. In our childhood we were made to be set apart from one another. Not just as sisters but also from our four brothers. Because of all the secrets there was little communication with each other as children. We were reprimanded for questioning, especially when it came to the church and religion.

We all, each of us, lived very lonely lives; privately. The rituals of everyday life were the only thing that kept us connected.

Oh yes, there was church every Sunday, twice even. And there was Sunday school and catechism and Calvinets. We were full of such good looking practices. But never was there any true love in sight or arms to hold us.

As we grew older and out of the house, each of us went down our own separate path. There was no bonding so there was no understanding of our need to stay together. Some of us went down the path of a more traditional way of life. A couple of us became more radical and rebellious. One got crazy with religion; I got crazy because of religion.

As time went on I coveted my sibling’s perfect lives—husbands, wives, children, home ownership, stability, dependability, security. Lives that were perfect from where I sat. No divorces from any of them; not my parents nor from any of my married brothers or sisters. My Life!!! Well, it was a disaster. I stood alone with all my imperfections. It seemed I was the only tainted one.

No matter what or who I touched it became a twister. I loved so hard but nothing seemed to work nor did it ever really seem to come back to me.

Years passed and eventually, due to family circumstances my sisters and I were pressed together in a fight for love; to love, to freely love and to be loved, and that each of us had a deep need to be embraced in love.

I found out that they too had fountains that needed tapping into. I was no longer alone. That infectious love brought in our brothers and our parents. Slowly, we were becoming family once again and for the first time.

Love begins in one’s own inherited spirit. One must honor their God-given, Spirit-given love that is planted in them from birth. Each one of us must tap into, embrace and live by our own God given heart.

This is the love I have been missing!

That love from within instead of searching for love from outside of me. That love within that I have been born with; that love that rights all wrongs along the way. The greatest love of all, a love that grants me peace!

A love that then passes on to others.

A Jesus touch!

I will never understand those who seem, not wanting to be loved. How can that be? We were not created not to love. Nor were we created not needing to be loved. We were created to be God’s vessels for the sole purpose of letting love flow. We were created for love to flow through us and for love to come back to us. That is what our hearts are for. Our only God—given mission on this earth is to live through the vessel of our hearts.

Nothing else matters!

I have known a number of cold hearted people in my life. Some were merely interested in personal gains; there were a couple only interested in outward appearances and one or two that were just simply stone cold. They were mountains that could not be moved. I fought against every one of them. I fought long and hard. I mean long and hard and with a fury.

The only one that changed was me.

They remain the same.

I changed. I had to alter and adjust my life around them. I had to give up my battle.

I had to sever my heartstrings. I had to sever my heartstrings from them; cut my cord.

I had to prepare their funeral; bury their living. I had to mourn their loss; grieve their death in my life.

To the cold hearted, one day if you are ever able, maybe you will find your own heart strings; pick them up and pass them on.

If so, then I will be there; waiting.

For it is true what they say; actions do speak louder than words!

I believe that when it is all over, we will be judged not so much by the sins we have committed along the way; after all they are forgiven each time we pray; they were all forgiven at the cross. But rather we will be judged by the growth of our hearts. We will be judged by the measure of our love.

For the greater the love the less the sin!

For LOVE COVERS!

Joy/Happiness

THE WORD

To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. ISAIAH 61:3

Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs. ISAIAH 61:7

You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness. PSALM 30:11

A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing . . . PROVERBS 17:22a

To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. PSALM 30:12

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is steadfast and confident! I will sing and make melody. PSALM 57:7

Awake, my glory (my inner self); awake, harp and lyre! I will awake right early [I will awaken the dawn]! PSALM 57:8

Light is sown for the [uncompromisingly] righteous and strewn along their pathway, and joy for the upright in heart [the irrepressible joy which comes from