Broken Sparrow (The War Within): Have You Ever Wondered, "Why Do I Do the Things I Do?" Only to Get the Answer.

By Evelyn

Has someone ever hurt or treated you so badly that you had to beg God to help you to forgive them, and to take away the pain? Or did you ever love someone so much that everything in your life was turned and flipped upside down? Or maybe you wanted something so much, but it seemed too far out of your reach for you to even begin to think that it was possible? Life doesnt come with a book of Instructions, unfortunately. Well be the author of most of the people we allow into our lives, business or personal. It doesnt matter how good we try to be or if were religious enough or even faithful; there will come a time in everyones life when theyll have to cry, rich or poor.

Sometimes well get dealt a hand in life that we cant win, but someone else can take that same hand and annihilate their opponents. Well, for Evelyn, that hand was dealt, and someone did take it and win. The unfortunate part is, she came from within. As a child, Evelyn developed multiple personality disorder. I cant begin to tell you about all of the hurt and pain she suffered at the hands of her alters and the people who claimed to love her.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781449768478

Evelyn

“Hello again! I hope that using my notes, some of my friends experience and enough research, I created a series of practical books, full of wonderful smells, juices and colours of nature! Back to Nature! Back to the pure and original sense of life! The journey begins and it’s up to us to choose our destination! It is so nice, so calming, refreshing and freeing to learn new or forgotten things, that bring us a bit closer to our true nature! Thank you for being here!”

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Copyright © 2012 by Evelyn.

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ISBN: 978-1-4497-6408-1 (sc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012915176

WestBow Press rev. date: 09/10/2012

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Eve

Jean

Samaria

Spice

Willow

Deanna

Tony

Janet

Jean

How It Works

Grace

Dedications

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Introduction

I was inspired to write this book by so many years of watching the pain and suffering of others, Family Members, Friends, Associates, even Strangers. The same fear, shame, guilt, and hurt that infected many I endured for what seemed like a lifetime. As a child, a part of me suffered from MPD (Multiple Personalities Disorder), DID led to Multiple Addictions (as an adult) and severe consequences, including the loss of her children.

If there’s anyone reading this who struggle with Drug Addiction, Alcoholism, Sexual Addiction, Spousal Abuse (victim or perpetrator), Eating Disorders, Addiction to Love or Relationships, The need to control other’s and everything around you, Perfectionism, Attention Deficit, Constantly Judging others, and especially Religion, or if you feel you have no purpose or clueless to what it is; By the time you finish reading my story, I hope you will have a different way of looking at the people in your life, your challenges, what you think are your failures, and a new Perspective in what you believe.

When you’ve (or a loved one) suffered from any of the struggles I’ve mentioned; there’s definitely going to be Anger, Unforgiveness, a certain amount of Bitterness, Insecurities ect . . . involved Mentally.

If you’re still reading, I take it I’ve captured your attention, I don’t know if your Captivation is through pain from understanding where I’m coming from, Curiosity, or just plain Boredom, whatever the case, Please continue.

I want to ask you a few questions, and since I’m unable to see your response or hear your answer, I’m asking you to be honest with yourself, for yourself.

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a strong confident man or woman who knows what their purpose in life is and who truly loves themselves and others? Or do you see a person who can stand strong in their beliefs, even if there’s no one standing with you? Or do you see someone you’ve allowed others to design and create?

When you look in the mirror do you see a man or woman you have to be because that’s who everyone else says you have to be?

Or do you see someone you can’t stand to look at because you’ve allowed others to create your image? How many faces do you wear and none of them are who you really are?

I am now going to twists the questions slightly. What drives you? Are you driven by Money, Power, Attention, What you believe is success, Love for family, Helping others, The amount of Degrees or Certificates you can accomplish, Or again Religion (trying to figure out, live and know all of the mysteries of the Bible)?.

Or is your drive to impress people, maybe so they’ll like you? Do you lead them to believe things about you that’s not all the way true? Are you trying to convince people to believe that you got it going on when you’re really in debt, because you’re trying to compete or keep up with the Jones, You’re robbing Peter to pay Paul? How much of yourself do you give to be in the company of others? Are you hanging around people you don’t necessary care for or respect; just for the sake of saying you know them?

Do you smile and put on a front on the outside, but when you get home you can’t stop crying, sometimes you don’t even know why?

When you see that family member that hurt you, or that friend who betrayed you, even though the pain is historical it’s still fresh and very much alive when your eyes meet theirs, And you wish so bad that the pain will go away one day, but it doesn’t.

Now if you’ve ever cried out that you’re tired of hurting or sick to death of trying to please people and you just want to be free or know what your purpose is so you can get on the right track, I ask you again to please continue to read.

How far are you willing to go to get the things you want? If a stranger approached you and offered you a key to the door that would change your life completely, would you take it?

If I took a gun and shot someone, it wouldn’t matter what color of skin the person has, the pain would still be the same. My point is no matter what the color, ethnicity, or your background; if you come from money or you grew up poor and now you have money, or you’ve been poor all of your life and still are.

Pain is pain. So he who has an ear to hear let him Hear!

There are Doctors who write about Multiple Personalities, And because of their relationship with their patients, they’re able to share different experiences and give their personal theories on certain matters. I know most people are closed to believing this illness is real; I assure you there are real people who suffer dearly, as I’ll share with you. Some people are severely ill and have a memory lapse and are unable to share their story to the fullest.

Then you have people like me who don’t suffer from amnesia, just the struggle of being who you are; however, when you’re many, that’s when it becomes complicated.

By the way, my name is Jean and I’m an extension of a little girl named Grace, I co-exist with a few more alters.

Before I go into Grace’s story, I’m going to say, I believe everyone has more than one Interior face, most people will never allow their alter to be exposed from fear of what people will think; In a lot of cases that’s a wise decision, if who you really are hurts anyone or even yourself I suggest you get the proper help.

I’ve been around for almost as long as Grace and I’ve watched the birth of the others. I know each one of them better than they know themselves; I’m what the doctor’s call an External Helper.

I have no attachments towards any of Grace’s Companions; Therefore, I’m able to be objective (in that), I’m most qualified to share their experiences.

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Chapter One

One of my earliest memories is when Grace was 3 years old, at that time she had two older brothers (Jermaine 5, Gary 4 and a younger sister Gretchen 2), Grace’s dad name was Jerry, and he was a good looking and charming man with a very outgoing personality; At that time he was also an Alcoholic who beat on Grace’s mom Silvia, who was also very attractive (though totally different in personality), she was timid and shy.

Jerry would brutally beat on Silvia, he’d punch and kick her (if I’m not mistaken a few broken bones at times), most of the time the children would witness Jerry’s barbaric behavior (It’s a sad thing for a child to see the person they love very much get slapped, punched with an open fist and kicked around as if she was and animal, not saying animals should be treated like that, there’s no reason for such behavior), Sometimes Silvia would get it if she served Jerry his dinner warm (he liked his food steaming hot).

Anyway, I remember the day Grace’s first alter emerged (outside of myself), this one particular day Jermaine and Gary were in their bedroom playing during a physical altercation, Jerry was having with Silvia; neither parent noticed Grace and Gretchen had slipped out of the front door and onto the porch.

Grace knew they were doing something wrong, because as they were walking out the door she kept looking back in a panic and pointing at her little sister, trying to warn Jerry and Silvia.

Gretchen was walking towards the stairs; Grace knew she was going to fall if someone didn’t get her, so she was getting very upset (by this time, her heartbeat was almost twice as fast as normal), when she turned around and looked back into the house, she could see her mother crawling on the floor trying to get away from her abuser.

Grace is now crying because of the agony her mother is suffering, and at the same time she’s traumatized as she turns back and forth pointing her finger at Gretchen and trying to tell them (as best a 3 year old could), that her baby sister is about to fall down the porch stairs.

Jerry is yelling and kicking Silvia without any thought of what may be going on around him (his voice was loud and authoritive, It’s hard for anyone to hear over it, and I’m quite sure he or Silvia couldn’t hear a 3 year old over the intensity of their own drama), Poor little Grace probably thought if her sister fell, she was going to get the same thing her mommy was getting, as the tears rushed down her little cheeks, her heartbeat is getting more rapid than before, she was terrified. She stood there as if she was in a state of shock (I can still remember the numbness she felt, in that moment), and that’s when Tony made his day view.

I literally felt his birth, and he was very angry. Tony slowly walked towards Gretchen; however, I could still feel Grace’s fear, it was unreal, feeling these different emotions, but seeing no one (including myself).

By this time Gretchen had climbed to the top of the banister (she just stood there chuckling, as if she didn’t have a care in the world) not aware of the danger she was facing (In Buffalo, New York, a lot of houses are made like that 1970’s television show, Archie Bunker). The banister was wide enough for a small child to walk around without falling, if they didn’t stagger.

Anyway, Gretchen was just standing there (looking around) as Tony walked towards her, Grace had attempted one last time (still in fear) to worn her parents about the potential danger, which awaited Gretchen. Gretchen gonna fall she said (sounding absolutely adorable, as if she was about to cry) with tears now appearing, she was so frightened.

When she turned her head, she was directly in front of her little sister (Tony made his way over to her just that quick). When Grace looked up she was just about to call Gretchen’s name to warn her, she then reached out her arms as if she was going to try to help her get down, that’s when Tony pushed her.

Grace was devastated, I don’t remember if a neighbor went to Gretchen’s rescue or her parents came out when they heard her terrifying screams.

I do know two things, Grace didn’t push Gretchen, and tony is as real as I am; You know after all of these years Gretchen still has that scar on her face, at times when she and Grace are talking face to face, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Ok, during the next few months, Silvia continued to tolerate Jerry’s abuse, she had (at this point) been with him for over 3 years. Silvia and Jerry came from two entirely different backgrounds; Jerry grew up in a nice middle class neighborhood, He was raised by both his parents, his mother pastored a church in Buffalo, she and her husband lived a very peaceful and successful life, they had 9 to 11 children, and they also had a strong and happy marriage. I personally remember Grace’s grandmother, she was the most gentle and warmest human being I’ve (till this day) ever encountered.

Now on the other hand, Silvia grew up in foster care, she was in a very abusive home where she was being verbally abused and I believe physically as well (don’t quote me on that part), I also met Silvia’s biological mom, Marcia, She was a violent alcoholic; Silvia met her dad, maybe once (I think), like I said very different backgrounds.

Anyway, Mildred (Silvia’s neighbor) persuaded Silvia to leave Jerry, she herself had escaped a similar past with her ex-husband (As you probably know Domestic Violence is very common, and it doesn’t matter the Culture, Financial, or Religious background). Silvia and Jerry weren’t married, so there wasn’t any legal pursues; Silvia walked away with the 4 children, and Jerry kept the car, house and everything else.

Not long after the breakup, Grace and Gretchen ended up in foster care themselves, Jermaine and Gary stayed with Silvia; During that time away is when Grace’s 3rd alter appeared, her name is Janet, and there are two words to describe her, Possessive and Controlling.

During the time the girls were away, Grace experienced favoritism on Gretchen’s behalf coming from their foster parents (Mr. and Mrs. Purdy), they treated Gretchen better than they did Grace, and they showered her with attention and were always telling her how cute she was, but when they looked at Grace it was always, go do something; Even though there was a great amount of attention lavished upon Gretchen, I never felt any jealousy from Grace towards her baby sister, she cared for her a great deal.

I’ll never forget the first day the girls were reunited with their family in their new home. After Silvia reintroduced the kids, she walked off. All of the children were in the Living room, the boys were so excited, they were telling the girls all about their adventures and wanted to show them their new toys; Jermaine started walking towards the back, he then turned around and said to his younger siblings Come on, let’s go play with the toys, Gretchen followed behind Gary (they were headed into the area where Jermaine was leading, when Janet snatched Gretchen by the shirt) No she told Grace’s little sister You’re staying with me Gretchen then looked up at Janet disappointedly (by this time she knew she wasn’t always dealing with Grace, she had spent a lot of time with Janet while they were away, You know they say kids and animals have a good instinct when it comes to evil, I know she knew it wasn’t Grace it was the other one I’m sure she thought to herself.) I want to play with my brothers Gretchen said (with her voice trembling, Gretchen now 4, and Grace 5) Janet’s cold eye’s never lost hers as she replied You make a choice it’s me or them, and if you pick them, you’ll never play with me again, Gretchen’s face looked so pitiful as she looked down towards the floor Ok she said in a submissive voice; then they both walked off into the opposite direction to explore their new home.

During this liberated time, Silvia developed some since of freedom along with a drinking problem. When she and Jerry was together he didn’t allow a lot of things, and out of control drinking along with a house full of people was some of them (unless it was him and his company), but it was a green light for Silvia’s newly found lifestyle as well as Grace’s.

Since Silvia was independent now, she could do whatever she wanted, and she did; she started off by moving Jermaine and Gary’s biological dad into her house (Jerry wasn’t their real dad), Big Jermaine drank a lot, but you couldn’t tell when he was intoxicated (unlike Silvia, and it didn’t take much to fuel her fire), she drank a lot and loved it, but it didn’t love her, she was the type that should never touch a drink, I’m talking about 100% out of control.

If she wasn’t crying and yelling about how much no body loved her, she was flipping tables and kicking furniture over; from what I can recall, there were more drinking and wild partying than quiet nights.

When there’s that much activity going on (and there are children involved) so is neglect. Silvia did forget to feed the kids at times, not to mention there wasn’t a lot of motherly love either (wait a minute, that’s not all the way true) sometimes, during the wee hours of the morning, around 2 to maybe 5 A:M when the kids were sleeping and Silvia was feeling unloved and needed a hug or whatever, she would wake them up, just to accommodate her, then you have the times where she was sober (wait a minute), that’s when the self-pity was going on (sorry), still no time for motherly affection.

The drinking normally started early in the morning, and lasted until, well let’s just say, until. There would be a lot of talking, laughing and fighting; A lot of times Silvia and her guest would gather their drinks and then vanish, they would leave the house a total wreck, there would be broken glass in the living room (where most of the partying was) along with empty beer cans laying around on the tables and floor, the furniture would sometimes be pushed over with dried blood on the walls, floors and broken glass.

Silvia also reconnected with her biological brother Chuck (she had some sort of relationship with him when they were teenagers, If I’m not mistaken, but lost it), I guess after her and Jerry got together, it just dissolved (they’re definitely making up for lost time, at this point), he hung out at the house and drank with the rest of the crew, most of the time when he came he wasn’t alone (let’s just say he brought his own group of friends), there was a pimp named Leroy, and he of course bought a few of his workers (we’ll call them), a few females. If walls could talk, they would be writing a book of their own.

One morning, Grace walked into the living room; as she looked around, she