Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male: Creating Loving Relationships That Will Last a Lifetime

By Mike Love

Do you want to experience a more loving, intimate life with the one you love? There is hope for couples who are struggling to keep their union together. The fine line between a mundane relationship and an extraordinary one depends on what you bring to it.

In Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male, Mike Love shares the story of his own troubled journey, from being a self-centered, immature, and angry man to a more open, loving, and compassionate person.

Through his own struggles, Mike has transformed his ordeals into wisdom that he shares with men who are at that critical turning point in their lives and for the women who love them. This book offers hope and down-to-earth guidance for couples who desire a richer, more satisfying relationship, far beyond their wildest dreams.

It addresses important issues like mens anger and violence, midlife transitions, infidelity, love, sex, and intimacy. It also includes a survey of what women want from the men in their lives. Are you ready to open the door thats deep within your heart and rediscover the miraculous power of love? Then this is the book for you!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 3, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452534626

Book preview

Confessions

of a Recovering Stupid Male

Creating Loving Relationships That Will Last a Lifetime

Mike Love

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Copyright © 2011 Mike Love

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-3462-6 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-3461-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-3463-3 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011907200

Printed in the United States of America

Balboa Press rev. date: 5/31/2011

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1. Once Upon a Time – A Love Story

Chapter 2. The Dark Side of Men

Chapter 3. Anger, Violence and Men

Chapter 4. The Mid-Life Crazies

Chapter 5. Coping with Infidelity

Chapter 6. What Women Really Want

in a Relationship

Chapter 7. The Art of Loving

and the Desire for Sacred Sex

Chapter 8. 12 Steps to Becoming

a Recovering Stupid Male

Chapter 9. The Emerging of an Enlightened Male

Chapter 10. The Greater Challenge Ahead of Us

(All You Need Is Love!)

Recommended Reading

Acknowledgments

There is so much to be thankful for in this journey I have embarked upon in the writing of this book. In the four years I have worked on this, I have grown from a struggling individual who was trying to find my way in life, to an enlightened sojourner following my passion to help others wake up so they may follow theirs as well.

Through the ups and downs in the creation of this book, I am truly blessed that Spirit has inspired me to be the author and the messenger, to help others live a loving, passionate life that we were each meant to live. To move from the ordinary to the strange and wonderful, we simply need to be open to what our dharma’s calling is for us, and to fulfill what we are here to do.

Without these special souls who have come into my life, I don’t know where I’d be today. I owe a debt of gratitude to the following people:

My dear friend and sister in Spirit, Patti Collins, whom together we have lost someone close to our hearts and have cried on each others shoulder during those dark times. Thank you for being a big fan and encouraging me along the path in writing this book. I appreciated your assessment of each chapter and giving counsel in the direction I was going. It has meant so much to me!

To Fran Firstwater, my friend, guide, and confidante, who also has encouraged and supported me during the writing, reading many of the chapters and giving me the feedback I needed. You are a kindred spirit that I know we’ve met in other lifetimes. Thank you for your spiritual mentoring, especially during my more ego-centered times where you lovingly knocked me down a few notches to get my attention on what is most important in life. You are an angel!

And to Shirley Davis, my editor and mentor, who has guided me during the whole transformation of this book; who has been a tough taskmaster at times. Thank you, Shirley for pressing me on to where I am today.

A big thank you to both Terry Chastain and my son David for being the mediums in which these mysterious synchonicities guided my life in the direction to start writing. What an interesting trip it has been thus far.

I would also like to thank the ladies who inspired me to use the title for this book, predicting it would be a bestseller, and to write it. A special thank you to the women who participated in the survey I conducted on what they want in a relationship. Your input was extremely valuable! And, to the people who have shared their deepest sorrow with me, and who believe their story will help make a difference in someone else’s life.

To my sons T.J. and David, whom I can’t express my gratitude enough for the special times they’ve shared with me. Despite not always being a dad they could look up to, they were patient with me. Thank you for believing in me as I continue my journey as a recovering stupid male. You are the joy of my heart! I love you guys!

And most importantly, to the love of my life, my beautiful wife Shelley, who has endured years of hard times, hurt and frustration. Most women would have cut ties and moved on long ago. I’m sure there were some who wondered why you hadn’t done the same. I am deeply in your debt for staying the course and being a part of my life. Thank you Shelley, for your love, commitment, and friendship! You truly are one who is an example of Tao-consciousness. If anyone is deserving of the Mother Teresa Award it is you, my love! Always and forever yours.

Foreword

When Mike asked me to write this forward, I was happy to be able to do so. I am so proud of my husband! This has been a long roller coaster ride for him. Over the years we have known each other there have been many projects that he has started, and just as many that were left unfinished.

I know that he has had some good days and some bad days struggling with writing this book. There were times he had to back away and take a few days off. But he always came back fired up and surrendered himself to his writing.

He had to deal with some painful events in his past, and through his writing he has been able to heal these hurts and move forward. Each day is an ongoing process in his recovery, and like the rest of us, we deal with issues whether big or small. He has come a long way and grown tremendously in the last few years. I know that being able to finish something as important as this book has been to him has given Mike great joy in accomplishing this.

In all honesty, it has been very hard for me at times to have patience to deal with Mike over the years, but I saw in him and still see in him a kind and loving man who has a true heart of gold. After an argument, I could see in him the regret he felt from his actions or the words that were spoken.

There were times I couldn’t understand why he acted the way he did, but I knew that we could find a way to work things out. In our darkest times Mike would find comfort in reading for self-improvement, or when we were in therapy we found guidance to help deal with these issues. This was only temporary, unfortunately. When he finished a book, or after our sessions ended, the same issues would come back up again. We were stuck in a rut that we couldn’t get out of.

After Mike started writing, I began to see that he was making serious changes in his life. He really saw how angry and moody he had been through the years and was aware of the mistakes he has made in our marriage.

I truly believe that for Mike, writing was a channel for healing and growth. He went through times of sorrow to the point that he questioned whether he should continue writing. He felt like a hypocrite; giving guidance when he was struggling himself. But, because he was struggling he was able to feel what he was writing, and deal with his problems while he was working through them.

My husband’s wish in writing this book is that it will help others deal with some of the same issues he has struggled with over the years. I think you will find this a book of encouragement and support. In these pages you will be able to relate to some of the things he has gone through.

This book will also give you the tools to see in yourselves the things that may need to be worked on. I think men will greatly benefit from this book. But I also believe that women will benefit as well by helping them understand why men act the way they do and in reading this, be able to help themselves and there loved ones to heal and grow.

I would like to conclude with this verse from a Valentine card I gave Mike this year. It sums up my love for him and to encourage the readers that you can have love in your lives, too.

I will love you

when you are confident

and proud of everything

that you stand for,

and when you need me

to remind you

how far you’ve come,

and that there is no limit

to how far you can go…..

– Shelley Love

Introduction

When I first came up with the term "recovering stupid male," I was using it to convey my own journey through the stages of the male ego: crisis, enlightenment and recovery.

Some of the women I talked with found the term amusing and thought it was a clever way of characterizing what they wished their husbands or boyfriends would evolve into, and suggested I should write a book, saying, It would be a best seller!

Others thought I was putting myself and other men down by calling the male species stupid, (though the term stupid males and similar terms for describing the male gender has been around for years).

Personally, I thought it was a humorous, yet accurate term for us who are beginning to realize we need to make these changes in our attitudes and behaviors toward ourselves and our world if we are to be free to live happy, fulfilling lives.

This is the time when men must go through major soul searching and shifting in our beliefs about our relationships: to our spouses, significant others, children, friends and co-workers.

We are becoming more aware of the importance of our health and getting yearly check ups, having healthier eating habits and diet, exercising more, being more in-tune with our emotions and how they affect our lives and those around us.

For me, I have to continually exorcise my demons from the socially approved male indoctrination that has been instilled in me since birth, and constantly having to deal with my emotions by being in harmony with them.

I also need to keep my male ego in check and not let it get in the way of treating other people with dignity and respect. That can only happen when I’m focused, finding value within myself.

I know when I get into a negative mindset and get caught up in my own selfishness, I don’t treat myself or others with value. I become a real ass! I can be rude, inconsiderate, and distant; I don’t care about other people’s feelings.

Later, when I reflect on my behavior, I feel embarrassed and angry with myself; my self-esteem takes a nose dive. But when I focus in on what I really want – to treat others around me with kindness, for instance, I find not only do I feel good about myself, other people are feeling valued as well! More times than not, they return kindness back to me, increasing my value and energy.

The important thing about being a recovering stupid male is this: like other people in recovery, you may take three steps forward and feel on top of the world! But just when you think you have it all together, you plunge two steps back. It’s very easy at this point to become frustrated, depressed and have a whopping pity-party. When one’s self-worth takes a hit one can feel like a real phony!

This is my third attempt at writing this book and I have experienced all of these feelings before, and I’m sure I will go through them again. The previous times I abandoned my writing I had relapsed into my old, stupid male ways and felt like a real hypocrite, thinking, Why should I be writing about this subject if I can’t keep it together myself?

The trick, I believe, is not having that pity-party or getting down on yourself. Be aware that this is part of the recovery process and evaluate your mistakes accordingly. Make amends if you have wronged another person, and learn from these mistakes by growing toward and becoming a more enlightened human being.

In the spring of 2006 I was at a friend’s house that I have known for years. I had just lost my full time night shift position and was transferred to part time on days and feeling really down about it. Not only was I making less pay, but I also lost my $2.50 an hour premium with this move.

I was contemplating looking into a different profession, but really didn’t have any direction for where I wanted to go. I shared my situation with my friend and asked for his advice.

While tuning his guitar my friend responded, Why don’t you write? That’s all he said. At the time, he didn’t know that I was considering writing a book and his answer took me by surprise.

A few months later my wife and I were standing outside on the front porch, gazing at the stars and the crescent moon that had risen above the horizon. It was a very hot summer evening and there was a nice gentle breeze cooling us off.

Our youngest son, David, came out to join us and got involved in the conversation we were having. At one point, he reminded me of something we had talked about earlier and said, Dad, you should write a book, you have a lot of important things to say. Again, I was being challenged to write. And this time the Universe had captured my attention.

In James Redfield’s extraordinary book, The Celestine Prophecy, he talks about synchronicities that happen every day in our lives. We may receive a Divine message or encounter with someone that comes to us at the exact right moment, to direct or guide us on our life’s journey.

In both my friend’s and my son’s responses I felt a confirmation for what I needed to do. Discipline has never been a strong point for me, so it took a couple of months to get to the point of writing again. If it hadn’t been for me being moved to day shift, I wouldn’t have had the time or the energy to sit down and write this book.

I’m learning that what I perceive as a bad event that happens to me, may in fact, turn out to have positive outcomes. It all depends on how I look at the situation.

In writing Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male I came to the conclusion that, in all fairness, both men and women can have these negative attributes. This has also been brought to my attention by many of the men and women I talk to. It isn’t just a male thing, this can also happen to women as well. And I agree.

I, too, have met quite a few men who do not fit into the category of the stupid male type. They are involved in the unfolding of their own enlightenment and are a promising example for the rest of us men who need to wake up and begin the journey and join them.

This book is written for those of us who desire to be awakened, and start the process of becoming Who We Are Uniquely Meant To BE! This book is also written for all the frustrated women in these men’s lives – the wives, girlfriends, mothers and women in general who have to deal with the stupid male mentality everyday.

It is my hope that this book will be a blessing, enlightening those who read it. In using the term, stupid male, I don’t mean to be impolite or offensive to other men. It is meant in an entertaining sort of way, a kind of laughing at ourselves as men.

But, more importantly, it is a challenge to men who are closed-minded and imprisoned in the brainwashing that tradition and culture have been feeding us since our birth, and continues to unconsciously influence and cripple us everyday of our lives.

I am by no means an expert on the subject, nor am I a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. I am simply a sojourner in life, just like the rest of us and I have over twenty-five years of marital experience to go on.

But I believe that deep in our being we all want to be complete, whole individuals, who want to create the promise of having fulfilling, loving relationships with those we hold closest to us. This is important if we are to

Reviews for Confessions of a Recovering Stupid Male

[amandakerr · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Real Book About Real RelationshipsMike Love shares his insights, experiences, and knowledge about the ups and downs of relationships for his readers. The book addresses important issues like men’s anger and violence, midlife transitions, infidelity, love, sex, and intimacy and is a perfect read for couples. Although the information is intended for men, women can gain insight and work with their partner on issues within the relationships.Highly recommended read on relationship and issue that arise in relationships.