My Healing Heart: A Life Journey to Find Love

By Rosalie B. Kahn

My Healing Heart is the simple, true story of Rosalies search for God and love. Her quest began early in life, catalyzed by a painful childhood marked by sexual and emotional abuse.

As this story unfolds, you are given a window into Rosalies trials, tribulations, and joys during her lifelong search for love and truth. Its her story, but its also your story.

If you suffered from abuse or some other form of betrayal, no one taught you how to make sense of what happened. No one showed you how to heal. No one gave you a map of how to communicate your feelings without harming yourself or others in the process.

My Healing Heart will help you to understandthrough Rosalies challenges, heartaches, and personal healingsthat you have a multitude of resources for overcoming your own obstacles. You will learn through her experiences and through her wisdom gained from applying the philosophies and teachings of respected spiritual masters like Edgar Cayce, the sleeping prophet. You will also share her journey across several continents during her twenty-six-year career in the US Foreign Service.

After reading My Healing Heart, you will have no doubt that your heart can also be healed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 30, 2011
• ISBN: 9781462031030

Rosalie B. Kahn

Rosalie B. Kahn was born in New York City and joined the US Foreign Service in 1977. During her twenty-six-year career, she worked and traveled extensively worldwide. In 1991, she married Guillermo Lopez, a Chilean. They live in Algarrobo, Chile. Rosalie writes, does healing work, and teaches spiritual growth concepts. Visit her at www.MyHealingHeartBook.com.

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Copyright © 2010, 2011 by by Rosalie B. Kahn

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Edgar Cayce Readings

Copyright 1971, 1973-2008 by the Edgar Cayce Foundation

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ISBN: 978-1-4620-3102-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-3104-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-3103-0 (ebk)

iUniverse rev. date: 09/26/2011

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For Adria, who lovingly paved the way for beginning

the healing of my heart

And for Guillermo, whose unconditional love surrounded my heart

with healing energy so that I could trust and love again

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Dedication 

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This book is dedicated first and foremost to all women, and men too, who for one reason or another have not been able to express joy and love in their lives. This is for you, for us. Go deep within your hearts, your souls, now, today, and listen to the words you hear.

Don’t let anything or anyone keep you from being all that you can be. You and I are wonderful and unique individuals, and we have the right to express that very special uniqueness on this earth plane. You have the right to fill your life with joy and love.

This book is also dedicated to young people who have been victims of sexual abuse. If you feel at any time that an adult is doing something improper with you or toward you, but you are not sure, get help immediately from someone you trust. Don’t wait, and don’t think that you are to blame. If you are an adult and have been a victim of abuse, get help. You deserve to fill your life with happiness.

To my beloved husband, Guillermo Lopez, you know how much I love you and how much your support means to me. You are always my prince.

Last, but definitely not least, this book is dedicated to my adopted sister, Adria. I have known Adria for forty-eight years. It was Adria who really started the process of my healing by listening, worrying, and crying with me during long and lonely discussions. It was Adria who pushed and pulled with love until I started to open up to allow the healing process to begin. It was also Adria who shared with me the greatest joys and deepest sorrows of my life during the last almost fifty years.

Adria, I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me every single day. May each day bring you more joy and good health than you have ever known before, and may we get to share more joys during the next fifty years.

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Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part I

Difficult Early Years

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Part II

Challenges, Lessons, and New Adventures

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Part III

The Foreign Service

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Part IV

At Long Last, Love

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Part V

Photos and Stories of Key Adventures

Around the World

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Epilogue

Appendix

Appendix A: About Edgar Cayce

Appendix B: Case Histories

Appendix C: Cayce’s Search for God Study Group Information

Appendix D: Using Dreams as a Tool

Appendix E: Tips on Learning How to Meditate

Appendix F: Application of Cayce’s Castor Oil Packs

Appendix H: Forgiveness

Recommended Reading List

About the Author

Endnotes

Acknowledgments 

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My Healing Heart, although not easy to write, is a work of love. It took me years to complete, but it wasn’t a one-person job. There are so many people who helped me with this undertaking, not necessarily with pen in hand, but with encouragement and love.

First and foremost, I wish to thank Mr. Edgar Cayce for his wonderful world of readings. My deepest respect and appreciation to Cassie, Claire, Joan, and Alice for assisting me with permission to use Mr. Cayce’s wisdom throughout the book.

My dear Becky! You laboriously and lovingly helped throughout the process. It was truly a blessing that you ended up in a little coastal town in Chile that fateful Dieciocho. Thank God you did. Your editing skills and keen perception kept me on the straight and narrow. I don’t know what I would have done without you, or Sharyn, Carmen, Wenceslau, Pat, Marcia, Joanne, Luisa, or Nancy. You all helped me with your sharp eyes for detail and brutal honesty, as well as your artistic talent and ideas. I love you all.

Special thanks to Malena for her dedication and love in translating My Healing Heart into Spanish. What an undertaking that was! You have all of my appreciation, love, and respect, Malena. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To Bonnie, you are my special angel. I love you dearly. Thank you for your extraordinary patience with my project, and your intuitive ideas.

And then there is Adria, always Adria. Thank you for your help with this endeavor, for listening tirelessly day in and day out.

To Amos Alexander, what patience and love you have. You are indeed a blessing in our lives. Thank you so very much for all of your hard work in editing and formatting the book, and for your insightful suggestions.

To David Andor, you saved me with your extraordinary artistic talent and expertise. Thank you so very much. You interpreted my dreams exactly as I had hoped they would be for the covers of My Healing Heart.

To Flo Selfman, what a blessing it is for me that you are in my life, setting me on the right course with your insightful editorial recommendations. Thank you for all of your hard work and your encouragement, which I deeply appreciate.

To my dear brother, Lewis, I’m so glad that you are in my life. I love you.

To my husband, Guillermo, my prince, thank you for your loving support and encouragement.

To Ambassador Hinton, Ambassador Godard, Alice, and Judith, thank you for your kind words. You are all very special to me, and will always have a special place deep within my heart.

To my dear friend Selacia, my thanks and appreciation. No words can express what your love and guidance have meant to me in my life. Thank you for being you.

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Introduction 

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My Healing Heart is the simple, true story of my search for God and love. My quest began early in life, catalyzed by a painful childhood marked by sexual and emotional abuse.

In these pages I share my trials, tribulations, and joys of a lifelong search for love and truth. It is my story, but it is also your story. Even if you did not come from a dysfunctional family, you grew up in a chaotic and out-of-balance world. Most likely, you were not taught how to love unconditionally, or how to express that love toward yourself and others. You did not learn how to set appropriate boundaries. You learned to doubt yourself and to give your power to other people.

If, like me, you did suffer from abuse or some other form of betrayal, no one taught you how to make sense of what happened. No one showed you how to heal. No one gave you a map of how to communicate your feelings without harming yourself or others in the process.

Telling my story was not easy, in part because it is hard to talk about negativity like abuse when you grew up conditioned to keep such things secret. Though my life story is much more than abuse, of course, you cannot understand the longing I developed for love and wholeness without knowing about the events that served as my initial catalyst.

As you read my story, you will understand how my search for truth led me on a journey across several continents. In tandem with my travels, my inner journey led to rich studies of ancient mystics and wisdom-holders. I studied the philosophies and teachings of respected spiritual masters such as Edgar Cayce. Often known as the sleeping prophet because of intuitive readings he offered when in deep trance, Cayce introduced me to a spiritual path of discovery. Through years of studying and applying his teachings, I was able to heal my heart.

During the process of this healing, my life unfolded in ordinary and sometimes not-so-ordinary ways. My professional life involved a twenty-six-year career with the US Foreign Service. This satisfying work enabled me to travel all over the world, and to observe the people of diverse cultures. I discovered how similar people really are around the globe. In these pages, you will experience some of what I learned as I worked in such places as Turkey, Colombia, Austria, and Pakistan.

During my foreign assignments, I fell in and out of love, and, as part of those relationships, continued to grow beyond the confines of my early life. As an example, on assignment in Pakistan, I adopted a baby just three hours old. I was totally unprepared for the difficulties I found, being an American and adopting a child in a Muslim country.

Obstacles like these added to my early-life traumas, becoming the fuel to seek answers that can only be found outside mundane teachings. I reached out to wisdom from others who had bridged the ordinary with the spiritual. Cayce became a key role model. Seeing the benefits of Cayce’s wisdom in both my own life and others’, I eventually formed study groups based on Cayce’s teachings.

Becoming a role model and teacher myself did not stop me from learning and being challenged. I discovered that a natural part of being human is that life continues to bring opportunities to grow. My story illustrates a few of the more difficult hurdles in my adult life.

One of these—the biggest of my life—occurred after I retired from the US Foreign Service and moved to Chile. I had expected to be able to enjoy a simple retirement at the seaside, and to do all of my favorite things with the gift of free time. What happened next turned my life upside down, forcing me to develop additional strength and inner resources.

In these next pages, you will learn about how I dealt with this crisis, while also hearing my lifelong story of growth. You will find here a resource for overcoming your own obstacles. You will have no doubt that your heart can also be healed.

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Part I

Difficult Early Years 

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Chapter 1 

Dreams, Betrayal, and Abuse

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When I was a little girl, a long, long time ago, I was addicted to fairy tales. My favorite was always the one where Prince Charming swept the beautiful young maiden off her feet and they both rode away to happiness on a white horse. Things have changed now that I am an adult, but what was important to me then was the dream itself. I don’t know if I really believed that Prince Charming was waiting for me. Perhaps a part of me wanted to believe that a handsome man could rescue me from a childhood filled with inconsistencies and pain.

I would often daydream to get release from a home life filled with chaos and secrets. I was extroverted, reflective, overly sensitive, and funny. I believed in my dreams and in a fantasy world that helped me to make sense of things no one could explain to me. I thought that what I experienced was just the natural flow of life. It seemed that when you’re little you get bigger, you go to school, you learn to be a good girl, you grow up, and you get married (hopefully, to your prince!). It all looked so simple back then.

But no one mentioned all the tears that would be shed or the frustration that would be part of the search, as I climbed each stepping stone and overturned each stumbling block to get to my prince. No one told me that little girls will oftentimes encounter events that can change their lives forever.

From a very early age, I began to have experiences that no little girl can understand. These things didn’t fit with my Prince Charming story. Some of what happened is very typical in families—my parents argued a lot and it was difficult for me to reconcile how people could be mean to each other.

What happened when I was about ten years old, however, radically changed my view of life and love. Someone whom I loved and trusted started to touch me inappropriately. I didn’t know about sex at that age, and I certainly didn’t understand sexual abuse. All I knew was that this person whom I cared about and looked up to was doing things that I didn’t feel good about.

Even talking about this now is difficult, but I feel that it’s important to share the part of my life story that eventually became the catalyst for healing my heart and finding love. Each of us has such a catalyst in our lives, something that can help us grow spiritually and discover how to love. This was mine.

My life story, as it unfolds on these pages, is not about my early abuse. I only share a summary of it here to help explain my early catalyst for growth. I know now that it is not abuse that defines a person. I know that the important thing is the healing that can get set in motion when a person uses the situation as a vehicle for growth. I know, also, that true healing does not involve blame or the need to name names. There is no need here for those details.

The images of what happened to me never go away completely. The idea of an adult man whom I loved—naked and approaching me with a sexual agenda—is something that even today is difficult to reconcile. Remembering it, even now—of being ten years old and feeling defenseless and scared—is harrowing. There was no consent on my part.

Like many other young children, I was molested for years by someone whom I trusted, with incidents taking place sporadically over time. I was torn between love and fear, and I was tormented because I was betrayed by someone I loved. I also lost my sense of safety and security, not knowing when the next encounter would be or how I would respond. I felt trapped and helpless, and very much alone. I lived with constant fear, day in and day out, because of the ongoing contact with my abuser. This fear overwhelmed me, coloring my views about people and life, and crippled my ability to effectively respond to everyday challenges. Even my schoolwork suffered because I found it difficult to concentrate. My self-esteem plummeted, and self-doubt became a dominating force in my life. I was robbed of my natural sexual innocence at an early age. No one should have to suffer like this.

I also suffered emotional abuse because of yelling, anger, and being constantly criticized. Emotional abuse can hurt and cause long-term damage just as physical abuse does.

There are certainly different degrees of abuse. However, it’s not the degree that determines the amount of damage to a child, but the betrayal of trust and fear created by the events. It’s the damage to the child’s self-esteem. And it’s the emotional and mental trauma that accompanies physical abuse that can cause a person years and years of heartache and pain.

Today, with so many people coming forward and talking about their abuse, at least the topic is now out of the closet. That helps our children. If a child is abused today, there are more resources to help him or her come to terms with what happened and to heal. If a little girl like I was is molested today, and she tells someone, it’s more likely that she will receive help.

That didn’t happen for me. When I finally found the courage to tell my mother that I was being abused, all I remember her saying was for me to tell the man to leave me alone. Unfortunately, that was not the right thing to say to a young girl, especially one who felt powerless to stop an abuser much bigger and older than she. My mother’s answer left me with an adult responsibility, which should not have been placed on me.

This was a life-changing moment for me. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my mother, whom I loved and worshiped, had betrayed me in not taking seriously the issue of my abuse. The pain of that betrayal affected me in ways I was not aware of at that time. I had turned for help to the person I trusted most, and no help was given. What would I do now? From that moment forward, I felt very alone.

In hindsight, I’m sure that it was not my mother’s intention to hurt me. Most likely, she didn’t know what to do with the information I gave her. She probably felt as powerless to act as I did. She could never have known how her response and lack of protection would create a life for me that was different from the one I might have otherwise had. She was not aware of how fear and loneliness became my constant companions from that moment. There was nowhere I could turn for help.

From this point on, I started to put on weight rapidly, and I began to fight a lifelong battle of the bulge. I didn’t learn until later in life that children who are molested often feel that they must protect themselves from further abuse. One way they do this is by overeating or through other types of dysfunctional behavior. Overeating became my protection. I started a cycle of gaining weight and feeling unattractive—all with the subconscious motivation of preventing further abuse. This didn’t stop the cycle of abuse, of course. It simply made me feel unhappy. I used food as my crutch, filling my stomach to replace the lack of love, nurturing, and protection that I so desperately needed.

During these early years, I was an extremely sensitive child who liked to stay in my room and write. There was so much inside of me that I started keeping diaries.

In one entry at the age of twelve, I wrote, How can I find God? and How does one believe and find meaning and happiness in a world so mixed up and sad? I realized that no one could help me with this and that we must each find our own way. The sadness, of course, was deep inside of me. I had no idea at that time that the abuse was the cause of my sadness. Several friends who have had similar childhood experiences have all mentioned the sadness that never seems to go away.

When one faces and deals with abuse, healing takes place and the sadness lessens. Nonetheless, children tend to bury the details of the abuse inside them in order to get on with life. That’s especially true if the abuser is someone they know. Facing the abuse and dealing with it is extremely painful.

Many abuse victims feel that it’s easier to just keep the memories buried. In my case, I kept searching and looking and wondering and hoping, peeling off the layers bit by bit to expose the sadness until I uncovered what had really happened. I felt that there was something beautiful that could fill the emptiness and I was desperate to find it in order to heal my lonely heart. But that process didn’t begin until I was in my mid-thirties, and it went on for years and years.

Healing from the Abuse

Anyone who has been through abuse and who has tried to heal will understand that it is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight. You learn to take baby steps, as I did. You fall down, you get up again, you read, you learn, you cry, and you begin to heal. As you read my life story over these next pages, you will understand how the trials and tribulations of my life were catalysts in helping me to heal. In addition, I learned important life lessons from very wise and wonderful people, and I want to share some of those lessons with you.

Edgar Cayce

One of those wise and wonderful persons was the famous psychic, Edgar Cayce. The study of Cayce’s life work helped me to find many of the answers I had been looking for as a young girl. In the coming pages, you will learn a great deal about Cayce and his wonderful world of readings. You will have resources to help you heal your own heart.

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Chapter 2 

Most Unfortunate Child

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We are all here to transcend our early limitations, whatever they were. We’re here to recognize our own magnificence and divinity no matter what they told us. You have your negative beliefs to overcome and I have my negative beliefs to overcome.

From You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay

When we are children, all of the authority figures around us tell us how to behave, what to think, what to eat, where to go, and how we should act. These lessons stay with us and are very hard to change later in life. If we are very lucky, they—meaning our parents, teachers, and grandparents—teach us about our divinity. They explain to us that we are all part of a loving, beautiful, and magnificent light, and that we matter. But most of us have not had those kinds of authority figures in our lives. So, in order for us to get to the truth—to know that we are loving, divine beings—we need to overcome the negative beliefs that we were taught as children.

My Father

I never really knew my father. Somehow his absence is my most vivid memory. I don’t really know how to describe my relationship with my father.

My father had played the violin in the Latin Quarter, a famous nightclub in New York City, since before my birth. He slept during the days, worked nights, and came home in the wee hours of the morning. I only remember that I wasn’t supposed to make any noise during the day while he slept. My earliest memories of him are of fear. In retrospect, I guess he looked bigger than life to me, and I simply did not know him, nor do I have any sense that he tried to get to know me. But I do recall one thing he told me: to try to learn something new every single day for the rest of my life.

When I was five years old, I appeared on a radio program with my father. I would sing while