Forgive Yes, But How?

By Thulani Joel Skhosana

“Father, I want to forgive; I really do. But, how do I go about it? Where do I start?” These are some of the questions in many broken and hurting Christians who tried hard to forgive, but failed. They love Christ. They know His teachings about love and forgiveness, and they genuinely want to forgive. But, however they try to make the decision to forgive, they just cannot get rid of that inner force of anger and resentment.

So sharply do priests and pastors often exhort people to forgive, and yet they hardly help them with guidance on how to forgive? This is a gap that this books seeks to fill. It seeks to help the reader to become aware of their superiority over anger, to recognise their capacity to forgive, and to learn how to forgive. It presents practical guides and steps to follow in the process of forgiveness. It also highlights various hindrances to forgiveness and how to overcome them. The guidelines it provides, if fully assimilated, will also help the reader towards self-awareness and growth, and in the ability to control any emotion successfully.

Fr Thulani Joel Skhosana is the priest of the Catholic Church, under the diocese of Polokwane, Limpopo province, South Africa. Born in Soweto, raised in Mpumalanga and Limpopo subsequently, he was ordained a priest on 16 December 2006. After more than half a decade of active ministry in Our Lady Mediatrix Parish (Bela-Bela), he went to Rome for further studies, where he obtained a Licentiate in Sacred Scripture, at the Pontifical Biblical Institute (PBI).

He presently works as the academic dean, lecturer and formator at St John Vianney Seminary in Waterkloof (Pretoria), South Africa.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thulani Joel Skhosana
• Release date: Feb 2, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005177423

Thulani Joel Skhosana

Fr Thulani Joel Skhosana is a priest of the Catholic Church, presently serving as the Academic Dean and Sacred Scripture lecturer at St John Vianney Seminary, in Waterkloof (Pretoria), South Africa. He obtained his Licentiate in Sacred Scripture at the Pontifical Biblical Institute in Rome, where he studied for 4 years (2013-2017). He was born in Soweto, where he lived the first few years of his life, but later spent his teenage life in Mokopane, Limpopo province. It was there that he developed great passion for art, and dreamt of pursuing acting and script-writing as a career. While still at school, he wrote two plays, in which he participated as an actor, one for the Church youth and the other for his school. He was also involved in Church youth choir as a baritone singer. But the dream of a career in art seemed to disappear as his passion for Priesthood manifested strongly, only to re-surface again during his Seminary training.At the Seminary, he continued to write scripts in which he participated as an actor, and he started composing music. He composed several pieces of music for two Seminary CDs, and several other pieces for three different choirs. He also composed several other musical melodies that were sang during Holy Mass. He enjoyed research and writing assignments, and excelled greatly in this area.While in Rome, he started a skeletal work on what was to develop into his first two publications: "Forgive yes, but how?" and "Is it wrong to question God in prayer?". These two books were a response to his pastoral experience, and aim at addressing some of the struggles that believers face. They were written to address what he perceived as a pastoral need.Fr Thulani enjoys exercising and jogging, which is a substitute for the Karate sport he grew up doing during his secondary school days. His passion for knowledge and reading continues to occupy him, and his dream for writing more books grows every day.

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Forgive Yes,

But How?

Thulani Joel Skhosana

Copyright © 2020 Thulani Joel Skhosana

Published by Thulani Joel Skhosana Publishing at Smashwords

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Published by Thulani Joel Skhosana using Reach Publishers’ services,

P O Box 1384, Wandsbeck, South Africa, 3631

Cover designed by Reach Publishers

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Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgement

Abbreviations

I.Let Us Journey Towards Forgiveness

To The Beloved Reader

The Aim of This Book

II.The Desperate Cry For Forgiveness

III.Anger:

The Gift of God to Humanity

IV.What to Know and Believe About Anger

V.Step By Step Battle Against Anger

VI.What Forgiveness Is, and What It Is Not

VII.The Subtle Poison of Unforgiveness

VIII.Place of Prayer in the Process of Forgiveness

IX.When You Do Not Feel Like Forgiving

X.When The Sin of Your Enemy Seems Too Grave to Forgive

XI.When Forgiveness Seems Unfair to the Victim

XII.When Forgiving Seems Like a Victory to Your Enemy

XIII.When The Situation Seems Unfavourable For Forgiveness

XIV.When You Are Angry at Yourself

XV.When You Are Angry At God Himself

XVI.Exceptional Cases

XVII.Closing Remarks

Appendix

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my late mother, Mildred Catherine Tshabalala, whom I dearly loved, and whose memory I will forever cherish. For the emotional and psychological suffering she faced in life, I never cease to pray for her precious soul to rest in peace.

To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing

(1 Pt 3: 8-9; NASB)

Acknowledgement

This book would not have taken the shape it did without the contributions of the following people:

Mashadi Mathosa, who offered to edit the original manuscript. I am grateful to her for the meticulous job she did, for the good and helpful suggestions she made, and for her patience in dealing with all the challenges she came across along the way.

Dr Garfield A. Brown, for bringing his long experience as a practising clinical psychologist to help me look at anger from different perspectives, understand it better and strive for a balanced approach to forgiveness. His positive criticism challenged me to modify and improve some of my previous positions and expressions, and to be careful with the use of words and concepts.

Sr Dolores Mokgohloa, who read the manuscript and raised certain critical questions and arguments, which lead me to add certain sections in the book. She also helped me to understand certain realities from the perspective of lay Christians.

Sr Germaine Gertrude Muaka, who benefited from the guidance offered in this book. Her positive feedback on how she was helped towards forgiveness and inner healing was a great source of inspiration to me.

Mrs Evelyn. L. Nagel for reading the manuscript, for her feedback and for using some of its suggestions in her practice as a psychologist.

Unless otherwise stated, all biblical quotations in this book are from the New American Standard Bible (NASB), by Lockman Foundation (1995). All emphases are mine.

Knowing how to forgive was a blessing to me. After 26 years of my struggle to forgive, I finally found peace and freedom of heart because of this book

(Sr Germaine Gertrude Muaka, 28 July 2020)

Abbreviations

Col Letter to the Colossians

Eph Letter to the Ephesians

Gal Letter to the Galatians

Heb Letter to the Hebrews

Is Prophet Isaiah

Jon Prophet Jonah

Jn Gospel of John

Lk Gospel of St Luke

Mk Gospel of St Mark

Mt Gospel of St Matthew

NAB New American Bible

NASB New American Standard Bible

Phil Letter to the Philippians

Rev Book of Revelation

Rom Letter to the Romans

vs. Verse

vv. Verses

I

Let Us Journey Towards Forgiveness

After she betrayed me, I made a decision to cut her off from my life. I wanted nothing to do with her. I felt that my decision would cause her to suffer. After all, does it not feel good when the person who hurt you suffers deeply in return? I was a pillar of support to her, both emotionally and psychologically. I was there for her whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on. At any time of the day, I never ceased answering her calls and listening to her cries, her anguish, her fears, her frustrations, her despair, all with empathy and support, only to be deeply disappointed and hurt by her. My dignity was left at stake, and my trust in people began to shake. I would never have imagined such form of betrayal in my life. It was painful; it was disheartening; it was belittling; it was degrading.

I did not have much to lose by cutting her off from my life. On the contrary, it seemed to me that she had a lot to lose. She begged for forgiveness in tears, having been pushed by her own conscience to reveal what she did. In anger, I wished for her to suffer as I had suffered. I wished her to beg for forgiveness in vain. I wished to pay revenge by isolating her from my life, withdrawing the support I was offering her and enjoying the satisfaction of revenge and seeing her beg in vain for forgiveness.

To those who know that I am a Catholic Priest, to satisfy your curiosity, and to put you at ease, let me immediately clarify that we were not lovers. We were close, but practically I was more of a mentor to her and a pillar of support, than a friend in the strict sense of the word. We had a professional, spiritual, and emotionally close relationship, not a romantic one. I enjoyed her company though, and I trusted her very much. It was this trust in her that was to be a cause of great pain to me. Deep trust comes with deep emotional fragility and vulnerability, as one opens oneself fully to the one they trust. In trusting, one always has certain expectations from the ones they trust. There are things one always imagines cannot be done by those they trust. That is why the betrayal of an intimate friend cuts deeper than that of an ordinary distant friend, and betrayal by a marriage partner shatters one to the point of despair. It creates a feeling of worthlessness and shame as it leaves one bereft of their dignity and questioning their worth.

My decision to leave her fragile and overburdened by guilt did not last long. I soon realised that such a decision stands contrary to my personality, my religion as a Christian, and a man who has surrendered himself body and soul to the Lordship of Jesus. I could not sustain anger and resentment. It affected my spiritual life and made me a person I never was. I had to learn to forgive.

So, I know the pain of struggling to forgive. I know the pain of being betrayed and degraded by the person you trust deeply. I know the pain of being caught up between revenge and letting go of anger and resentment. I know the pain of struggling to pray because of carrying a grudge. I know the pain of avoiding to pray the Our Father because of the part, "…forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who trespass against us…" It is then that I learnt that forgiveness is a choice, a difficult struggle and a painful process. But, it is also there that I learnt that it is absolutely possible to forgive, and to forgive anything. In my pain, I learnt that forgiveness does not just happen; I must make it happen.

At the moment, I am free from anger. I chose to forgive her and, though the memory of what happened has not totally disappeared, I no longer feel any pain about it. Whenever I meet her, it no longer comes automatically to remember our painful past. It has become a fading memory without pain. In fact, I hardly remember it without an effort. What was once a painful reality that left me emotionally shattered, has become a history that I can remember and narrate without an inch of pain. I am healed and am over it. No doubt, forgiveness is a painful process, but a very powerful healing tool.

To The Beloved Reader

Let me now turn to you beloved reader. Are you angry, very angry at somebody who hurt or betrayed you? Has someone done something so terrible to you that you feel naked and humiliated? Were you hurt so deeply that you feel your very soul is shattered, as if you cannot ever be mended again? Is there a person whom, when you see, you feel like changing direction, and your day suddenly becomes gloomy because of how terrible and angry they ‘make’ you feel? Is there a person whom you have decided never to forgive? Were there moments in your life where you honestly wished and tried to forgive but you felt utterly helpless and unable to?

I wish to share with you some thoughts about forgiveness. Helping you to be liberated is my yearning, not as a psychotherapist or expert in anger management – I am none of these – but as a fellow Christian who wishes to put the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ into practise. I do not wish to present a scholarly work from books, but to give simple advice from my own experience as a Priest and a Christian. Looking back, I cherish what happened, not because it was a beautiful experience, but because of the lesson it taught me. I can now talk about anger and forgiveness with greater conviction, because I learnt from experience. Experience is a great teacher of wisdom. The Sepedi proverb captures this very well: Bohlale bo tšwa lebadeng (Literally: Wisdom comes from a scar – our experiences of pain and suffering help us to become wiser).

Today, I know how it feels to be overcome with deep anger and desire to pay revenge. I know the pain of struggling to forgive and feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions against those who hurt you. It is a painful feeling and a demoralising experience. Resentment and unforgiveness imprison one internally. One may appear alive, beautiful and glowing on the outside, but dead inside because of resentment, grudges and unresolved anger.

The Aim of This Book

This book aims to present simple steps to help you deal with anger and, by God’s grace, to experience freedom through forgiveness. It is aimed at helping you to learn how to forgive, and how to love your enemies. Love and forgiveness are the fundamentals of Christianity. No one who is without love can claim to be a true Christian. Our Lord Jesus Christ was unambiguous that we should not only forgive, but equally love our enemies:

You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbour, and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you (Mt 5: 43-44)

This teaching is further expanded and elaborated by St Paul in his letter to the Romans, where he clarifies what loving our enemies means. It is not just about having positive feelings towards them. It goes further than that. It includes being ready to