Men Still Think with Their Clubs: The Hot Diary of a Horny Cave Chick

By Milt Lowe

Men Still Think With Their Clubs is a book on prehistoric dating as seen through the eyes of a cave woman named Ooba.

The book, in diary form, reflects the innermost thoughts and feeling of this savvy, sexy, and single woman.

In a years time Ooba discovers that not only is a good caveman hard to find, but most men are clueless about women and mature slowly, if at all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 1, 2002
• ISBN: 9780759670907

Milt Lowe

For thirty years, Milt Lowe was a copywriter at some of the world’s biggest ad agencies. While putting inventive spins on words like FREE and NEW, he managed to win a ton of useless awards. He now writes humor pieces for newspapers and magazines, and every so often will rattle off a pithy saying that ends up on a bumper sticker. He wrote about the cavemen to point out that guys are still making the same mistakes with women they made a million years ago. Mr. Lowe lives in Manhattan. He owns an apartment and one blue suit.

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© 2002 by Milt Lowe. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse

ISBN 0-7596-7091-9 (sc)

ISBN 978-0-7596-7090-7 (e)

Book Cover Illustration by Roy Schlemme

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

MEN STILL THINK WITH THEIR CLUBS

The hot diary of a horny cave chick

by Milt Lowe

© 2002 by Milt Lowe. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

ISBN 0-7596-7090-0

This book is printed on acid free paper.

Book Cover Illustration by Roy Schlemme

1stBooks – rev. 05/07/02

A portion of the profits will go toward The Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Contents

WARNING:

INTRODUCTION

RAVES FROM THE CRITICS

January 2

January 3

January 4

January 5

January 6

January 7

January 8

January 9

January 10

January 11

January 12

January 13

January 14

January 15

January 16

January 17

January 18

January 19

January 20

January 22

January 23

January 25

January 27

January 28

January 29

January 30

February 3

February 5

February 6

February 7

February 8

February 10

February 11

February 12

February 14

February 16

February 17

February 18

February 20

February 21

February 22

February 23

February 25

February 27

February 28

February 30

March 1

March 3

March 5

March 6

March 7

March 8

March 9

March 10

March 11

March 12

March 14

March 16

March 17

March 18

March 19

March 20

March 21

March 22

March 23

March 25

March 27

March 28

March 30

April 1

April 3

April 5

April 7

April 8

April 9

April 10

April 12

April 14

April 15

April 17

April 19

April 21

April 22

April 23

April 25

April 27

April 28

April 29

April 30

May 1

May 4

May 6

May 7

May 8

May 10

May 12

May 13

May 14

May 15

May 18

May 19

May 21

May 23

May 24

May 26

May 28

May 30

June 2

June 4

June 6

June 10

June 12

June 15

June 16

June 17

June 20

June 22

June 23

June 25

June 27

June 28

June 29

July 1

July 3

July 6

July 7

July 10

July 12

July 16

July 18

July 21

July 23

July 25

July 27

July 30

August 3

August 5

August 7

August 8

August 10

August 12

August 13

August 14

August 17

August 18

August 19

August 22

August 27

September 2

September 6

September 10

September 11

September 13

September 15

September 18

September 26

September 27

September 29

October 1

October 4

October 6

October 9

October 12

October 13

October 18

October 21

October 23

October 25

October 29

November 2

November 5

November 8

November 10

November 11

November 13

November 14

November 16

November 19

November 21

November 24

November 28

November 30

December 3

December 5

December 6

December 8

December 10

December 11

December 13

December 15

December 16

December 19

December 20

December 21

December 23

December 24

December 27

December 30

Update On Ooba’s Boyfriends

Update on Ooba

Stuff You Don’t Know About The Author

WARNING:

This book contains language and situations suitable for mature audiences only.

No one under 17 will be admitted without a parent, guardian, or an adult capable of explaining the dirty parts.

INTRODUCTION

This book on relationships is seen through the eyes of a sexually-active cave woman named Ooba.

The diary revealed little of her physical attributes. But there was mention of a large wooly mammoth tattooed on her upper left buttock.

She also had a shock of red hair. Probably dyed from the juice of fat, ripe raspberries. Although we cannot in good conscience rule out fat, ripe strawberries.

Ooba believed that most men were clueless, and suspected that they matured slowly if at all.

The diary, which covers a period of one year, was excavated recently in what was once a lush and fertile valley, but is now a vacant lot in Altoona.

RAVES FROM THE CRITICS

Funniest thing in a million years.

—Reek, The Daily Cave

Ooba's love life is a savage delight.

—Muk, Mammoth Journal

You'll laugh like a hyena.

—Yap, Prehistoric Press

The humor hits you like a club!

—Wag, Dull Spear Publications

Combines penetrating wit and simian humor.

—Rem, Neanderthal Weekly

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I want to thank Lanie for her inspiration and feminine insights. I would also like to thank Ooba for being such a lusty wench, and for writing in English so we could all share her raunchy adventures.

I also owe a debt of gratitude to Ooba's friends, misfits, and lovers who have made this project possible as well as marketable.

Naturally, all the names have been changed to avoid costly lawsuits from any of Ooba's descendants who might see this as a good way to make a fast buck.

THE DIARY

January 2

I've decided to break up with Jan. Actually he's found somebody else and never wants to see me again. Which is no big loss since he's such a pompous windbag.

Last week he invented something he calls a calendar. So far he's got names for 12 months. Each month has 30 days, which he numbers and divides into cute little squares.

Jan calls the first month January, so you can see what an egomaniac he is.

Frankly, his calendar idea isn't bad. It helps organize my day. And keeps me from missing important appointments.

Not that I'd ever admit this to Jan. If his head got any bigger, it would scare away the buffalo.

January 3

Men need to brag about their skills.

They'll say stuff like I crushed a coyote's skull with my bare hands. I could knock you out with one punch. I once leaped over 8 logs. I get a boner every hour. And I can pee a really long distance.

It would be refreshing on occasion to hear a man reveal himself by his failures and shortcomings. Maybe he'd sound something like this.

I never learned to spit. I stink at sports. My tummy hurts when I lift heavy things. I throw like a girl. My farts aren't loud. I tire easily while hunting. And for a big man, I have a small penis.

Maybe when bears learn to fly, men will learn to open up and tell the truth. It would be so great if they could show us their vulnerability. More likely, men will take credit for the bear's achievement.

Hey babe, do you see that bear flying through the air? I taught him!

January 4

They call sex the act of making love. Oh, it's an act alright. And men are some of the best actors around. Here's a few samples of what they say and what they really mean.

Sweetheart, you look absolutely gorgeous tonight. (I've got my hands on your jugs and I'm about to do the dirty.)

You are the best, baby and I'm not just saying that. (Actually I am just saying that because I want some nooky real bad.)

I love you and I always will. (Or at least until I stuff my pickle into your love cave.)

You've spoiled me for any other woman. (Thanks, honey … that was one hot diddle.)

In other words, a man with a boner lying on top of you naked is not the most reliable of sources.

January 5

No matter how ugly a guy is, he thinks he's hot and that babes dig him.

Take my boyfriend, Mutt. Big stomach. No hair. Broken nose. Bad breath. But he's convinced he's one macho stud bunny.

As for women, we're constantly picking on ourselves for no good reason.

My mouth is too big. My nose is too long. My hair is too thin. My hips are too wide. My legs are too fat. My tits are too small.

How come we women think so badly of ourselves and men think they're these goddam gifts from heaven??

The only self-criticism Mutt ever had was that his dick was too long. And he felt real bad about putting his girlfriends through all that pain and suffering.

January 6

I asked Fook why he was so pushy about having sex on our first date. And he said, It's not me that wants some, it's him, pointing to his aroused penis.

So you have nothing to say in the matter?

And Fook said, I have no vote. I'd like to help, but it's really out of my hands.

You want me to believe that you couldn't talk some sense into that thick head of his.

Afraid not. Stiff and thrust is all he knows.

Fook seemed like a nice enough guy. But it was becoming clearer by the minute that Little