SPLIT 1

By Renata W. Müller

"I once read the sentence: Destiny takes care of who enters your life, but you can decide who stays…That’s stupid! I definitely feel like destiny has been playing an evil game with me since my childhood. When the Hailey-twins burst into my life, they turned it completely upside down. They lifted me up to heaven, only to then throw me into the deepest chasm. While River is an adorable, sexy anthropologist, and a born-charmer, Jamie is a computer-genius with Asperger-syndrome, eccentric, and difficulty blending into society. There are no two men more different than they are, but they’re still my fate. They are the source of euphoria and despondency, of happiness and sadness in me.

I’m Hannah Logan. The girl who has loved twice in her life and who stands in front of an unsolvable dilemma.

Split is a modern, passionate, erotic romance novel, the third book from Renata W. Müller

• Language: English
• Publisher: Werthmüller Renáta
• Release date: Jun 30, 2018

Book preview

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Chapter 2

HANNAH

I was shocked this morning when I looked at the calendar and realized my period was three days late. Oh, no! No and no!

River is out of town for a few days for some archaeological research. Rachel went into the bank early and I opened the shop late because I had to pop into the pharmacy for a pregnancy test. Now I'm sitting in my office amongst my sketches, the unopened package in my hand, staring into space, numb. I should drag my ass into the toilet and pee on this fucking test, but I just can’t. This can’t happen to me! Not now and not this way. I know that it would only be my own – our – stupidity if it’s positive.

My birthday was last week. River arranged a big party in his parents' garden and invited a lot of people. Old college buddies, neighbours, friends and family members. The garden was decorated with lanterns and there was plenty of food and drinks. We were also celebrating the boutique’s success, our sales have increased by 50% since the magazine article came out. We have hardly finished with the winter collection and many people are already interested in the spring collection. It really was an occasion to celebrate.

Jamie even showed up, around ten. I knew River invited him. He always does, even if it’s bound to end in disaster. He brought friends, some of whom looked like drug dealers, the rest like emo punks. Dyed hair, black eyeliner. Recently, Jamie has been wearing all black. He says bright colours annoy him. He was wearing a hooded sweater, and what little of his face still visible was covered by long jet-black dyed hair hanging down his forehead. Ian turned white as a sheet when he saw him. Then he became flushed with anger when he saw his son and his friends in front of the house leaning on a crazy expensive BMW G-Power Typhoon SUV and smoking. He was convinced Jamie had stolen the car. River took it in stride; he was just glad his brother came.

Jamie, as usual, didn’t look at anybody – except me – but I’ve gotten used to it by now. But he still hugged River and his mother. He wanted to hug me too, but I fended him off. I can’t explain it, but there’s something about him that sends chills down my spine. Jamie Hailey is a handsome man, that's undeniable, but somehow different to River. Their height and body structure is the same, however River's hair is lighter and his eyes are blue like their mother’s. My fiancé has some rascally aloofness. He’s sexy and roguishly handsome. It is very easy to fall in love with him, and I'm not stupid, I know exactly how many women like him. Jamie's natural hair and his eyes are dark brown. He has some darkness to his features, some mysteriousness that scares me. And, of course, this current emo style just enhances it. He almost never smiles, and you can never be sure where you stand with him.

Of course it’s possible I'm just trying convince myself about him. He never looks anyone in the eye, and yet he can stare at me as if he’s trying to hypnotize me. No one understands why I have such an effect on him, but it started in our childhood. After he was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 16, many of the oddities, including avoiding eye contact, became understandable. I have no idea how he can still look me in the eye! I would happily give up that privilege.

Soon, whiskey bottles appeared from inside the Typhoon, and even though I’m not very familiar with brands of alcohol, I realized they were probably horribly expensive. Everyone drank, even River and Jamie, but the weird thing was that while River got tipsy from the second glass, Jamie, it seems, is immune to the effects of alcohol. I saw they were enjoying each other’s company, I didn’t want to interrupt them, so I let them talk while I had fun and danced with the others. I had a few glasses of wine -- and maybe even one or two tequilas, for the sake of celebration, and then in a relaxed party mood walked to the end of the garden, when I saw River’s back towards me talking to Rachel.

Stupid me, I nuzzle up behind him, gliding my hand provocatively under his pullover. Warm skin and toned abs under my fingers. Mm… for now this is ok. A familiar, exciting feeling. Perhaps most of my inhibitions had been dissolved in the alcohol because my fingers glide seductively down on his abs. Rachel isn’t easy to shock, but even with the unexpected look on her face it didn’t register to me at first. But then Jamie slowly turned his face to the side and glared at me with his dusky, dark eyes. The exclamation Holy Fuck! unintentionally blurted from my mouth, my brain blocked, but my hand was still under his pullover.

This has never happened to me in my whole damn life. I have never confused them. My craziness must have been caused by the dusk in the garden and a generous measure of red wine-tequila mix. Jamie stared right into my face and if I didn’t know that he rarely shows his emotions on his face, I would say that he was shocked. My cheeks turned fiery red from the shame. I tried to quickly pull my hand away from this forbidden place. I felt faint and weak in the knees, and Jamie tried to save me from falling. This was the moment when I started to ardently pray a meteorite would strike right there where I stood, and simply make me disappear from the earth. Rachel’s wineglass fell from her hand and she became deadly pale from the shock.

As I got my balance again, I jumped out from Jamie’s arms like someone bitten by a snake. Honey he whispered, or rather just articulated my name as if he is the only one who calls me that. (He almost never calls me by my regular name. Starting from our early childhood, he named me Honey.) Confused, I murmured something resembling an excuse and inelegantly stagger through the garden. When I leaned on the open door of the terrace, to take a breath, I furtively took a glance at the end of the garden, I saw that Jamie was still staring at me.

I took refuge in the house and immediately sought out River, who was drinking in the kitchen with a couple of friends. I wrapped my arms around his neck like a rag, and hung off of him, shaking and helpless. I really should not drink that much. I was terribly abashed, even if no one except the three of us witnessed the scene. I had no idea what got into me, but suddenly I was overwhelmed by adventurousness, and I whispered into River’s ear: I want you, right now. He stared at me and grinned sardonically.

Right here? He asked and looked around at the guests.

Upstairs. I answered, and as fast as my tipsy state allowed, I started to make a break for the stairs.

I looked back to see if he was following me and I wasn’t disappointed. River studied me for a few seconds, leaning on the kitchen cupboard, as if he wasn't sure whether he could take the recommendation seriously, and then, his mouth stretched out into a confident and mischievous grin. He appeared two steps behind me and took me on his shoulder.

From there, everything happened really fast. I don’t even remember the details, just that we ended up at River’s old room. When we arrived at the door, I wasn’t wearing my blouse, and his jeans were at his knees. I’m afraid it wasn’t my decision to not make love in the hallway. He took me into the room and tossed me onto the bed, laughing. If I remember correctly, we didn’t even take our clothes off. Still clothed, he made me his, so full of intensity the idea of proper contraception never entered our minds. After, laying in bed, breathing heavily for a bit, we stared at the ceiling and listened to the noises from the garden.

Is everything ok? He asked after some time, turning towards me with that playful, panty-ripping grin of his.

Of course. It’s just that I confused you with your brother.

What? He wrinkled his forehead.

Nothing, just … hmm, I thought he was you.

When? Now?

Don’t be silly! I groaned and I flung a pillow at him. Outside in the garden, before.

But we aren't even similar!

I know. It’s never happened to me before.

What exactly happened? He asked, propping himself up on his elbow.

I wanted to smooth over the situation, so I said: I hugged Jamie from behind because I thought that it was you there at the back of the garden talking to Rachel.

That’s it?

That’s it, but it was very awkward. Especially in front of Rachel.

He squinted his eyes, tilted his head, and looked at me searchingly. It’s not that you got so turned on because you snuggled up to my brother?

Not at all! Are you crazy? I exclaimed, shocked. My whole face was flushed red, and I sat up in bed.

Relax! I’m just kidding, he laughed freely. He laid back and interlaced his fingers behind his head.

Anyway, you wouldn’t make it easy. He pouted his mouth pensively, but his voice was full of playfulness. Girls adore Jamie.

What? You are kidding, right?

Why would I be? He turned towards me and raised his eyebrows. What, you don’t think that my brother is a pretty handsome guy?

Yes, he is, but … still. I shrugged my shoulders uncomfortably. This whole thing with the Asperger’s … you know what I mean. I blinked at him insecurely. I don’t think it makes relationships easier.

I didn’t say he has a steady girlfriend he answered absent-mindedly, and started to play with my hair. It’s just that despite all his weirdness, women still flock to him. They see him as attractive. As mysterious, you see?

Well, not exactly, I admit, distracted. Because I really didn’t get it.

I turned towards him and pulled myself closer. He smiled at me. I love his smile.

I think your mother is secretly giving money to Jamie, I continued with squinted eyes.

What?

I’m serious. I’ve had this feeling for a long time that Rose secretly gives him money since Ian kicked him out.

Why the hell would you think this?

It’s not as if it’s any of my business or anything. But did you see the watch on his wrist? Plus, the expensive presents he brings to you and your mom? For god’s sake, River, I got a Louis Vuitton from him for my birthday. And that car – it cost an arm and a leg!

That’s silly, Hannah! He said, and shook his head, laughing. Do you seriously think that my mom is secretly bankrolling Jamie? And from this money, he can buy a Rolex and a BMW SUV for himself?

When he said it out loud, it sounded really pretty stupid. It’s clear Rose could not be secretly giving so much money to her son that he could live so luxuriously. Not to mention Rose doesn’t have the means to do something like this. It’s not just about a couple of hundreds. I feel particularly stupid because of my former assumption. It’s clear cut there’s something else behind it. But what?

Do you think …

That he is doing something illegal? He looked at me with a joking grin.

I was shocked. How can you kid about this? He could get in big trouble if they ever catch him.

Holy hell, Hannah! You’re chasing ghosts. He’s not a drug dealer, if that’s what you’re thinking.

How can you be so sure?

The happy grin was still on his face as he kissed me. Then he got out of bed and started to button his trousers. Then he reached for his t-shirt, but I was faster. I took this piece of clothing and looked at him questioningly.

"How can you be so sure?

He shrugged his shoulders and sighed. "Jamie has his genius side. You know that in some things, he’s at a higher-than-average level. Most people don’t think too much of him because of the Asperger’s, but I tell you, he’ll be the most successful of us all.

Because I was still staring at him wide-eyed, he continued a bit more seriously:

He worked a long time for various hackers. Already up to now he made more money with his IT skills than I will make in my whole life. Jamie has plenty of money. He just doesn’t care. He only cares about solving problems. So, if there's someone here bankrolling someone else, it’s Jamie who's sponsoring our mother! You can be damned sure!

But it’s not …?

Illegal? He smiled again and took his shirt from my hands. Maybe. Probably. But this is what he does best!

But he could use his knowledge as a programmer, for example, in a legal company, I suggest naively, and River smirked.

You mean from 8 to 5, in an office full of people? And who would even hire him? He doesn’t have the proper certification. He taught himself everything and at this point he has more genius than all the university-educated eggheads put together. No, Hannah, he shook his head and put on his shirt. Jamie has to go his own way. It could even happen that he will found his own firm.

Are you for real? I looked at him, bewildered.

Of course, why not? He shrugged his shoulders and grinned. He pulled me up out of the bed. But now it’s better if we go downstairs before my mother starts looking for us.

Ok I groan sluggishly, still digesting the new information.

Honestly I had no idea that was going on. In Jamie, somehow, I always saw the child with a – by the technical dictionary’s definition – ‘milder autism’, who always needs some help, and whose condition prevents him from fostering healthy social relationships. Shit, I missed the fact that Jamie had become a grown man in the meantime, who turned his disadvantages into major advantages and is making a fucking lot of money with his talent. I spent the rest of the evening in shock with this new discovery, so it was understandable I totally forgot we had unprotected sex, in the middle of my cycle.

That embarrassing revelation came rushing back to me this morning when I looked at the calendar. And now I’m sitting numb in my chair, slowly becoming aware of how much trouble I am in. I feel like getting out of here now, but I can’t. There are two customers in the shop. The next thing I know, Rachel’s walking in the door, angrily closing her umbrella.

Fucking weather. I'm totally soaked. I swear you've never seen anything like this before, the wind is so strong it’s making the rain fall horizontally, she grumbles, then looks at me and narrows her eyebrows suspiciously. She comes up to me. Is something wrong?

I look at her confused and sigh. Then she notices the package in my hands and her eyes widen.

Holy shit, Hannah? Are you maybe...?

I don’t know, I groan wearily.

How can you not know? She crouches next to me and continues to eye the package.

My period is late, I sigh.

But…you haven’t even opened it.

I know, but I simply can’t make myself take the test. What if it’s…

Is there any chance? She looks at me suspiciously with her head cocked to one side.

At the birthday party. I’m nodding guiltily. Both of us were a bit tipsy, and everything just happened so fast.

When I mention the party, she winces. Obviously, she’s thinking about my big scene with Jamie. She narrows her eyes and asks:

You and…?

You idiot! I am finally able to laugh and shove her shoulder so hard she falls to the floor in a heap. She screams and the customers suddenly look over at us. I look back at them apologetically and pull Rachel up from the floor.

I see. Now go and take this test. There’s a big possibility you’re torturing yourself unnecessarily.

She stands up and pulls me up from the chair. She brings me to the stairs leading upstairs to our flat.

Come on! It’s better to get it over with as soon as possible. I’ll take care of things here. You don’t have to hurry back, just get some rest! You look awful. She shakes her head, pushing me up the stairs.

Thanks, Rach! I look at her with a dry smile.

Anytime. She sticks out her tongue at me and I reluctantly go upstairs and directly to the toilet.

#

The weight that just came off my shoulders feels the size of the Grand Canyon. The test is negative.

The panic slowly fades and the pit in my stomach disappears. I still don’t understand how I could be such an idiot. But now I solemnly swear never ever to do something like this again. I'll get on the pill. I immediately call the gynecologist and book an appointment. While I'm calling, an open bottle of red wine in the kitchen catches my eye. I pour myself a glass. It’s been out for a while now, but it doesn’t matter. Anything to relax me after this.

I consider calling River to tell him the whole thing. I'm not sure it's a good idea. After all, nothing happened. Why should I concern him? Of course, I can imagine he would take it better than I did. The wedding is planned for the end of the summer. Probably he would simply move up the date, and I would stand there in a white dress with a big belly in front of the aisle. Well, that's not how I imagined my wedding, that's for sure! But why am I stressing out over it? I'm not even pregnant.

My eyes rest on the armchair, on my old diary, which I haven’t held in my hands the last few days. I decide to tell River the story in person when he’s back. For now, I sit in the armchair with my glass of wine and open the diary.

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Diary entry, August 1990

Adults are so stupid. Each and every one. I never wanna be an adult. There's a girl in the class who looks like an adult already. I don’t want to have big tits. I hope I will never grow up!!

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Diary entry, August 1990

I got a new psychologist. I think it’s a punishment because I didn’t want to talk about Mr. Morgan in therapy, and I don’t eat properly. All the adults say I'm very thin, and I can’t listen to them anymore. Gran is the only one who doesn’t say it. She just looks at me with her sad eyes and always cooks my favourite foods.

I don’t think I'm too thin. River didn’t say it either. But I'm really good at it. I can even refrain from eating when I'm really hungry. I can hold out. Now my tops from last year fit me again.

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Diary entry, September 1990

They let me draw at the new therapist’s. The psychologist (Mrs. Kent) said it’s not a problem if I don’t want to talk about certain things. But if I do, I can draw what I feel. I think this is very difficult, so I just draw what I remember.

Mrs. Kent was wearing a very nice outfit. I thought I’d draw her in her pretty dress. To make her happy. She had a big collar and two buttons in front. Well, I didn’t like that so much, but it's okay because I do it in my drawing how I like it. I thought she liked it. At the end of the session, she gave me a big sketchbook for me to draw in if I want.

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Diary entry, November 1990

I’ve already filled up the second sketchbook. I like to draw. Especially clothes and people, but once I drew a house too. The big house where the Morgans lived. I drew Mrs. Morgan and a few of the kids. I can’t draw Mr. Morgan. I don’t remember his face. But I don’t want to remember it either. It's strange because I do remember his hand. I could draw his hand with the ring anytime.

I’m not going to the Haileys’s anymore. Nobody talks about it, but I know that Gran is only sending me to them because I might eat more there. She doesn’t understand it has nothing to do with where I am. I can refuse to eat anywhere.

#

Diary entry, December 1990

Today in class Jamie stood in front of my desk and asked very loudly why I’m not eating. He is a silly boy. I answered that it’s not any of his business and that he should leave me alone. He then replied I have to eat because I am very thin, and if I go on like this, I’m going to die.

#

I can’t stop the tears from welling up in my eyes when I read these things. I look at the ham sandwich on the table, and suddenly feel weird and unpleasant. I swallow and shoo away these depressing, long-forgotten ghosts. I force myself to have a big bite of the sandwich. Hmm ... it’s good. It's as delicious as I expected. That's what I need to stay strong. Me and my body. The two of us! I turn back to the diary and flip to a later page:

#

Diary entry, June 1996

I am lucky no one else is in my room right now. The girl who was there when I arrived was discharged yesterday. I don’t know if it was because they said she was cured, or she is too far gone to be saved. Actually, I can call this room my own private room in the clinic. I’m pretty lucky, right? It’s not as horrible as I imagined.

The group therapy is slowly starting to be fun. It’s at least useful for understanding there are bigger losers out there than me. Holy Jesus, if I just think about this girl who regularly and methodically cuts her arm – and she gets off on the image of her blood flowing out in a puddle on the floor. There are very rough things going on here. By comparison, me, who just has problems with eating, well I look like nothing. I don’t even understand why they give a shit about me.

According to my doctor, suicide has many forms. If someone cuts his veins or overdoses on drugs, it is a faster way. What I am doing to myself is also a type of suicide, but much slower. Honestly I never thought about it like this. I never said to myself that I want to commit suicide or anything. I simply have some things I don’t know where to put in my head. And looking back, I was too small and too alone to handle what happened.

I think it started with my parents’ death. The shock and anger prevented me from really grieving. The time I spent at the Morgans’s was the last straw for my peachy 9 year old soul. I gave myself over to not eating, unnoticed. I hated the process of maturing into a woman and became nauseated thinking the sight of my body could sexually arouse a man. (Thanks, Mr. Uber-asshole, dirty pervert Steven Morgan. I hope you rot in hell!) After that experience the one thing I could control was my body weight which was a cathartic release.

Of course, it’s a dead end! Now I’m beginning to see that. River was the first and only male who fostered completely new and different feelings in me. With him, I always enjoyed myself. But up until then, I was stuck in a downward spiral. I thought I was in control, but I lost control over my actions for a long time. Then the challenge was not the not eating, but rather that I could force some calories down my throat. Mission to lose my femininity, completed.

My doctor sent me to the clinic at 85 pounds. And now I’m learning to eat like a baby. And yes, love myself, and forgive my mother and father for dying senselessly. But there's good news: River’s coming to visit me today.

Shit! There’s a lot of trouble at home, and I thought I was the most troubled one in the neighbourhood. River just left, later than the end of visiting hours. We hid in the garden so they wouldn’t find us. I’m pretty sure I’ll be punished, but I don’t give a shit.

So, the news. Jamie got expelled from school. Fucking unbelievable. He broke the code of the school’s computer system and now all the confidential data is public. River said Jamie didn’t even deny it when he was confronted. He just tried instead to explain how easy it was to do – where the weak points in the system are, etc. ... typical. He was suspended immediately.

The other day, at the teachers' meeting, they decided to expel him. Allegedly, there was only one vote against it. The IT teacher was visibly amazed by his talent. It was a huge argument at home. Ian can’t just beat him like before: Jamie is too fast and now he is the same height as his father. Instead he pushed his stuff out the window and forbade him from coming home. Rose supposedly cried like a baby, but of course it didn’t make a difference. Jamie went too far this time.

But, the real bomb was dropped when a teacher’s private school files with nude photos of minors appeared on the internet. The point is, the police took the honourable teacher from the school building in handcuffs. Seriously! Why can’t we just filter out these dirty pedophiles like him with some sort of ‘pedophile test’? I don’t know, maybe they should pee on a dipstick, like a pregnancy test. Red=Pedophile, Green=Non-Pedophile. How can they release those animals into our school? I’m fucking freaking out.

#

Diary entry, July 1996

River was here again today. We talked a lot, we even had lunch together. I know in the normal world, it’s not a big deal, but for a psycho like me, it really is. It was almost easy. Somehow he’s a good influence on me. He distracts me. By the way, there’s more news. Jamie hasn’t been living at home, but on the advice of his old IT teacher, Rose took him to some sort of specialist, and tada! They found out he’s not normal either. Well I could have said that without a degree. Now they’re testing him to see what exactly is up with him.

Today Gran was here and she created some kind of masterpiece with my hair. The truth is, I haven’t even looked in the mirror while I’ve been here. My hair is crazy long now and most of the time I just throw it back in a ponytail so it doesn’t fall in my face.

Today is an excursion day. River’s birthday was yesterday, and he wants us to go to the British Museum. I can’t even stand to look at these white walls any longer so there is no museum in the world I wouldn’t go to just to break free from here. Gran isn’t coming with us, but I’m still glad she came and put my hair together a bit. She always smiles at me and tries to stay positive.

But when she doesn’t realise I can see her, (like today in the mirror when she was doing my hair), her face is very sad. I know she thinks it’s her fault that I ended up in here, because she was not able to take care of me. I know she blames herself, even if there is no reason for it. The issues happened before I moved in with her and she was always wonderful with me. She’s the best grandmother (substitute mother) a child can wish for.

By the way, how the hell can you care for a girl whose parents’ just died and who was sexually abused by an abhorrent animal? There’s no recipe for that. I am convinced she did everything possible in this situation. It’s terrible to see her eating herself alive. Meanwhile, she tries to cover up everything so as to not encumber me. I think I will tell her that it’s not her fault. Yes, I will tell her and tell her everything. Tell her what happened at the Morgans’s so she can see it’s not her fault.

But now we’re going to the British Museum. Watch out, mummies, here I come!

The trip in the city yesterday proved how much I am over this clinic. I enjoyed myself so much, even though River took Jamie to the museum too. It just dawned on me that it’s his birthday too. He acted pretty normally compared to his usual self. It was a bit weird that he was lumbering a few feet behind us, but at least he didn’t make a scene. According to River, since Ian kicked him out, he lives with his buddy. However, River and his mom are helping him. He was unusually quiet, maybe because he’s been going to therapy too for a while. Supposedly they got the diagnosis. River just doesn’t want to talk about it in front of him. When it’ll be just the two of us, he’ll tell me.

Instead, he talked a lot more. We couldn’t shut him up. It was very funny. I just can’t understand how he can get so excited by dead bodies, skulls, and broken vessels. He told me once he would love to try to travel for a long time as an adventurer to all the tiny remote places in the world with just a backpack. To reach places where there was no one else before him. Well, it won’t be easy in the 21st century. He wants to be an anthropologist and an archaeologist. I checked in the dictionary what the hell that is. Anthropologist: a scientist of anthropology. Huh? Let’s keep reading!

Anthropology: the science of body composition, skills, and origin of human beings. Anthropology can be divided into two main fields: physical anthropology, which studies the physical attributes of human beings and their ancestors through time. And cultural anthropology, which examines human culture.

Holy shit! This guy isn’t just good-looking, but he’s very intelligent too. I start to be embarrassed about my plans, which currently focused in just one direction: to finally get out of this damned clinic.

Riv told me today what the big deal is with Jamie. He has Asperger’s syndrome. Hello dictionary. Asperger’s syndrome (common abbreviation: AS). A pervasive neurological developmental dysfunction: a psychiatric disorder belonging to the autism spectrum disorders. Asperger’s syndrome – unlike other autism spectrum disorders – is characterised by normal language development and average or higher than average intelligence. Because of this, it is more difficult to detect. Some experts estimate that 30-50% of cases are undiagnosed. (!) Many asymptomatic individuals are able to detect the ways in which they are different from other people, learn to overcome their disadvantages, and are able to integrate into society even without knowing that they are Asperger sufferers.

Holy crap! I read all 9 pages and it’s hit the nail on the head. Now, thinking back, this explains most of his stupid behaviours. Well, not that he's always staring at me like a calf at a new door, but almost all the others. The doc says Jamie is very lucky(?) because his disorder is rather mild. There are more serious cases. It explains why he is such an unbelievable IT genius, and why he knows more about cars than most adult experts who work in that field. It also cleared up why he doesn’t ever understand jokes, irony, and friendly banter. He understands everything literally. He just can’t get that the whole idea is to have fun.

But what I don’t understand at all is why the hell they didn’t find this out much earlier. They could have saved him from a lot of shit if they had realised earlier that he’s sick and not just a bad kid the way the teachers stigmatized him. River says their mother suspected something all along and she wanted to get him checked out, but Ian vehemently denied that his son could be crazy. He always claimed we don’t need a doctor, this kid is just bad news, and the best cure for this is discipline and the belt. Stubborn jerk! I mean Ian.

Well, here we are now. I’m not the only wacko on the block. Life is fucking complicated.

#

Diary entry, March 1997

Status report

Go home!

#

Diary entry, April 1998

I had a huge conversation with Gran. Ever since I got home, she looks more relieved, but I wanted to tell her what happened in the past. She’s my family. Besides River, I love her more than anyone in the world. I wanted her to be done with the self-blame. It’s true that I hate to talk about it, but for her sake, I told her the stuff that happened with Steven Morgan. Of course, not every detail, but in general. For this shit, that’s more than enough.

I’ve never seen Gran cry like that. She sobbed out of helpless anger and pain. She told me I should know why child welfare services didn’t let me move in with her after my parents’ death. They wanted to carefully examine the circumstances and all the options available for my placement. So they wisely dropped me into the lion’s den. Obviously, they didn’t know either at that point what a rat this Morgan is, but can I be excused for not accepting, in light of what happened, this empty excuse? Gran also suspected something terrible happened to me, she was just afraid to talk about it, especially after they also tortured me with it at therapy.

When she saw I was getting worse and retreating into myself more and more, she went to the child welfare office and asked for an investigation into Morgan. Her request was rejected. They didn’t take her seriously. But afterwards – and now here is the grand finale – she found out they withdrew the right for the Morgans to be foster parents. We were not officially informed about this, but Gran did some private investigating and she found out that many people complained about them because of Steven Morgan’s particular interest in little girls. It took so long to put this bastard out of commission.

Gran didn’t tell me these things until now because she didn’t want to worry me. I’m so glad we cleared the air. I definitely feel better and I hope she can finally get over everything that happened. I told River the whole sordid story. They were freaked out, him and Rose too. According to Rose, it’s likely that Mr. Morgan was himself a victim of similar abuse in his childhood, because people like this, when they don't resolve their trauma, often fall into the same cycle of shame and become abusers themselves.

I’m sorry, but this knowledge doesn’t help me with my problem.

#

Diary entry, June 1998

I feel like I’m living a fairytale. But it’s not a dream, I have this guy’s business card in my hand. Mr. Jack Stewart – Diamond Model Agency. I was just sitting here in the park with River, eating Chinese food from boxes.

He was very down because of Jamie. Allegedly, his brother got himself caught up in a car theft story. Recently, the number of car thefts and break ins rose suspiciously in the neighbourhood. Lately, the police have been making raids almost every night because of tips from citizens reporting illegal car races. It’s a pretty big deal, because all of these things have Jamie’s stamp on them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he really did have something to do with it. I think that’s what River is afraid of too, he told me that the other day when he met his brother (not at home, of course) he had a huge bloody scar on his forehead. He was dragging one leg, and when River asked him what happened, he didn’t answer.

Jamie doesn’t lie. Rather, he’s too open about things, even if they are uncomfortable and people would rather not know. This is him. He can’t stand to lie, so instead he just closes himself off if he doesn’t want to speak about something. River says he fell into bad company. The problem is the normal people at school ostracised him already and don’t want to be around him.

I’m not proud of it, but I am a member of this group. I only tolerate him because River always brings him along. I hate that he isn’t able to respect my personal space. He is always up in my face and tries to be friends with me, but I vehemently refuse him. He has always been different. He doesn’t belong.

The kids who do let him hang with them are not very nice. They have always been the ones who get in trouble too and now River is afraid they are the ones who are doing this stuff that has been happening in the neighborhood and Jamie is mixed up with them. He doesn’t know how to help his brother and the stuff they are doing is more serious.

So we were just chatting about this, when this guy from the model agency approached us, and asked if I had ever worked as a model. Me? I don’t know what he 's been smoking. I told him no. Then he said he’s looking for models for a teenage fashion photo shoot and he could see great potential in me. I asked him how old he thinks I am. I’m almost 17, not really in the typical adolescent age. He answered that I don’t look more than 14. What the …! I was really considering whether I should kick his ass right there, or if I should take it as a compliment. I was pretty puzzled, so River took his business card, and answered for me that I would think about it and let him know. Me? A model?

The whole way home, I just mocked the whole situation and was kidding about the idea. River took me home, but somehow he didn’t get the joke. Then, in front of the door, he got so serious he almost scared me. He said,When did you last look in the mirror, Hannah Logan?

The mirror and I don’t get along well, I continued joking.

Then it would be better to do it as soon as possible, because it might really surprise you.

Let it go!

You are a beautiful girl, Hannah, and it would be easy for you to see if you didn't have this darn huge self-evaluation disorder. You think it’s a coincidence this guy noticed you in the park? Well, it’s not. Holy shit Hannah! You really just haven’t noticed how the guys look at you everywhere we go?

I was just standing in the doorway, helpless, and hardly believing my ears. I’ve never felt beautiful. Actually, I’ve always hated my body. And now this! I simply didn’t know what to do with this.

He leaned close to me and kissed me. Slowly, very gently, and carefully. I just blinked in surprise and almost couldn’t breath. I can’t say that I didn’t like it. His kiss was quite delicious, and if I’m honest, I had hoped for a while it would happen. We have known each other so long, we’re friends, and River is a really handsome guy. Girls are crazy about him, but he never tried anything with anyone. Until now, not even with me, so I never thought he could like the anorexic neighbourhood girl. Maybe I was wrong?

We kissed for awhile, it was amazing, and when it was over, he blinked at me and I could enjoy the River Hailey panty-ripping smile from up close. He said we’ll see each other tomorrow morning, then left. Now I seriously have to process what happened, and I’ll need some time for it.

#

I told Gran the thing with the agency. She wasn’t surprised at all.

Why are you so surprised?

You too? I rolled my eyes. She pulled out her makeup palette, pushed me into the kitchen chair, and started to work on my face.

She put on simple makeup: just a bit of powder, blush, a pale eyeshadow, and black mascara. She shoved me in front of the mirror, and stood by me proudly, as if she just created the masterpiece of the century. I admit I liked the girl in the mirror. She wasn’t as pale and pasty as the girl I know. I smiled at her and she smiled back.

Well, you see? She said proudly, and I wrapped my arms around her neck and showered her with kisses. Of course it doesn’t mean you don’t have to be careful with these little agents. We have to throughly check out what kind of photo shoot this is.

But Gran! I shook my head funnily.

Who could know what their intention is? They lure young girls with pretty promises and in the end it’s about something totally different. It would be best if you don’t go alone.

River will accompany me for sure, if I ask him to.

Wonderful, my darling.

I thought it was the end of the conversation, but then she called back from the hallway:

And Hannah, you deserve it!

That evening, I tried to make friends with the mirror a bit. I was thinking about what I heard today and examined myself closely for awhile in the bathroom. Ok, my mouth is pretty nice. It’s arched and thin, but not too much. So, it’s acceptable. My hair, ugh, nothing special. Brown and straight and it’s almost time for a haircut. My eyes are greenish grey, and obviously too big for my face. They say it just looks like this because of my skinniness, and if I could add a few pounds, I would not have this doll face. Looking more closely, it really looks like my collar bones want to jump out from my body. And my thighs … ok, let’s not go there.

#

Diary entry, July 1999

Status report

Career: I finally figured out what I want to do. I'm going to apply to the Fashion and Style Design College.

River: He’s known for awhile what he wants to do. He was accepted to college. He will be an anthropological archaeologist.

Jamie: We haven’t seen him for 5 weeks now. He just totally disappeared. Rose wanted to report his disappearance to the police, but Riv talked her out of it. It wouldn't be a good idea to involve the cops after the car stealing and illegal racing incidents.

Then yesterday he suddenly appeared in front of our house with a red sports car. I almost shit myself when I opened the door and he was standing there with dark circles under his eyes and a swollen mouth. He smiled. At least, he tried. He just pressed a small box into my hands, in which there was a suspiciously expensive necklace. I was speechless. I was trying to figure out how to tactfully get rid of him when Gran invited him in. She sat him down in the kitchen, made him food, and cleaned his wounds with disinfectant. He still stared at me stupidly, like always. I just shook my head vainly. Gran even showed him my pictures from the fashion mags. He answered: Honey is a beautiful girl, Mrs. Logan. The most beautiful I’ve ever seen. And now she won’t die because she’s eating again. Hmrph! Check that out! But luckily, River arrived.

Later, when we were alone, Gran admitted to me Jamie was always her favourite. She thinks that it’s quite refreshing that he says everything straight without sugar coating it. With him, you always know where you stand. It’s especially entertaining for her. But, in my opinion, sometimes we don’t mind having some smoke screens. You don’t have to shove everything in peoples’ faces all the time. Let’s be honest: the raw truth is often uncomfortable and unpleasant.

I really have no idea why the paragraph about Jamie is the longest. But I have to run now to the photo shoot. It’s a cereal ad. Hannah Logan advertising food. It really is the end of the world.

#

There are so many people coming into the shop.

Since the article in Fashion Trends, another magazine found me and said they would also like to write about our boutique. We were the most successful fashion start up of the year. Ever since then we haven’t been able to make it with just the two of us. I still have to deal with the designs, and she handles all the bureaucratic and financial things. And River was right: Rach got back together with Dylan. Obviously that fact is not helping a lot for our time schedule issues. 24 hours in a day is just not enough. We needed to hire someone to handle sales. The journalist, Aksel Von Staffeldt, recommended his cousin Sven, who happened to be on the hunt for a job after college. He’s a pretty sweet guy, and he really gets the business. I think he has great taste, the customers adore him, and all of this without being homosexual! Life is full of surprises.

After reading the article, my old photographer reached out to me again and asked if we could do something together. It sounds good, I just don’t know if I can squeeze this into my schedule too. The wedding is fast approaching, and I really want to design my own dress. But when?

Anyway, I’m considering doing the photo shoot. It’s a tempting offer. The client is a big fashion catalog. Allegedly, they want an antique looking picture with a sepia filter, somewhere outside. It sounds exciting. Well, we’ll see.

Now I really need to deal with the wedding. My future mother-in-law, Rose, is really a treasure. We are checking out potential venues and restaurants together. River wants us to forget about the restaurants. Rather, the whole thing could be held as a relaxed garden party. One of his old college friends has a small bit of land somewhere in the Brighton area. Supposedly it has a big garden with a dream of a view to the sea. And he is willing to offer his house for our wedding. Well, what can I say? It doesn’t sound bad. But first, I would love to see this dream villa with my own eyes. I am suspicious, because the whole thing sounds too good to be true. I think this Sunday we could make time for a pleasant trip to Brighton.

#

I lost my mind! I am totally impressed, and then I saw River was smiling ear-to-ear as well. This house is a dream. Or more correctly, not the house, but the place and the surroundings. It’s settled.

Wedding venue: ✓

The guy said no problem, just let him know at least one month before and then the house will be ours for two days. The place is a bit east of Brighton on 300ft high snow white limestone cliffs. The terrace has a view of the sea and there’s a sizeable garden, which I think will be more than enough for 40-50 guests. Between the garden and the cliffs is a 100ft long grassy area. Beyond the cliffs, there is a small gap and then the Atlantic Ocean.

The area is quite deserted; there are only a few houses nearby. I was a bit worried about whether the unusual racket from the wedding would disturb the neighbours. The guy said most of the houses there are just used as vacation homes. So it’s not likely the neighbours will be there. And if we tell him beforehand what they can expect, then it won’t be a problem at all. I wanted to spend the night, but River had to come back because on Monday some cultural anthropologist researcher, a super brain professor, is coming. And he will be his close colleague for the next 3 months.

This whole anthropology thing is too much for me, yet I really do respect that he knew already as a teenager what he wanted to do. He was dedicated in following his dreams and made them come true. So it really looks like in a few months I’m getting married to my anthropologist doctor in the picturesque garden of a Brighton beach house, complete with a breathtaking view. How bright my horizons!

#

It sounds pretty good, but what will we do if, let’s say … if it rains on that day? Rachel asks me, blinking from over the top of the leather as she makes the finishing touches on the spring collection in the shop window.

I move a step back to take one more critical look at the overall picture, but the last sentence put a bug in my ear. Shit! What if it really does rain on that day? Because it can happen. This is England, and not the south of Spain. I helplessly shrug my shoulders and glance back towards River, who is just coming back from the storage area with a big box in his hands. Since he finished earlier today (and Sven has the day off), he offered to help arrange the spring collection shelves. His disheveled hair falls on his forehead, and he blinks at me mischievously when he sees the helplessness on my face.

If it rains, then we’ll be married wet, baby.

Idiot! Rachel spits out, and even though she shakes her head indignantly, I can see a small smile in the corners of her mouth.

Why not? It would be funny if we were drenched from head to toe and I could see, under your wedding dress, your …

Hey! Stop it, doc! I scream, laughing. After he dropped the box to the floor, he grabbed me from behind and twirled me around a few times.

When he finally puts me down, my head is spinning so much I have to grab for his hand again.

But then you would not be the only one who could see everything under my wet dress.

We’ll simply push the sassy guests off the cliffs. Is that ok, my lady? He asks mischievously and grabs my waist.

He pulls me close and starts to move slowly to the sweet melody from the radio. We're dancing in the middle of the shop and I’m completely losing my mind in the swaying of our pressed bodies. I lay my head on his shoulder, and I’m not even taken out of my trance when Rachel's mobile rings.

Dylan is calling. She mentioned they have a date tonight, and they’re celebrating something, but I can’t remember what. Rach doesn’t talk too much about her relationship with Dylan. Somehow I feel she’s not as infatuated as at the beginning. Since they got back together again, the flame is burning steady. It seems that way to me at least. I feel sorry for Rachel, but I don’t know what to do for her.

I can’t say I'm a great expert in love affairs. For me, River was the first and still the only boyfriend. He will be my husband soon, so there's a chance he'll be the last man in my life. What's between us is really special. He is my lover, my friend, my confidant, and, in a certain sense, my mentor. He knows every intimate detail about me. Since I met him, he has helped me through so many crises. In a way I can thank him for being who I am today, and that I’m not spending my days at a psychiatrist's. I wish with all my heart that Rachel would find her River Hailey, because it looks like Dylan is not the one she really needs.

I’m done for today, she sighed, putting down her mobile. Stepping behind me, she smacked my ass.

I pulled myself away from River and smiled at her.

Ok, babe. Have a nice evening! Tomorrow Sven will open, and I have a meeting for the photo shoot.

Is it already tomorrow? Holy crap! When will you come in? She asks, putting on her jacket and searching in her bag for her keys.

I have no idea when we’ll be done, but I’ll call you, ok?

Aren’t you gonna be late? River says, tongue in cheek, giving her the hint to leave us alone.

I lifted my knee in warning, as if to kick River (but really it was just play-acting), and River buckles over loudly. Rachel turns, blows me a kiss, raises her middle finger at River, and steps out from the shop into the twilight outside. River, as if he was just waiting for this, starts to intensely kiss my neck and pulls me onto his lap. From the corner of my eye, I notice the passersby peeping through the window into the illuminated shop, wide-eyed, watching our little private show. I know he doesn’t really care, but I don’t like things like this.

We should turn the lights off.

Why? He sighed into my mouth, but he still goes with me to the light switch. That’s enough work for today. You should deal with your poor neglected fiancé a bit.

Oh, poor thing! I laugh, and grab his neck tightly as he heads to the stairs leading up to the flat with me in tow.

I can feel his breath burning my neck, and his breathing is becoming faster and more intense. I have no doubt about what his plans are with me, and I have no objections … when suddenly an uncomfortable thought flashes through my mind. Holy … I totally forgot about it.

River! Hey baby, listen up! I groan, running my fingers through his hair.

Hmm? He grumbles, but somehow I don’t have the feeling he’s totally focused on what I want to say.

I forgot that … so the situation is, I’m on my period.

He's supporting my ass with his hot palm, one button of my blouse in his teeth, then slowly looks at my face with a foggy expression. The button falls out from his sexy open mouth, and he stares at me like he’s trying to find out if I’m messing with him.

You’re joking right now, right? He grumbles incredulously. A small, hopeful smile appears at the corners of his mouth.

Dammit! If only! I’m at least as turned on as he is, and this is not a joking matter! But I thought it was better to tell him now rather than right before the finish-line. I bite my lower lip and, shrugging my shoulder, shake my head no.

Fuck off! Breaks out of him and he pulls himself away from me a bit.

His forehead falls onto my shoulder and he sighs a bit as he places me on the floor. Slowly, his breath calms down, and he give me a small, almost innocent kiss on my forehead. I feel a weird disappointment from it. I know it’s stupid because I ruined the whole thing with my previous announcement. What was I thinking? Maybe that he would continue nonetheless? Maybe I hoped that he wants me so badly he wouldn’t care at all and would just continue. Since when I am such a starved bitch? I need a little more time to put myself together. But he’s ok for now. He flashes his world famous smile at me, and, pulling me close, gently kisses me.

If I can make a request, just tell me a bit earlier next time. He grins, and steps to the fridge for the carton of milk.

Sorry. I smile stupidly too, even if I don’t know why.

Omelette? He asks coolly, after looking through the sparse offering in the fridge.

Mhmm. I nod without too much excitement. But then I see a new mischievous spark light up River’s eyes.

Judging from his purposeful moves as he starts to crack the eggs, I conclude today he’s the chef and I’m just playing the part of the audience. I take the half-finished designs for the wedding dress from the table, and, wrinkling my forehead, start to peruse them. I can feel him looking at my face even if I’m not looking in his direction. I really am stupid! You’re seriously playing the victim now? I chide myself silently, and then suddenly start to laugh loudly at my absurd reaction. I really can’t understand myself. Are my hormones playing tricks on me, or what the hell?

Meanwhile, River is ready with the omelettes and puts the food on the plates. He sits with me with a big smile and takes the designs from my hand. As he gives me a fork, his eyes sparkle with a mischievousness that makes it clear to me he wants to say something. Something important. He swallows a huge bite and turns to me with a bright face.

I have a great idea, sweetie.

I suspected as much. I stare at him, a bit cagily.

It’s about our honeymoon.

But we haven’t even fully planned the wedding, and you're already thinking about the honeymoon?

Come on! We decided the most important things. Anyway, the honeymoon is the most exciting part of the wedding. Don’t you think so? He winks at me so playfully, and I can’t help but laugh. He’s right.

Well, I hope so!

So… do you remember my plan for the ‘creative sabbatical’? He says, drawing air quotes around the last two words.

I nod uncertainly. Not that I don’t remember his plan, that he wants to backpack around the world. He has been talking about this since he was 16. It’s clear to me how important this is to him. I just can’t understand what it has to do with our honeymoon. Or at least, my mind stubbornly refuses to see the correlation.

I was thinking, why not combine the two things?

The two things?

The backpacking trip and our honeymoon. Combining business with pleasure. He grins flirtatiously.

And in this case, our honeymoon is in the pleasure category? Or business? I ask, furrowing my brow.

Obviously the pleasure, baby.

I’m honoured, I state sulkily. He pulls me into his lap and kisses my neck temptingly.

But seriously! You know that I’ve been dreaming of this trip since I was a teenager. There is no one else I’d rather share this adventure with than you. Come with me, Hannah! Let’s disappear together for a year!

For a year? I sigh, dazed, because he continued to sensually nibble my earlobe, which is really not helping me to think straight.

You don’t want to travel with me?

Of course I want to travel with you. But a whole year is too much time. You know that it’s not so simple. There’s the shop.

"Business is going great and Rachel is more than capable of running it without you for a few