A “Real” Man’s Guide to Divorce (First, You Bend Over And . . . )

By Joe Perrone Jr.

Are you a man? Are you facing a divorce? Do you need help? A "Real" Man's Guide to Divorce may NOT be the answer. BUT, it WILL make you LAUGH!! Here's a light-hearted look at a serious subject from one who's been there, done that. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for a friend. Buy it for that special place in your "reading room." Filled with some great advice and lots of humor, A "Real" Man's GuideTo Divorce should be in every man's home (and in the home of any woman, who finds herself facing divorce).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Escarpment Press
• Release date: May 5, 2018
• ISBN: 9781540183255

Joe Perrone Jr.

Joe Perrone Jr is an author whose diverse background includes a stint as a sports writer with a prominent New Jersey newspaper, the Herald News, and several years spent freelancing as an advertising copy writer.  He also has had short stories published in the Mid-Atlantic Fly Fishing Guide. In addition to his writing, he spent ten years as a professional fly fishing guide on the historic Beaverkill River in New York's Catskill Mountains.  Nearby Roscoe, known as “Trout Town USA," serves as the setting for Joe's last four Matt Davis Mysteries: Opening Day, Twice Bitten, Broken Promises, and Deadly Ransom.  Roscoe is a place to which Joe returns as often as possible to fish his favorite waters and visit with long-time friends.  The first book in the series, As the Twig is Bent, is set in Manhattan. Joe has also authored two non-fiction books, Gone Fishin’ with Kids (How to Take Your Kid Fishing And Still Be Friends)and A “Real” Man’s Guide to Divorce (First, You Bend Over And . . .), as well as a coming-of-age novel called Escaping Innocence: A Story Of Awakening. In 2014, Joe formed his own independent publishing/consulting company, Escarpment Press, which provides various publishing services to “indie” authors, including editing, formatting, and cover design.  Each year, Escarpment Press publishes one or two books under its imprint. The most recent release was Manhattan North Narcotics: Chasing the Kilo Fairy, by former NYPD detective Jake McNicholas. In addition to his writing, Joe enjoys hiking, cooking (and eating), listening to music, fly fishing, and fly tying.  He and his wife, Becky, have lived in Hendersonville for nearly 20 years. His websites are: www.joeperronejr.com and www.escarpmentpress.weebly.com. His weekly blog can be found at: www.joetheauthor.wordpress.com.  Readers may reach him via email at: [e-mail].

Book preview

Dedication

My wife, Becky, and I have been married nearly 37 years.  Each of our first marriages ended in divorce.  Between us we have four children: Lauren, David, Jared, and Matthew.  Two of them are Becky’s from her first marriage, and two are mine from my first marriage.  Each child experienced the crucible of divorce (as I refer to it later in the book) as much as either of his or her natural parents.  I have deliberately listed our children in the order of their birth, for to list them any other way would be unfair, for they are all equal in our hearts.  Without any one of them in our lives, we would be poorer for certain.  It is to them that I dedicate this book. 

Disclaimer

While not a work of fiction, the actual events, locations, and persons depicted in this book are fictitious, and without precise factual basis.  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Introduction

WARNING: If you are a woman reading this book, be advised that you are on your own.  This book is intended purely for the enlightenment and amusement of men only.  If you choose to continue, be aware that you may—make that will—find some—make that all—of the material profoundly offensive.  Still reading?  Okay, you’ve been warned. 

Oh, one other thing.  Every bit of counsel offered in this book is predicated upon the fact that you are not only a man, but a man with children.  For those are the men that really need this advice.  The blessing of children (trust me, they are a blessing) is the complication of divorce. 

If you never had children in your marriage, you probably don’t need to read this book—except for laughs.  You’re either divorced already—and reading my words in the comfort of your new bachelor pad—or in the process of getting divorced, and counting the days until you reach nirvana.  In which case, this book may provide the only laughs you will enjoy for quite some time.

1

The Main Event

(What is Divorce?)

Before we can actually talk about divorce in a meaningful way, it’s important that we know just what it is that we’re talking about.  Ask Bill Clinton about is, if you want to know about the importance of a word (especially that one).  Am I wrong, Bill?  Am I wrong?

What exactly is divorce?  Aw shucks, you say, everybody knows what divorce is, don’t they?  Oh, really?  Well, for starters, there is divorce, the noun.  Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary (it’s the only one I have, so it’ll have to suffice) defines divorce, the noun, as follows:

¹di•vorce  n  [ME divorse, fr. MF, fr. L divortium, fr. divertere, divortere to divert, to leave one’s husband] (14c)1 : a legal dissolution of a marriage  2 : SEPARATION, SEVERANCE

Please note the reference to leave one’s husband.  It says right there that it comes from the French.  And, we guys know all about the French, don’t we?  Great lovers, great cooks, but lousy fighters.  Don’t believe me?  Look it up.  So, right off the bat, we know there’s something fishy going on with this divorce thing.  How come there isn’t any reference to a man leaving a woman?  Why is it always the woman leaving the man?  Huh?  Huh?  Because, it just doesn’t happen that way.  Oh, sure, it might seem as though it happens.  But, think about it.  does it really?

Take this example, overheard at a secretary’s luncheon: Hey, did you hear about that rat, Charlie?  He left poor little Joan.  Wow!  Pretty straight forward, don’t you think?  But, it’s not that simple; it never is.  Sure, Charlie’s body exited the domicile, but what about his spirit?  His heart, his soul?  Catch my drift?  Old Charlie’s essence still resides in Charlie’s den, or finished