F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Back Together after Your Life Implodes

By Erica Slotter and Patrick Markey

A Divorcee’s Empirical (and Slightly Irreverent) “What’s Next” Guide to Life after Marriage

Just about everything about divorce sucks. It sucks away your time, your money, and occasionally your will to live. We know. We’ve been there. We’ve both been divorced and are now remarried . . . to each other.

F*ck Divorce is not a book about divorcing (which stinks); it is a book about putting the pieces back together afterward (which doesn’t have to). Using the latest scientific research, a bit of tough love, and a highly questionable sense of humor, psychologists and relationship scientists Erica Slotter, PhD, and Patrick Markey, PhD, will teach you how to navigate your post-divorce relationships with yourself, kids, and even your slug-breath ex-spouse. They’ll hold your hand as you navigate the complicated, exciting, and sometimes terrifying world of dating and sex as a born-again singleton and be by your side as you (hopefully) find your way to new love. Learn:

• Self-Care in the Post-Divorce Haze
• How to Rediscover the Newly Single You
• The Importance of Being Nice(ish) to Your Ex
• How to Help Your Kids Through the Sh*tstorm
• How to Survive the Awkwardness of First Dates . . . Again
• Navigating Your Newfound Sexy Time
• Divorce-Proofing: Keeping Marriage 2.0, or 3.0, Together

So, welcome to the world of being newly unwed. It’s good, bad, and ridiculous, and sometimes your blind date smells like soup. Pull up a chair, pour yourself a drink (or three), and let’s do this sh*t.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Skyhorse
• Release date: Aug 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9781510751613

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Copyright © 2021 Erica Slotter, PhD, and Patrick Markey, PhD

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

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Skyhorse® and Skyhorse Publishing® are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Erin Seaward-Hiatt

Cover photo credit: iStockphoto

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-5160-6

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-5161-3

Printed in the United States of America

To our children: Charlie, Grace & Lucas, you are the loves of our lives.

To our parents: thank you for your unfailing love and faith in us.

And to our ex-spouses: without whom we never would have found each other, or written this book in the first place.

Contents

Prologue

(Or, Why the hell did we want to write this book anyway?)

Chapter 1

Eat, sleep, take your Prozac. Repeat: Self-care in the post-divorce haze

Chapter 2

Discovering the post-divorce you: Older, wrinklier, and more confused

Chapter 3

Can’t we all just get along? The importance of being nice(ish) to your ex

Chapter 4

The offspring: Helping your kids through this shitstorm

Chapter 5

Swipe right … no, left … no, right: How to get back into the dating game

Chapter 6

The audition: Surviving the awkwardness of first dates … again

Chapter 7

Fuck it. No … seriously: Navigating your newfound sexy time

Chapter 8

When you’ve met The Next One: What to do now that you’ve found love again

Chapter 9

Divorce-proofing: Keeping marriage 2.0, or 3.0, or 5.0 together

Epilogue

(Or, We survived this shit, and so can you.)

Endnotes

Index

Prologue

(Or, Why the hell did we want to write this book anyway?)

The Tuesday after Valentine’s Day, I (Erica) opened a letter from my divorce attorney. Contrary to my expectations, it wasn’t yet another bill. It was my divorce decree. I was officially a single woman. I remember feeling two things. One: thank God that’s over. Two: What the fuck do I do now? I went inside, drank a large bourbon, and ate a frozen pizza all by myself. Okay, there were two bourbons … and perhaps two pizzas … but I digress.

I was glad the divorce was over. We had been married for almost exactly seven years when my then-husband came home and told me he no longer wanted to be married. I don’t want to go into the reasons why my marriage ended here—they are too sad, too personal; and it really does take two people to destroy a relationship (plus, I’d like to avoid a libel suit from my ex). But there I was, finally, officially, single.

And here’s the fun-filled nugget of irony: I am a research psychologist who has spent the last decade studying what makes romantic relationships work and what dooms them to fail. How could I have been so blind to what was going on in my own marriage? What really surprised me the most wasn’t the collapse of the marriage, but how strange it felt to restart my life. Now that I was single, I needed to figure out who I was. How would my life be different? How would it be the same? And, most important, how the hell was I going to survive dating again? I promptly signed up for eHarmony.

Around the time I started dating, a colleague of mine, who had gotten divorced a year before, stopped by my office to offer his condolences. Fun-filled nugget of irony, part two: this divorced colleague (Patrick) is also a research psychologist who studies romantic relationships. His divorce story is its own uniquely warped journey—he has two wonderful children, maintains (mostly) friendly contact with his ex, and definitely did his fair share of, ahem, mingling after his divorce. He suggested that we hang out as divorce-buddies … trade dating war stories, bitch about our exes, etc. So, we did. For months we were just friends (I swear!) who got together once a month or so over a meal to commiserate, trade advice, and laugh at how ridiculous our lives had become. Then one night, we drank. A lot. And got naked. Fast-forward to today—we’re madly in love, married, and have added a new tiny human to our crazy family.

Through our divorces, we were shocked to learn how little science-based information there was available for divorced folks. So, our mission became to put our research and life experience to good use and write about life after divorce (and yes, What the Fuck Just Happened? was proposed as an alternate title). F*ck Divorce is not a book about divorcing (which sucks); it is a book about being divorced (which doesn’t have to). In F*ck Divorce, we want to help you through this bizarre journey using science and humor. Let’s face it, a lot of what you’re going through right now is such an absurd shit show that laughing at it is really the only option. How else do you respond when your Tinder date thinks a bondage club offers a cozy ambiance in which to get to know each other?

F*ck Divorce is about how to navigate relationships after divorce—with yourself and with other people. It is a book about how to avoid doing jail time for murdering your twat-waffle ex-spouse. (Okay, really it is a book about not murdering your ex-spouse. We’re not lawyers; we’d be worse than useless at getting you out of jail time.) Most important, F*ck Divorce will teach you how to start over in your new (exciting, we promise!) second chance at life. It is about dating again, getting naked with someone new, finding love, and doing your best to make that love last.

Besides, what could possibly be more abso-fucking-lutely adorable than two people writing a book about love, who had previously lost at love, who study love, and who are now in love? Nothing. Not even puppies.

Welcome to the world of being divorced. It’s good, bad, ridiculous, and sometimes your blind date smells like cabbage. Pull up a chair, pour yourself a drink (or three), and let’s do this shit.

Chapter 1

Eat, sleep, take your Prozac. Repeat: Self-care in the post-divorce haze

Okay, so here’s where we start. You and that asshat you once called your spouse for however many years are officially going to live separate lives. The money and custody arrangements are in the process of getting figured out, and your official I’m single now, bitches! paperwork has been issued. In short, you are in the middle of the divorce tornado that is cutting a path of destruction through the center of your life. You are not in Kansas anymore, sweetheart.

A million questions are racing around in your mind … will your tin-man ex ever grow a heart? Will you date a munchkin? Will your ex’s next romantic partner ride a broom and have a gaggle of flying monkeys at their beck and call? You also may be feeling so rejected, dejected, and generally overwhelmed that you are contemplating whether you should just lay down in a field of poppies and sleep for a while. Let’s face it, divorce royally fucks you up. And as if that weren’t plenty obvious from … well, look at you, the scientific research resoundingly supports your experience.

As early as the 1970s, psychologists began documenting the intricacies of divorce as a stressful experience.¹ This stress comes from two different but equally obnoxious places. First, the big D itself is a major, often traumatic, life event. When people are asked to rank the top ten pain-in-the-ass events in their lives, divorce falls in the number two slot … just behind the death of a spouse (which you might be thinking would be preferable right about now).² Second, life events, like divorce, are not only difficult emotionally but also bring numerous logistical challenges along for the ride. Divorce can precipitate financial upheaval, major shifts in our sense of identity, parenting difficulties … you get the idea. These are serious life changes, and they’re just really stinkin’ hard.³

But divorce stress doesn’t stop there. It’s a one-two sucker punch because these large-scale changes make lots of the little things more difficult. With time, the stressful life event period of divorce passes—usually, when the stuff is divvied up, custody is finalized, and you’re starting to think about putting on real pants again. But, the second way divorce kicks your tokus is through the never-ending minutiae that will become more challenging now that you’re on your own. After you finish worrying about whether you have enough money to afford your house (the major life event part), you will find that your daily finances are tighter now that you’re single (a constant, ongoing pain in the ass). When your kids are done adjusting to the new living situation (the major life event part), you will discover how emotionally taxing single parenting can be, such as when little Suzy uses a drill to curl her hair or Timmy tries to skip rope in Rollerblades (or any other daily pain-in-the-ass-kid-buffoonery).

All this stress is bad news for you. Divorcees are at a higher risk for depression and anxiety than their married and never-married-sex-and-the-city single friends.⁴ The big D will also prematurely age you. Both of your dear authors felt like they were turning into fossils during their divorces—Erica found her first gray hair (guess where?), and Patrick started to lose so much hair that he now uses more toothpaste than shampoo. High levels of stress may even damage a part of your DNA called telomeres.⁵ The short and dirty version: telomeres are protein chains on the end of your chromosomes that help protect them from damage and deterioration.⁶ The shorter your telomeres are, the more prone to cellular damage you become. Think of short telomeres as the precursors to crow’s feet and fiber supplements. If that wasn’t bad enough, a study of over 3,500 adults found that divorcees have shorter telomeres than just about anyone else.⁷ So, if you’re feeling a bit like the crypt-keeper these days, it’s probably because your divorce has nudged you just a little bit closer to the grave.

Speaking of graves, you are now at a higher risk of suffering from various health problems than if you had stayed married or skipped the acid trip to the altar altogether. Divorcees are at increased danger of cardiovascular disease,⁸ catching a cold,⁹, ¹⁰ and insomnia.¹¹ Disturbingly, divorced men and women are about 50 percent more likely to kick the proverbial bucket for any reason compared to married folks.¹² No wonder we have insomnia. But, before you resign yourself to feeling miserable and updating your last will and testament, there is emerging evidence that some individuals are remarkably resistant to the dangers of divorce.¹³, ¹⁴ Phew! Like resilient superheroes, certain people can even use the stress of divorce as practice to become less affected by the evil stressors perpetrated by future supervillains.¹⁵ This knowledge is so incredibly reassuring because it means that just because you got divorced, you are not automatically dooooomed.

The key to surviving and thriving in your post-divorce world is how you handle it. It is not so much the divorce per se that could be killing you; it’s the stress that comes along with divorce that’s doing you in.¹⁶ This is good news. There are things you can do to cope with the stress of divorce to spare yourself oodles of heartache, wrinkles, and an early demise. The goal is to turn you into one of those resilient superhero divorcees who emerges stronger, more self-assured, and sexier than before the end of their failing, flailing marriage. But before you pick up your cape from the dry cleaners, you need to gain five fundamental superpowers to help get you there: basic care, self-efficacy, self-compassion, a redemption story, and social support.i

Basic care: Brush your goddamn teeth.

After your divorce, you may be feeling like you were hit by a truck. Only to have the truck reverse and slam into you a few more times just for good measure. Before we get to the psychological heavy-lifting of dealing with these feelings, we need to start with the basics. Are you wearing clean underwear today? Seriously, basic self-care and hygiene are the cornerstones of getting your shit together. We’re not trying to be condescending here. It is much too easy to go around thinking, Who cares if I wear the same sweatpants four days in a row and eat Cheetos for dinner? No one is going to see me anyhow, and even if someone did, so what? Do not, we repeat, do not fall into this trap of self-pity. Four-day-old Cheetos breath is not a pleasant parfum. Each day, you must: shower (with soap); put on clean clothes (including underwear); brush your teeth (for more than two seconds); comb hair (or at least try); and eat something reasonably healthy (ramen and Kraft Mac & Cheese do not count). We are going to act like your parents on this one (and we have lots of experience here … our teens view hygiene as more optional than we’d prefer). Before noon, you must do all these things—or no Instagram for you.

It’s easy to forget to take care of yourself in a practical sense amid the emotional and logistical mess divorce has dumped in your lap. However, by keeping yourself together (at least so you’re not stinky), you will have more confidence and mental clarity than if you skip showering and pull out a questionable old T-shirt from the bottom of the dirty laundry hamper.¹⁷ Once you’ve gotten basic hygiene down, add physical exercise to your daily routine—nothing is better revenge on your asshat ex than looking fabulouuuuus. Not to mention, exercise releases lots of endorphins and other feel-good neurochemicals that can help you combat the divorcee-doldrums.¹⁸ Getting your sweat on also reduces your risk of maladies like heart disease, which will help you better withstand the impacts of divorce-related stress.¹⁹

Beyond self-care, you have practical responsibilities that you cannot shirk no matter how bummed and overwhelmed you feel. Go to work and pay your bills. Getting evicted or receiving a foreclosure notice helps no one. Get to the grocery store—for aforementioned healthy food. Don’t forget to get your kids on the bus each morning. You get the gist. You need to get back into your daily routine—or establish a new one. Soon you will find that maintaining this new routine will help you make more sense of your life, plan better, improve your sleep, and feel more alert and positive.²⁰

Self-efficacy: Choose vodka and Chaka Khan.

After finding her paramour and boss in flagrante delicto with another woman, Bridget Jones, the cringeworthy dating inspiration for millennial women everywhere, claimed, "I have two choices: to give up and accept the permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by Alsatians (her dog), or not. And this time, I choose not. I will not be beaten by a bad man and an American stick insect. Instead, I choose vodka. And Chaka Khan." We firmly encourage you to take this sage advice.

Okay, maybe limit the vodka to a reasonable amount and replace the eighties dance music with something a bit more tolerable but every bit as empowering.ii The spirit behind this bit of Bridget Jones’s wisdom is one that we resoundingly support. Empower yourself in any way that feels good to you. The science-y term for this empowerment is self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is your belief in your ability to work toward goals that are important to you (a happy, fulfilling, love-filled life full of puppies and kisses) and to cope with challenges (a fucking divorce) that come up along the way.²¹ A strong sense of self-efficacy will enhance your well-being by making you feel optimistic about your future and more resilient in the face of disappointments. Best of all, it makes you more likely to try new things and set lofty goals for yourself because you believe, deep down in your nether-loins, that you are capable of succeeding.²², ²³ This sounds like something you want, right? So, how do you get it?

Become a badass. One way to grab some of that self-efficacious goodness is to become a badass. If you kick-ass at something, you are more likely to feel like you can kick-ass at it again, and at anything else you put your mind to. If you fail miserably at something—and let’s face it, many of us view our divorces (at least initially) as epic fuck-up moments in our lives—you’ll feel less equipped to deal with problems in the future. It turns out that self-efficacy is a self-fulfilling cycle.²⁴ The challenge is to get past this post-divorce moment as a failure,iii and instead capitalize on this phase as an opportunity to whoop some serious booty.

Ask yourself … what makes you feel good, strong, and capable? Your options here are endless, and what makes you feel like the badass version of Bridget Jones is going to be just as unique and individual as you are. Some people like riding horses, are awesome at ping-pong, enjoy cooking, love singing, or feel great after a workout. Patrick tried to feel better by updating his wardrobe after his divorce and trading his dad jeans in for skinny jeans. Granted, in hindsight, the skinny jeans were probably a mistake given his age and body type, but that is the power of self-efficacy. While Patrick was waddling around like a duck in his new leg suffocaters, he felt great about himself. They made him feel sexy and cool again. You need to find your skinny jean equivalent (maybe with a little more ball room), and do the things that you enjoy doing. If you’re not sure what those are, stay tuned. Figuring out who you are now that you’re divorced is the theme of the next chapter.

Weirdly enough, another way of increasing your self-efficacy is to find the things you feel insecure about and tackle them head on.²¹ Really, what could be more badass than that? Erica found it empowering to get a handle on her post-divorce finances. Her ex had always handled everything from bills to taxes; so, meeting with a financial advisor and learning how to budget, plan for retirement, and even do something as simple as use tax software made her feel like a million bucks. The key is to tackle the insecurities brought on by your divorce in a way that gives you a sense of control, rather than experiencing the situation as making you its bitch. It’s all in your mindset. Which brings us to the next way you can increase your self-efficacy.

Roadblock or speed bump? Change how you view the situation. Anytime you’re faced with a roadblock, speed bump, or detour on the highway of life, you can think about that event in one of two ways: as a challenge or as a threat.²⁵ Challenges are issues that you feel you have the resources to cope with—things that you feel like you can rise up to and overcome. In contrast, threats are difficulties that you feel overwhelmed by—things that you simply do not have the resources to deal with. Generally, problems are more likely to be viewed as threats if they negatively reflect on your skills/abilities (cough, your divorce), call your self-worth into question (hack-hack, your divorce), and are public, making you feel like your failures are occurring in a fishbowl for all to see (gasping for air, your divorce).²⁵ That said, people differ in their tendency to feel challenged versus threatened by life’s bullshit. People who view rough patches as challenges tend to be psychologically tough—real He-Men or She-Ras of mental fortitude. The short quiz below can provide some insight into your psychological toughness and how you tend to view the shit sandwiches you have been served at the picnic of life. Just answer the questions as honestly as possible. Don’t worry, no one is looking over your shoulder, and you aren’t getting graded on this quiz.

Before we tell you what your score means, we want to caution you about these types of quizzes. Although we like to think of ourselves as awesomely powerful psychologist-superheroes who can get into your head and solve all your problems, the truth is much less glamorous. Even the best questionnaire typically reflects what you already know or at least suspect. The quiz you just took, which contains items created by the Oregon Research Institute, is not magical.²⁶ So if you disagree with the results of this test—you’re probably right! Just think of these quizzes as a way to encourage you to contemplate a given part of who you are or your life. Don’t ever let a quiz tell you how you should be thinking. This goes double for quizzes you find online (we’re lookin’ at you, Buzzfeed) or in magazines with no scientific backing … like the ones that