Juice Squeezed: Lessons Learned from a Quest to Live Happier

By Nancy Jane Smith

“I confess I am one who always looks at the fresh tasty juice and thinks, “YES! I want some of that - it is SO much better than the canned kind!” However, I fail to look at the cost (to myself and others) of standing in front of the sink squeezing oranges. So it has been a life lesson for me to ask myself, “What is the juice squeezed ratio here? Is it worth it to take the dream job, if that takes me away from my family and leaves my spouse basically a single parent? Am I looking at the whole situation here?”

In both my presentations and my private practice, I am fascinated by the use of stories. The stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other. I believe stories play an invaluable role in life. Our stories define who we are, they help us express ourselves, and they give us a common ground to understand each other. Juice Squeezed is a collection of stories that first appeared on my blog at Live-Happier.com. Stories from my own life and others that illustrate the struggle and joy we have in living a life with passion, purpose, balance, and awareness.

These are the stories I found most meaningful in my quest to Live Happier. My wish is that as you read them they add to your Live Happier Journey as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nancy Jane Smith
• Release date: Mar 13, 2014
• ISBN: 9780991250516

Book preview

Introduction

In both my presentations and my private practice, I am fascinated by the use of stories. The stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other. I believe stories play an invaluable role in life. Our stories define who we are, they help us express ourselves, and they give us a common ground to understand each other. This book is a collection of stories that first appeared on my blog at Live-Happier.com. Stories from my own life and others that illustrate the struggle and joy we have in living a life with passion, purpose, balance, and awareness.

These are the stories I found most meaningful in my quest to Live Happier. My wish is that as you read them they add to your Live Happier Journey as well.

An Open Letter to Self Development Junkies

Hello My Dear:

My love, I know you. I can so relate to you. The hunger for more books, more articles, more resources that will tell you how to be better, kinder, gentler, happier. I know the joy from thinking, this resource, this tip, this idea will be the answer. I know the exhaustion that comes from always wanting to be better, to figure it out, to really KNOW yourself.

I know you believe that if only you:

had more gratitude

did more meditation

ate healthier

worked out more

journaled more

self-reflected more

read more

had more awareness

just read the right book

took the right class 

you would achieve enlightenment...you would be ok.

Well here’s the truth.

All that more won’t help. Yes, gratitude is wonderful. So is meditation, and all the things listed above to help us Live Happier. Self-development exercises are there to help us feel better–not pile on more should or if-only’s. Self-development exercises are there to relax us, return us to our selves and our lives, and enable us to make empowered decisions. They are not there to make us turn on ourselves, feeling less than, belittled, or shamed. They are not there to make us feel like failures or losers.

When self-development exercises become a way that we beat ourselves up or belittle ourselves, we are in trouble. Frequently what happens is we have turned our I’ll be happy when into the quest for the perfect self. The perfect self-quest is no better than questing for the perfect job, perfect mate, or perfect house. Perfect doesn’t exist. In fact, you are wonderful just the way you are: imperfect, flawed, questing, trying and being you.

Today, I ask you to stop questing. Stop focusing on all the things you should be doing to be a better person. Today I ask you to Just Be You. By being true to yourself, listening to your inner wisdom, you will be Living Happier.

Just be you.

As a friend of mine said, Today I am going to just hold the space for me.

Love,

Nancy Jane Smith, 

A Recovering Self Development Junkie

Chapter One

What Living Happier Really Means

Defining Living Happier

One of the reasons I love the phrase, Live Happier is because it is something you can do every day. It is not a destination as in, one day I will Live Happier.

Nope, Living Happier is something you can do in the midst of life’s trials and tribulations or when life is cruising along with ease.

Living Happier isn’t something you achieve; it is something you are engaging in all the time.

Does that mean you have to be always striving? No, but it does mean you have to be engaged and intentional about your life.

It is something you are doing every day of your life to make your life richer, fuller, and brighter

Living Happier is:

Being intentional about your life. Knowing what activities give you energy and what activities drain your energy. At the end of the day, having more activities that give you energy.

Having awareness about yourself, what are your strengths, what are your values, what do you want your life to look like?

Knowing life is full of ups and downs. Tragedies happen, losses occur and it is even more important to be engaging in #1 and #2 above during these times.

Living Happier requires full engagement. Having the tough conversation with your partner. Confronting the co-worker who keeps stealing your ideas. Asking for the raise you deserve after 3 years of nothing. So many of us are walking around like zombies in our lives and then wondering why we aren’t Living Happier. 

The recognition that some days we will be firing on all cylinders and some days we won’t and loving ourselves the same, regardless of the kind of day we are having.

Asking for help when we need it. Recognizing that we can’t do it alone. We need to reach out from time to time for assistance; clear tasks off our plate or just ask for much needed support. Approaching the world from an attitude of openness, kindness, and love for ourselves and for those around us. 

A process. A wonderfully, imperfect messy,

My Life Looks Great On The Outside. Why Does It Feel So Crappy?

About ten years ago , I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now husband (then really close friend), having one of our late night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, I look like I have it all, why do I feel so crappy?

At the time, I was working a great job making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, had recently bought a new car, and had even lost those pesky 30 lbs that haunted me. I was doing good from the outside, anyway. However, inside, I was exhausted and anxious all the time. I spent my time always looking for the next thing. Thinking if I went to the cool event, hung out with the fun people, had the right job then, I would be happy.

I was running from event to event and I just felt crappy. I may have looked like a 30 year old who had her &*% together, but in reality, I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.

I felt like I had video cameras in my house and someday, everyone would discover I wasn’t a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together. In reality, I was a quiet, introverted person, who was filled with anxiety and wasn’t doing anything right. I had bought into the idea that if I do what everyone tells me to do, and check off all the right tasks... THEN, I would be happy.

Eventually after a couple of panic attacks, and a few too many crying jags, I decided to seek help. Fortunately, I found an amazing therapist who helped me figure out what I wanted for my life and how to stop living for everyone else. I realized that no matter how many items I checked off the list, I would always be searching for the next item. I needed to stop running and start looking at my face in the mirror, my lovely, anxiety-ridden face, and learn how to love and appreciate it. I learned to implement daily practices to diminish my anxiety and jump off the to-do list train.

We are told from a young age to check off the boxes:

Go to college

Get a job

Move up in said job and make good money

Get married

Buy a nice house

Buy a snazzy car

Have a child

Be a good parent

Have another child

Buy a bigger house

Have many friends

No one tells us:

The check marks never end, we can be checking things off the should list for the rest of our lives

All those check marks, while great, meaningful, and worthwhile, aren’t always enough.

Here’s the truth:

It is ok that you have checked everything off the list and that you still feel crappy. It is ok that you are tired of living by the list. Because once you admit that you feel crappy, change can occur. Once you admit, wait a minute, I did everything ‘they’ told me to do, and I am still searching you can start searching internally. You can take all that great stuff you have accomplished and add to it. You don’t have to live your life as a chameleon. You can stop the feeling of being found out and start embracing who you really are.

Life does not have to feel crappy. Anxiety does not have to rule your life. Life can look beautiful inside and out.

The Myth of Living Happier

If I had a dollar for the number of times I have a client, a friend or yes, even myself say, "I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be Living Happier," I could be a rich woman.

I call this the Myth of Living Happier.

The Myth of Living Happier

If am Living Happier, I won’t feel any pain, doubt or insecurity. I will process loss and tragedy at superhuman speed, and I will always feel blissful and light.

Pardon my language, but I am here to call bullshit on this myth. Let’s blow it up and toss it to the wind. Let’s destroy this insane, unattainable concept of happiness and being happier.

One of my foundational beliefs in Living Happier is that you have to experience the yuck. As the expression goes, shit happens. Relationships break up; parents become sick, fatal car accidents occur and jobs are lost. Real grief is something we all experience and more importantly, it isn’t something that we experience easily or well. Real grief is hard. It rips your insides out and makes you cry to the depth of your being. Unfortunately, it is not something one thinks of when talking about Living Happier.

The other day I was talking to a friend who was lamenting the loss of her parent. Her mother had died a couple of years ago, and every year around the anniversary of her death, she feels the grief overwhelm her. "I should be done with this grief. I am supposed to be Living Happier, right?" I lovingly reminded her that it is perfectly normal to feel the loss of her mother. It was, after all, her mother and quite honestly, she only died 2 years ago. So, hell yes, she will still be feeling a very real loss of one of the most important people in her life!

Living Happier doesn’t mean living in denial or living a delusion. Living Happier isn’t pasting a smile on your face no matter what. It isn’t ignoring your feelings.

Living Happier means allowing yourself to have a bad day. To give yourself grace around pain, sadness, and grief. Living Happier means you can give yourself the radical acceptance necessary to move through the inevitable emotions that come up as you move through the peaks and valleys of life.

In order to Live Happier, you have to LIVE. Live fully engaged, intentional, and aware. If you are ignoring, shaming, or belittling your grief and pain, you are not living and you are definitely not Living Happier. Sometimes in an effort to Live Happier you will cry, you will be angry; you will be cranky and tired and not look or feel happier. However, at the end of the day, at the end of the cry, at the end of the rant, you will be happier, because you will be embracing all of your life the good, the bad and the ugly.

To Live Happier doesn’t mean you will constantly feel HAPPY or blissful. The quest to Live Happier is just that a quest. A quest to give you room to feel all of life, both the joy and the pain. A quest of knowing that in the span of twenty-four hours, you can cry our eyes out and laugh until your stomach hurts. When you are truly Living Happier, you are able to experience and show up for all of life.

I ask you to join me in ridding this world of the Myth of Living Happier.

My Favorite Definition of Peace

This sign sits in my office. It is one of my favorite quotes and is the guiding principle of my work.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work,

it means to be in the midst of those things

and still be calm in your heart."

-Anonymous

This is also my definition of Living Happier. Living Happier means that even when life gets rocky and hard, you can still keep your footing, stay grounded and remain at peace...content. Living Happier does not mean always feeling happy, never dealing with problems, never experiencing pain or sorrow or never moving through hard work. When I work with clients, I help them to become more at peace. To recognize that no matter what the changes, transition, or decisions that need to be made they can remain grounded, solid and calm in their hearts. It is commonplace when we hit snags in the road to throw up our own roadblocks through drama, arguments, and avoidance. When we can experience these snags through a place of peace, life is better.

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