No Surprises Living in Devizes
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About this ebook
9th Feb 2016, I don’t know what came over me as checked Facebook before my mid-morning nap; hard life I know. Saw this news post from a site I’d not heard of before, went by the name of Index: Wiltshire. I quickly despatched a message to them, without any real thought as to the implications of my actions. That moment of lunacy is why we are here today, with this book; all I can do is apologise.
I asked if they needed any writers; dared them to take a chance, making it perfectly clear I had no experience in journalism. Did they listen? No, they just let me loose on a path; I had no idea where it led.
Forward wind a year and No Surprises Living in Devizes has become a bit of a “thing,” the best description I can come up with. Every Sunday a new episode goes live like the unleashing of a crazed dragon on steroids. I face a plethora of responses and feedback; some are nice.
There’s brute honesty in the causerie journalism doesn’t usually convey in this day and age. This stems from the fact I’m not a journalist. It also brings a straightforward view on life in our traditional market town, with wonky edges.
Yeah it’s satire, something which soars over the heads of some like a B52. Yeah it’s a rant, playing a character more left wing then Jeremey Corbyn’s vest in a preponderance of conservative snobbery, and yeah, it’s very design is to turn your stomach after resting off your Sunday roast. But hey, I try to be pleasant.
Here’s the thing I quickly learned, it’s impossible to find a weekly subject to rant about Devizes every week and if there is one surprise in Devize; it be art it be a rioght gard place and I’m gandeflanking yer shagger.
So sit back, try to make yourself comfy, maybe take a stiff drink and enjoy what is principally just a collation of all the year’s No Surprises Living in Devizes.
Darren Worrow
I was born in the Fling Dynasty of a small planet known as Duncan in a galaxy far, far away. My humble parents, believing the planet was on the eve of destruction, sent me off as a baby in an egg-shaped craft and I landed here on planet Earth in the spring of 1973. I was later to discover through a cavern of ice, as you do, that the planet was fine all the time and it was just a particularly nasty prank by my father’s mates down the pub. I landed in a deep jungle and was raised by a company of wolves, learning to live as they did. Until one day when a naughty tiger with a very English accent came along and I was whisked away by a black panther and a jazz singing bear to a man-village. It wasn’t the tiger I was worried about; it was the American cartoon producer following on behind him. It was at the village that I won a golden ticket to visit a chocolate factory where I fell into a river made of chocolate and was sucked up a pipe into a fudge room; happy days. It could have been worse; I heard some other kid turned into an exploding blueberry. I lived at a coastal Inn for a while until an old sailor paid me a penny to look out for a legless seadog; what a cheapskate. In finding him I discovered a treasure map and was promptly whisked away by a sailor to a Caribbean island where I got into a bit of a rumble with some pirate radio DJ called Captain Tony Blackbeard. It was that or another holiday in Clacton. At eleven I was taken away by a man with an uncanny resemblance to actor and comedian Robbie Coltrane to a school for wizards where I had to battle it out with some bald blue bloke who killed my parents, said he was a lawyer working for an author called JK Rolling or something. That wasn’t as bad as the frog flavoured semolina we had to eat for school dinner. As I grew up and went to college I decided to give my favourite toys, a cowboy and a space ranger, away to a snotty girl from around the corner, nobody told me the cowboy was really Tom Hanks otherwise I would have given them away a lot sooner. So, other than the time I was bitten by a rare spider and found myself with special arachnid powers which I used to defeat an evil leprechaun, I left college and it was all very uneventful. Nowadays I have settled down to a family life and enjoy writing books, striving to be more like Bruce Bogtrotter every day. People say “where do you get your ideas from?” I tell them I have no idea, I've had such a boring, everyday life. If you really can be bothered to know more about me why don’t you visit my website at www.darrenworrow.webs.com and find out even more honest facts?
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