Ain't "U" Got No Manners?

By Kristin Johnson

Facebook. Twitter. Cell phones, smartphones, iPads, email. The World Wide Web. The Internet of Things. SnapChat. You know and use them every day. Do you know how to use them effectively? Have you ever...

Gotten red in the Facebook?
Been defeated by something tweeted?
Regretted a SnapChat decision?
Been outmatched by Match.com?
Worried about your Selfie-esteem?

Is there a secret to living our increasingly wired life while not letting it consume you so you can live your best life offline?

More than just another etiquette book, AIN’T “U” GOT NO MANNERS is your go-to guide with secrets and common sense for surviving and thriving in a world that increasingly blends your online life. It will help you hit the #Think button, and at a minimum, entertain you with a rogues’ gallery of online mistakes. It will also call attention to the upside of online.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kristin Johnson
• Release date: Jan 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9780996843744

Kristin Johnson

Kristin Johnson lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, with her family and their dog and teaches writing at a local college. She spent two years as a media specialist and children's librarian in Minneapolis Public Schools.

Book preview

Acknowledgments

Joyce Spizer Foy, aka my Alien Mom (AM), challenged me to do this book ten years ago and life intervened. I put it in the writers’ desk drawer of unfinished projects until she found the old drafts in 2015, at which point we decided to create it anew. What a journey it has been.

A debt of gratitude to Ms. Balpreet Kaur and Ms. Holly Grigg-Spall for taking the time to sit for interviews for this book.

To David Leonhardt, president of The Happy Guy Marketing (THGMWriters.com, TheHappyGuy.com), for writing about success, happiness and search engine optimization on the Internet since Al Gore invented it (the Internet), for kindly agreeing to let me use his content in this book, for being an amazing wellspring that keeps me employed as a writer—and for being an incredible friend. To the Leonhardt family: Chantal Bussiere Leonhardt, Chantalyne, and Lauralee.

To Zachary Berenbaum, the next generation, Internet entrepreneur, nephew and all-around cool kid, for providing an essay on how to be cool on the Internet, and to his sister Kathryn for reminding me not everything on the Internet is true (by the way, she is making money on the Internet too).

I would like to thank the following additional people/organizations for permitting me to excerpt their words, postings, and content in this book: Shonell Bacon; Richard R.B. Botto; Suzanne Bronson; Curt Clendenin; Burt Constable; Michelle Danner; David Gelles; Helen M. Holdun; Carla King; Charles Landau, Administrative Coordinator of the PEW Research Center (pewinternet.org); Douglas Eugene Mayfield; Joe McGovern, filmmaker, The Other Side, http://theothersidedocumentary.com/; Aimee Mosco Coakley of IHS; Grant Ossler, TheOnion.com; Fenster Owatahowoo; Dessa Byrd Reed; Kara Swisher of Vox Media; Laura Taylor; and T.J. Walker.

To Internet marketing genius and Webmistress Pamela Heath Orandi of AroPistachio.com for waiting ten-plus years for this book to be completed.

To the giving and talented communities of the Santa Barbara Writers Conference, Southern California Writers Conference, Palm Springs Writers Guild, Desert Screenwriters Guild, and Palm Springs Women in Film and Television for their creative support. Also, to the National League of American Pen Women-Palm Springs for introducing me to Joyce in 1999 at the Desert Writers’ Workshop co-organized by Barbara McClure of the erstwhile The Desert Woman.

To the late writer, pilot, and adventuress Mary Burgess Barrer, a dear friend and my other mom who encouraged all my endeavors and had the sense to get off Facebook when it was infecting her computer. To DeAnn Lubell-Ames, my writing partner on the adaptation of her novel The Last Moon for teaching me about PR.

To another one of my adopted moms (Island Mom), Paulette Smith, for many discussions on the Internet and manners. To my other adopted moms, such as my godmother Aunt Sally. 

To my writing clients and partners who supported the idea of this book.

To my soul sisters and extended family and friends whose names could fill a page, and to all the people who said, I want to read this book.

Lastly, but not least, to my incredible sister Kate, my nephew Zachary and my niece Kathryn, and the best parents ever, James and Kathryn Johnson. I could never have done this without your love. Thank you.

Introduction

The Wayback Machine, or When We Had Manners

A man of breeding does not slap strangers on the back nor so much as lay his finger-tips on a lady. Nor does he punctuate his conversation by pushing or nudging or patting people, nor take his conversation out of the drawing-room! Notwithstanding the advertisements in the most dignified magazines, a discussion of underwear and toilet articles and their merit or their use, is unpleasant in polite conversation.

— (Post, Emily. 29. The Fundamentals of Good Behavior. Bartleby.com. Web. 09 Oct. 2015. http://www.bartleby.com/95/29.html)

We at Ain’t U Got No Manners or #AUGNM, love to use the Wayback, as in the Internet Archive—although we’re fans of the time machine of the same name in Mr. Peabody and Sherman. We found the above quote by Emily Post via the Wayback at http://www.archive.org.

To sum up how things used to be in the Dark Ages before the Internet: if you had manners, which most people did, you didn’t invade someone’s personal space or take your conversation out of the drawing room. That is, private things remained private. No one discussed stuff you did in the bathroom. You know all this. You’ve seen it in old movies and your grandparents’ houses, most likely your parents’ houses, unless your name is Honey Boo Boo or anything ending in Kardashian. "N.B.: We at AUGNM have family members who have met Kendall and Kylie Jenner, who were reportedly very well-behaved. In Chapter 14, we will be discussing Kim Kardashian-West’s naked selfies, and we want to extend our sympathies to Ms. Kardashian-West, and the entire Kardashian clan, for the 2016 home invasion that terrorized them.

Let’s jump forward to 2014 via the Wayback. Emily Post’s grandson Daniel Post Senning, an author, is featured in a segment that covers the manners of today. In that segment, the teen reporter says, As you can see, most of us know what good manners are, but listen to this—when it comes to using digital devices, like cell phones, three out of four people believe good manners today are as out of date as MySpace. So is social media encouraging bad behavior? We don’t have a reference for this segment, so we suggest visiting Daniel Post Senning at http://emilypost.com/bio/daniel-post-senning/.

Mr. Post responds: Good manners are as important today as they’ve ever been. Treating people with honesty, with respect, with consideration, are the cores for good behavior no matter what time or age we live in.

If we texted or Facebooked or Snapchatted Mr. Post Senning, we might respond this way to indicate our approval: Love it. Props to you. Or perhaps we might use a clapping emoji. Or acknowledge Mr. Post Sennett in this book, which we just did.

Of course, there are trolls and malcontents in every crowd. Just peruse the YouTube comments section of, for heaven’s sake, a video about manners, Good Manners: What to Say and Do (Polite English).¹ We at AUGNM respect free speech,² but as a public service, we’re providing some examples to show how things have changed since 1922. Behold, the comments section of that video: Nah (expletive) this. Thank you for putting this on the web, I know it will help a lot of people. Follow-up comment: It obviously has not helped you, though. Very arrogant telling people what to do in certain countries smacks of racism and arrogance.³

Sticks and stones, we know. After all, it’s only a YouTube comment, and we should simply just go back to watching cat videos, which is, after all, the purpose of the Internet.

Don’t get us wrong: people who pretend to be gatekeepers find no favor with Mrs. Post either (this group may include AUGNM):

But the caricature ‘lady’ with the comic picture ‘society manner’ who says ‘Pardon me’ and talks of ‘retiring,’ and ‘residing,’ and ‘desiring,’ and ‘being acquainted with,’ and ‘attending’ this and that with ‘her escort,’ and curls her little finger over the handle of her teacup, and pirates of ‘culture,’ does not belong to Best Society, and never will!⁴

AUGNM hopes that if you catch us being that caricature lady that you will email us (privately) at [e-mail]. If you should tweet about it, post it on Facebook or write anything on the massive wall of the Internet, we’ll read it and give it some thought. That’s what our mothers taught us.

Why Write a Book About Digital Manners?

If we know we will be criticized, why write this book in the first place? Does the world need a book about digital manners? According to PEW Research, yes;⁵

* 88% of teen social media users believe people share too much information about themselves on social media.

* 53% of social media-using teens have seen people posting to social media about events to which they were not invited.

* 42% of social media-using teens have had someone post things on social media about them that they cannot change or control.

* 21% of teen social media users report feeling worse about their life because of what they see from other friends on social media.

The UK Daily Mail reports that 77 percent of people in the U.S., 80 percent in Europe, and 82 percent in Asia find checking the phone during dinner frustrating. Also, take note if you have a lot of African or European friends or often travel there: they find it rude when people take pictures of food and posting them online. (Daily Mail,⁶ 11 June 2015).

Ironic, then, that while most of us can’t live without the Internet, it exposes our foibles, pet peeves, and bad behavior in ways unheard of in 1922 or even twenty years ago. While humans adapt quickly, consider this:

The list goes on. Twenty years ago, tweeting was for the birds, Facebook probably referred to a model’s portfolio, and MySpace was what you needed when you wanted to break up with someone. Selfie sounded like something out of J.R.R. Tolkien. YouTube might be something in an engineering manual. Digital technology has been part of daily life for a little over two decades. In 1922, people were just getting used to the telephone after the 1915 first coast-to-coast long-distance telephone call between Pa Bell and Watson. So a century has gone by, and we’re still figuring out how to get online—in the sense of using the Internet as a tool for communication.

What are we communicating? Are some ways better than others? Yes. Not to sound like Society Matron, but we at AUGNM do believe some ways are better than others. We’d like to share them with you. If you picked up this book, we know you bought it for someone else whose phubbing (phone snubbing—it’s a thing) annoys you, such as your spouse or kids. Yes. You bought it for them. Because that is the height of good manners. To light one virtual candle rather than curse someone re-posting that chain letter. You know, the one that says entering your PIN in reverse at an ATM will summon the police. For the record: it won’t.⁷

So do the world a favor and make good manners viral again.

How to Use this Book

Steve Jobs said, Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. The design is how it works. This book will do five things:

1. Entertain you because we’re competing with YouTube.

2. Expose bad manners on the Internet.

3. Show you how to spot bad manners.

4. Help you avoid engaging in bad behavior.

5. Teach you the art of Internet Kung-Fu.

Assumptions We Make

Assumptions make an ass of you and me. That said, we have a few:

* You have decent manners.

* You’re on social media and other Internet tools.

* You have email and/or a mobile device. (We have to ask.)

Tips for Getting the Most Out of this Book

Feel free to skip around. We’ve included takeaways at the end of every chapter, and we recommend reading those first. That will give you our best tips for good behavior on the Internet.

Pay attention to a few features:

[UGM] Whenever you see this, it indicates one of our top tips.

[404] A 404 is Internet code for File Not Found. Whenever you see this image, you’re about to read one of the dumbest things we’ve seen on the Internet/experienced in real life.

[AUGNM Pop Culture Moment] Our favorite moments from pop culture that deal with the Internet.

Whenever you see this image, it indicates something that will kill your reputation (and worse). Danger. Do not enter.

Chapter 1

iOS/DOS=I Operate Smart/Don’t Operate Stupid

"There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to touch an electric fence."

—Will Rogers

OMG, Sooo I don’t like dolphins anymore!! Squirrels are my new favorite reptile SOOOOO CUTTEEE!—Facebook user quoted on BuzzFeed.com. neither a dolphin nor a squirrel is a reptile.—Facebook user quoted on BuzzFeed.com⁸

Right now you may be thinking, I don’t post things like the Facebook quotes on the Internet. Only a moron would.

You’re right, by the way.

Most people know not to touch an electric fence (despite what you see on YouTube)⁹. However, as Mark Twain wrote on the Internet: It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.¹⁰

Now, unless you regularly appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live’s Lie Witness News¹¹ segments or on Watters’ World on The O’Reilly Factor or have won a Darwin Award, you know Mark Twain has been dead for a hundred years and is not blogging. He is, however, tweeting as many dead historical figures do thanks to modern-day devotees: https://twitter.com/MarkTwain. Either way, his quote applies to the Internet. We would add further that we’ve gotten into trouble on the Internet because we didn’t know what we didn’t know. Luckily, we at AUGNM have grown wiser and now dispense our hard-earned wisdom, Twitter battle scars, Facebook follies, and e-mail unmentionables all for your benefit.

Thanks to our collective experience, we created a new operating system for all Internet and electronic use, including cell phones/iPads/tablets: iOS/DOS.

We’ve merged Apple and Microsoft, without all the tech hassles or antitrust issues.

I Operate Smart=Apple could run the world. If you’re an Apple antagonist, pay attention: there is a reason why the late Steve Jobs has two biopics and a documentary. We’ll get to you Gates-a-holics in a moment.

Apple operates smart. Everything is integrated: computers, iPads, iPhones, iWatch, Apple TV. Your Internet life is no different. You can’t say, Well, I flamed on Facebook but I’m great with email, because anyone can type in a few words and find you on Facebook, especially if you don’t send your profile privacy settings to Friends. More on that in Chapter 3. You’re not safe with that setting either: that friend on Facebook could be a potential employer or the gossipy work colleague who can’t wait to dish the dirt on what you said about your boss.

With your Apple devices, the operating system encourages you to integrate everything. The Internet does the same thing. Many sites, knowing that you don’t want to remember one more password just to post a comment on the Kardashians or global warming, give you the option to sign in or link your sign-in with your Facebook account. Convenience, in this case, trumps privacy concerns, and it can help or hurt your online image—see the case of Mat Honan in the sidebar.

Issues of online security aside, Mat Honan’s story illustrates the need for iOS: You provide the information needed to destroy your digital life when you treat your email as separate from Twitter, all the while forgetting how easily they can intersect. It doesn’t take a hacker to ruin your reputation—all it takes is a Google search. Treat email, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, even Snapchat, with equal respect and caution, because they’re all linked.

In a sense, Microsoft is much like Jay Leno and Nickelback in that the level of criticism directed at its object is directly proportional to its success and pervasiveness.

—Greg McFarlane, Investopedia 2014¹²

Don’t Operate Stupid=Microsoft haters love to pound on the Windows design flaws, but Microsoft, like Apple, excels in its sphere, and you can use what Microsoft does well as a #AUGNMLifeHack.

As Greg McFarlane says in the quoted Investopedia article, Microsoft is so ubiquitous, a constant reminder in the daily lives of those who use its products. Every time you turn your computer on, Microsoft’s logo is staring at you, even if you’re a Mac or Linux user who nevertheless uses Microsoft’s Office suite.

* Similarly, the Internet is ubiquitous in your life—even if