Goodman's Bad Day: A Novel

By Michael Crane

After being let go from his lousy job and finding his wife in bed with another man, Benjamin hits the bar, wondering what else could possibly go wrong—unaware he’s about to have one of the worst days of his life.

"The universe is playing a series of cruel and unfortunate jokes on you. More jokes to follow."

That’s what’s printed on the card Benjamin Goodman receives from a strange, drunken homeless man he meets at the bar.

In this dark comedy of random and absurd situations, Benjamin Goodman’s about to get one hell of a wake-up call that he so desperately needs. Everybody has bad days. Sometimes they can make or break a person. If Benjamin wants to get through his horrendous day in one piece, he’ll have to do the one thing he’s been afraid to do his entire life.

He’ll have to stand up for himself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Crane
• Release date: Jan 15, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370377114

Michael Crane

Michael Crane is an indie author and short story writer. Switching between slice-of-life fiction and horror stories, he is the author of In Decline (stories), Giggles (a novella), and a number of drabble collections (Lessons and Other Morbid Drabbles, Lessons II: Another Morbid Drabble Collection, Lessons III: Demonic Dolls and Other Morbid Drabbles, Lessons IV: The Dead Carnival and Other Morbid Drabbles, Lessons V: The Terrible Town and Other Morbid Drabbles). He currently lives in Illinois with his wife.

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GOODMAN’S BAD DAY

A Novel

Michael Crane

Goodman’s Bad Day

Copyright © 2016 by Michael Crane. All rights reserved.

First Smashwords Edition: January 2017

Cover and formatting: Streetlight Graphics

Editing: Victory Editing

This is a work of fiction. Names and places are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the author.

CHAPTER 1

This is how the story begins. Whether you choose to believe a word of it is up to you.

Benjamin Goodman had just been terminated from his job. His boss didn’t even pretend to be nice about it or wish him good luck. He didn’t try to take away any of the sting by telling him he’d done a terrific job. He simply told him it was far cheaper to hire somebody straight out of high school… and he also thought Benjamin was a dweeb.

Let’s be honest, Benny baby, Gus Macy told him in his office. You’re not very cool, okay? Now, we need vibrant and exciting individuals if we ever expect to be a smash hit with the masses, right? Young kids today? Gus pounded his chest. "They know what’s going down. They know what it means to be hip or groovy. I’m afraid you don’t."

Benjamin stared at him with his mouth agape. I… I don’t understand.

"You’re a lame duck, Ben! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. How can we succeed and be original or… or… creative if we have people like you working here?"

Benjamin was silent for a moment. His thirty-five-year-old brain couldn’t process it all correctly. It was as if the poor son of a bitch’s brain was a web browser that had just crashed on him. Click as many times as you will, but you keep getting that Not Responding message over and over again.

Um… Benjamin cleared his throat and blinked several times. We sell paper clips.

Gus’s eyes went big when he heard that. His face reddened and he looked like he was about to throw a punch, which wouldn’t have been very strong. He was a tiny man with a goofy handlebar mustache. The hit would be unpleasant, yes, but nothing that could send somebody to the hospital.

And it was all true. Benjamin Goodman worked at Macy’s Paper Clip Emporium. A place that sold paper clips and nothing else. How in the world can a store survive by selling only paper clips, you might wonder? The truth is there are some sad and scary folks out there who take paper clips very seriously. A small minority, maybe. That doesn’t make them any less frightening. Usually they’d walk in with horrid wigs that looked like things even a clown would reject. Elderly men with glasses as big as Mason jars would always stop by and ask about the latest and greatest in paper clips, and God help you if you didn’t know the right answer.

Gus pointed at Benjamin. You see? See, that’s what I’m talking about. It’s that exact kind of attitude that’s dragging this place down, and that’s why you have to go! We don’t need that kind of attitude at Macy’s Paper Clip Emporium. No, sir! That’s why I’m handing you your walking papers today, bub. Our sales are down because you don’t have the drive to think outside the box!

There were a number of things Benjamin could’ve done. He could’ve argued and screamed. He could’ve stood up for himself and fought back a little. However, he did none of that because Benjamin Goodman had always been an extremely passive person. The kind of man who didn’t want to cause any trouble. If a mugger robbed him, he wouldn’t have to show a gun to get Benjamin to hand over his wallet. Even the slightest suggestion that the man was armed would be good enough for him to justify handing it over without further consequences. He’d always been passive ever since he was a little child, but more on that later.

Oh, he said to his boss, feeling embarrassed to be let go in a small and tiny office with yellow walls. Why yellow walls? His boss loved the color. He even wore a yellow shirt every day. His reasoning was that yellow was the color of smiley faces. Although Benjamin never saw anything cool about smiley faces, he didn’t dare say anything.

Yes, Gus said. You see now, don’t you?

I suppose. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better worker for you.

"Well, I’m very sorry that I have to let you go, Ben. I mean, do you think this puts a smile on my face? No, sir. But we live in times where everything moves fast, and everything has to be cool."

If that were the case, then Benjamin couldn’t defend himself on that point. He most certainly didn’t see himself as being cool. He also didn’t think that selling paper clips was cool, but he kept all that to himself. He’d never dare to speak those words out loud even if he was being let go and he’d most likely never see Gus Macy ever again. It wasn’t like he’d have to come back and buy paper clips after all. And if he did need paper clips, he sure as hell wouldn’t return to this store.

There was nothing else Benjamin could do besides accept his fate. He bid his boss a good day and made his way out the office. When he walked through the store, nobody asked him why he was leaving or if he had been fired. They simply didn’t care. Nobody was happy at Macy’s Paper Clip Emporium, yet Gus Macy was the only one who didn’t seem to notice. The salespeople walked around like zombies, and how could they not? It doesn’t take much to drag a person’s self-esteem down to hell. Selling paper clips was sure enough an easy way to accomplish that.

And so it was that Benjamin Goodman, a very tall and skinny man in his midthirties, left the store after changing out of his uniform with a somber look on his face. He wasn’t upset that he’d lost his job. Okay, maybe he was just a little, but he was mostly upset that, in yet another situation, he’d failed to stand up for himself. He could’ve said a number of things to Gus, and in fact, he replayed the scene in his head. This time he saw himself getting up and telling Gus just what he thought of his horrible store and the terrible yellow walls. In his mind, he saw the spit fly from his mouth as he dressed down Mr. Macy just like his mother had done to people many times when he was young. But that was all in his mind. In reality, Benjamin didn’t like to do anything that would cause waves of any kind. Even if he no longer had a pool to make waves in, he figured it’d be best to leave on good terms.

He got in his car and rubbed his right temple. Way to go, Ben. What a way to stand up for yourself. He took a quick peek in the rearview mirror and groaned in disgust. Pathetic. Is it any wonder the world steps all over you every single day?

After sighing a few more times, a defeated Benjamin started his car and left for home, not realizing that his horrible day was about to get even worse.

CHAPTER 2

There was something wrong with the picture, and Benjamin Goodman knew that as soon as he got home. A strange car was in his driveway, and it was a car he’d never seen in his life. It was a purple Jeep with green tires and a license plate that read P1MP1N.

That he did not take as a good sign. Oh dear, he thought. What on earth was going to happen to him now? He got out of his car and stared at the monstrosity that was the purple Jeep. Why the hell anybody would possibly want green tires was beyond him, but as Gus Macy accused Benjamin of not being with the times, perhaps it was part of a new craze.

He stared at his house, not wanting to go inside. He already had a feeling of what he’d stumble across. It was no secret that he and his wife didn’t get along. She always nagged at him, much like his mother had when he was little. She’d call him the most despicable names and boss him around to do meaningless chores. Half the time, Benjamin thought she actually got off on bossing him around in a strange and sick way, but sadly he never confronted her about it. He never confronted her about anything. He simply nodded and did as he was told.

Benjamin entered the house and slowly made his way up the stairs like a child dreading a visit to the principal’s office. He could hear heavy panting and the sound of bedsprings bouncing up and down in a repeated fashion. He gulped and felt a sort of sadness blanket him. Closing his eyes for a brief moment, he opened them as he placed his hand on the doorknob. He opened the door, and sure enough, there was his wife, riding naked on top of another man. Benjamin’s eyes widened in horror and surprise. He looked back out into the hallway, thinking that maybe—just maybe—he had possibly entered the wrong house. Of course, he noticed the photo on the wall of him and his wife: his wife with an unhappy look on her face while Benjamin had forced a smile that seemed crooked.

This really was his house, unfortunately.

Benjamin looked back at his wife. The two hadn’t noticed him. Um…. He cleared his throat and pinched the back of his neck with his fingers, hoping he’d find out he was in a really bad dream, a gesture he’d done many times throughout his sad and upsetting life. He cleared his throat once more and stammered, Ummm… uh… Hello.

Claire stopped panting and looked back at her husband for the first time. Her eyes rolled back, and she shook her head. "Oh. It’s you."

Yeah… it’s me, Benjamin said. What’s going on here?

The man below his wife looked up and shot Benjamin a grin. Hey, man! How’s it goin’?

Oh, Benjamin said, giving an awkward and shaky wave. The man’s pleasantness threw him completely off. Hello. And how are you?

Fantastic, my man! Fantastic! My name’s Eduardo! He grinned at him even more, exposing his white teeth and revealing a golden tooth. He twisted his black goatee and caressed Claire’s naked side with his left hand. We’re just chillin’ and shit, you know. Relaxin’ and kickin’ back. You know how it is, right?

Ah, Benjamin said, at a complete loss for words. He felt completely baffled by the entire and dreadful scene before him. Surely he would’ve felt better if there was some screaming. Hell, if Eduardo had threatened to castrate him for interrupting their lovemaking, that would’ve been much better than the unwarranted niceness the man was showing.

Claire brushed her short brown hair back and gave her husband a dirty look, her eyes becoming smaller and smaller. If she could burn him by the mere act of staring at him, Benjamin knew she’d do it. But instead, Claire simply sighed and spat out, If you don’t mind, we’d like a little privacy.

Ah. Would you?

Yeah, if you don’t mind, my man, Eduardo said. The grin never left his face for a single second. It was nice meeting you though! Maybe we can hang out and grab a beer sometime. On me!

If Benjamin had any courage within himself somewhere in that skinny body of his, he would’ve thrown Eduardo down the damn stairs and called his wife the most vicious names he thought he’d never say in his life. Sadly, Benjamin was a coward. He hadn’t stood up to his boss, so why would he do differently in this situation?

Ahh, Benjamin said, rubbing his long, clean-shaven chin. It was a chin that gave children nightmares, or so his wife always told him. And of course he’d never argue back or ask her why the hell she’d marry such an eyesore if that were the case. I’m so sorry to have interrupted the two of you, he added. He looked at them for a few seconds, and he felt his eyes watering a little. I guess I should be on my way then?

Claire let out a loud groan and dropped her hands on Eduardo’s chest with a loud slap. Eduardo yelped in pain, but that didn’t shake her any. It’s over, Benjamin. I don’t love you. I don’t see what’s not to get.

There was nothing else to do, so Benjamin slowly walked away from the two in silence. He walked down the stairs, and he could already tell that the two had gone back at their joyous screwing once again. It was as if he’d never walked in at all, but that was the story of Benjamin Goodman’s life. Always walking by, and as soon as he left the room, he’d never be given a second thought. The bouncing of the bedsprings seemed louder than before, and the panting—the panting from Claire was even louder and maybe a little forced, just to add insult to injury. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. It was over. That much he knew.

When Benjamin walked outside, he stood by his car and covered his face with his hand. He sobbed, although not loudly. Yes,