Raising Hell or Raise Them Well: A Faith-Inspired Self-Help Guide for Parents and Parent Figures Who Are Under Siege

By Edye Deloch-Hughes

Raising Hell: Allowing unresolved anger and hurt to negatively affect how you raise your kids
Raise Them Well: Healing old wounds so you can parent in a healthier way

Do you raise hell or raise your kids well? Most of us do both. We all carry our fair share of baggage. Some we acknowledge, some we don’t, and some we don’t know we hold. As parents, we often allow our personal demons to affect how we raise our kids. Raising Hell or Raise Them Well asks you to examine yourself, mend the torn pieces, and man-up (or woman-up) to personal stuff that needs healing. When you heal your own wounds, you can parent your kids in a healthier way.
Unlike general market parenting books, Raising Hell or Raise Them Well is real talk advice with vital information and words of faith to empower you and improve your parenting game. It offers options and support on how to raise your children to be respectful, intelligent, and happy in this current world. And through it all, it shows you how to ask God for guidance.

Raising Hell or Raise Them Well includes:

90 parent points on: Love • Meaningful Connections • Communication •
Keeping Commitments • Character Building • Discipline • School Involvement • Safety
PLUS! Engaging exercises, helpful resources, scriptures, prayers, quotes, and affirmations

Raising Hell or Raise Them Well is for:
Moms, dads, baby mamas, baby daddies, noncustodial parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, Godparents, foster parents, guardians, stepparents, caregivers—whoever raises kids!

Buy Raising Hell of Raise Them Well for yourself, use it as part of your parenting workshop, or give it as a gift of love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 22, 2015
• ISBN: 9781682228197

Book preview

Author

INTRODUCTION

Parents, Raise Your Expectations

Did your parent(s) raise hell or raise you well? Your upbringing, personal experiences, and belief systems determine how well or how much hell you’ll raise rearing your own kids. We carry our fair share of baggage. Some we acknowledge, some we don’t, and some we don’t know we hold. This book asks you to examine yourself, mend the torn pieces, and man-up (or wo-man up) to personal stuff that needs correcting. When we heal our wounds, we can parent our kids in a healthier way.

Raising Hell or Raise Them Well is not the Bible, though it was inspired by it. There may be some suggestions that you may not agree with. That’s cool. But it may offer you options you never considered before.

Being a working mother, with an involved father, was a blessing, but man, it was rough raising two boys of color, especially when those male hormones started kicking in. It’s hell to raise kids, especially sons, in a society that views them as menaces to society. How is your child’s self- esteem? How is yours? Does your anger rub off on them? How do you instill discipline and build character? How do you protect your kids from forces that mean to do them harm? And through it all, how do you ask God for guidance? Yeah, raising kids in this world is hell. It can keep us from raising our kids well.

That’s why I wrote this book.

Parenting books are a dime a dozen, but most are written for moms and dads in general—not specifically for multicultural moms, dads, grandparents, and guardians. They don’t always take into account parents with limited resources, who live in unsafe neighborhoods or are single parents. What about the young moms and dads, nonresidential or noncustodial parents? Don’t get me wrong, all parents share common experiences, but because of the cultural diversities and traditions that exist, there lies challenges within under-served communities that are rarely addressed in the general market books. Raising Hell or Raise Them Well speaks to the parenting experience in a way all of us can understand and relate.

It took a lot of scripture, prayer, self-reflection, and correction for me and my husband, Darryl Hughes, to get this parenting thing as close to right as possible.

Our boys turned out okay, but we found that old saying to be true: If you know better, you’ll do better. I hope this book promotes the better.

Blessings,

Edye Deloch-Hughes

CHAPTER 1

Raise Up Love

Raising Hell: Thinking Three Squares and a Bed is Love Enough

Raise Them Well: Giving Love Beyond The Bare Minimum

You have to know what love is and how to express it in a way that your children will understand.

In the movie, The Brothers, Bill Bellamy’s character has an argument with his mother about her lack of showing love and affection to her sons. She never told them she loved them, and she never bothered to hug them either. When he asks her about this, she retorts, I raised you. That’s love enough.

Perhaps you’re thinking that raising your kids is love enough. But to raise your kids well, your kids need more than a diaper change and a pair of shoes. They need your time and attention, your words of encouragement, and your loving touch. Gary D. Chapman and Ross Campbell MD explain how you need to fill your child’s emotional tank. In raising children, everything depends on the love relationship between the parent and the child. Nothing works well if a child’s love needs are not met. Only the child who feels genuinely loved and cared for can do her best. You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it – unless you speak the love language that communicates to her your love—she will not feel loved.¹

Give the kind of love that fits the child. Chapman and Campbell discuss the five love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I’m suspecting the mother in the movie, The Brothers, showed her love through acts of service—things she did for her kids. But her sons did not feel the love. They yearned for her physical touch. Couples split up because they fail to speak the other’s love language. Parent/child relationships become strained for the same reason. Find out what your children’s love language is and speak it to them.

LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF

The greatest gift you can give your children is to show them how to love and respect themselves. Aretha belted about respect. The Staple singers crooned about respecting yourself. We need to sing that point to our children daily.

You do it by loving and respecting yourself first. You may not love yourself at all. You let people hurt you or take advantage of you, or you hurt your body. This self-hate rubs off on your kids, and the cycle continues.

How do you practice self-love and respect? Don’t allow yourself to be abused or mistreated by others. That means respecting your body and telling your children to do the same, and teaching them that their body is a temple. Our bodies should not be defiled by drugs, alcohol, or nicotine. Each part of our body is beautiful and precious, and it is not there for the taking by anyone. No matter who your children are, they are God’s perfect creation. Every blemish, every pore, and every perceived flaw is precious in His sight. No matter the hair type, skin color, or features, or whether their body is in need of healing, you and your children are beautiful and worthy of self-love. The way to teach them self-love is to practice it yourself. You are their greatest example.

Loving yourself can be a struggle, especially if you grew up in a household where you weren’t taught to self-love or it didn’t exist. It’s hard to figure out how to do love yourself. I struggled with that myself. I was molested as a little girl and thought I wasn’t good enough. It didn’t dawn on me until years later that I didn’t love me.

What does NOT loving and respecting yourself look like?

•Letting people take advantage of you

•Letting others beat on you

•Believing the bad things people say about you (you’ve heard it so often, it must be true, so you start being what they say you are)

•Putting yourself in harm’s way

•Putting drugs, alcohol, and other substances in your body

•Wishing you looked and acted like someone else

•Hating your skin tone, hair texture, and facial features

•Easily giving up your body to sex

•Chasing after people who are no good

•Thinking you’re not good enough, smart enough, or good-looking enough

•Thinking the bad things people did to you were your fault

Those feelings you have toward yourself are subconsciously projected onto your kids. Remember this: Other people’s perceptions are not your reality unless you make it so. Here’s how to work toward self-love:

Try This: Reflection

Grab a pen, notebook, or a piece of paper and find a comfortable space to do this exercise. Answer these fourteen questions to the best of your ability. If you feel stuck, let it go and come back to this later. However, I do encourage you to finish this exercise. If you have a journal, this reflection exercise may help you express your thoughts and feelings more freely. Relax, there are no wrong answers. I only ask that you be true and honest with yourself.

1.How do you feel about yourself?

2.What do you like about yourself?

3.What don’t you like about yourself?

4.Why do you feel this way?

5.What kinds of situations make you feel small?

6.How do you feel when those situations happen?

7.How do you respond to those situations?

8.What have you done to try to change your situations?

9.What kind of relationship do you have with your kids?

10.What issues do you have with each of them?

11.How do you think your children see you?

12.How do you think those experiences and feelings about yourself affect how you parent?

13.What do you think you need to do to change how you parent?

14.What do you think you need to do to strengthen your relationship with your kids?

FACE YOUR DEMONS HEAD-ON

Do bad thoughts haunt you in the middle of the night? You have to confront your unresolved fears, anxieties, anger, secrets, shame, guilt, and remorse or you will explode. You cannot effectively parent with your whole heart when your personal demons consume you 24/7.

Be of good courage. Call those demons out for what they are. Get the shame out of the dark and into the light. I call it the Dracula Effect. The monster disintegrates when exposed to the sun. A powerful way you can do this is by speaking it. Bring it out into the open. Expose it for what it is. The more you speak it, the less power it will have over you over time.

Whom do you expose your demons to? I believe you can find strength in prayer. Prayer can give you the courage and strength to expose it for what it is. Writing it down in a journal and confiding in a trusted friend, counselor, or clergy are other ways of exposing your demons to light. Let it be your testimony. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Do not let the shame hide inside anymore. When you drive away those demons, you can replace it with love for self and your children.

Try This: Make a Demon’s List

Divide a sheet of paper into two columns.

On the left side, write down a list of all the spiritual demons that haunt you. I’m talking about past hurts that you never got over, bad things you’ve done to yourself and others, destructive habits, etc.

Include the stuff you never could say out loud. There may be things you’re too uncomfortable to put down on paper but they still hold power over you. Write that down.

Look over your list. No list is too long.

Pray over it. Maybe there are some long, overdue apologies you need to make. Maybe it’s time to forgive someone or face an enemy. Maybe truths need to be told. Or perhaps those demons are so old and petty, that it’s time to let them go.

Reflect on what you’ve learned from those experiences.

On the right side, write down your thoughts pertaining to each demon. What positive thing must you do to overcome each one? Seek strength and wisdom from your experiences. There is a lesson in every one if you’re willing to see it.

Some demons are too hard to overcome alone. There is no shame in seeking counselling. Do whatever you need to do to bring it to light. Don’t do anything crazy or illegal. This is a time to heal not hurt.

Over time, as you overcome these demons, scratch them off your list. And when all is brought out to light, like Dracula at sunrise, burn that list up!

REPLACE NEGATIVE THINKING WITH POSITIVE SELF-TALK

I was talking to a young mom who hated her dark complexion. Growing up, kids called her Tar Face. She’d wear makeup two shades lighter than her complexion. She dated light-skinned guys. She became promiscuous, thinking giving up her body was the only way she could feel loved. She realized she was passing these negative vibes to her daughters, who were both dark skinned. She began to work on her self-image. Instead of thinking, I’m black and ugly when she saw herself in the mirror, she replaced it with, My black is beautiful and I’m working it! She started dressing more stylishly, playing up her assets. She decided to become celibate, realizing her sexual path was tied to her lack of self-love.

She began the mirror ritual with her girls. They would look at their reflection and say great things about their hair, features, skin tone, and body. They played dress up and experimented with hairstyles. The remarkable thing is that it helped her kids open up about their feelings.

A breakthrough happened. By opening up to her daughters, it gave them courage to open up as well. They were teased at school but hadn’t shared this with their mom until now. They no longer felt self-conscious about talking about it. Their mother’s actions caused them to look at themselves differently. That’s where healing begins. Shedding light brought the mom closer to her kids. They were then able to walk through their journey toward self-love together.

Try This: 20 Self-Love Affirmations (Choose the ones that speak to your heart. Recite them daily.)

1.Before I love others I will first love myself

2.I am worthy of love and respect

3.Loving begins with me

4.I love and accept myself unconditionally

5.I am proud of who I am and who I’m going to be

6.God made no mistakes when He made me

7.I am a good parent striving to be an even better one

8.I am blessed despite the stress, because I do my best

9.I am unique and magnificently created by God

10.I am the best me I can be

11.I’ll do my best, then let God do the rest

12.God is love and He lives in me

13.I deserve better, so I’ll do better

14.I’m wonderful just the way I am

15.I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me

16.I won’t allow anyone to mistreat me; I’m better than that

17.I won’t allow anyone to mistreat my kids; they deserve better

18.My body is my temple, and I will not pollute it

19.Other people’s negative perceptions of me are not my reality

20.Instead of raising hell, I will raise my kids well

SAY I LOVE YOU OUT LOUD

One of my favorite Stevie Wonder songs is These Three Words. It’s my favorite song because the words are so profound: I love you. It’s a simple message that changes lives. The other reason I love this song is because it touched the heart of my son, Devin, who played the song to his third-grade class and explained the words to his classmates during show-and-tell.

When was the last time your kids heard you say, I love you? Some of us can show it love more than say it. That’s cool too, as long as love is given and received. In the Christian faith, you are to, Love God with all your heart, and Love thy neighbor as thyself, So loving on your kids is the greatest thing you can do, but sometimes it’s a hard thing to show. Loving interaction, both physical and emotional, is what makes that love connection. Because of personal circumstances in your life, you may find it’s hard to even love yourself. There also may be a select few who resent their kids, so it’s hard to show their love. How do you get past that? These next few pages talk about what loving is, what loving does, and the positive response you and your kids will get from it.

But it all begins with three words … I love you.

Try This: I Love You 5 x 5

1.For those of you who are not accustomed to saying I love you or don’t say it often enough, I want you to stand in front of the mirror and mouth, I love you, five times without uttering a sound. Then say it quietly to yourself five times. I know it’s a little awkward, but trust me on this. You’re breaking down barriers of expression, starting with yourself.

2.Now I want you to say, I love you, out loud five times while you look deep into your eyes. If you feel weird or stupid, maybe you should say it to yourself more often.

3.Now say those three words to each of your children when you see them today—not tomorrow, today. Tomorrow’s not promised. Try not to add but … after it; no sarcasm, or indifference. Be sincere. Watch their faces. You might even get a big hug and an I love you right back.

4.Don’t stop there. Practice those three words on your other loved ones. Get use to spreading love to others and to yourself.

5.Practice saying I love you five times daily until it comes naturally. Encourage your children to say it to each other.

TRY TO LOVE YOUR KIDS AND LIKE THEM TOO

We may love someone very deeply but not like them. It shows through our actions. This creates tense and bitter relations down the line. It’s true, sometimes you may not click with your own kin—your own child. You might be complete opposites. Your offspring may see and react to the world differently from you. It’s natural to have conflict. But the most damaging thing you could do is act as if you dislike him/her or don’t care. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.

So what do you do when you don’t connect with your child? Find something that is positive about your child and concentrate on that. There is good in everyone. Train your eyes and heart to see it, and praise him or her for that redeeming value.

If their interests or choices are opposite yours, try in your heart to learn about what they like or respond to. What do they enjoy and why? A mom cannot possibly see why her daughter wants to be an actor. A father can’t understand why his son would rather read a book than play football. A reserved grandparent raises a granddaughter who’s boisterous and strong willed … how do you manage her without breaking her spirit? With patience, consistency, and an open mind.

Are there deep-seated issues within you? Perhaps you feel you weren’t cut out to be a mom or dad. Did you get knocked up? Maybe you were not loved and it’s hard for you to give love. Maybe your child reminds you of someone who hurt you and you’re taking it out on your precious one. There is a point where professional/spiritual help is needed. This is it. Do not damage your child because you are damaged. This is bigger than you. You must seek help. For me, prayer is a great healer. It works best when I give my troubles to God and ask for His help. Then I exercise that short but very poignant scripture, Faith without work is dead. I start working on seeking medical, psychological, and spiritual attention. You have to love and like yourself before you can pass it on to others.

Try This: I Like … Exercise

The most wretched person possesses some likable qualities. Even Hitler was a talented artist and a mesmerizing speaker. Surely you can find three things you like about your offspring. I want you to write them down.

Let your children know you like these things about them. I don’t mean, You’re smart but you’re lazy too. That‘s a put-down. Buts are not allowed. Just say, I like how smart you are. Practice this daily to help build your children’s self-esteem and your respect for them.

LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY

It’s a beautiful thing to know that someone will love you despite your faults. Again, that reinforces emotional security and stability. But oftentimes we place conditions on our children and loved ones. We keep grudges and harbor resentments for deeds that have gone unresolved. Grudges can