My Hopes And Dreams Were Never Broken

By Rebecca De' Vaincre

Walk with Rebecca de’ Vaincre, a courageous woman whose faith in God sustained her! The strength that kept her rising-back-up and carrying on the fight for her children, during this battle many know, ‘so-little-about!’ Accept her invitation, as she says: “Follow me, as I-take-you-into-my-world, of this emotional illness called, ‘Reactive Attachment Disorder.’ See how God restores my life - marriage and my relationships!”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rebecca De' Vaincre
• Release date: Apr 14, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310823039

Rebecca De' Vaincre

Yes, the last two months have been hard! It was the summer of 2011. During this time, I thought I was doing great! Well, compared to what I had to walk through during the six years with the three adoptive children in my home.My counselor Elizabeth said, "The first day I walked through her door - "That I was almost dead!" I thought, "What is she talking about?!" But during that same time, my friend Angela told me what her husband had said to her about me; "Rebecca is going to die!" Angela said, "James, don't say that!" He said, "Yes! We are going to lose Rebecca; she looks like she is dying!" I don't know what they both saw about me at that same time, but I must have been a sight.I am going to share my story with you, and I am going to attempt to, not-hold-back. I am going to express to you, what I went through; how I felt, my fears, my tears, as well as my being traumatized day in and day out!I want you to be able to understand my efforts, my desires and my passion of wanting to help my three children to become productive adults in society! I am going to let you ‘dissect the frog,' so to speak.My counselor and my friend both said at the same time, that I looked bad enough to die! Well let me tell you something, I died a long time ago! There is nothing anyone can do to me, or being arrested, attempts to eliminate me or to defame me; nothing could have a hold on my life like the journey I just traveled with this emotional illness called "Reactive Attachment Disorder" (RAD). We didn't even know what it was until five years into caring for the three children. Being caught off guard, we couldn't see because we were so close to the problem. ~ Rebecca.

Book preview

PRELUDE

It was during the darkest of times while walking through this journey with my three adopted children with this emotional illness called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) when God proved His love to me. This is where He gifted me with hidden treasures, the little nuggets of God’s truth I would not receive elsewhere, except at a time like this. He walked with me through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, the place where I had to learn to trust Him even more. I found He truly was a shield and buckler in my time of need!

Twelve years before walking on this path of Reactive Attachment Disorder, I went through a medical ailment which lasted at least ten years, until I found my answer and was healed. During this time, I had lost the ability to trust in God because of being physically ill, I was focused on my problem.

I remember the days of trusting the Lord with everything. He was my heavenly Father; a God I knew was real because I could feel His Holy Presence. The One Who would answer my prayers. And the True and Living God with whom I had a personal relationship. Our bond was established on trust because He was always there for me.

Then one day after being healed of this medical ailment, I found that my reliance on God was no more. The day God began to restore it was when my husband shared a story with his friend Brandon as I was sitting nearby. He continued to speak about an accident which had happened at work two weeks before. I knew he was concerned for me because he had never shared this last mishap with me.

First you have to realize the type of person my husband is. He is a faithful employee and he would always go to work and take breaks as scheduled. He is an individual who is faithfully systematic in all he does, the type who considers it a wrong to take from the place he worked.

Ten years before this, he had an accident that changed his life. A cutter head came apart at the mill he worked at and it sliced his wrist. Also, because he was working on his break, no one else was hurt. He knew he was in trouble, he grabbed the cut on the main artery of his right arm and walked quickly out of the mill. As he did this, the emergency driver, Randy, out-ran him! The driver loaded him up and then jumped into his jeep and raced to the emergency room. While on their way to the hospital, Tony got real quiet. Randy said, Tony, are you still with me? As soon as they arrived the medical team started giving Tony shots and putting an IV in his arm, and then they asked him, Who do we contact? He said, Don’t call my wife. I don’t want her to worry. Then Randy firmly said, Call his wife!

As my husband continued to talk to Brandon, I saw him carefully looking at me with concern out of the corner of his eye. He was sharing about another recent incident when he took his lunch break twenty minutes earlier. Immediately after he walked away from his work area, an object about the size of a washing machine fell on the place where he had been standing. This was the day God began to restore my trust in Him! When I heard this story, I immediately breathed these words: God is with us!

PREFACE

Yes, the last two months have been hard! It was the summer of 2011. During this time, I thought I was doing great! Well, compared to what I had to walk through during the six years with the three children in my home.

Not long after this, a woman who had heard about my story and what I had gone through invited me to her office, and there she helped me to heal. Later on, after months of counseling sessions, she stated that the first day I had walked through her door she said I was Almost dead!

When I heard her comment, I was shocked and thought, What is she talking about? In the same time span, my friend Angela told me what her husband had said to her: Rebecca is going to die! Angela replied, James, don’t talk like that! He said, Yes! We are going to lose Rebecca. She looks like she is dying! I don’t know what they both saw about me at the same time, but I must have been a sight.

I am going to share my story with you, and I am going to attempt not-to-hold-back. I am going to tell you about what I went through: how I felt, my fears, my tears, as well as my being traumatized day in and day out! I want you to be able to understand my efforts, my desires, and my passion of wanting to help my three children to become productive adults in society! I am going to let you ‘dissect the frog,’ so to speak.

My counselor, and my friend, both said at the same time; I looked bad enough to die! Well, let me tell you; I died a long time ago! Nothing anyone can do to me, arrest me or attempt to eliminate or defame me; nothing could have a hold on my life like the journey I traveled with this emotional illness called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). We did not even know what it was, until five years into caring for the three children. Being caught off guard, we could not see because we were so close to the problem.

In fact, in the midst of raising our children, death was at my door! We kept reaching out to them, and nothing would help! We gave our all and all my love was poured into them. The fifth year I would say to them, I don’t know what you are doing, but my body can’t take this any longer.

Spiritually and physically speaking, I was barely crawling through life. At one point in this walk, I was physically and mentally exhausted and being so emotionally low, I had to chide myself and grab hold of my determination, to bring myself out of this state-of-mind. By then, I wasn’t there for my husband, Tony. I couldn’t even hold a lengthy conversation with him. I was declining in all these areas because of being so worn out and beat down.

Throughout this ordeal, we were both focused on the neediness of all three. Then more and more crept in; the children’s behavioral issues increased, and everything started to spin out of our control. My anxiety level was so high, as soon as I would try to eat, I could not keep anything down.

When I tried eating packages of cheese crackers, I would passionately tell myself, Rebecca, you have to eat something. I would try, one-by-one to cram them down my throat only for them to come right back up. I could not even sleep, because of the fear of dying. Then one day, God gave me a scripture: I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me. Psalms 3: 5

In the midst of my battle, God started to speak to me through a friend of mine about my future, and that I did have one. One day, I laid my head down on my pillow, and God reminded me what she had said and how He was going to use me. This very moment, I raised my head off my pillow and began, again to fight for my life but it would be a long, long battle.

His mercy brought me out of my trauma. He restored me, and my marriage. He continues to give me hope. He told me everything would get better. In my darkest moment, God spoke to me through a song I heard as a teenager. O-O-H Child performed by the Five Stairsteps. He talked about things getting clearer, calmer and that I would bask in the sun again.

The years had passed and on a cloudy, spring morning, I was driving into a parking lot and as I turned the corner, this song came on. The sky opened up, the sun came out and the rays began to penetrate my face. I parked, and then sat there for a few moments relaxed, while listening to the words of this song and remembering Him telling me, that this day would come. This was one of my favorite pastimes long before the trial began, sitting outside enjoying the warm weather. I looked back and was amazed that what was important to me was also significant to Him.

I held on to what God spoke to me, knowing it was His assurance to me. Hold on to your promises from God, these are the Words of Life and they will keep you during the hours of darkness. Do not give up on hope!

As I sit at my desk writing this book, I can now say to others, "Don’t give up. He will bring you through. He said He will never leave you or forsake you. Don’t Give Up! Don’t Give Up! Don’t Give Up!

1

Summer of 2011

It was a beautiful fall morning, and I was getting ready for the day. My mind would often drift with concerns for my youngest adopted daughter, Mandy. I found myself wondering where she was at the moment and if she had had enough of the birth family’s drama. I had heard bits and pieces of the stories through her older sister Shelly regarding their birth mom. I felt so out of control not being able to protect my fourteen-year-old during this time.

Mandy wanted so much to reconnect with them and be a part of their lives, something we have worked hard to keep from happening. We have endured many years of interference during the fostering/adoptive process. What we worked and hoped for was sabotaged by the birth family. We had no say who visited the children, and the birth family was able to abuse us at times.

It wasn’t always like this. It started with a loving relationship with the birth mom and me, but something had changed during the fostering years. Tony and I are still not sure what happened. Then the time came where we stepped up to the plate to adopt because no one else would take the children home as a ‘Relative’ care provider.

After we took Shelly, Jay, and Mandy, and found out they had ‘Reactive Attachment Disorder" AD/RAD, we asked the birth family to allow us to bond with the children. The family did everything to keep this from happening and sabotaged our efforts from there on out.

Before we knew what this emotional illness was, we decided, after the adoption, we would let our three adopted children (Shelly, Jay, and Mandy) spend time with their older sister, Sandy. Tony and I could drop them off. Since Sandy seems to be the most stable person in this family, even though she had issues, albeit, minor ones, we thought it might be possible. Then problems begin to appear, and I still had a gut feeling concerning her. Looking back, it was probably a good thing that we didn’t let them go to Sandy’s.

A year before Mandy came back home, Shelly, Mandy’s older sister, had been through the same rejection with the birth family. She would not meet their demands or maybe she could not conform to their expectations of how she should live her life.

A month earlier Shelly had coached Mandy, saying, Go back home to Rebecca’s. Rebecca is really nice, and she loves you. During this time, I had missed a couple of calls from Mandy, and then I tried to get back to her, I left a message on the birth mother’s phone, but no reply.

I had sent the children’s two oldest birth sisters, Jamie, and Sandy, a book called, Don’t Touch My Heart, written by Lynda Gianforte Mansfield and Christopher H. Waldmann. The birth family did not understand, the three children we adopted through the foster system suffered from an emotional illness called, Reactive Attachment Disorder (‘RAD’). They said they could see a lot of this little boy in Shelly, but they still wouldn’t allow us to help these children to heal.

I felt what we went through as parents put us in the league of Don’t Touch My Heart and another book called More Than Love, written by Sherril M. Stone, Ph.D. Both of these books explain how the children’s disorder unfolds in the home and community, with family members inside and outside of the household. These were two of the books I read in search of answers. I have also sought out many other parents who have walked down the same path as we have. Their stories would make mine sound like a piece of cake. Tony and I firmly believe Attachment Disorder/Reactive Attachment Disorder (AD/RAD) is not a rare disorder.

2

Summer of 2011, Part Two

The phone rang and as I picked it up I read the caller ID. It was Mandy’s high school. Immediately my heart started pounding; I was excited, and I knew it had to be her! I had been hopeful that she would return home soon. Would this most likely come true today?

I answered, Hello, trying not to give away the excitement in my voice but at the same time, my body was crying with emotions of relief and joy for this very phone call! The voice on the other end of the line was of an older woman. She replied, Hello, my name is Mrs. Wayne, and I have Mandy here with me, and she would like to talk to you.

I could not control myself any longer as my heart raced beyond its physical limitations, excited and with tears welling up. With a welcome home attitude, I said, Hi Mandy. How are you?

Mandy said, Can I come home? My heart melted. Those were the words I had waited to hear during this long-drawn-out-summer. There was nothing I could say but, Yes! You can! I then said, ‘Mandy, I need to get ready to pick you up. I will be right there; can you wait a little bit? She replied, Yes."

This was one of the happiest moments of my life, knowing that she wanted to come back home. Not because it would validate me or she would love me more, but that I wouldn’t have to worry about her family. They didn’t understand what a real family was, and this is not what a family would do.

I would not have to pray for her safety any longer. I wouldn’t have to be in tears because I couldn’t get anyone to listen to me. I called DHS/CPS, Children’s Protective Services here in Jackson County crying out for help, asking them to do a welfare check on her. A week later, I called the screener again, and she said they had ‘staffed it’ and they have no concerns.

I understood that Mandy had chosen this path, she made her mess, and I had no way to persuade her to be with us. She was only fourteen years old and I so desperately needed help from DHS/CPS.

I drove to the school, pulled into the parking lot and found my way to Mrs. Wayne’s office. I almost passed Mandy up (they both were standing outside in the hallway, and the door was ajar). I did not recognize her. She had gained quite a bit of weight. As I almost walked past her, I said, Mandy? In our discussion, Mrs. Wayne had said, Mandy has spoken highly of you. I kept smiling and did not bat an eye. I wanted to connect with Mandy because I loved her.

After my conversation with Mrs. Wayne, Mandy left with me. When we got into the vehicle, and as soon she closed the door, her head dropped into her hands and sat there and sobbed, her body moving with each wail. Mandy appeared as a young child with the pressures of the world on her shoulders. It seemed she couldn’t wait any longer to release the flood of emotions and was thankful to be in a safe place to do this. I sat quietly and waited, giving her time.

I didn’t want to take her back to the house yet, so I asked her if she wished to go somewhere to eat lunch. Mandy said Yes. We went to the nearest restaurant.

I wanted to reconnect with her and keep things light. It had been two hard months for both of us. We talked and decided that after lunch, we would go and check her out of the local mission, a safe place for youth, called, Hearts with a Mission. We checked her out and then we needed to go and pick up her belongings at her birth mother’s place.

I knew I would not be able to go in to help Mandy retrieve her things. Still, I couldn’t let her go by herself due to safety issues, so I called the Medford Police Department for assistance. They sent the same officer who was at her birth mother’s house the night before. We waited down the street until they arrived. I got out of the vehicle and was approached by the senior officer who said I should not go in. He then started getting in my face and was out of control, yelling at me and said, You need to do this legally, get guardianship or something!

I lowered my face to the ground so I would not respond in an inappropriate way and said, "I am doing this legally. I have contacted Adoption Assistance in Salem from day one and told them everything that had happened in the home concerning the three children and I said to the officer they knew where they were.

The night before Mandy requested to come back to our house but, every time my name was mentioned the birth mother would start screaming and escalating out of control. So, instead of bringing her to our house, the authorities decided to take Mandy to the mission.

After Mandy retrieved her belongings from her birth mother’s place, we went back to the house. As I sat down in the living room, Mandy said, Do you want to know what had happened during my stay with the family?

I responded, Yes. We spent the next hour or so talking. When she finished, I asked her, Would you mind writing down the things you have shared with me? She agreed.

During our talk, Mandy told me, the night before her birth mom had attempted suicide. This was the second incident, in approximately thirty days. This time, she had a handful of pills in her hand and asked Mandy, Have you ever seen anyone try to kill themselves in front of you before? She put the pills in her mouth. Mandy grabbed her mother’s cell phone and started dialing 911 as she ran to the building across the street for help, to the business our friends of many years owned.

The first suicide attempt was when Mandy first returned to her birth mom’s place. She had to call for help when she found her birth mother on the floor. Mandy stated, when her birth mom was released from the hospital, she was expected to care for her. Sandy, Mandy’s older birth sister said, she needed to go shopping for food and Mandy would have to take care of her. Mandy told both older sisters, Jamie, and Sandy, she did not think she could manage it being fourteen, and the doctor said the birth mother needed around-the-clock care.

After sharing with me about the two suicide attempts Mandy said, My mother had a dream about you. Do you want to hear it?

I hesitated, but then agreed. I wanted to listen to her and let her know I was there for her to confide in. On the other hand, I was somewhat concerned about the way she asked me, the seriousness in her voice, filtered with restraint.

She continued, She had a dream about you, and she told it to Jay (her older brother) and me. Then her birth mother said, I had a dream about Rebecca. I dreamed I went to her house and knocked on her door. When she answered it, I had an ax in my hand, and I chopped her head off. I saw everything; the inside of her head and neck and the blood splattered all over her door and walls. End of dream.

After the birth mother had told my two children the dream Mandy said, her birth mother picked up the phone and called a friend who was a meth addict. Using these exact words, she talked to her about Taking me out.

I had been told the birth mother rehearsed the dream over and over saying it to Mandy and Jay. Months previously, she also shared it with our oldest adopted daughter, Shelly. One day Shelly said something to me about her mother and the dream.

The day the birth mother shared it with Jay, and Mandy; Jay, hearing the conversation concerning taking me out, said, No Mom! Don’t do that, she has surveillance cameras all over! When I had heard what Jay said, I was hoping he still cared about me on some level, not for myself but in hopes he was still somewhat emotionally healthy.

Mandy talked to me about the first time she ran away, which was July 5th of this year. Mandy was mad at Grace the children’s Respite Care Provider. (An RCP is a someone who takes care of a child/children to relieve a caregiver and allow a person to be able to rest for a period.) Grace took Mandy’s cell phone. Mandy ran to her birth mother. When the birth mother saw Mandy, she called Sandy. Sandy then picked up Mandy and her mother. They drove straight to DHS/CPS. On the way there they made up a list of ‘false allegations’ against Tony and me. After talking with the DHS/ intake worker, the worker allowed Mandy to stay with her sister Sandy.

This particular cell phone Grace took from Mandy was slipped to her while she was in a private placement without Tony and my permission, or the caregivers where she lived. The phone number was one number off from the birth mother’s number and registered in the mother’s name.

The birth mother’s best friend, Penny, moved from Medford, Oregon to the neighborhood where Mandy lived. It so happens that Penny ends up living with her father who lived right behind the caregiver’s home. She also had other relatives in the same town. We do not know the timing of each event or if this was a planned move for the purpose of planting the phone in Mandy’s hand and keeping an eye on her while she was in placement. Penny joined the same church as Mandy attended.

After Mandy had received the cell phone, there was a change in her behavior. The sabotage began after the birth family found out where the children were placed. Jamie (Mandy’s oldest sister) called me one day and said their mother had throat cancer, and they didn’t know how long she would be living.

My heart went out to them because my three children had already lost their birth father to a drug overdose while living in our home during the fostering years. Because of this, we decided to let the children see their birth mother. One caregiver didn’t want to allow contact because of her past track record of lies and manipulation. Still we felt they should see her, just in case.

Mandy’s caregiver and I have had conversations about why there was a sudden change in Mandy’s behavior. Sometime later we found out about the cell phone. The emotional pull of the birth family had damaged Mandy’s placement and the unhealthy contact with the birth mom’s friend.

Before Mandy received the cell phone I was looking at her pictures on Facebook, I wrote her saying, Mandy, you look so happy. She replied, Yes I am. Mandy told me she loved the family she was living with, and her church, and was doing great in school and she said thank you to both Tony and