Single Mom Style: You’ll Laugh, You’ll Cry… You’ll Pour Yourself a Glass of Wine

By Eva Dowdell

Single Mom Style, the blog, began as a way to reach out to others who were looking to understand the wreckage of divorce. It evolved into a collection of witty stories, heartbreaking tears, and lessons learned.

The author takes you on her personal journey of being a single mom and shows you the light at the end of the tunnel. From playdates and parenting to divorce and dating, this single mom’s journey will inspire you along yours.

"It wasn't until my daughter was born when I woke up. I reevaluated my life as an example to my daughter. Is the kind of life I'm living now the kind of life I wanted for my daughter? The answer was no. And if I thought she deserves better, so did I. She was my game-changer, and I changed the game… You know how people say 'things have to get worse before they get better,’ well they were absolutely right… I hit rock bottom. I was everything I never wanted to be... The good thing about hitting rock bottom was there was only one way to go… up."

• Language: English
• Publisher: BlogIntoBook.com
• Release date: Dec 3, 2015
• ISBN: 9781619849419

Book preview

Dating

Chapter 1: The Climb

My Story

I was married young and fresh out of college. I thought I was doing what everyone was supposed to do: go to college, get married, and have kids. However, I was only 24 and didn’t feel like I had the picture perfect life I imagined. Even though my marriage wasn’t solid, I still wanted a child. I’ve always wanted children, and again, I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. My then husband wasn’t exactly thrilled about the idea, but he knew it was always part of my plan. I was 27 when my daughter, Hana, was born. And she changed everything.

She gave me an entirely new set of responsibilities that was way harder than I imagined. I was doing it all. My days went a little something like this: Woke up and got ready for work, dropped off Hana at the sitter, worked a full day, picked up Hana, went home to make dinner, feed Hana while trying to feed myself and listening to my husband’s day; gave Hana a bath; put Hana to bed; put the food away and cleaned the kitchen; maybe put my feet up for a little; tried unsuccessfully to get some romance; went to bed; and woke up to do it all over again. Where was my husband through all this, you ask? Well... I don’t want to go through the details of our marriage to protect his privacy. I want this to be about the journey after my divorce, not what lead me to it.

However, I will say this... During my marriage, I slowly lost myself. I kept changing and adapting to my situation and not in a good way. I realize people change, but I didn’t have a glimmer of who I was as a person. I used to sparkle. I was happy, confident, social, and always cracked jokes. I worked hard and was driven towards professional goals. I loved dressing up and cared about what I looked like. I made going church and spending time with family and friends a priority. She sounds awesome, doesn’t she!?!? Well slowly, but surely, this person faded away.

It wasn’t until my daughter was born when I woke up. I reevaluated my life as an example to my daughter. Is the kind of life I’m living now the kind of life I wanted for my daughter? The answer was no. And if I thought she deserved better, so did I. She was my game-changer, and I changed the game. The process of getting out of my situation and getting myself back, I often call the transition. You know how some people say things have to get worse before they get better, well they were absolutely right. The beginning of my transition was the hardest. I hit rock bottom. I was everything I never wanted to be. I felt as if I was an even worse example for Hana, and I felt horrible. However, I never doubted my decision to get a divorce. And the good thing about hitting rock bottom was there was only one way to go... up.

Move Forward

In order to get myself out of rock bottom status, I needed a plan. I made a list (a long one) of everything that I needed to do to be the person I wanted to become. I listed personal goals, financial goals, professional goals, and mom goals. My list included reconnecting with friends, reading at least one book a month, getting a new job, eating healthier, doing more with Hana, dressing better, exercising regularly... well it was a long list, but you get the idea. Within this list, I had to prioritize and focus.

Now, you all have to know how hard this would be in the beginning of transition. Divorce is never easy, no matter whose decision it was. I had zero confidence. I felt lonely, sad, unloved, unrespected, undesired, unmotivated, and just lost. Today, I always offer people going through transition a lending ear or words of motivation because I know how hard it is, and I often wished I had someone who understood when I was going through it. It mentally, emotionally, and physically... hurts. All I wanted to do was hit the bars and drink my problems away. But it wasn’t just me I was making decisions for; it was for both of us. I had to move forward, if not for myself, for Hana. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel because I had to. I kept thinking, This too shall pass (I got this helpful line from a movie; I think My Best Friend’s Wedding lol, but I have no idea where it originated).

I pictured the two of us settled and happy so I needed to start getting us there. I had 3 major goals to start with: Find a place for us to live, get a new job, and find a school for Hana. And of course I had to do these things simultaneously because time was running short with the school year around the corner.

As far as that original long list goes, some people say you should put it up somewhere you can see it every day so you can stay focused and know what you need to do. That’s cool if it works for you, but that’s just not how I roll. I am a grown woman; I know what I need to do. I didn’t need a constant visual of a list to remind me to stay focused. Hana was my reminder. One look at her and I knew what needed to be done so I just kept going. The action of writing the list was to get me thinking in order to formulate a plan. Looking at a long to-do type list all the time probably would have just given me anxiety. I actually found this list a few months ago when I was cleaning. I went over this list again, took a pen, and started crossing out all the things that I have accomplished. It was the majority of the list! I was shocked! It made me feel great, but I added a few things to the list and put it back where I found it. Again, I know what I need to do. The best way to get beyond your past is to move forward so move!

The Exterior

I mentioned before that during the beginning of my transition, I was everything I never wanted to be. But now the question is: who do I want to be? As rock bottom as I felt, I saw this transition as an opportunity, not only to get myself back, but to make myself new and improved — like an Eva 2.0. I wanted to be an even better person than I was before my rock bottom status. Obtaining many of these attributes were listed on my goals list. In the redesign of the Eva 2.0, I started with the exterior since it’s been said that when you look good, you feel good.

I haven’t had a personal style in quite some time, but the style I had back in the day definitely wouldn’t be practical for my life as a single mom. Tight dresses, mid-drift showing shirts, and blistering shoes were fun for college but just didn’t fit my current lifestyle. I wanted comfort and style to go together. Now, I wasn’t completely clueless — I’ve never had a pair of those high-waisted mom jeans. However, I did need help, and I was lucky enough to have, not one, but two extreme fashionistas that happened to be my very close friends of mine: Emily Sanchez of Stylization in Chicago and Dee Doyle of Camden Boutique in Elmhurst.

I started watching fashion-based TV shows and started paying attention to what people were wearing on the street. I learned somewhere along the way that even though you are working with a tight wardrobe budget, you should still have a few good quality key pieces so I turned to Dee and Liz Eldredge at Camden. Camden Boutique is amazing for quality pieces! Dee knows I’m on a budget so she won’t let me buy anything I’d only wear once. I go through the same procedure every single time I go in that store. Dee would make me try on a huge pile of clothes when I would only be looking for one dress. Then when we would narrow down our choices, Dee and Liz would ask where else could you wear this? But before I could utter a word, they both would give me at least 5 different scenarios and how to wear it to make it look different — I was in awe. I was learning so much with the purchase of this one stylish, classy, quality, and versatile navy blue dress. They gave the term little black dress a whole different meaning for me. Dress it up by adding this; dress it down by wearing it with that; give it a different look by doing this; you could wear it here if you do that. The possibilities seemed endless! I wore the heck out of that dress and still do. Thanks Dee and Liz!

Just so you know, my wardrobe used to be pretty extensive. However, as luck would have it, there was a basement flood where I was storing the majority of my belongings before I moved into my apartment. Therefore, I salvaged anything I possibly could, but it still didn’t leave me with much more than my work clothes. I slowly started building it back up by shopping after season and rummaging through clearance racks. I felt like my closet had no direction, or maybe it was me with no direction.

I happened to see on social media that Stylization was having a contest to win a free closet stylization, and guess who the big winner was... me! My friend Emily, along with Monica Smutek, came over and the work began. They went through every piece in my closet and asked me where and how I wear each one. Work clothes such as a pink oxford shirt didn’t get much discussion. However, everything else did! Every other item would get different suggestions on where to wear it and how to accessorize. We came across a dress that I hadn’t worn in at least a decade, and I told them I had planned on donating it. Why haven’t you worn it?

I... don’t... know... I guess because it’s so old was my confused response. Then they each gave me their individual interpretation of how they would wear it. I’d never even think of wearing it any other way than how I wore it ages ago. I wore that old dress the next chance I got and felt empowered somehow — maybe it was because it was like I got a new dress for free. Anyhow, the experience was great, and I learned a lot. They organized my clothes, took pictures, and made suggestions of staples I should have in my closet. I also got an opportunity to ask questions about accessorizing and what to wear on date nights. And if you think that sounds good, the follow-up email was even better. They sent me pictures of ideas they talked about; they sent me links on how to dress my body type; and they sent me links of where I can find affordable wardrobe staples (such as nude pumps). This way, I always have something to refer back to in case I needed a refresher! Thanks Emily and Monica!

I realize that changing clothes doesn’t change a person, but it was a starting point for me. Investing more energy into what I looked like was giving me more confidence, and I needed as much as I could possibly get my hands on. I started putting on a little make-up and using perfume every day. Now just so you all know, all this change was definitely a challenge for me because I’m pretty low-maintenance, but it had to be done. I wanted to be one of those women that had an effortless personal style, and thanks to my amazing friends, I was on my way.

The Interior: getting out of rock bottom

I can’t believe how much time had passed since I was divorced, but I do feel like I’ve come a long way. Working on remodeling my interior during my transition was outrageously more difficult than the exterior. Let me remind you that the original version of me felt confident, smart, funny, sexy, and accomplished. There was not a glimmer of version 1.0 left, but I didn’t know where to start so I referred to my goals list. I figured that if I focused on all the things I wanted for the 2.0 model, all the positive feelings of confidence, accomplishment, and all that good stuff would just pour right in. I realized that if there was something about my life that I didn’t like, I needed to change it. If it was something I couldn’t change, I needed to embrace it. I obviously started with the things I could change so here are the major ones in no particular order:

Find us an apartment

Get a new job

Exercise at