Single is the New Black: Don't Wear White 'til it's Right

By Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell

Single is the New Black: Don't Wear White 'Til It's Right presents a new angle sorely needed in the Relationship genre--one that counteracts the messages single women typically field, such as "You're too picky!", "You're too needy!", or "You too intimidating, which is why you aren't married." Single is the New Black encourages women to stay true to themselves, as opposed to changing in efforts to attract a potential partner. It asserts that singles are smart, sexy, savvy "catches" who will eventually get "caught" so there's no need to settle for anything less than a stellar relationship. It reminds readers that flying solo provides lessons that will pay big dividends when they finally meet The One. Single is the new black-- so no matter what, don't wear white 'til it's right!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell
• Release date: Jul 27, 2015
• ISBN: 9781511950404

Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell

Born in Cincinnati, Ohio, Karin Anderson Abrell holds a master's degree in clinical psychology and a doctorate in developmental psychology. She spent the early portion of her career as a psychotherapist for children in Chicago's child welfare system and then stepped into academia for ten years. As a professor, she delivered a number of well-received presentations at national and international psychology conferences, covering issues such as identity development and family dynamics.Dr. Karin first became interested in writing about dating and relationships when examining the complex emotions involved in her own engagement to be married. As she questioned her motivations for marriage, she pondered women’s roles and options in the post-feminism era. How much had really changed? After months of internal conflict, she called off her wedding two months before it was to occur.Back “out there” in the dating scene, she became keenly aware of the messages directed toward single women—messages that appeared disparaging and illogical, yet hailed from reliable sources such as the local bookstore’s self-help section. Drawing on the data of other academic researchers and first-hand accounts of the many women she interviewed personally, Dr. Karin wrote Single Is the New Black in an effort to provide a logical counter-message of encouragement.Practicing what she preaches, Karin waited for the right guy and didn’t meet him until age 40. Two years later they were married and it finally “happened” for her.A compelling presenter, Dr. Karin speaks to groups on single adulthood, identity issues, and family systems theory. For more information, visit DrKarin.me.

Book preview

Single is the

New Black

don't wear white 'til it's right

Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell

~~~

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2015 Karin Anderson Abrell

Published by Clifton Hills Press, Valparaiso, Indiana

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, please contact us at:

Clifton Hills Press

386 Deer Ridge Road

Valparaiso, Indiana 46385

Cover and interior art by Klocke Design

Author photo by Lauren Petersen

Published in the United States of America

Print Edition ISBN-13: 978-0915725-15-1

Print Edition ISBN-10: 0-915725150

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Praise for

Single is the New Black:

"Ditch the rules! Seriously. Enough of books trying to convince you that if you do this, say that, or act a certain way you’ll hook the guy. How about just being yourself? Being single is not a curse or a crime or something that needs to be ‘fixed’, and Single is the New Black does a great job of reminding women that they are worthy of true love... whether solo or coupled."

— Kimberly Dawn Neumann, author of The Real Reasons Men Commit: Why He Will – Or Won’t – Love, Honor and Marry You

"Single is the New Black blasts all ideas as to why you're still single. Instead of telling you exactly how to date (or how not to date), it encourages you to be yourself and keep on keeping on because if you're still single, it just hasn't happened for you. (At least not yet. But it totally will). Its words of encouragement are like talking amongst your friends. And it's all of the things we really need to hear when we're trying to navigate the single and dating world."

— Jess Downey, lifestyle blogger for chaoticandcollected.com

Praise for the first edition of

Single is the New Black

(formerly titled It Just Hasn't Happened Yet)

"At last! A book that acknowledges that, while marriage can be a lovely thing, it need not be the holy grail for single women. Reading It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet is like spending time with a wise, funny, loving girlfriend who genuinely has your best interest at heart."

— Cary Barbor, writer for Match.com and former health editor, More Magazine

Funny, breezy, and oh-so-practical—a sorely-needed sanity check in a relationship-crazed world.

— Leslie Talbot, author of Singular Existence: Because It’s Better to Be Alone Than to Wish You Were!

It’s a clearly thought out book, with a lot of great advice on how we may not have found the one yet, but that’s not a reason to settle for whoever comes along next... Karin’s insight into the world of why people ask us these at times rude and embarrassing questions is truly worth a read. She’s light-hearted and funny, yet full of worthwhile information.

— Amanda Perkins, Urban Bachelorette at www.urbanbachelorette.com

What sets apart Karin Anderson’s new book... is a glorious lack of blame, accompanied by a daring refusal to fix anyone’s problems... Anderson... strenuously resists the idea that single women are by definition doing ‘something wrong,’ and in fact advocates a healthy acceptance of whatever relationship status a woman happens to find herself in.

— Paula Carino at www.breakupgirl.net

"It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet is a Must Read. Written as a conversation between girlfriends, mothers and daughters, young (and not so young) women and a guy friend or some experts, the book demolishes all the advice in most self-help books for singles, while illustrating all the negative social pressures on single women. Dr. Anderson’s perspective challenges single women, and all those around them, to change their viewpoint. It’s fun and informative."

— Dr. E. Kay Trimberger, sociologist and author, The New Single Woman

For Dan

You were more than worth the wait.

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Part 1 Ridiculous Comments You Hear and How to Deal With Them

Chapter 1 It’s Not Your Fault!

Chapter 2 Your Mother Is Wrong!

Chapter 3 You’re Not Too Picky!

Chapter 4 It’s Not Because You Need to Get Back Out There!

Chapter 5 It’s Not Because You Need to Tone It Down a Notch!

Chapter 6 It’s Not Because You’re Not Trying Hard Enough!

Part 2 A Few Things You May Be Doing to Complicate Matters

Chapter 7 Don’t Compare Yourself to Your Married Friends!

Chapter 8 It's Okay to Take a Break from Online Dating!

Chapter 9 Don’t Get Back Together with Your Ex-Boyfriend!

Chapter 10 Stop Thinking About It So Much!

Chapter 11 Quit Worrying About Being Alone Forever!

Chapter 12 Don't Push Yourself Too Hard, but Don't Go On Hiatus, Either!

Part 3 Words of Wisdom

Chapter 13 Take It From Those Who’ve Been There!

Chapter 14 Get on with Your Fabulous Life!

Epilogue

Afterword

Acknowledgments

Works Cited

About the Author

Preface

A few years ago I was 40 years old and single without a man in sight.

Everyone had an opinion as to why I wasn't married. I was too picky, too intimidating, too focused on my career, too neurotic, too analytical, and too sensitive. There had to be something wrong with me, right? Otherwise, I'd be married like everyone else my age.

But despite the accusations, I felt pretty darn normal.

Still, I wanted to be proactive so I headed to the self-help section for advice and encouragement.

Wrong move.

Titles in the dating/relationship genre provided more shame than support and more disparagement than empowerment. They firmly reinforced the something's wrong with you message, insisting I needed to resolve all my relationship issues and unearth any man-repelling pathologies if I ever hoped to find love.

I didn't buy it—the message (or the books.)

Where was the voice of reason? Couldn't anyone else see the obvious—that we can't control every aspect of our lives and in many cases people are single simply because they have yet to meet the right person? Why couldn't relationship experts just acknowledge this reality? And where was the book applauding singles for refusing to settle and having the strength to go it alone?

Well, I couldn't find that book. So I wrote it.

And then, all of a sudden, it happened for me—I met the love of my life. I never could have envisioned finding a man so perfect for me. I put it this way in a song I wrote for him, You're more than I had ever dared to dream.

And here's the kicker, I didn't have to change a thing about myself. He fell in love with me exactly the way I am.

Sappy, right? So why am I telling you all this?

Reason #1:

It’s absolutely, positively worth waiting for the right one!

Reason #2:

People pick up a self-help book looking for solutions. Therefore my thesis—that you're fine as is—is, admittedly, rather unconventional for the dating/relationship genre.

But now that I've met my husband I'm able to say with certainty that I was right all along. I stayed true to myself and didn't change. I thrived as a single adult, loved my life and worked on becoming the best Karin possible, and eventually, at the age of 40, I met a man who's the perfect one for me.

Disclaimers

In preparing for this book I've received two questions I'd like to address here.

Q: "Dr. Karin, you're a psychologist for Pete's sake. Why would you encourage dysfunctional single women to stay screwed up? They'll never snag a man if they're full on cray cray! Why don't you give them some good advice so they can at least try to be normal?"

A: The theme of this book in no way suggests that single women are perfect with no need to work on themselves. Of course they have issues! They're human! Single women should strive to become the very best possible versions of themselves. But so should married couples, divorcées, and those who never wish to marry.

The point is, your friends didn't have to become perfect before Mr. Right showed up. They found a man (who was also flawed, by the way) who liked their unique blend of great and crazy.

Besides, even if you did somehow miraculously become perfect, that's still no guarantee Mr. Wonderful would immediately walk through the door. But that's what other books essentially promise—stop being such a nut job and your knight will ride up on his white horse tomorrow. It's a load of bunk and we all know it, but it sells books. So, I'm providing an alternate vantage point.

Q: You seem to think all single people are dying to get married. Newsflash—some of us prefer living solo. Marriage isn't for everyone, you know. Plus, your position contributes to the prevailing pejorative stereotypes depicting single people as miserable, lonely, and desperate. Why would you want to perpetuate such stigma?

A: To those single folks who love living la vida solo and have no interest in ever finding a spouse: I applaud you. I admire you. I champion your choice. And since you're perfectly happy, feel free to give this book to a friend because it's not for you. I wrote it for singles in pursuit of a partner—for women who tire of hearing what's wrong with them and are weary of the accusations. It's for those who want to get married and sometimes worry it will never happen.

Author’s Note

Though all the scenes in this book actually occurred, the names, ages, and other identifying information regarding the individuals involved have been changed.

Introduction

Single is the new black. No, really—it is. Currently, the majority of American adults (50.2%) are unmarried.¹ So, statistically speaking, single is the new normal. But it sure doesn't feel that way. Despite changing demographics, singles remain stigmatized and marginalized.

Social psychologist, Dr. Bella DePaulo, coined the term singlism to describe this discrimination. If you are single, you lose by definition. No matter what you can point to on your own behalf—spectacular accomplishments, a lifelong and caring convoy of relatives and friends, extraordinary altruism—none of it redeems you if you have no soulmate. Others will forever be scratching their heads and wondering what's wrong with you and comparing notes (he's always been a bit strange; she's so neurotic; I think he's gay).²

So finally, here's a book to help you deal with such nonsense!

In Part 1, we'll dismantle the ridiculousness you put up with—from accusations that it's your fault you're single to clichés contending you'd immediately meet The One if you'd just get back out there.

In Part II, we'll examine ways we sometimes make things harder on ourselves, such as a tendency to get stuck in on-again/off-again relationships, and the reckless choices made from the fear of being alone.

Part III provides a few words of wisdom from those who've been there—from women who braved years in the dating scene and experienced the sting of singlism, but stayed true to themselves.

Key

Every chapter consists of the same format, so here's a key to help you follow along:

Psych 101

In this section, I analyze the chapter’s theme so we can observe it more clearly and better understand our feelings and responses. I call it Psych 101, but it's not a boring college lecture—promise!

It just hasn’t happened yet

After objectively examining the situation, I get back to the parts that are nevertheless annoying and help figure out ways to deal with them.

Ditto

Here's where someone else speaks to the issue at hand. She may be a writer, researcher, or a fellow single woman putting up with the same stuff. It sure helps to know you're not alone.

Girl Talk

In this section, I receive a letter related to the chapter's topic. Sometimes the writer agrees with me, sometimes she doesn't, but we hash it out, woman-to-woman.

The Awful Truth

The scripts presented in this segment depict (unfortunately) a slice of life. Each one describes an actual scenario encountered by a single woman. And, as the title suggests, it ain't pretty.

Guy Talk

Well, I figured we should get the male perspective, right? This book talks a lot about guys, so it seemed prudent to let one have the floor from time to time.

Selfie

A brief snapshot of my personal life as it relates to the chapter's topic.

Shout Out!

My final words of encouragement to you.

Part 1

Ridiculous Comments You Hear and How to Deal With Them

chapter 1

It’s Not Your Fault!

so stop beating yourself up!

I'm totally fed up hearing comments implying there's something wrong with me just because I don't have a man—statements like that are hurtful! It’s really sad that people see being single as meaning there’s something wrong with you, and I’m so over all the lame advice about how to meet someone!

— Allison, 26

It’s not your fault you’re still single. Yes, you read that correctly. Read it again if you need to. Let it sink in. You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t need to change anything about yourself in order to find The One. Seriously. I know some of you don’t believe me and it may take the entire book for you to internalize this, but it’s not your fault you haven’t met him. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Not that I’m surprised by your resistance. I know what I’m up against. You probably aren’t hearing this sort of perspective anywhere else. In fact, if you’ve been single for any length of time, you’ve likely endured plenty of allegations bearing the exact opposite sentiment. Friends ask about your relationships in a sleuth-like manner, searching for clues as to where you’re screwing up: So, what exactly happened with Kevin? I thought this one was finally working out... Sometimes their teasing subtly veils accusations: Honey, what’s going on? You always chase the good ones away! or Have you ever thought about getting a little therapy to figure this stuff out? Then again, the occasional aunt, brother, or coworker blatantly accuses, You’re way too _______________! No wonder you’re still single!

Even if