Think your way to happiness: Change your thinking, change your life

By Pieter van Jaarsveld

In Think your way to happiness, this international author and motivational speaker shows you how to turn your life around and embrace happiness.
This inspirational book:
* Uncovers the underlying myths about happiness
* Explains why and how happiness is meant for everyone
* Takes you on a journey to rewire your brain
* Explains the most recent research and techniques to achieve a happy life

Every one of us can flourish – this book shows that a life of happiness is within everyone’s reach.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lux Verbi
• Release date: Nov 2, 2015
• ISBN: 9780796319609

Pieter van Jaarsveld

Dr Pieter van Jaarsveld works both locally and internationally as a consultant on leadership development in the business sector. He has a masters degree in Psychology, as well as a masters degree in Theology. He also did his doctoral thesis on people’s self-perception and -worth. He is a well-known guest on radio and TV.

Book preview

Introduction

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

– Albert Schweitzer

You are asleep. In your dreams, you hear a voice; you are sure it is God speaking to you. He tells you that you can choose whatever you want, and that you will receive it.

What would you choose? I really don’t know what I would. Certainly not wisdom – I would never even have thought of that. If I’d had the chance to think about it first, I would, perhaps, have made a better decision.

According to research from all over the world, most people would have chosen happiness. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Some people say that it is their dream to live a healthy life; others dream about career success. Some dream about happy relationships, and others about wealth. We think these will make us happier. Doesn’t it all come down to happiness?

New books about happiness are published at a breathtaking speed. Could this just be a fad? It may seem like that: women’s magazines, newspapers, television programmes, blogs – they are all crazy about this topic. Yet there’s no getting away from the fact that worldwide, people yearn for happiness. Plato studied it in his academy; his star student, Aristotle, did the same. A century before these two, Confucius walked from village to village in China, proclaiming how important it is to find happiness.

People search for happiness, but are becoming unhappier in reality. We don’t know exactly what the situation in South Africa is, but in the USA the levels of depression today are ten times higher than in 1960. In Britain in 2005, only 36 per cent of students regarded themselves as happy.¹ The people in these two countries are much richer today than they were 50 years ago. Why are they not happier?

Think your way to happiness?

Perhaps people today are no longer as happy, but is it possible to make yourself happier through your thoughts? This may not be as far-fetched as it sounds. The following examples show how important our thoughts are. In 1957, a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) published the story of a man, referred to as Mr Wright, who had advanced lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph glands.² The man had huge tumours, some as big as oranges, in his neck, groin and armpits. His cancer was unresponsive to conventional treatment. The physician had given up hope, but not Mr Wright! He heard that the hospital in which he was being treated was one of the hospitals participating in the trial of Krebiozen, an experimental drug. He could not participate in the trial, however: his life expectancy was under three months. He obliged his doctor to give him an injection nonetheless. He received his first injection on a Friday. On the following Monday, he was walking around telling jokes and chatting to people. Three days later, his tumours had halved in size. Ten days later, he was discharged. He’d been cured.

Two months later, newspapers reported that trials had proved that Krebiozen was a dud. Mr Wright relapsed immediately. His physician realised that Mr Wright had believed that he would be healed – that it was his thoughts that had cured him. That he could just as well use Mr Wright’s thoughts to heal him again. He told Wright that he had received a bad batch of Krebiozen, and that the drug was a miracle remedy indeed – that soon a new, super-refined, double-strength version of the drug would be available. Some days later, Mr Wright received an injection of the ‘new’ Krebiozen, which, in fact, was distilled water. Again, all the tumours vanished. For two months, he had no symptoms. At that time, the American Medical Association made a public statement that Krebiozen was a hoax: nothing but mineral oil containing a simple amino acid. When Wright heard about this, he relapsed for the last time. He returned to hospital and died two days later. He had become a man without cancer – not once, but twice, when he’d believed in the new miracle drug. His body responded to his new mindset. When he heard that the drug was worthless, he became a man with cancer again.³ This is proof of the power of our thoughts.

In 1996, an orthopaedic surgeon published the results of a trial study performed on ten volunteers in military service, all suffering from osteoarthritis of the knee.⁴ Some used walking sticks, others limped or needed assistance to walk. Five of the volunteers underwent medical procedures, and the other five did not – but they were told that a new medical procedure had been performed on them.

There was no difference in the success of the recovery between those who had the medical procedure and those who did not. Six months later the ten volunteers still regarded the operation as a success. Six years later, two of the volunteers who had not had the procedure felt they were still very mobile, moving even better than they did after the procedure they hadn’t had! Fascinated with these results, the surgeon repeated the study with 180 patients. No procedure was performed on half of the group. Once again, there was no difference in the results of the group who had received the procedure and those who only thought they had. The results were still the same two years later! The patients had recovered because they had believed in the doctor. Their thoughts influenced their minds, which eventually influenced them physiologically.

Can the power of our thoughts make us ill? In 2001, a study was published in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, proving that 40 per cent of cancer patients who believed they would become nauseous and vomit as a result of chemotherapy did so, because the doctor prognosticated it. Some even vomited on the way to their chemotherapy treatments; the 13 per cent of respondents who were not sure whether they would become nauseous vomited as well. The patients who thought nothing would happen to them, did not vomit at all!⁵ Could the 40 per cent who vomited have made themselves feel better just by thinking that they would not vomit? It appears so!

Almost 70 per cent of our thoughts are negative. It is valid, then, to ask which percentage of our diseases and illnesses is due to negative thoughts.⁶

You can change your well-being by changing your thoughts. As shown in these three examples, thoughts can change your physiology!

The wonderful news is that there is scientific proof that people can change their thoughts and be happier. This is not just a fad. When you are happy, not only do you benefit, but also your family, your work environment, your community and your nation. Science proves that when you are happier, not only do you feel better, but your energy levels, immune system and creativity improve. Happiness improves your relationships, your productivity and – last but not least – makes you live longer. Happiness even has an influence on your descendants!⁷

Something we need to keep in mind is that perfectionism often holds us back from happiness. Some may think of themselves as unhappy but, if you listen to the story of their lives in detail, you realise that they are just not happy in every moment. Some people feel that if you are happy, you should emanate happiness all the time. You should never be sad, angry or depressed, but should always have positive emotions. This is far from the truth. The only people who never experience these negative emotions are psychopaths and the dead! Happiness does not mean that you are perfect.

Happiness is a journey; we work on it every day. This book contains scientifically researched techniques and skills that will help you to change your thoughts and live a life of happiness. However, keep in mind that if you want to be a good athlete, you need to train hard. The same is true if you want to be successful in everyday life: it demands commitment and hard work. As you would build a house, you need to build every day, brick by brick. This book will help you to find happiness in your life and to flourish with the joy of living.

About this book

Pronoun: In most cases preference was given to the male form, purely to save space and make reading more comfortable.

Research: Many readers of my book The heart of a winner mentioned that they would love to read more information about the research of certain aspects. In this book I have provided more information about research, especially the more interesting cases. If this research does not interest you, skip to the results and findings. If you’d like more detail, please see references section. Most of the sources here are easy to locate on www.google.co.za.

Repetition: I know that many readers do not read through a whole book (I don’t either!). I have thus repeated some important concepts, research techniques or skills for the reader who prefers to read certain chapters only. This will hopefully present a fuller picture.

Invitation: I have received so many e-mails from readers of my previous books – an unbelievable experience for which I was very grateful. Should you wish to share something with me, find out more about something, or invite me to do a presentation for your group, please contact me at [e-mail] or [e-mail].

Acknowledgements: Thank you very much, Irene, Janke, Pieter-Paul, Yolandi and Adri Labuschagne for your advice after reading the manuscript. A special thank you to ex-student Sarie Alberts for translating this book into English. I appreciate it enormously! A big thank you to Susan Jordaan, the commissioning editor, for all her hard work and the trouble she took to make this publication and the Afrikaans version see the light. She was a real star and I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

Enjoy this book. I hope it launches you on your journey to happiness!

Pieter van Jaarsveld

Chapter 1

Happiness allows you to flourish

Happiness is the meaning and goal of life, the complete aspiration and aim of human existence.

– Aristotle

What are your greatest desires?

People want things like health, good relationships and success. Do these not all amount to being happy? Perhaps Aristotle was right: it is not without a reason that thousands of books about happiness have been published and that many researchers believe it is most people’s number-one desire. There is proof that athletes perform better if they are happy. You are no exception.

Ed Diener, one of the leading researchers in the field of happiness, found that happiness was the biggest desire of the more than 9 000 people who were investigated in a study that covered 47 countries. People were asked to rate the importance of ‘happiness’ and ‘going to heaven’ on a 10-point scale where 1 was the least important and 10 was extremely important. ‘Happiness’ was rated 8.0, with ‘going to heaven’ 6.7.⁸ Makes you think about the state of the human race! Happiness and the joy of living may be our heaven on earth. Is that not God’s will after all?

Terminally ill cancer sufferers often say that only in their illness did they realise how wonderful life is. No new self-help book taught them new truths: they started to realise that living had always been a possibility, that the capacity for happiness comes from inside.

By a happy life I mean not only feelings of happiness, nor that little yellow smiley face, nor that feelings are not part of a happy person. Neither do I mean the ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ cliché. No, I am talking about a much deeper happiness that is within everyone’s reach.

Regardless of where you are on the scale of happiness, you can learn to be happier.⁹

Start by completing the following statement: I will be happy when

Do any of the following perhaps suit your statement? You think you will be happy when you receive that promotion, when you have children, when you meet that special person, cure that illness. Some of these may well make us happy, but will not cause deep happiness; furthermore, this happiness may not last for long.

Unfortunately there are some myths that prevent people from seeking and experiencing happiness.¹⁰ Let’s look at the most common of these myths:

Myth 1: Happiness needs to be searched for. We are happy, but only if the right things happen to us: the right job, the beautiful home, the ideal family. Do not be the one who waits for these things happen. Think about the cartoon of the little boy on his bicycle saying to his friend, ‘I can’t wait to be grown up so I can be happy!’ Look at the bicycle you are riding, the healthy legs with which you are pedalling, the beautiful environment you are in. You are already happy. Start to realise and enjoy this!

Happiness is not there to happen to you. It is not out there, but inside of you. It may sound far-fetched, but happiness really is a state of mind, an attitude. We could put it this way: it is how you see life, what the world of your thoughts is like.

Myth 2: Happiness depends on my circumstances and whether I can change them. We often recollect how happy we were in our youth and feel sure that reliving those circumstances would make us happier. This is far from the truth. Circumstances play a very small role in our daily happiness.

Many people think that more money would make a difference. However, researchers who tested 12 000 students in the USA and retested them 20 years later found that those for whom financial success was important were less happy with their lives than they had been 20 years earlier. The happiness of winning the lottery is also short-lived. This does not mean that money does not contribute to happiness, says Ed Diener. The problem is that one just wants more and more, which becomes toxic. After two years, you are no longer in seventh heaven in even the most successful of marriages.

How about a pretty face and Botox, then? Ed Diener found, in several research projects,¹¹ that beauty does not necessarily bring happiness. On the contrary, models are often unhappier than ordinary people.

If you are unhappy with your work, your marriage, your salary, your friends or your physical appearance, the first step is to ignore these things, despite how difficult this may be. Do not think or worry about them. We will discuss ways of doing this later.

Myth 3: I will be happy if I marry the right person. If you have been married for a long time, you will probably not want to admit, even to your best friends, that you are often bored in your relationship. Sorry to tell you this, but it’s true. Many married people may feel the desire to end their marriages, but feel guilty about even having these thoughts. They feel they have invested so much time, energy and commitment in a relationship that does not make them happy. Wait! This does not mean you need to divorce.

It is normal for a relationship to get boring as years go by. We become so used to each other that we lose the spark. Divorce is not the solution.

The solution for putting happiness back into a marriage is to work on strategies for rebuilding the relationship. We will look at these more closely later.

Myth 4: I will not be happy if my relationship ends. Divorce is on many married people’s minds – more than we realise! The realisation that a relationship is in a crisis often is preceded by a feeling of loneliness, of living on different wavelengths, of no longer caring about each other’s happiness or well-being, or even about your partner’s infidelity. The perception is that a happy marriage gives you wings and brings out the best in you.

A troubled marriage does not mean the end of your happiness. On the contrary, there are many different ways to handle this; divorce is only one option. A better solution is to start working on your relationship again. After all, your happiness is in your own hands. We will come back to this point later in the book.

Myth 5: I will be happy when I have children. Is this not how so many childless married couples feel? I talked recently to a friend who had struggled for years to fall pregnant. Out of the blue, she said, ‘I don’t like being a mother at all!’ She regarded the worries about her children’s future, the rushing around from one school activity to the next and the disappointments of parenthood as a heavy burden.

Is it not true that most of us, notwithstanding all the books we have read about parenthood, often feel that we have not quite succeeded in being good parents? Children can be our greatest joy – and the cause of our greatest heartache. I know so many people who have felt the latter. In fact, research shows that after the birth of a child, parents may experience a weakening of their relationship and a reduction in their happiness.¹² Proof once again that happiness is not outside, but inside, us.

So, do not get discouraged when you sometimes feel like throttling your children. This does not make you a bad person! Thinking badly of yourself is toxic: it is detrimental to your parenting and your own happiness.

Myth 6: I cannot be happy if I don’t have a life partner. I recently had a conversation with a woman who regards herself as very positive, but is intensely unhappy because she has no life partner. When she sees happy couples murmuring lovingly to each other, her mindset changes and she becomes sad and disheartened.

It is true that married people are more satisfied with their lives than single people. Research shows, however, that the biggest life-satisfaction difference is not between married and unmarried people, but between married people and divorcees, married people and those who have lost a life partner, or those who are estranged from a partner.¹³ On the other hand, single people are better off. In a study of 1 761 single people who later married, Lucas found that the excitement of marriage lasted only two years. Thereafter, the participants in the study reverted to the same level of happiness they had occupied before they got married. Single people thus do not experience the ‘boost’ of married people – but neither do they experience the fallback.¹⁴

Married people live longer and are healthier than people who have divorced, but unmarried people are just as healthy and live just as long.¹⁵

Myth 7: I will be happy in the right occupation or position. So many people in South Africa have jobs that do not satisfy them, but from which they cannot resign due to a lack of employment opportunities.

I know a family who uprooted and moved to Cape Town. For the first couple of years things were wonderful, but then the manager became a little less wonderful, the wind blew too much, the traffic was too hectic and the Capetonians drove too slowly in the fast lane. Gradually, the family started dreaming about a better opportunity.

A study of managers who were mostly white and about 45 years old found that, after accepting a new position in a city with many exciting opportunities, they experienced a honeymoon period. However, after a year they reverted to the same level of happiness they had experienced before moving.¹⁶ So, the ideal job does not guarantee happiness.

Myth 8: I cannot be happy if I’m in financial crisis. No one can deny that it is traumatic to lose your job, your house or your life savings, or to go bankrupt. How many people have struggled after losing all their money to a dishonest broker or financial advisor? Anybody who has ever experienced that knows of the sleepless nights, the feelings of complete helplessness and the anger in the heart. Of course, people succeed in climbing out of that financial hole and becoming better off than before. Most people, however, have to live from paycheque to paycheque.

We cannot get away from the fact that one’s happiness does, indeed, have something to do with one’s financial status. The link between the two is not as direct as you would expect, however. Money makes life easier, but does not necessarily influence our feelings. Furthermore, it is not clear if money makes us happy or if happy people make more money.¹⁷ Something to think about! Research clearly shows that money makes poor people happier than people in the middle- to high-income group.¹⁸

The most important conclusion from this research is that people may be happy with less money if they know how to spend it correctly. It seems to be a myth that money makes one happy. So, stop wishing you were as rich as the Ruperts, Oppenheimers, Guptas or Motsepes. You are rich enough to lead a happy life.

Myth 9: I cannot be happy if the test results are positive. Susan has just heard that she has breast cancer. If you have never experienced something like this, you cannot imagine what it does to a person.

After being ‘sentenced’ in this way, you can become so focused on the diagnosis that all the good things in life pass you by. However, we may have much more control over the reality of the moment than we realise.

Susan realised that death would come. She knew she had no control over when it would come, but had control over how she wanted to deal with every day. She said, ‘I will not allow fear about tomorrow to take away today’s happiness and joy.’ Wise words, indeed.

A concentration camp survivor once told of the two realities he experienced in the camp. One involved atrocious hunger, humiliation and maltreatment. The other was a life in which he was happy and satisfied, without seeing the ugliness around him. He went out of his way to look out for beauty in spite of his desperate circumstances. Perhaps we should do this when we hear bad news: not deny it, but live in a space in which we feel increasingly good. Difficult, indeed, but possible.

It has been proven that focusing on the good and especially on nature (looking at the sunset, sitting under a beautiful old oak tree, looking at lovely nature photos) in times of hardship brings calm in turbulent times.¹⁹ If you know what makes you happy, experience as much of it as possible. There is proof that doing regular exercise and attending religious meetings in difficult times (at least once a week) contributes to happiness in traumatic circumstances.²⁰

After her mastectomy, our friend held onto a lovely story of the painter who wanted to be a woodworker. One day, his wife asked him to make a table. This table became the focus point of their lives. They enjoyed meals, played games and laughed heartily around this table.

One day, when the family was away, a burglar came into the house and stole one of the table’s legs. The painter did everything to balance the table – placing books under the table and so on – but the table was never the same again. Eventually the painter had had enough. He took the table to the workshop: the result was a smaller table with three legs. Although it had taken him time to balance the table, it was now even better than the original.

After an illness, it may take a long time to balance your life again. You may no longer be a four-legged table, but a new you may develop that is as strong as the old you, but not the same.

While working through trauma, think about the sense and meaning of your life – how you would like to be remembered – and build your circle of friends. It has been proven that women with a good circle of friends add 2,8 years to their life and men 2,3 years!

Myth 10: I cannot be happy as my best years are over: How many of us, on the wrong side of 50, don’t have this thought in our minds? I cannot be happy if the years ahead are fewer than the years behind! I cannot be happy when I have reached my sell-by date!

These thoughts involve two blunders. Firstly, no one can determine when the best time in your life will be. Secondly, it is a myth that the younger you are, the happier you are. You need to change your attitude about aging!

Research in 1979 showed how a change in mindset may lead to wonderful changes in your life. Dr Ellen Langer and other Harvard University scientists took a number of males over 70 years of age to a monastery for seven days.²¹ They were instructed to act as if they were living in 1959. They had to talk about the work they did at the time, the president of that time, and so on. They were played music of that time, shown newspapers of that period and had to bring photos taken before 1959. They were thus indoctrinated that they were living in 1959. Before they started with the research project, they had a battery of physiological measurements such as their height, weight, flexibility, the length of their fingers, their strength, their memory and their sight. They were each asked to fill out a psychological self-evaluation test. After seven days, the measurements were repeated. The researchers found that the subjects had become physically taller, their arthritis diminished and they were able to straighten their fingers more, and their sight and memory had improved. On intelligence tests 63 per cent improved their scores. In fact, most of them started acting younger than their age. Some of their reactions approximated those of someone physiologically and cognitively two years younger – after just seven days! If you think you are old, you will act that way. It’s that simple.

While on the subject of older people, here is more advice. If you fear getting Alzheimer’s disease, listen to this. Neuroscientists have found that learning a new language may prevent Alzheimer’s disease – or, at least, delay its onset. You don’t even have to master the language. In fact, the study proved that, if you keep your brain active with cognitive activities, your chances of getting Alzheimer’s disease are 47 per cent lower.²² Learn to dance, or do crossword puzzles or Sudoku – anything to keep your brain occupied.

So, do not think that this book is only for young people. Focus on the future; do not let your mind dwell on the idyllic past. Set meaningful goals for the future. Remember: ‘There is no happiness without action.’²³ The goals for this time in your life should firstly be inner goals (such as feeling meaningful) and goals that you want to enjoy, not what the community demands from you. It should fulfil a basic human need such as being an expert in something (a good bowls player, knitter of the best bed socks), making good friends, or making a contribution to the community. We will focus on setting goals later in the book.

What do these clever researchers teach us? Older people are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than young people; they experience more positive emotions and fewer negative ones; their emotional experiences are more stable and, last but not least, they are less susceptible to daily negativity and stress.²⁴ In fact, three recent studies proved that the peak emotional experience of positivity is between 64 and 79.²⁵ Had the studies included those older than 79, I suspect that positivity would increase the closer we get to 100. What about 120?

Laura Carstensen of Stanford University devoted more than two decades to determining why older people are happier. She claims that, as people realise that their years are diminishing, their perspective on life changes. They start spending more time doing things that really matter – such as forming good, constructive relationships instead of meeting more and more people just to have a large circle of friends; they ignore relationships that are not supportive; and they take fewer risks. The result is that they have more peace, happiness and restfulness, and live more positive lives.²⁶ Yes, we easily switch off the TV news if there is too much violence and murder or if our favourite soapie irritates us with too much violence. We look with a blind eye at critics too. Good – the older we get, the more people tend to treat us with respect!

So, you gluttons for punishment who complain about getting old, tell yourself, ‘I had good years and many successes, but much still awaits me!’ Or, even better: ‘Yes, I can no longer produce children, or run fast, or touch my toes, but a new chapter has started.’ This is a choice that is in your mind.

Myth 11: You either have it or you don’t. You have been born like this: you either have it or you don’t. It is unhappy people especially who believe that unhappiness is in their genes and that they can do nothing about it. There may be some truth in this myth. One’s genes do play an important role. The myth, however, is that you cannot do anything about it. You can.

Let us leave the myths now and see how your happiness is determined.

What determines our happiness?

Some of the best research on the genetic impact on happiness was done by David Lykken, Auke Tellegen and their colleagues at the University of Minnesota, USA.²⁷They found that 50 per cent of one’s happiness is determined by one’s genes. The sunny personality on your mother’s side, or the more depressed one on your father’s side, or both, have an influence on the genetic composition of your happiness. You can choose your spouse, but unfortunately not the genes of his or her family!

Research shows that we have a set point for happiness – a genetic set point that indicates our level of happiness. If you buy a new car, your child obtains a degree, or you are in a serious accident, for example, your level of happiness could increase or decrease for some time. After a while, however, it will