I Ain't Lying: Stories of Manhood, Marriage, and The Military

By Vega Tigarrius

I Ain't Lying is a "Laugh-Out-Loud" compilation of short stories that gives a hilarious look at some of the most important aspects of life...from a guy's perspective.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 11, 2015
• ISBN: 9781631925924

Book preview

Laughatorium

PREFACE

As a child in elementary, I distinctly remember being the proverbial class clown. I didn’t know at that time that there was a term for what I was doing; I only knew that what I was doing made me comfortable, and it made me feel accepted by my peers.

Teachers generally liked me, but I was the kid that would always talk in class or do something distracting to get the other kids riled up. This was brought to my guardian’s attention (Mom, Dad, Grandma…or whomever I was living with at the time), more often than not, during PTA meetings, teacher comments on report cards, open-houses, or the dreaded phone calls home. I always loved being the center of attention and making people laugh, so whatever punishment or reprimand came as a result was always worth it. It made me feel important, and it made me feel protected. I was never the biggest, fastest, or toughest kid, but I was, quite often, the wittiest and the quickest thinker.

In Memphis, Tennessee (where I was born and raised), even as a child there was a social status, hierarchy, and a survival mentality. If the other kids thought you were weak or defenseless, then they would target you each and every day. Those were the kids that were made fun of…those were the kids that were beat up…and those were the kids that were ostracized. There was no national campaign against bullying in the mid-1980s. The standard ideology of that day was kids will be kids. Luckily for me, I was raised by my grandmother in the early years, and she had two of her own children still living with her that were only eight years my elder. So, by five or six, I was verbally sparring with my uncle and aunt who were thirteen and fourteen, and we all know how vicious and cruel teenagers can be. Now, don’t get me wrong, my uncle and aunt (who at the time I legitimately believed to be my brother and sister) were protective of me. But they lived by this philosophy: We’ll pick on him as much as we like, but NOBODY else better say anything to him. So, although I was shielded from the attacks of their friends, other cousins/family members, and the outside world in general…I was totally free game for their antics. This environment taught me about humor. It taught me to have thick skin. It also taught me that the way I organized my words would become both my offense and defense.

By the time I reached kindergarten, I was hell-on-wheels for the teacher and any potential bullies. I found out very quickly that the biggest kids, the kids who had name brand clothes, and the kids who could make everyone laugh had nothing to worry about and were pretty much safe. When I was five or six, describing me as scrawny was a compliment (to be honest I’m not too far from that as an adult), so I knew I would never be one of the big kids. Name brands of any sort were totally out of the question. I lived with sixty year old grandparents that were raised on farms. So, my only hope was to be funny.

Humor became my calling card, and I was always able to defend myself verbally using sarcasm, jokes, or down right insults, if need be. This strategy has carried me from elementary all the way until now. For years, I had always been able to make people laugh, but I had never considered doing it in an organized fashion. This book is my first attempt.

The idea for this book originated from stories that I posted on the social media site, Facebook. The reactions and comments were always positive and encouraging. I finally realized that my posts on Facebook had a built in audience, for which I could test my new material. This built in audience consisted of people of various ages, from all walks of life. Their responses helped me gauge if I was funny to my inner circle, or if I was funny to a representative sample of the general public. Week after week, my stories grew more detailed and hilarious and attracted more support. One day, I finally decided to write a complete book and test the boundaries of how far I could take my unique outlook on life and my gift for storytelling. The result would be I Ain’t Lying: Stories of Manhood, Marriage, and the Military.

I Ain’t Lying is a compilation of stories and moments that I found funny, and that I think most people will find funny also. I knew it would be a huge undertaking for me. First of all, I didn’t personally know anyone who had written a book…let alone a book of funny stories. It’s one thing to write a funny story, but it’s a totally different task to write one funny story after another, after another, after another…and keep the audience’s attention from start to finish. So, I tried it, and this book is the result of my efforts. My only goal with this book is to make people smile.

Whenever I am faced with a decision of having to try the unknown or step out of my comfort zone, I live by a philosophy that asks, What’s the worst that could happen? My response is always, The worst thing that could happen is that I succeed. Anyone can try and fail, but success brings unimaginable pressure.

Think of it this way…when a prospective student applies to