Fifty Shavings of Grey

By M.D.Eff

Graham Woodcock, Mr Grey to his employees, and just Cocky to his mates, is a multi-millionaire. He is giving the opening speech in New York at another of his phenomenally successful timber yards and tool outlets. He spots a beautiful women in the audience who has just knocked the man out standing in front of her. She's a very forward lady.

Her eyes; both of them - even the one that wanders a bit, are damp with passion for him (not the man she's just knocked out, obviously). Or is it the sawdust that's blowing about in the wind?

Who is she?
Why is she there?
How does she lick that mole on her cheek with her bottom lip?

Her beauty, and continuous ginger eyebrows intoxicate Grey. He is determined to have her…
…join him at his country pile, Waney Edge, which lies deep in the English countryside and handily near the local Fish and Chip shop.

Will he succeed?
Will she discover his secrets?
Will he take things all the way and let her into his private place?
Can this book description go on for much longer?

Author's Note
This book is a parody offered in tribute to the fantastically successful 50 Shades trilogy by EL James. It's around 23,000 words long and includes several provocative photos depicting WPP (Wide Panel Planers), which are very big tools and not for the faint hearted. There's also a mouth-watering depiction of ASD (A Sausage Dinner) – A full recipe is provided.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Phil Kingsman
• Release date: Feb 2, 2015
• ISBN: 9781507064726

Book preview

Fifty Shavings of Grey

A Parody

––––––––

M.D. Eff

––––––––

PUBLISHED BY:

M.D. Eff

Copyright © 2013

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced in any format, by any means, electronic or otherwise, without prior consent from the copyright owner and publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. All characters, names, places and events are the product of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental

____________________________________________

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all those who enjoyed the magnificent Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by EL James. I owe the author a deep sense of gratitude for providing a platform on which my woodwork business and tool hire stores are now the biggest in the world.

I would also like to mention my wife, who was inspired by EL James’ books.

She perspired a lot as she read those bloody books.

I almost expired due to effects of my wife reading those bloody books.

All I can say is, thank God there are only three books in the series.

A personal plea; please don’t write any more, since what’s left of my manhood won’t stand for it, if you see what I mean.

Also, it will only encourage my wife to buy more of those little blue things...I don’t believe for a minute that they are just multivitamins for men of a certain age – aka, my age.

Table of Contents

Prologue

The Beginning Bit; Open and Ready

So, You’re into WPP, Miss Lodge

The Mile High Club

Pull It Back, Then Squeeze

If Trout and Sausages Be The Food Of Love...

BOB, a Friend for Life

Epilogue

Prologue

Prologue:

A separate introductory section of a literary, dramatic, or musical work.

The Oxford English Dictionary

The bit before the beginning bit: Me

My name is Graham Woodcock, but my close friends call me Cocky for short. However, the reader should be clear that there are no parts of my anatomy that could be described as short. It’s not that I’m sensitive about my body image, because I’m not, really, I’m not, and I’m not being defensive when I say that.

My employees call me Mr. Grey out of respect because I am a multi-millionaire, pay their wages and give each of them a free allocation of timber off-cuts and curly wood shavings each winter for use in their log burners, or to sell for profit (from which I take just 10% commission).

I own the most successful chain of timber merchants and carpentry tool sales outlets in the world, with stores in 50 cities across three continents. My vast head office is a sprawling complex constructed from the finest quality mahogany. It has triple glazing and is two storeys high. It would have been taller but we couldn’t get tree trunks in long enough lengths.

My many lovers call me Lignum Vitae (which is amongst the world’s toughest woods and is self-lubricating when polished), on account that I’m hard when I need to be, but come up a treat when rubbed the right way with something soft – preferably lint-free and along the grain.

I own enormous forests in Brazil, where I’m known as ‘Amazon’, which in my book, can’t be bad.

I also own vast forests of Spruce in Norway. This can be a bit tricky since the Norwegian translates as skog av gran, which has nothing to do with that Frenchified food dish made from chicken, red wine and streaky bacon.

My private yacht is called The Archimedes Screw after our fastest selling range of wood boring drill bits; I hear some Greek bloke is also using the name, but I’ve got my top lawyer on the case to sue his arse off, although it’s proving very hard to track the bugger down.

My private jet has its own Jacuzzi, king sized bed and cedar wood patio bench set complete with Lazy Susan and umbrella in Battleship Grey. You see, it’s important that I portray a sophisticated image to reinforce my huge company’s brand image.

I don’t suffer fools gladly – except for tax inspectors, since they usually don’t know a smoothing plane from a gimlet. I like to play with them and some of the female inspectors I’ve dealt with like me to do that. They say it beats stroking a calculator all day. They also say that my push-stick helps them relax as I demonstrate how to get the best out of timber with snatch-grain.

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth – it was Beech, which is where I got my taste for wood from.

By working 24/6 and until 12.30pm on a Sunday I became enormously rich by the time I was 27, and now, 23 months later, I’m nearly 29.

I dress to impress the ladies and always wear a tie, sometimes with a shirt; even in the bathtub and in bed, since you never know when you might meet someone nice. Also they come in handy for all sorts of things like tying bundles of kindling together. If I really like a woman I take my socks off.

Almost 5,000 people work for me and I pay most of them. Some told me they enjoy working for the company so much that they would be willing to work for nothing. I always try to support my workers so I did what they asked. But it’s important not to take advantage of employees – so I said they could have every other Saturday off as long as they stayed late of a Wednesday, which is ‘Do It Yourself Senior Citizen Saver Night’ in all our stores. I want to do my bit to help the older generation enjoy doing it for themselves, which is the only way I suspect they get any satisfaction at all at their time of life.

Competition is tough in the timber and tool business and I play hardball when I have to. I also like to play strip poker with girls in grey bikinis and I always win. My 22 piece suite helps but I always play by the rules; my rules – I pay, they lose.

I like my women to be women, otherwise it can get very confusing and lead to a whole handful of trouble and friction burns. I tend to go for redheads, unless they are bald and don’t use sun cream, which is a real turn-off for me because it usually stings.

Older women really turn me on since they are experienced and know how to use their assets. Holy nail punch, to see a 35-year-old exfoliate her legs with one of my cordless orbital sanders...it’s enough to make me run my fingers up and down my electric organ as fast as I can play – finishing the minute waltz in 25 seconds usually gives me satisfaction.

I have a well-earned reputation as a lover. Women are putty in my hands; the linseed oil type is best for most applications since it moulds to the