Tales From Little Lump: Alien Season

By Jeff Folschinsky

A hilarious tale about the small town of Little Lump, Texas and what happens when aliens show up without warning. Is this the end of the world as they know it? Not if Gertie and the customers of Aunt Gertie’s Gas ‘n Sip have anything to say about it. For them, it’s time to praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, because they are determined not to go down without a fight.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jeff Folschinsky
• Release date: Sep 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310695452

Jeff Folschinsky

Jeff Folschinsky, who is originally from Houston, Texas, now resides in Los Angeles, California. His plays have been seen at various theaters across North America. He is also creator and staff writer for Perilous and The Trials and Tribulations of Vicky Vixen, a serial late night soap opera spoof at the Eclectic Company Theater in North Hollywood, California. Jeff’s play “The Unsinkable Bismarck, A Pill By Any Other Name Is The Wrong Dosage, Rendezvous and Revelations and Kisses From Abroad” are published by One Act Play Depot. His full length play “Turkey Day” that had it’s world premiere at The Eclectic Company Theatre, is published by both Norman Maine Play Publishing and Big Dog Play Publishing. His play he co-wrote with Tyler Tanner “The Singing Bone” is published by JAC Publishing. Jeff has written and produced the popular podcasts Virgin Falls, Pasiones Obsesionantes, The B-Movie Bastards and Cult Movie Cuisine. Jeff has also written a movie with Tyler Tanner and Stephanie Wiand called Revenge of the Bimbot Zombie Killers which was directed by Joe Camareno.

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Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

1

Hold your horses, I’m coming damn it! I swear, there are very few things in life that get me more upset than the telephone.

Its ring is like a little child yelling in my ear, demanding that I stop whatever it is that I’m doing and immediately give it attention.

I swear I would spank it if it weren’t for the fact that the payphone in my place of business is a very well built piece of machinery, and the last thing I need at my age is a broken hand.

My only real solace is to answer the darn thing and take out my vengeance on whoever set that ringing annoyance loose in the first place.

So with the most annoyed tone of voice I could muster up, I answered the phone with my standard greeting: Yeah, what do you want?

Well hello there and is this Aunt Gertie’s Gas ‘n Sip? responded an overly polite voice that I knew all too well.

Now, truth be known, I don’t know the exact number of people living in Little Lump, but I’m pretty sure it’s less than a hundred. So the fact that Fred, the mental giant that is the town’s operator, was asking if this was indeed the place he himself called, shows you what I was dealing with here.

Fred, you know this is Aunt Gertie’s Gas ‘n Sip. You’re the damn operator aren’t you?

Damn it Gertie, as an official representative of the Little Lump Telephone Company in this great state of Texas, I am trying to maintain some sort of professional decorum, which is rather difficult when you answer the telephone in that unprofessional and sassy manner!

Well, maybe it wasn’t the most professional way to answer the phone, but it’s my phone and I’ll answer it any damn way I want to, I shot back at him. Now are you going to tell me why you’re calling, or do you want to talk about phone ethics?

It’s interesting that you mentioned ethics Gertie, because the history of telephone service is based—

Now I don’t normally make a habit of hanging up on people but I could already feel the migraine coming on from where this conversation was headed, so that’s exactly what I did. Besides, it’s widely known that I’m a first class grouch, so it’s not like it was going to hurt my reputation any.

It was a blissful five seconds before that irritating ringing started up again.

I answered the phone in a sarcastically innocent tone of voice. Hello, this is Gertie. How may I help you?

Gertie, what the heck is going on over there? Did you know that we got disconnected? Fred asked, clearly flustered.

Why no, I had no idea, I responded. Of course the fact that I just answered the phone should have been evidence that I was fully aware we got disconnected, but no one ever accused poor Fred of being the sharpest pencil in the pack.

Fred, hold on a second while I check the phone.

Now, there is no more blissful a sound than the clicking that the phone makes as you hang it up. And I have to admit, hanging up twice on Fred really did put a smile on my face.

You may say that’s sadistic, but I’ve always found being sadistic is a state of mind. For instance, what you call sadistic, I could call being carefully guarded with my time. Of course it could also be another example of me being a grouch, but I never really like to label people. Especially myself.

I have to admit though, I was strangely conflicted when the phone rang a third time. I have to give Fred credit. He is persistent.

I didn’t even bother to say anything when I picked up the receiver this time. I just waited for him to say something.

Gertie, is that you? Are you there? I can hear you breathing. What the heck is going on with your phone?

I finally answered him before he spontaneously exploded.

Fred, I have no idea what’s going on. I must be in a bad cell zone.

There was a moment of silence where I could swear I actually heard Fred’s mind trying to work out that last statement.

Gertie, he finally replied, you do realize you’re on a payphone?

Yes Fred, I said, slightly insulted, I realize that I’m on a payphone. I was being facetious.

I’m sorry, did I hear that right? he asked. You’re getting a facial right now?

No Fred, I said. Facetious, you know, when you...Fred, why on Earth do you keep calling me?

Well, I’m trying to connect you with a collect call from Gene Kelly. Will you accept the charges?

Fred—my tone was not necessarily annoyed, but had more of an uneasy calm that one experiences before something really bad happens—why on Earth would I accept the charges of a collect call? The whole point of having a payphone is so there won’t be any charges. Can you not see the paradox of calling a person on a payphone and asking them if they will accept the charges of a collect call?

Well, when you say it like that, the whole thing seems kind of silly, Fred replied.

Really, do you think? I said with relief, finally seeing the end of this conversation in sight.

Well, he’s been waiting on the phone a long time. What do you want me to tell him? Fred asked.

Only one thing comes to mind. You tell him— I hung up the phone mid-sentence, a smile creeping across my face, trying to imagine the mental aneurism that Fred was experiencing in his attempt to interpret what just happened and convey it to Gene Kelly.

Serves him right though. Accept the charges, I said to myself as I headed to the kitchen, why I never.

No sooner had I walked into the kitchen than I heard someone walking in through the front door and calling out my name. Gertie, you here?

I peeked out through the serving window, not wanting to waste another trip back into the store if it was someone I didn’t particularly care for.

Fortunately, it was my nephew Jimmy, whose company I actually enjoy, despite the fact his father is a first class pain in my butt.

Well hey there Jimmy. What brings you by? I asked as I made my way back into the store.

A crate came by the cotton gin earlier today and Pa told me to bring it over to you.

A crate?

"Yeah,