Volume 4 Belly Laughs for All

By Roberta Cava

Everyone loves humour and having a good laugh. Pop this eBook into your computer whenever you feel a pick-me-up is needed or simply want a good laugh. The jokes are slanted at open-minded adults and are not suitable for children. There are twelve chapters in the book – each one discussing humourous things about a segment of society.
Belly Laughs for All! Volumes 1 - 4 are an absolute must for anyone who wants to lighten up and have some fun.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cava Consulting
• Release date: Nov 30, 2011
• ISBN: 9780987138521

Roberta Cava

Roberta Cava is the author of 30 books. Two of them are international best-sellers. Her Dealing with Difficult People book was published in 1990 (23 publishers in 17 languages). She was born in Canada but now lives on the Gold Coast of Queensland, Australia.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

This book is a continuation of Volume 1, 2 and 3 and includes new jokes, so there’s no repetition. These four volumes are unlike any others I have written. Most of my books relate to how to deal with difficult people and situations. I had been feeling very depressed after writing my last three books - which focused around bullying - at home, at school and at work. This was a lovely change from that disturbing and depressing research.

I had collected jokes for years, and enjoyed reading them whenever I felt down-in-the-dumps. This is what stimulated me to write a book on humour. It was soon evident that I had too many jokes for just one volume, hence wrote Volume 1, 2, 3 and 4. These books were meant for adult audiences and are not suitable for children.

I hope you enjoy this volume enough to want to obtain the other 3 volumes.

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ANIMAL

The Parrots

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: 'Jesus is watching you!'

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you!' the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'

'Yes,' said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and then asked the parrot, 'What’s your name?'

'Clarence,' said the bird.

'That’s a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burglar. 'What idiot named you Clarence?'

The parrot replied, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered.'

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. 'How do I get him to sing?' The young man asked, excitedly.

'Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.' was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: 'Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...'

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: 'Silent Night, Holy Night ...'

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

'How beautiful!' She exclaimed, 'Can he talk?'

'No,' the young man replied, 'But he can sing. Let me show you.' So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: 'Jingle Bells! Jingle bells ...!'

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: 'Silent Night, Holy night ...'

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, 'What if we hold the lighter between his legs?'

The man did not know. 'Let's try it,' he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: 'Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ...'

(This one’s not nice!)

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

'Look, it’s not the same hat!'

'Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.'

'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?'

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself in the middle of the ocean floating on a piece of wood with the parrot (of course). They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said, 'Okay, I give up. Where’s the boat?'

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.

'Hey, bitch,' says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'

The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: 'Dammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!'

Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. 'Hey, slut,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!'

The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!'

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Carl? This is Ronaldo, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ronaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Carl, that your parrot, he is dead

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

''From eating the rotten meat, Senor Carl.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Carl.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Carl, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Carl.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Carl.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Carl', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made R580 XD golf club.'

Silence ... Long silence ...

'Ronaldo, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!’

Welsh Cow and Smart Scottish Vet

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

'Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.'

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking: 'Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?'

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

'You are truly a wise Vet,' they said. 'How did you know we got the cow from Wales?'

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, 'My wife is from Wales!'

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean? John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the following morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car.'

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!'

The Ugly Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'm so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, 'Kiss me and you won't be sorry!'

So! The old lady figured, 'What the heck,' and kissed the frog.

Immediately, the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

The prince then returned the old lady's kiss. Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?

She turned into the first holiday inn she could find!!

She's old ... not dead!!

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice:

Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

Another Moral of the story! Learn to love the pricks in your life!

'Dogs Welcome'

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: 'I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?'

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: 'I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.'

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'm a friggin' dog

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?!

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip,' then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous!

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

The Birds

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Mick.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Mick pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Mick's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Mick looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Mick falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'

There's more:

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

It's not over yet ...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'First dere was Mick with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

St. Patrick's Day Celebration

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says: 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.’

Paddy replies: 'Okay Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus ... I can't walk,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No way.'

He manages to crawl up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says, 'Damn it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned ... you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question ... will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.' Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple ... it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris.

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won One million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, 'Why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'

The old dog

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with six children, two under the age of three - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

From: The Dog

Dear God:

Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good