Volume 2: Belly Laughs for All!

By Roberta Cava

Do you need some good laughs?
Want to impress your family, friends or colleagues with new and different jokes.
If so - Volume 1 and Volume 2 are for you. They are full of jokes you can laugh at when life gets you down.
Volume 2 covers: animal, food, religious, at work, genie, Is that right? miscellaneous, history, letters, bar, high technology, rules for living, and on the serious side.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cava Consulting
• Release date: Apr 9, 2011
• ISBN: 9780975766132

Roberta Cava

Roberta Cava is the author of 30 books. Two of them are international best-sellers. Her Dealing with Difficult People book was published in 1990 (23 publishers in 17 languages). She was born in Canada but now lives on the Gold Coast of Queensland, Australia.

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Belly Laughs for All! - Volume 2

Roberta Cava

Published by Cava Consulting

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Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2006 - 2011 by Roberta Cava

Discover other titles by Roberta Cava at Smashwords.com

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN 978-0-9757661-3-2

Everyone loves humour and having a good laugh. Pop this e-book into your computer whenever you feel a pick-me-up is needed or simply want a good laugh. The jokes are slanted at open-minded adults and are not suitable for children. There are eleven chapters in the book – each one discussing humourous things about a segment of society.

Belly Laughs for All! – Volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4 are absolute musts for anyone who wants to lighten up and have some fun.

Roberta Cava is the owner of Cava Consulting in Australia and has presented her seminars worldwide, including her most popular session: Dealing with Difficult People that has been presented to over 55,000 participants. She is the author of 28 books and will be writing more.

BOOKS BY ROBERTA CAVA

Dealing with Difficult People

(22 publishers – in 16 languages)

Dealing with Difficult Situations – at Work and at Home

Dealing with Difficult Spouses and Children

Dealing with Difficult Relatives and In-Laws

Dealing with Domestic Violence and Child Abuse

Dealing with School Bullying

Dealing with Workplace Bullying

Retirement Village Bullies

What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Before tying the knot – Questions couples Must ask each other Before they marry!

How Women can advance in business

Survival Skills for Supervisors and Managers

Easy Come – Hard to go – The Art of Hiring, Disciplining and Firing Employees

Human Resources at its best!

Time and Stress – Today’s silent killers

Take Command of your Future – Make things Happen

Human Resources Policies and Procedures

Employee Handbook

Belly laughs for All! - Volumes 1-4

Wisdom of the World– The happy, sad and wise parts of life

That Something Special

Something Missing

Life gets complicated

BELLY LAUGHS FOR ALL

Volume 2

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Animals

Chapter 2 - Food

Chapter 3 - Religious

Chapter 4 - At Work

Chapter 5 - Genie

Chapter 6 - Is That Right?

Chapter 7 - Miscellaneous

Chapter 8 - History

Chapter 9 - Letters

Chapter 10 - Bar

Chapter 11 - High Technology

Chapter 12 - Rules For Living

Chapter 13 - On The Serious Side

Conclusion

INTRODUCTION

This book is a continuation of Volume I and covers humour in different areas, so there’s no repetition. These two volumes are unlike any others I have written. Most of my books relate to how to deal with difficult people and situations. I had been feeling very depressed after writing my last three books - which focused around bullying - at home, at school and at work. This was a lovely change from that disturbing and depressing research.

I had collected jokes for years, and enjoyed reading them whenever I felt down-in-the-dumps. This is what stimulated me to write a book on humour. It was soon evident that I had too many jokes for just one volume, hence wrote Volume I and Volume II. These books were meant for adult audiences and are not suitable for children.

I hope you enjoy this volume enough to want to obtain the Volume I.

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CHAPTER 1

ANIMALS

Jesus:

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Jesus is watching you! the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

Yes, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and then asked the parrot, What’s your name?

Clarence, said the bird.

That’s a dumb name for a parrot, sneered the burglar. What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot replied, The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

Garbage Disposal:

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.

You know where the button is, I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. Reset it yourself!

But I'm scared! she persisted. What if it starts going and sucks me in? There was a meaningful pause and then, C'mon, it'll only take you a second.

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circum-stances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty that discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

What's the matter? They all asked, Cat got your tongue? If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

The Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of the try to set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few minutes he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

Look, it’s not the same hat!

Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.

Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself in the middle of the ocean floating on a piece of wood with the parrot (of course). They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said, Okay, I give up. Where’s the boat?

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The man says aloud, Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.

Holy crap, the guy replies. You actually understood and answered me!

I got every word, says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.

Oh yeah? the guy asks, Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?

Well, says the parrot, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked - I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.

Wow, says the guy, You really can understand and speak English can’t you?

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic - politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.

The guy looks at the $20,000 price tag, Sorry, I just can’t afford that.

Pssssssssst, says the parrot, I’m defective, so the truth is nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; why don’t you make an offer?

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour; he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day, the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, Pssssssssst, and motions him over with one wing, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.

What are you talking about? asks the guy.

When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.

What??? the guy asks incredulously. Then what happened?

Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over. reported the parrot.

NO! he exclaimed. and she let him?

Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! He got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.

Then the frantic guy demands, And then what happened?

Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch!

The Seagulls:

Here's an example where the Tweed Council (in Queensland, Australia) is helping the wildlife by giving them directions north. I guess there are too many splatters near the Club.

Zebra

There was this zebra that had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass, hills and trees and all those strange animals. She saw a big fat weird-looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?

I’m a cow.

Right, right. What do you do?

I make milk for the farmer.

Cool. The zebra then saw this funny-looking white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?

I’m a chicken.

Oh right. What do you do?

I make eggs for the farmer.

Right, great, see ya around. Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?

I’m a stallion, said the stallion.

Wow, said the zebra. What do you do?

Take off your pajamas and I’ll show you.

Animals are funny:

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my wife is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket. she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I was half way through my fish burger when I realised, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.

What do you call a cow that lost its calf? Decaffeinated.

How can you tell when a moth farts? He flies in a straight line for a couple of seconds.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit-bull.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What did one doe say to the other doe as they walked out of the woods? I’ll never do that for two bucks again!

Why don’t chickens wear nickers? Because their peckers are on their face!

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? Milk and quackers.

Why does an elephant have four feet? Because it wouldn’t work with 6 inches.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how are you gonna get them in there?

Why do whales make such great lovers? Because they have a hole in the back of their head they can breathe out of.

What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.

What did one Florida alligator say to another alligator? This airplane food isn’t so bad.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He saddles up to the bar and announces, I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

The Bat:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep - but they persisted in hassling him to no end until he finally gave in.

Okay! he said with exasperation, follow me, and flew out of the cave with hundreds bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

Do you see that tree over there? he asked.

Yes, yes, yes! screamed the bats in unison.

Good, said the first bat, Because I didn’t!

How to wash a cat:

- Thoroughly clean the toilet.

- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.

- Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You might have to sit or stand on the lid).

- Caution: Do not let any part of your body get too close to the edge as its paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make suds. Never mind the noise coming from your toilet - the cat is actually enjoying this.

- Flush the toilet three or four times. This will provide a power-wash and rinse which as been found to be quite effective.

- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure there are no people between the toilet and the outside.

- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

- The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where it will dry itself.

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want, when they want. They rarely listen to you. They’re totally unpredictable. They whine when they’re not happy. When you want to play, they want to be left alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their very whim. They’re moody. They leave their hair everywhere. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats!

What is a Dog?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they can’t hear you when you’re in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

Beware of Dog:

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying Danger! Beware of Dog! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked