Aloha Self-Esteem?

By Alicia Emamdee

Jennifer Gonzalez, a shy and quiet girl of almost 16, desperately wants to visit her cousin, Sara, in Hawaii for the summer. The only way her Mom will allow her to go is if she improves her grades. Her worst subject is Psychology and the topic for her term paper, which counts for half of her grade, is due in only a few days, and having no idea what to base her paper on, Jen falls into a deep state of complete and utter panic.
It’s not until she hears her little sister talking about being too fat that she comes up with the brilliant idea to write her paper on self-esteem and ways to improve it. As Jen delves into her research, she discovers why so many teen girls suffer with low self-esteem and finds techniques to help increase it. Despite the pressures society places on women and teenage girls to look perfect, Jen realizes that she needs a boost of self-esteem as well, and takes us on her own journey of self-confidence and self-discovery.
Experiencing many obstacles along the way, Jen keeps bumping into her guy crush but is extremely shy and hesitant to attempt any kind of interaction with him. Her hopes of ever falling in love fall to the wayside as she struggles with her insecurities. Will Jen improve her grades enough to be allowed to visit her cousin in Hawaii? Will she overcome her shyness and gain self-confidence? What about her guy crush? Will she ever be confident enough to talk to him? Will she ever fall in love?
The reader gets a personal look at Jen and her best friends as they attempt to step outside of their comfort zones and discover the tools for gaining high self-esteem. Original in its presentation, this charming and quirky story of self-confidence, self-discovery, friendship and love will leave the reader feeling empowered, inspired and motivated.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alicia Emamdee
• Release date: Jun 13, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310367663

Alicia Emamdee

Alicia Emamdee is the founder of For She Is Beautiful, LLC, a website dedicated to empowering and inspiring women, teen girls and girls of all ages. It provides information on building self-esteem, staying positive and believing in yourself. Alicia has an M.S. in Mental Health Counseling and has over eight years experience working with children and adolescents. As a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern, she worked as a Child and Family Therapist for two years at a mental health agency in South Florida. Due to an illness called fibromyalgia, however, she was forced to stop working in the counseling field but is finally living out her dream of writing inspirational and motivational books with her first young adult novel on self-esteem for teen girls, “Aloha Self-Esteem?” She is currently working on her second book in the self-esteem series for women in their 30s and 40s.

Book preview

The end of the school year was fast approaching, and I still had no clue what I was going to write about for my Psychology term paper. Totally stressing because my grade in that class wasn’t all that great, and with my Mom on my case, I really needed to improve my grades overall if I wanted to visit Sara in Hawaii for the summer. She’s my favorite cousin and unofficially titled Big Sis. We hadn’t seen each other since she moved over there two years ago.

Sigh, I could see myself now, relaxing on the beach watching all the hot surfers surfing the big waves while catching the eye of the hottest guy on the island. Hawaii was calling my name, and so was the hottest surfer, um...if I ever got over this shyness thing and had the guts to talk to a guy. Anyway, the moral of the story is this...I had to get my grades up if I wanted to ever set foot on Hawaii!

Being in the 10th grade wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I didn’t think I would have to work so hard since I basically aced freshman year. I had slacked off a bit and my Mom noticed that my grades were slipping. Even though the plan since last summer when I started saving all of my babysitting money was for me to visit Sara, there was no way that Mom would allow me to go unless I did better in school.

So I went into what I can only describe as a complete and utter panic since my grade in Psychology had slipped to a mere C. It was holding me back from getting that 3.5 GPA that Mom insisted I get this semester. The term paper counted for half of our grade, and the topic of our papers was due on Monday, which was just three short days away! This not knowing what to write about thing was getting in my way. Let’s just say, I was not off to such a great start.

Geez! I was late for Math class...AGAIN! Why did you have to be all the way on the other side of the building? Totally distracted as I texted my best friend, Melissa, who had just texted me the latest school gossip, I SLAMMED right into Justin, the guy I had the biggest crush on. Books, cell phones and papers went flying everywhere, and as he bent down to pick stuff up, he flashed me that gorgeous, dimpled smile of his.

You know that twinkle you see in the movies when something is sparkling or shiny like a diamond? Well, I swear that I saw that exact same sparkle in his smile! And the Sound Effects Guy, who watched my life as if it were a movie, to make sure he made sounds at the exact, precise moments, rang the teeny tiny bell intended for the sole purpose of making the noise you hear in the movies that always simultaneously goes off as the sparkle appears...PING!!

In his deep, and not to mention oh so husky voice, Justin said, Are you okay? Looking at his chin (it was scientifically impossible for me to make eye contact with any guy I found remotely cute), all I could muster up was a barely audible, Yes, thank you.

Here ya go, he said as he handed me my things. Next time you wanna say hello, you don’t have to bump into me, just say hi, okay? He winked. Yes, he actually winked! Who does that nowadays? Okay, focus, Jen.

There was that dimpled smile again, and...that sparkle and...wait for it...here it comes...cue Sound Effects Guy...PING! Blushing deep red, I think I formed somewhat of a smile while continuing to look at his chin before walking away completely humiliated.

As I rushed to class, all I could think about was how horrible l looked that day: messy, frizzy hair, god awful pimple on my forehead, and to top it off my skinny legs and bony knees were on full display for the world, and more importantly, Justin, to see because I had no choice but to wear a miniskirt that day since I hadn’t done my laundry in over a week. Why couldn’t my hot new pair of jeans been clean so that I could have worn them that day? And good god...why couldn’t I say something smart and funny and witty? Oh no, not me, no way. I hardly said a word! Did he even hear what I said? God, I acted like such an idiot! Shy Girl strikes again!

Growing up in Miami where all the beautiful people lived did not make life any easier for me. To make things worse, I think most of them went to my high school, and I certainly didn’t consider myself one of...THEM. Short and on the skinny side, I thought I looked more like a twelve year old boy rather than a girl of almost sixteen. The only thing I thought made me look somewhat girl-like was my long, chestnut brown hair.

I always joked around that puberty hadn’t hit me as yet. It was my way of making light of the fact that I wasn’t the prettiest, or the most statuesque (minute is more like it) or the most...ahem...well endowed...er...not even close. My Mom always told me that I was pretty, but aren’t Moms biased that way? Back then I found fault with every single aspect of my body and being!

Things are much different now though. I can actually say that I like the way I look, and more importantly, I like the person that I am on the inside. What has changed you ask? I learned how to improve my self-esteem. Want to know how? Just read my story and maybe, along the way, you can improve yours too. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride and please remember to hold on to the bar…

Late entering the classroom, I didn’t have time to tell Melissa, my best friend who had just texted me, what had happened with Justin, and boy was I dying to talk to her! I wasn’t going to risk texting her since that had landed me in detention once before. She didn’t sit close to me so I would just have to wait until the period was over.

Damn you, Math class, for being 50 minutes long! Speaking of which, class was a total blur that day. Something to do with algebra (X+Y = something or other)? I couldn’t get my crash encounter with Justin and my measly yes thank you out of my head.

The following are some of my inner thoughts during class that day:

Why didn’t I say more? For crying out loud, why didn’t I flirt with him? Flip my hair? Bat my eyelashes? Say something sarcastic and funny? Smile at least? Why couldn’t I just be myself? But I knew why. My nerves had gotten the best of me. I had transformed into Shy Girl once again and that girl didn’t like talking to anybody!

Justin, ahhhh Justin. How do I describe such a hottie? He was everything I was attracted to in a guy, well looks wise, at least. Around 6 feet tall, with dark brown hair, green eyes, handsome, chiseled features, broad shoulders and an athletic build, he was, in my mind, one of the best looking guys in school. I first noticed him about six weeks ago walking in the hall, and I sometimes saw him, okay more like gawked at him, walking to his car after school. I did my best to find out everything about him.

Here’s the scoop:

-He’d only been at our school for about two months or so.

-He was on the lacrosse team (I was never into any kind of sports before but found myself cheering on the team every chance I got).

-He worked at the surf shop just a few blocks away from my school (me and Shy Girl didn’t have the nerve to show up there).

-Last but definitely not least, as far as anyone knew, he didn’t have a girlfriend. Not that that would ever make a difference since I didn’t have any hopes of the two of us getting together. I thought he was way out of my league and wouldn’t look twice at a girl like me. Besides, that fear of speaking to cute guys would rear its ugly head anyway.

When I wasn’t thinking about my Justin Encounter, my mind would wander to my Psychology term paper. With Monday being the deadline for topics, I had to come up with my subject and fast! RIING!! Finally! The last bell for the school day rang. Thanks, Sound Effects Guy, and thank goodness it was Friday!

The School Bus: I detested taking the bus home. Besides the utter and complete humiliation of actually having to take the bus to and from school, there was another reason for my disdain. Since my locker was two whole buildings away from where the buses waited after school, I was usually one of the last students to get on the bus.

Me being Shy Girl and all, I couldn’t stand anyone looking at me for any period of time, and just the thought of having to walk down the long aisle to find a seat, while everyone seemed to be glaring at me, caused me great anxiety. If I could walk down the aisle with my eyes closed, I would. I always felt so self-conscious. Why couldn’t I get over that?

Getting on the bus and looking up just long enough to find Melissa, aka Mel, who always saved me a seat, I sat down with my usual feeling of gratitude and relief. Thank goodness for best friends!

I then proceeded to tell her about the Justin incident, and Mel replied, I can’t believe all you said was ‘yes thank you!’ Well, it was more like mumbled. She was just being nice about it. Jen, I swear. Sometimes I think you are a lost cause. You could have introduced yourself at least!

I blushed all over again. But you know what I’m like, Mel. I freeze up whenever I see him. I freeze up whenever I see any cute guy! It’s one of my best qualities! At least I could joke about it. We both laughed. I continued, I hate being so shy. I never know what to say! I wish I was more like you, Miss Social Butterfly.

Melissa giggled. Don’t worry Jen, I’ll be your How to Talk to A Cute Guy Guru. We’ll start off with the basics and then go from there. The Student has much to learn from the Master. We both laughed, harder and louder. Yes, I know, we’re such goofs!

Okay Guru Mel, can my first lesson be over a snack at my house? I’m starving! We hopped off the bus and headed over to my house.

I sometimes wondered why Melissa was even friends with me since we were so different from each other. Shy and quiet and more of an observer, I didn’t like all eyes on me and much preferred being a wallflower than the life of the party. Melissa was the exact opposite. Outgoing, flirtatious and bubbly, she was one of the most popular girls in our class.

Despite our major differences, Melissa was a really good friend and truly cared about me. We had known each other since the sixth grade, and when she found out that my Dad had died that year, she was really there for me and we have been best friends ever since.

Mel was super pretty. She had jet black long, silky straight hair, almost down to her waist, and stunning aquamarine colored eyes. She was tall and slender with an olive toned complexion, and her smile could melt the heart of any guy. Basically, she pretty much looked like a swimsuit supermodel.

She’d been approached by modeling agencies before, sometimes just walking in the mall or on the beach, but she would always turn them down saying that modeling was not her thing. Could you believe? Anyway, she was my best friend and I knew why...because we balanced each other out.

Stomachs growling, we headed straight for the kitchen. Popping some frozen chicken nuggets into the microwave, I grabbed two sodas from the fridge and handed one to Melissa. So Guru Melissa, tell me, what’s my first lesson?

Her reply was in her usual sarcastic and joking tone. Well first, whenever one bumps into a cute guy causing one’s books to go flying everywhere thereby allowing said cute guy to show his chivalry by picking up said books, one should at least speak in an audible tone when saying ‘thank you’ to said cute guy.

It was my turn to giggle. Thanks for the sarcasm, Guru. You’re the best teacher ever! I give this lecture a two thumbs up. We both laughed, hysterically, I might add. DING! The nuggets were done so we took our drinks and the plate of nuggets into the family room to sit, chat and munch.

Just as Melissa was about to continue her tutoring session in The Art Of Talking to Cute Boys 101, my little sister, Sophia, and a couple of her friends came home from school. She and I were really close. Since Dad died, Mom has worked long hours as a nurse to help keep us afloat, and I have basically taken care of Sophie since she was little. She’s only 8 years old and still depends on me for a lot.

Everyone says that she is the exact replica of me: long chestnut brown hair, petite and slender with an olive colored skin tone, except her eyes are green and mine are hazel. I hoped we didn’t look exactly alike! Looking like a 12 year old boy was hard enough so I certainly didn’t want to look like an 8 year old!

Besides, I thought Sophia was much prettier than I, and our personalities could not be any more different. We were polar opposites of each other. She was a lot more like Mel: friendly, bubbly, and outgoing and also quite precocious. The two of them got along great.

I offered Sophie and her friends, Beth and Zoe, some drinks and snacks, and we all sat down and started chatting about what we were going to do that weekend. I asked the three of them about the pool party they were supposed to go to that Saturday, and Sophia replied, Oh we’re not going.

Why not?

Because we don’t want the boys to see us in our swimsuits! That’s why!

Mel and I looked at each other in disbelief. Are you kidding me? I asked. But why?

I hate how I look in my bikini! My tummy sticks out and I’m fat! responded Sophie.

Zoe and Beth chimed in with a Me too! and a Yeah, my tummy is big and my legs look fat!

I was horrified! But you guys are only 8 years old! I mean, Sophie, just four years ago you were wearing floaties in the pool!

So what does that have to do with anything? she replied, a little embarrassed by what I had said.

I’m just saying that you’re way too young to be thinking about stuff like that! Besides, you look great and you’re not by any means fat. But who cares anyway? I paused. I wanted to make sure I was saying the right thing.

Sophie, it doesn’t matter what you look like. What matters is the type of person you are…who you are on the inside. Look, this is what you’re going to do, you’re going to go to that party tomorrow and you’re going to enjoy yourselves. Don’t worry about how you look and, please, don’t worry about what the boys might think of you either. Why deprive yourselves of having a good time with your friends? Just go and have fun!

Sophia sighed and said, Okay, okay, I’ll think about it.

Well don’t think too hard. Do me a favor and go? I promise you won’t regret it.

Sophia looked at her two friends, and they all nodded. Alright, Jen, I’ll go, but I’m not promising that I’ll wear my swimsuit! Beth and Zoe nodded their heads in agreement.

When Sophie and her friends went to her room to watch movies, Melissa whispered, That was some great advice you gave your sister about it not mattering what she looks like and all...but um...maybe we should follow such wonderful and eye opening advice too, huh?

I know. I know, I replied. It’s just that I don’t want her to ever have to worry about her looks and what boys might think of her, especially at her age!

Later that night, I couldn’t get my mind off what my little sister had said. I couldn’t believe that girls Sophia’s age actually thought about stuff like that. Stuff that my friends and I worried about all the time! I don’t ever remember thinking about my looks when I was 8!

Pressure at that age about the way you looked? That should be outlawed! What made me feel even worse was that I may have contributed to her thinking that way because of all the negative things I’ve said about myself in front of her.

When my Mom woke up from her I Work Night Shifts as a Nurse to Help Keep My Family Afloat Slumber, I told her about what Sophia had said. Mom replied, It doesn’t really surprise me, Jennifer.

Why? She’s too young to be thinking like that!

Yes, hun, but who do you think she looks up to? Who do you think she wants to be like? I’m sure she’s heard you and your friends talking about being too fat, or too skinny or being too flat chested or whatever, she replied, inadvertently looking at my chest as she said this.

MOM!!

Er, sorry, she replied sheepishly.

My Mom made me feel even guiltier, so of course I responded in a defensive tone, So you’re telling me it’s all my fault? But you say insecure things all the time too, Mom! I’m not the only one to blame here.

You’re right, honey, she sighed. It’s not just all our fault either. There’s so much pressure on us as women, and you girls too, to look perfect and to act a certain way. You know: big boobs, being thin, physically fit, looking forever young while at the same time not being too outspoken, or too independent or intelligent or whatever. It’s overwhelming sometimes. It’s enough to make any woman feel insecure.

That’s when I had my epiphany. You know, that metaphorical light bulb that we all have in our heads that occasionally, when you least expect it, lights up all shiny and bright and big? I jumped off the kitchen stool I was sitting on, and with my finger pointing in the air, I shouted, That’s it! That’s what I’m going to write about!

CHAPTER 2-THE TERM PAPER

I scared the living daylights out of my Mom, who, as a result, spilled her newly poured cup of hot coffee all over the kitchen counter. What on earth are you talking about, Jen? she asked, pointing to the spilled coffee for me to clean up.

My Psychology term paper, Mom! I’m going to write about self-esteem for girls my age, and for younger girls too: how we can improve our self-esteem and become more confident in ourselves!

That’s a great idea, hun! We can all do with a little more self-confidence and um....as we found out this evening, we definitely need a self-esteem overhaul in this household, she replied. Jen, I want you to put your all into this. I think it’s such a great topic, especially for a girl your age to write about. Plus, if you get an A, you know what that means?

HAWAII BABY!! WOOHOO!! I yelled with excitement.

Since Mom had to work the night shift again that night, I had to stay home and babysit. It never really bothered me though. My Mom worked hard so whenever I was able to help, I would. I guess I’ve been avoiding this, but I think it’s time I broach the subject of my Dad and how he died.

Dad was an alcoholic. Early one morning after driving home drunk from partying all night, he hit a tree head on with his car. He died right there on the spot. I was 11 years old when it happened and Sophie was only 3. It devastated my Mom. She loved him dearly, despite the way he used to put her down all the time. Well, when he was drunk at least. He wasn’t like that when he was sober, but when he got drunk, watch out, because he would go on a huge rampage.

Whenever he would start yelling at her and throwing any and every object he could possibly get his hands on, I would grab Sophie and hide us in my closet. It was pretty scary, especially for little Sophie. What made it worse was that once he sobered up, he would apologize for the way he acted.

He was the sweetest guy when he was sober so that’s why my Mom clung on to him so for so long, even though she knew that he would become a monster once again whenever he drank. It was a vicious cycle.

It took such a toll on her when he died, but she tried to stay strong for Sophie and me. She worked so hard now because he left her with a mountain of debt. Thank goodness for my Uncle Erik, his wife, Lani, and my cousin, Sara. We became very close to them after my Dad’s death.

Sara truly did become like an older sister to me, and my Uncle and Aunt were there for my Mom emotionally and even helped out a bit financially too. When they moved to Hawaii, it was hard on all of us and we missed them so much. So that’s what happened with my Dad. It’s still really hard for me to talk about so let’s move on….

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program, Self-Esteem and the Shy Teenage Girl Who Doesn’t Know What the Hell to Say Around Cute Boys:

So now you know why I don’t mind staying home on a Friday night to babysit my little sister. Besides, I had a term paper to write. Let me rephrase that, I had an A term paper to write, so I had to get cracking!

I went online that very same night and started doing some research. Before I knew it, it was already passed 1am. Saving all the information I had found, I hoped that Mr. Sanders, my Psychology teacher, would approve my topic that Monday.

For the first time this year...heck...let’s get real...for the first time ever...I was actually excited about doing my school work. I couldn’t wait to begin writing my paper! Oh please, Universe, please make Mr. Sanders give me the thumbs up on my subject!

The next afternoon, my sister and her friends did go to the pool party and, yes, they wore their swimsuits and, yes, they had a blast. I was so happy that Sophie went, and she was too.

While she was at the party, Mel, myself, and our third counterpart to our mighty trio, my other best friend, Ariana, went to the movies to