Breakfast with Iggy: Lies My Wife’s Cat Told Me

By Fred Canevari Jr.

These stories are a collection of true and nearly true adventures of many different cats. They are tales of things that I have witnessed with my own two eyes. They are stories that have been told to me, and they are stories derived from a deeply deranged mind due to all the catnip abuse I had been subjected to by having cats as friends.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483528526

Book preview

Cats.

CHAPTER ONE

(IGGY'S CHRISTMAS)

Cats have no sense of humor when the joke is on them. Do something that makes a cat look ridiculous, and you'll pay for it forever. For example, one Christmas I decided to dress up my wife's cat Iggy for Christmas card pictures. Photos of Iggy are not rare and are not a problem normally…. However, a photo of Iggy with tinfoil reindeer antlers and a red velvet tree skirt as a robe are very rare indeed. After forty-five minutes of fussing and fuming, Iggy began to make it quite clear that he was less than pleased with the way this photo shoot was going. Out of six rolls of film the only shot that came out was the one where Iggy sank his teeth into my hand deep enough to draw a lot of blood. I admitted defeat finally when Iggy ripped off the antlers and ravaged the tree skirt in the way only another cat could appreciate.

After cleaning up bits of tinfoil and burning what was left of the tree skirt, I thought that everything could go back to normal. I was wrong.

Iggy made the next few weeks very difficult. I spent most of my time cleaning hairballs out of my work boots and spraying a lot of Lysol on my clothing. The only thing that saved me was the arrival of the Christmas tree. Iggy did NOT like the Christmas tree. To Iggy, the Christmas tree was an evil being sent from hell to destroy him.

The first confrontation took place the day the tree arrived. At first, Iggy didn't realize the evil intent of the tree, and tried to make friends by climbing the tree. The tree wanted none of that and promptly fell over onto Iggy, trapping him in a tangle of very sappy branches.

Did you know that cats are capable of quite clearly swearing loudly and prolonged when tormented? Iggy's vocabulary would have made proud some of the loading dockworkers I've known. In an unthinking attempt at rescue, I ran to Iggy's aid and as I reached my hand into the tangled sticky mass of tree needles, Iggy sank his teeth into my already injured hand.

Did you know that I am capable of swearing quite clearly and prolonged when tormented? I can. I did. After delivering a few well-deserved kicks to a nearby innocent piece of furniture, I went out to the back yard and got a very thick, very nasty looking piece of wood. My wife, misunderstanding my intention of freeing her cat, and feeling that I was about to do some major alterations to the shape of Iggy's head, ran to me and, grabbing my arm, sank her teeth into my hand until I dropped the stick. Iggy in the meantime had freed himself from the clutches of the evil Douglas fir and