999 Bees in My Bonnet: A Collection of Irritating Irritants

By Bill Linden

Bill Linden's been a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king (not to mention gag writer for major comic strips and Chicago Sun Times art director!). He's been up and down and over and out, but he knows one thing: each time he finds himself flat on his face, Bill picks himself up and gets back in the race.

Bill's many adventures have taught him a lot—about what drives him nuts! He's excited to share, for your reading pleasure, 999 Bees in My Bonnet: A Collection of Irritating Irritants.

Whether it's the double-crossing staff at Traitor Joe’s, reptile dysfunction, "Northern" fried chicken, or seven-year jock itch, Bill's got a gripe to crack you up. There may be bees in his bonnet, but boy, are they makin' honey!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bill Linden
• Release date: Mar 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310247521

Bill Linden

Bill's occupations in previous lives include being a bitter and disillusioned graphic designer/art director for the Chicago Sun-Times, a bitter and disillusioned Hollywood screenwriter and a bitter and disillusioned gag writer for major comic strips. Bill's been a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king. Bill's been up and down and over and out, but he knows one thing—each time he finds himself flat on his face, Bill picks himself up and gets back in the race.When not writing gags, photographing Chicago or being bitter and disillusioned, Bill finds his charity work with the elderly quite rewarding. Once a week he takes his dear, feeble, white-haired mother, Josephine, to Denny's for a "Moons Over My Hammy".Bill has no vices. His hobbies include smoking, drinking and Facebooking 24/7.Bill lives way beyond his means with his current sexy redheaded missus, Karen, in a fancy-but- not-schmancy downtown Chicago hi-rise run by Hitler's Youth.Bill lives by the motto, "If you can't beat 'em, mock 'em, then ridicule 'em on the Facebook Social Media Network until they unfriend and block you."

Book preview

999 Bees in My Bonnet: A Collection of Irritating Irritants

By Bill Linden

Cover Illustration and Bees by John Michael Downs

Cover Design by Susan Randstrom

Copyright 2014 by Bill Linden

Smashwords Edition

All Rights Reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

To Bee or Not To Bee?

Let It Bee

Bee-lieve it or Not!

Bee-hind the 8-Ball

Bee That As It May

Bee Witched, Bothered and Bee Wildered

Don't Worry. Bee Happy.

It Could Bee Worse

Bee-n there. Done That.

Bee-alls and End-alls

Bill’s Bio

Bee-fore you go

Dedication

To the Almond to my Joy, the Remy to my Bumppo, the Lucy to my Ricky, my beautiful and long-suffering wife Karen Randolph (AKA The Missus) who foolishly remarries me every New Year's Eve even though she and I both know she can do much better. Mwah!

To the lovable lunatics of Mr. Bill Nation whom I amuse, inform, delight and offend almost hourly on the Facebook Social Media Network.

And finally to my major domo, Emma Sanders, whose tireless efforts exorcised this opus out of my bonnet and into an affordable ebook for you countless discerning millions to enjoy. Thank you, Em!

Introduction

First, THANK YOU for buying this book!

Second, I'd like to tell you a little about myself before I tell you a whole shitload more about myself. I have an inner drama queen and an outer drama queen. Their names are Ziegfried and Roy. They are able to sniff out any perceived sleight, injustice, unfairness, inequity, corruption, cruelty, tyranny, repression, exploitation, bias, prejudice, and/or discrimination (I just love the Thesaurus, don't you?) exercised against me, you, your loved ones, my hated ones, whatever!

The first bee in my bonnet occurred on October 13, 1947, during my baptism at the Maternity B.V.M. Catholic Church in the Humboldt Park area of Chicago. (Source: Bill Linden's Big Book Of Bullshit, Downright Lies and Fancy Schmancy Fabrications—coming soon to an ebook dealer near you!) The first non-literal bee occurred seconds later when, only 6 weeks old, I realized I was in a @$#@! public church when I COULD be at HOME dining sumptuously on my mommy's ample bosoms! Obviously, I was furious and vowed then and there to keep track of these bees throughout my life until someday, like explosive diarrhea, I could release them into the wild and into your loving electronic reading device hands. Of course, after 66 years, there were many more than 999 but hey, there's gotta bee a 999 MORE Bees In My Bonnet book, right? 'Scuse me while I buzz off to amuse you! Enjoy!

Bill Linden, Chicago, February 8, 2014

To Bee or Not To Bee?

#1: My iPod (I get tired of listening to the same 20,000 songs over and over again).

#2: Dentists-Schmentists! I go to tanning salons to make my teeth look whiter.

#3: My precious grandchildren boring their little friends with thousands and thousands of pictures of me and Grandma.

#4: Lathering. Rinsing. Repeating. Lathering. Rinsing. Repeating.

#5: People who dress up as the Grim Reaper and go visit nursing homes.

#6: Finding the plot points and cinematography quite amateurish in the traffic safety film I was required to watch by Illinois law.

#7: Not following through on my brilliant get rich quick ex-spouse piñata idea.

#8: All the bees in Nancy Grace's bonnet. (And let me assure you, it's a whole fucking lot more than