Out of Stock, Sir!

By Perry Gamsby

A hilarious collection of observations of everyday life for an Expat in the Philippines, seen through the eyes of The Anonymous Bear. Everyone has an anonymous them, an alter ego. Someone within who says the things they want to say and does what they dare not do as themselves. In this collection of essays, as told to Perry Gamsby, author of the StreetWise Philippines series of best selling expat guides to the Philippines we explore the irreverent, the ridiculous, the sublime aspects of living in this fascinating country

• Language: English
• Publisher: StreetWise Publications
• Release date: Jan 11, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310405570

Book preview

OUT OF STOCK SIR!

A COLLECTION OF IRREVERENT OBSERVATIONS OF LIFE IN THE PHILIPPINES BY THE ANONYMOUS BEAR

As Told To

Perry Gamsby

Published by StreetWise Publications,

22 Waikanda Cres,

Whalan, NSW 2770

Australia

Email: [e-mail]

Web: http://streetwisepublications.info

Copyright Perry Gamsby 2004-2014

Author- Gamsby, Perry 1961-

ISBN

All Rights Reserved

Smashwords Edition, License Statement

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Contents

Introduction

Out Of Stock Sir!

I Don’t Care What Your Name Is!

Hot Diggety Dog!

Hog Entrail Stuffer, The Brand For Me!

What Are Mates For?

Do You Feel A Sense Of Rootedness?

My Own Personal Fan Club

Little Boxes Made Of Ticky Tacky And They All Look Just The Same

It's Gotta Be True, Its On TV

The Stepford Shoppers

Stop Calling Me ‘Trike!’

Electric Missionaries

What Am I Doing This For?

Be Careful Of What You Wish!

Even Bears Get Writer’s Block!

There’s No Place Like Home!

Introduction

Welcome! Everyone has an Anonymous Bear in their lives. That’s the alter ego character that gets to do and say all the things you would do and say if you weren’t so worried about what people might say or think about you. Well my Anonymous Bear doesn’t give a plugged centavo!

I trust you will get a giggle from these pages. Don’t take anything too seriously and absolutely none of it personally. I do take the urine out of most things but my favourites are the establishment, the catholic church incorporated (But not Catholics or Catholicism), the sublime and the ridiculous and anything that takes my fancy.

The title says it all for me about the Philippines, the missed potential and the sad reality that nobody really cares what happens to a country full of basically lovely and loveable people. Many a true word is often spoken in jest so read between the lines now and then, ok na lang?

Cheers, The Anonymous Bear,

Talisay, Cebu, Philippines, April 2013

Out Of Stock Sir!

We shall begin with a poem. Skip to the next chapter if doggerel isn’t your thing!

The other day I went to play at the Gaisano House of Fakes

Watches, shoes, shirts and trews and purple iced sponge cakes

Spills on floor beside the door are fanned to make them dry

But ask for something particular and the girl will make you cry!

I’m sorry sir we’re out of stock, of that there is no more

Perhaps next week we’ll have what you seek

Please sir, don’t be sore!

A week does pass and back your arse does go to the Gaisano place

All agog with joy they’ll have your toy down the center aisle you race

The sweet girl sees you coming and knows her days are few

For foreigners don’t understand the reality like Flips do

Out of stock does not always mean that none of them is here

It’s an easy out to avoid the shout, Incompetence! My dear!

You can’t blame the Dong whose six month long, tenure is all he’s got

Why should he try harder, or risk his brain will rot?

Forgive them their trespasses, in their heads are more than rocks

But take it not so personally, when they say they’re out of stocks!

By thinking hard for others he may use up all his clues

By saying out of stock sir, he just gives us all the poos!

I Don’t Care What Your Name Is!

Holy Hell Week here in the Philippines is a fun time for us Anonymous Bears. We get to watch penitents whip themselves raw and bloody. All while enjoying a cold beer, great sport. You see this country is Strict Mick, catholic in other words. I’m not a fan of them myself, catholics that is, but they do provide us fence sitters with some decent entertainment from time to time. Like Perry, I am an Agnostic. I don’t say