The Wolfkey Chronicles

By Wolfman and Monkey

This hilarious book contains a collection of short stories based on the wild adventures of Wolfman and Monkey. Most of the stories are based on real events, but even their awesome true stories cannot hinder the boundless creativity of these adventurers! The best in fiction and adventure all wrapped into one action-packed package, get your copy today!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wolfman and Monkey
• Release date: Nov 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781310190834

Book preview

The Wolfkey Chronicles

Sethy Wolfman Billyard

And Josie Monkey Willuweit

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Seth Billyard and Josie Willuweit

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold

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please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did

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of these authors.

Table of Contents

To Awesome Or Not to Awesome

Piña Pool

Batventure!

The Rainforest Room

A Monkey In A Barrel

Code Red

The Epic Treasure

Chugga Chugga, Don’t Shoot!

Señor Tea is a Douchebag

The Ark of Awesome

Psychotic Blonde

The Rainbow Blades of Death

A Giant’s Breakfast

The FMA’s

Mushroom Mushroom

The Magical Tie Named Zeke

Pineapple Bombs

Gender Studies

Pacman Does It

Curfew

Z*8#@ Ninjas

Not So Gainfully Employed

Midnight Ransack

Appendix Of Awesome

A note to our mothers (all other readers may skip ahead):

Mom, I told you not to read this book! Seriously, I even made you write it down and sign it in your own blood! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Please stop reading this immediately and give it back to the bookstore you stole it from. And definitely do not read the inappropriate stuff. Which is all of it. Seriously Mom, either throw the book away or light it on fire (except if you already gave it back to the bookstore) and STOP READING THIS! Thanks.

-Wolfman and Monkey

PS I love you. And I know not listening because you read the PS.

The Wolfkey Chronicles

To Awesome Or Not To Awesome

Wolfman the Amazingly Adventurous found himself paddling merrily in a giant lake. While he paddled and splashed, his mate Monkey started screeching happily and pointed out to the water.

Look! A jet ski! She cried, pulling on his fur.

Why yes... Yes it is, Wolfman agreed upon further inspection. Out there in the middle of the lake was a woman in a blue life jacket racing over the surface of the water... On a jet ski. Wolfman instantly realized he wanted to steal the jet ski and swam into the water past the swimming buoys. But when he started to drown he swam back, instead splashing by the shore. Later he turned to Monkey and asked How do you presume one would get a jet ski?"

I don't know. Let's ride a roller coaster! She replied. So they ran out of the water, over the sand, through the trees, and into the nearby theme park.

After riding many rides too many they bribed the Ferris wheel operator to stop the ride with them at the top... And leave it stopped. There, amidst much kissing and throwing of objects at the people below, they realized there was a tiki hut surrounded by jet skis just outside the walls of the park. Wolfman whipped out his binoculars but could not see any tactical information about the prices or risk of death. He asked Monkey how much it would cost to ride one and she smacked him (her way of saying she didn't know the answer). So they went back to kissing until the nice Ferris wheel operator finished reading the entirety of his book.

Finally they walked out of the park and wandered about, only vaguely remembering what they were searching for. When they saw it and said in unison, Why look, what a strange looking building they suddenly remembered their mission. I wonder how much that costs! Wolfman asked aloud. They then bounced into the tiki hut and asked the very casual surfer dude exactly that.

Well bros... It's 100 bucks the guy said, tipping up his shades to get a look at the surprisingly talkative animals.

Suddenly a huge monster appeared, its tentacles flailing over the hut, tossing the building into darkness. Wolfman jumped back and Monkey hopped onto him, wrapping her arms around his face so he could no longer see what was happening. After some muffled growling she noticed his predicament and let go, only to reveal...

Wolfman's inner voice! The giant tentacles of conscience started reaching into the hut...

Wolfman... you shouldn't spend your money on something so fleeting... The giant octopus rumbled, its voice rolling through the tiny shack, even as its tendrils reached inside. You should save that money... You should invest it... This isn't safe. You've never done this before. Do you really trust Monkey to drive?

Wolfman looked at Monkey. Then he looked at the surfer dude, who had taken a casual glance at the monster before flipping open his magazine.

We'll do it! Wolfman yelled. And he jumped onto the jet ski, revved her up, and sped off into the distance.

...he returned shortly to fetch Monkey.

Piña Pool

One day, Monkey and Wolfman The Adventurous were visiting Adventureland Park. They rode roller coasters and logs and kissed on the sky glider and drank lemonade. Finally they found themselves in a pool ordering drinks from a bar in the water. The water was freezing! And as badly as they wanted to make out, they could not! Because there were children in the water making fun of them for being drunk.

Monkey turned to Wolfman. Why can't we have our own pool? She asked. With our own bar and everything!

Wolfman didn't even have to contemplate! Whenever someone started a sentence with Why can't... He knew the answer...

We can! He yelled, startling both the children and the other patrons at the bar.

He immediately whipped out his waterproof calculator and started punching in numbers, most of which he made up. 50,000 for a pool, 30,000 for a bar, 20,000 a year for each on-staff bartender...

But the more he calculated the more he realized... This would take at least sixth months! Even if he hired a construction crew TODAY he couldn't be swimming in his own pool by tomorrow afternoon. So he grabbed Monkey by the hand, dragged her out of the water, sprinted past the rides of the park, leapt over the gate, and launched away (still wet) in the Wolfmobile outside.

As soon as they left the park Wolfy realized that he was hungry again. This tends to happen every half hour to an hour for him, so neither Monkey nor Wolfman were surprised. Instead they stopped at the local Walgreens where he bought chocolate milk, chips, and other edible things like wine bottles. But then he saw it! There, on sale because summer was drawing to a close... Was a pool!

He bought it and left. Monkey had to go home for a couple of days to protect the children in her area from giant trolls. But when she returned, Wolfman was ready! There in the yard was a giant (kiddie) pool and two piña coladas served in broken coconuts. He grinned from ear to ear and Monkey gave him a BIG hug. Then they splashed around in their pool while the construction team started making the other pool nearby.

Batventure!

Wolfman was sneaking stealthily into his girlfriend's house by crawling through the crack under her door. Once he got his snout under the door he felt an epic crushing pressure on his nose and yelped in pain.

Oh, sorry! Mama Monkey apologized, realizing what she had done. Wolfman slithered the rest of the way through the door, tears forming in his eyes.

How could you? He asked, much in the manner of a wounded puppy dog.

Wolfman! Monkey yelled, plowing into his side with a leaping tackle.

Monkey! Wolfman replied. He grabbed her in a tight hug, completely forgetting his now doubled physical trauma.

Mama saw a bat and called the cops and the cops came and arrested him! Monkey greeted him excitedly.

What? Wolfman was sure he had misheard.

Yeah! Mama went to bed to find a bat flying around her room, indubitably searching for hidden treasure. But she screamed at the top of her lungs and then angrily dialed 911 and Officer Dude came over and whacked it with a baseball bat. Now the bat is at animal control for questioning.

I never would have thought of calling the cops... Wolfman admitted. Your mother is a genius!

But you shouldn't sleep here tonight, Mama Monkey interjected. "There could be more. He