The Psychology of Forgiveness

By Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

This ebook is about Forgiveness. Like Procrastination and Guilt, Forgiveness is a deep form of ambivalence and it negatively affects behavior, even though you won't find it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Not forgiving is one of those nagging little voices in the back of our minds that reminds us we have unfinished business. When you read this, if you hear it, you haven't forgiven.

I write about issues I see in the office as an outpatient psychologist, and Forgiveness, or lack thereof, is HUGE. It seems to be central to so many other problems, and related to dozens of others beyond those. It turns out Forgiveness plays a significant role in establishing mental equilibrium--read Mental Health. It interacts with anxiety and addictions, underlies procrastination and guilt, powers up assertiveness, immeasurably improves relationships, helps parents cope with kid's and teen's behaviors, lightens mood and greatly improves self-esteem.

How could this one "condition" do all that? Well, that's the subject of this ebook.

I start out by defining Forgiveness, and the underlying ambivalence it embodies. Next are the six reasons we SHOULD forgive, followed by the top ten reasons we DON'T WANT TO forgive. Notice there are more reasons to resist Forgiveness than to yield...This is the way we are wired. To undo and redo this bias in our makeup, we have to work the stages. There are six stages of Forgiveness, with an optional seventh.

The next section gives in-depth examples of real people struggling with real issues and trying to forgive. I walk you through the seven stages with each case, showing how to do it.

Then, just for fun, I talk about some COMMON examples, like dealing with the DMV, telephone companies, insurance companies (my personal favorites) and drivers.

Then the subject gets serious again. I cover when and how to work with apologies, paying penance and faith.

What about Self-Forgiveness? This is a big one, and may be the best reason to look seriously at this ebook. I take you through the six (or seven) stages of Forgiveness and apply the same process to Self, using one aspect of self to heal the other. I include a simple format to self-analyze using SOAP (source, object, aim and pressure). This makes identifyiing issues much easier. Again, there are examples.

Lastly, there is a general discussion in which I discuss the most common reasons people fail to forgive. These involve fuzzy ways of thinking, not seeing things deeply enough, failures during the early stages of the work, distortions and the like. Defects in self-esteem can contaminate the process, so there is a little detour into how to fix that, although I've written another ebook on just that (The Four Powers of Self Esteem--also on this website). What is the relationship between Forgiveness, ego-strength and addiction dynamics? I finish with this and a comment on how Forgiveness paradoxically increases assertiveness.

As usual, the first Appendix has some meaningful and a few hilarious quotes on Forgiveness.

Like my other publications, this ebook has no fat. It has 39 pages. Think of it as a "Cliffs Notes" publication.

Nobody has published what I present as the glue that makes these concepts work. I think this is why my ebooks do a better job. It's process as well as content driven. The theory I espouse is different from standard explanations or other literature in this field. It works better. I know, because I've been using it with clients for years. I've put together a hard hitting, direct "How To" manual. My research has not turned up another ebook that does what mine does.
Ebooks are replacing standard books because they are easier and quicker to obtain. There is a need for immediate information, reasonably priced. I've priced this ebook to be at least twenty percent undermarket, considering what bookstores charge and the trav...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.
• Release date: Apr 6, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301570027

Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

I'm a psychologist. I write no-fat, how-to ebooks on subjects and conditions I fix everyday in the office. These include relationships, being assertive, struggling with guilt and/or procrastination, children and teenager's behavior, anxiety disorders, anger management, kids and divorce, self-esteem, child visitation, weight control, forgiveness, ADHD, addictions, and my latest, mood disorders. I've written 15 ebooks, and most of them are translated into Spanish. Now, I'm starting to write a book, "The Other Side of the Couch." It's about my daily experiences as an outpatient psychologist and how I see the world through the lense of a shrink...

Book preview

The Psychology of

FORGIVENESS

by

Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D.

A PSYCHOLOGICAL CORPORATION

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page22.html

April 2013

Published by Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D. at Smashwords

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This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this ebook and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Table of Contents

Disclaimer

Definitions

Why We Should Forgive

Why We Don’t Want to Forgive

Stages of Forgiveness

Case Examples

Common Examples

Other Aspects

Self Forgiveness

Discussion

Appendix A (Quotes)

Appendix B (Other ebooks by this author)

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DISCLAIMER

This ebook is written to assist those who wish to learn about forgiveness. The information given is straightforward and written in ordinary English. The information is presented in a manner that is not too technical (clinical) or overwhelming in detail, even though some terms and concepts are necessary. It is intended to be used by adults of reasonably sound mental states who wish to change and hopefully improve their behaviors or perhaps others in the area of forgiveness. This ebook uses psychological techniques that are well known, in the standard literature or that have been created, adapted and/or modified by this author through years of outpatient clinical experience.

The material in this ebook conforms to the general standards of the psychiatric and psychological professions in the United States. It is designed to assist people in general and is not meant to be a substitute for professional intervention. The author of this ebook does not claim the enclosed information will cure forgiveness problems, only that it will give the reader a better sense of the general range of ideas, concepts, terms and approaches in this area. Hence it is assumed that the reader has some normal or average competence and ability to read, think about and understand materials of this nature, and will seek professional help if necessary.

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FORGIVENESS

DEFINITIONS: First things first. Here are some definitions:

Forgiveness: Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment (anger), indignation or hurt as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.

The concept and benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, forgiveness may be granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or deceased). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology, and/or restitution, or even to ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to forgive.

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an underlying basis for many varying modern day traditions and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, while others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another. Others make little or no distinction between human and/or divine forgiveness.

The more purely psychological definition is similar. Interpersonal forgiveness is a willingness to abandon one's inclination to harbor resentment, hurt, negative judgment or indifference towards one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love towards him or her. To paraphrase one developmental psychologist, forgiveness is giving up the resentment or hurt to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled.

I think there is an additional aspect. Forgiveness is a psychological dilemna, which is based upon ambivalence.

Ambivalence: We all suffer from internal conflicts every day; some big, some little. Some conflicts are between ideas, concepts and values, while others are only between feelings. Some are conscious, some unconscious. In all cases, the irresolution of the conflict sponsors indecisiveness. The subjective experience is, It doesn’t feel good. It creates a sense of uneasiness. In my trade, it is said, we compensate or defend against this anxiety; that is, we try to deal with it. Our training and experience determines the style (form and function) of the behaviors that express the conflict, as well as the psychological defenses we employ. These psychological states, or subjective experiences of these conflicts, are what I call The Ambivalences.

Ambivalence is very common. It is a subclinical phenomenon; meaning, not a mental illness. In the field of psychology, it manifests in three very big and very common areas—procrastination, guilt and forgiveness. We all experience them.

An on-line search produced the following for the word ambi:

"…A prefix occurring in loanwords from Latin, meaning both (ambiguous) and around(ambient); used in the formation of compound words."

And what is valence?

"…The psychological value of an object, event, person, goal, region, etc. in the life space of an individual…negative and positive for the valence of things avoided and sought after, respectively."

The term valence is actually not very good, because it comes from chemistry, which is a hard science; whereas, psychology is not. In chemistry, valence is said to reflect the tendency, strength and/or capability to bond, as in two elements, chemical or molecules. In psychology, valence reflects the attraction or repulsion of feelings and ideas, which determine behavior. Such attractions and repulsions can be weak or strong, conscious or unconscious.

Put ambi and valence together and we get ambivalence. One definition is the following:

"The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions."

A more detailed psychology definition of ambivalence includes the following:

"A tendency to ‘flip-flop’ one’s feelings or attitudes about a