The After-Hero

By Gabriel Archer

If you're looking for selfless heroes, true love, adventures on the high seas and heroic sacrifices you should go back to reading the Bible. If you're looking for a neurotic protagonist in a trench coat who is willing to become a villain to defeat the villain (and just for fun), if you want to read about a man who compensates for his shortcomings with a short-barreled shotgun and gratuitous violence, if you want to LOL, then this is the story for you. Would you like to see what's under the trench coat, little girl?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gabriel Archer
• Release date: Oct 15, 2012

Gabriel Archer

Captain Gabriel Archer, IX, Ph. D., Esq. is a world-class lothario. There is a high probability that he slept with your wife or - if you are a beautiful woman - you. Mr. Archer is an expert marksman and can shoot an a amoeba off a fly's head. He practices law in NYC for fun. He is the first sword of the Empire. He endorses self-reliance over political candidates. His hobbies include your wife (or, quite possibly, you, Mrs. Dear Reader); writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Jack Canaan; creating fictitious and utterly true autobiographies; and breathlessly staring at the mirror. He has an advance doctorate in armchair philosophy and has spent years learning to make armchairs from Buddhist monks high in Himalayan mountains. He looks striking in a tuxedo. Although warned many times not to, he went there. He also discovered Martha's Vineyard in 1602. Sir Jack Canaan ibn Hatzel, Sr., M. D. is a world-class lotahrio. There is a high probability that he slept with one of the women you know, or - if you are that woman - you. He is so pleasant that imaginary friends invented him for company. Dr. Canaan has worked for every single intelligence agency in the world, often double- and triple-crossing himself to the point that he remained loyal. He is a veteran of the First Angelic War and the Second Lebanese War. His hobbies include pleasing dear readers; writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Gabriel Archer; ripping wings off angels; and unmasking hypocrisies. Ancient Canaan is named after him. He once had a date with destiny, but stood her up in favor of ménage à trois with fate and karma. He does everything better naked.

Book preview

THE AFTER-HERO

by

Gabriel Archer & Jack Canaan

Smashwords Edition

Copyright©2012 MetaFic, Inc.

All rights reserved.

The crowd of unwashed peasants from the local village is holding its collective breath, and I am grateful, for truly, their breath is fetid. They're anticipating the grand appearance of the hero. No, not like that. Hero. The Hero. The Mr. Perfect. Mr. Flaxen-Hair-Flexing-Muscles. He had gone into the dragon's lair an hour ago and what followed were the echoing sounds of a majestic battle: angry roars; heroic, selfless proclamations; steel clashing against scales. Then those sounds ceased and it has been quiet for the last ten minutes or so. The villagers expect the best; I hope for the worst.

The crowd waits anxiously, afraid to believe that the hero might have finally rid them of the evil that has been terrorizing them for decades by systematically devouring their virgins/sheep/breakfast. I stand at the very back of the crowd, scratching my ass and contemplating my existential woes.

Truly, what is the difference between these heroes and me? Well yeah, they have snow-white chargers that fearlessly dive into battle while I have a ball-kicking donkey that shits himself whenever there's a loud noise nearby. And yeah, they have the supped up BMW's that turn into boats at a press of a button while I have a '77 Ford Pinto that explodes on impact when I back up. And they certainly have the newest spaceships equipped with wormhole generators and impenetrable cloaking devices, while my rocket has no landing gear and for some reason always appears as 'hostile' on any radar, regardless the language or alien species.

But all these outwardly differences don't really bother me as much as the undeniable fact that these heroes are always center