Stop Yelling, Start Listening: Understanding Your Middle School Child

By Darryl Sollerh

"Relatable examples with guidance fleshed out in clear explanations, which form an easily navigable roadmap...Never feels clinical...Sage advice for frustrated parents." -- Kirkus Reviews. Through their years of working with Middle Schoolers and their parents, Leslie king, LCSW, and Darryl Sollerh have developed a deeply compassionate yet realistic approach that takes into consideration both the parent and child's point of view. filled with examples, they examine the likely flashpoints for family conflicts, from Middle Schooler social lives to their homework habits, from their moodiness and misrepresentations to their calls for fairness, from their demands for independence to their need for dependence. King and Sollerh's approach, at heart, seeks to spark an empathetic awakening in both parent and child, not only as they each meet the initially difficult phases of any challenge or crisis, but also as they move into the future, guided by a new awareness capable of supporting their ongoing efforts to grow in a relationship of shared dialogs, mutual respect and deepening understanding. Or as King and Sollerh envision it: the dance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Darryl Sollerh
• Release date: Apr 25, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476231129

Darryl Sollerh

Raised in Los Angeles, Darryl Sollerh grew up with a deep appreciation for its diverse communities and cultures. He has taught Literature, and is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. His most recent works include "SHaDOW GAME", a FIRST PLACE WINNER in the Readers' Views Literary Awards as well as a First Horizon Award Finalist (Hoffer Awards), a CHOICE Award Winner, Rebecca Reads, and a Readers' Favorite Book Award Finalist. His "COWBOY AND INDIAN" received the SILVER MEDAL from Readers' Favorite Awards and his "ALIBIS OF THE HEART" is a Finalist in the Readers' Favorite Book Awards. His other critically praised novellas, including "TRANCER", "MINDFALL" and "EDDY FALLS", have been awarded FIVE STARS recommendations from Readers' Favorite Reviews and a "Recommended" rating from The US Review of Books. He currently lives in southern California with his wife and son. For more, visit wwwDarrylSollerh.com

Book preview

STOP YELLING, START LISTENING

Understanding your Middle School Child

A Compassionate, Practical Guide For Moms and Dads

by

Leslie King, LCSW, and Darryl Sollerh

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Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2010 Leslie King and Darryl Sollerh

All Rights Reserved

License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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With heartfelt gratitude and appreciation, we would like to thank all the children and parents who have shared their lives, struggles, triumphs, vulnerabilities and questions with us.

You have been our teachers.

We dedicate this guide to families of all sizes, shapes and kinds, and to

Tyler, Gregory, Alexander, Nuriat and Imran

with our love

In memory of Twaha Masaaba Mukoone

TABLE OF CONTENTS

FOREWORD

1. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

2. CHANGES: FRIENDS, BODIES, GRADES OR SCHOOLS

3. GOOD-BYE MY CHILD, HELLO ALIEN?

4. THEIR SOCIAL LIVES

5. COPING WHEN YOUR KID LIES

6. HOMEWORK AND GRADES

7. POPULAR...OR NOT SO MUCH?

8. PRIVACY, PLEASE!

9. ANGER, ANYONE??

10. PUNISHMENT?

11. RISKY BEHAVIORS

12. PARENTING TOGETHER, APART OR ALONE

13. MIDDLE SCHOOLER SAFETY IN A TECHY WORLD

14. BULLYING

15. HOLIDAYS AND SUMMER VACATIONS

16. SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE JOURNEY AHEAD

17. ABOUT US

18. PARENTAL RESOURCES

FOREWORD

Parenting is not about perfection. Rather, it is about giving your children your best you, and taking the lead in this dance in a way that will teach them how to lead their own dance openly, honestly, compassionately and responsibly.

When challenges or crises arrive, as they inevitably will, your first and best strategy is always to stop, take a step back, take a deep breath, and do whatever it takes to give yourself time enough to think.

You don't need to have the answer at that very moment. Give yourself the time and space to think calmly and clearly so that you can act accordingly, and not react to the feelings of urgency ignited by the moment.

Your response doesn't need to be perfect or ideal, so much as it needs to come from your grown-up's position of heartfelt responsibility and thoughtful authority. Remember: How you respond can be more far more important than what you say.

So first, seek to truly understand the reasons for your child's behavior before moving to prescribe consequences. Above all, and as tempting as it might be, do not turn a challenge into a crisis, or a crisis into a catastrophe.

To give our best, we can’t be off-balance, in anger, or reacting to something that may well stem from our own, unresolved life experiences.

In all ways, our advice keeps the long-term in mind, so we focus only on those strategies and insights that nourish growth and communication—even when the immediate, sometimes stress-filled concerns of Middle School may be difficult and confusing for both parent and child alike.

In essence, our approach—and all the suggestions, advice and strategies you find in this guide—are based on all what we have found best serves your relationship with your child in not only this moment, but over the years to come in an atmosphere of learning, compassion, practicality, patience and communication.

And heaven knows having a sense of humor about it all can be a huge help, because learning to dance isn’t always easy. Is it?

While we cannot address the particulars of a family’s specific situation within this guide, or anticipate the near-infinite possibilities and challenges these remarkable years can pose, our aim is rather to elucidate and celebrate how a compassionate yet practical approach best serves and supports the ultimate aim of every loving parent—to guide their child in ways that best help him or her to mature into a wise, responsible and compassionate human being.

And so despite all the challenges, concerns and uncertainties these years can potentially bring to bear, they can also be among the most rewarding, loving and wonderful moments of life, offering you and your child a unique time of discovery and joy.

It is with that understanding, and in that spirit, that we offer this Guide.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

For some children, the question How was your day? is all they need to launch into a chatty description of every moment since you parted. But for others, as eagerly as their parents inquire about their day, what often follows can be anything but comforting to a mom and dad. From a cricket’s silence to a monosyllabic fine, from the alarming we didn't do anything in class today to the worrisome I hate school rant, their reply, or lack thereof, can be disconcerting, if not painful.

Where are the delightful anecdotes from a day spent learning? Where are the funny, touching stories about their friends or teachers? Where is their wish to share their day's experiences with their dearly interested moms and dads?

Nowhere to be found, apparently.

Since mom and dad have often spent time imagining their child's day, their kid's lack of response can drive parents to worry about their child's state of being.

Are their kids depressed? Are they in some sort of social or academic trouble? Or even, does their kid like them enough to want to talk to them about their day?

All of these can leave a mom and dad feeling helpless, worried, or even irrelevant to their children—at the very moment they had looked forward to all day.

So what is going on with their child, and how can a parent best cope with the unintended silent treatment?

First, take a deep breath. Then—and this is a key—FOCUS ON HOW YOUR CHILD MAY BE FEELING, RATHER THAN ON HOW THEY MAY BE BEHAVING.

Consider: your child has been through an experience that can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Even if it was a positive experience, they are likely fatigued. By the time a parent picks them up from school, or greets them when they arrive home, the child may well need some time to decompress, if not withdraw to recuperate from their day.

Not much different from an adult, when you think about it.

What do you do to try to unwind from a day's gauntlet of emotional and intellectual challenges?

Children need to unwind, too. They just have had less time to develop either the self awareness or the strategies many adults spend years trying to perfect to deal with stress.

Thus, a child's need to NOT talk may be a very understandable and human response to the world. Besides, they can't operate on their parent's schedules, anymore than they can control their school schedules.

It is important to recognize that just as your interest in your child may be cresting, your child's capacity to respond to you may be at its low ebb.

So what's a mom or dad, brimming with interest, and eager to nip any of their child's challenges in the bud, to do?

Perhaps welcome them with a greeting rather than a question. An It's good to see you instead of a How was your day can be helpful. Allow them time to signal if they want to talk, or if quiet would be most helpful to them at that moment. You can also volunteer a story about your day—not a long, involved description—just a small anecdote will do. And then listen and remain engaged and available. Note the non-verbal ways they may be communicating, especially in their body language.

They may still be assessing such concerns as: did their friends include them in their conversations and activities? Did they, or didn't they, sit with their friends at lunch? And more often than not, did that special boy or girl signal they liked them, as much as they secretly like that boy or girl?

In their complex, nuanced world where the smallest interaction can make or break their day, answering a question about how their day was may seem